Uncle Lazer
Appearances
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
All right, bitch, relax. You hear who I'm talking about? Listen, Kanye West said, if you fucking a fat bitch, it means you a broke bitch, okay? Y'all might as well call me Section 8 Housing, all right? Because I love a thick bitch. Where my thick bitches at? I can hear your mouth breathing. Calm down. I can hear your mouth breathing. I like a bitch built like a nose tackle, like a worn sap.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
They said, where y'all meet? I said, in the fucking agap, of course. That's where we met, right? I once met a thick Mexican bitch at a quinceana the other day. It's a Mexican birthday party, okay? She was sitting there looking like Nacho Libre. I said, hello, how you doing, darling? She was breastfeeding a seven-year-old.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
which I thought that was a little olden age to be doing all that, but la familia, you know, whatever. But she had that second titty out just blowing around in a breeze. I said, now who's that for? I went in there and got me a little suckle. That shit tasted like horchata. I love her very much. My name's Uncle Lazer. Y'all been great. Wow.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
I was in the back going, no, bitch, no! Not in front of them! Yep. But listen, you get them bottomless mimosas at the fucking drag brunch, and you get them boys dressed up like girls up there dancing Lady Gaga's I Was Born This Way, and I'm like, were you really? And I'm just like, what's happening?
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
With that being said, if anybody's got a grandma, so you have to show in the bathroom.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
I did, I just want to say one thing. Santa Fe, New Mexico. No, uh-uh, fuck you, uh-uh. Went down there for a ski trip, had $1,500 worth of Uncle Laser merch, and them fucking homeless fucking tore the camper off the back of my truck to hold my goddamn merch.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
I woke up the next morning, and I'm like, I'm fine in this shit, because they stole my snowboarding gear and shit, too. And I went down there to an encampment, and Pauly sure was down there teaching them magic tricks. I'm pretty sure he's building a fucking army. We need to watch out for him, you know? Hey, it's fucking, I hate them fucking homeless. I wish we could hunt them like deer.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
I mean, it's a tax system. It's ethical. You get two homeless and one bicyclist each year. I mean, I don't even run red lights. I just throw fucking batteries at them. I fucking hate them.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
Actually, nine volts. Fuck them. We'll hit them. Heavy duty. Yeah. Heavy duty.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
Oh, shit. Yeah, no, we're hanging out. I thought I had cancer the other day. Uh-huh. Colon cancer. It runs in my family, but, like, my shits kept coming out, like, crooked, right? Like... And they have like a little groove in them. And I was like, like everybody got like, when you go to McDonald's, you get like the McFlurry and they do the, and it makes that little spin motion.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
They coming out like that. And I was like, it turned, I finally, it was, I've been doing the coffee edemas. Where you. Okay. One of them coffee beans got lodged in that motherfucker. It wouldn't break loose. Wow. Absolutely.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
She's a physical orthopedic... She's got a medical degree. I don't quite know what she does.
KILL TONY
#715 - KID ROCK + MARK NORMAND
Y'all can tell I was probably addicted to cocaine at some point in my life. And I quit. But summer's coming. So we'll see. Yeah, we'll fucking see. It sucks quitting shit you're great at. Listen, I'm great at cocaine. I can turn a Sunday fun day into a no-call show no Monday in a motherfucking instant, you hear me?
KILL TONY
#715 - KID ROCK + MARK NORMAND
But I had to quit and started smoking pot, seeing this little hippie bitch here, and she, all right, shut up, listen. She smokes this shit called dabs. Y'all ever done dabs? Okay, well, listen, for those of y'all who don't know what dabs are, it's the highest rated THC. Basically, when you smoke dabs, it gives you Down syndrome for the rest of the week, okay? You got shit to do that day?
KILL TONY
#715 - KID ROCK + MARK NORMAND
Not gonna fucking get to it, all right? And then she wants to get all sexual with me. She's like, hit me with that horse cock, daddy. And I'm like, first off, who talks like that, you know? Second of all, if you're going to be lucky to get my little pony, you know, because I got cerebral palsy at this point. She goes, hey, are you okay? Do you need anything? I go, no, my mom's coming to get me.
KILL TONY
#715 - KID ROCK + MARK NORMAND
Don't worry about it. My name's Uncle Lassie. Y'all been fucking great.
KILL TONY
#715 - KID ROCK + MARK NORMAND
Like a homeless Pat McAfee. Well... Dollar General. I'll take that. I'll take that. Hell yeah. How you been enjoying Nashville? It's a good time. A lot of country folk out here. Good time. Uh... Just trying to put the cut in country, you know what I'm saying? What are we talking about?
KILL TONY
#715 - KID ROCK + MARK NORMAND
What you been doing? Tony, I'm out nowhere in Nashville, and this is more of an Austin restaurant, but I think I found out who the Randy Street Wrangler is.
KILL TONY
#715 - KID ROCK + MARK NORMAND
For those of y'all who don't know, there's a serial killer in Austin. He done killed like 30... like boys that fit my description to a tee. But the other night, there's a little girl, I see a little nighttime ballerina, and she calls me and she goes, hey, if I give you $3,500, would you come over here and fuck me in front of one of my clients while he watches?
KILL TONY
#715 - KID ROCK + MARK NORMAND
And I said, is that going to be cash or check? You know? And I went, and I get there, and he's wearing a diaper, like an adult diaper. And I'm thinking when I drive there, I'm like, he's probably some decrepit old man, you know, just trying to live out a sexual fantasy. When I get there, he was 6'8", 285 pounds, and he was nonverbal. He just looked at you real weird.
KILL TONY
#715 - KID ROCK + MARK NORMAND
He sounded like a diesel engine when he opened the door. And I had to fuck my best friend while he watched in the corner to the greatest hits of Creed. And I didn't know they had a Spotify playlist for cuckolding music, but son of a bitch. What?
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
Some people got a face for radio. I got more of a face for cuckolding. The bar the other night, older gentleman comes in, he goes, man, we love you on that Kill Tony show. We love you a lot. He said, me and my wife are here, we're doing our vows for 30 years we've met in this bar. He goes, man, it's on my bucket list if you'll have sex with my wife while I watch.
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
I said, man, you didn't want to go skydiving? You want me to fuck your wife? He said, man, I'd be willing to give you a thousand shekels for your time. I said, well, let's take a look at her at least. So he, that's never good, you know. His fucking vending machine comes up out of the bathroom. From a distance, her skin was leathery. Up close, her skin was leathery.
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
She looked like an old fucking Buick seat. I said, hey man, I'm gonna have to pass. He said, man, I fucking need this. I said, I fucking don't. He said, I'll give you 4,000 fucking dollars. And I said, you know what, dude? Buick's not that bad of a car. My name's Uncle Lazer. Thank you. All right, Uncle Lazer. Have you told that story before on the show?
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
I've done that punchline on a backhand, but never the story of it. Okay. Yeah.
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
And honestly, it reminded me, when I first lost my virginity, it was a cuckolding situation as well. Do you need another guy in the room to get hard? I need to go away. He was black. Oh. It was a black guy and a Mexican chick.
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
I stole my mama's Jeep Duran Cherokee, and we went to the Laca Colonia, which means El Colony in Spanish, and we snuck into her window, and he let me go first because he was a gentleman, but I was 12, so I didn't really know what I was doing, you know, and then I feel a tap on my shoulder and this big, beautiful black man with his hard dick It's a stereotype. Their dicks are huge.
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
Yeah. I was just happy to be there, you know? He tapped me on the shoulder. He goes, let me show you how it's done. And then he picked this Mexican woman up and he put her up against the wall of the trailer house. Well, they wound up falling through the wall into her tia's room. And she starts freaking out. I go, man, they're calling the cops, you know? And so we drove back home in my mom's Jeep.
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
All right. What are you on tonight? I'm not on anything. I mean, we had a little Mexican food and stuff, and I drank a couple margaritas, but that's about it. Oh, okay. Adderall. All right. There it is. I'm not going to lie to you. There's been a lot of Adderall today.
KILL TONY
#694 - SHAWN GARDINI + TOMMY POPE
Boy went all the way down to Mascot Square Garden, okay? Talk about, at the Republican party, talk about the Puerto Ricans. Came back with a, what they call a tiny joke book. That was crazy, went all the way up there to get a tiny joke book, listen. I didn't know there was 500,000 Puerto Ricans in Pennsylvania. I didn't know there was 500,000 Puerto Ricans in Puerto Rico, okay?
KILL TONY
#694 - SHAWN GARDINI + TOMMY POPE
Island of trash, remember? And I didn't even watch the election. I was worried. It got a little hairy there for a minute, Tony, didn't it? I mean, my God. Only way I knew it was over, I saw Hinchcliffe crawl out of Rogan's garage. He saw the shadow. That meant four more years of Trump, you know what I'm talking about? Now listen here, one man's trash is another man's treasure.
KILL TONY
#694 - SHAWN GARDINI + TOMMY POPE
And I dated me a Puerto Rican there. And let me tell y'all something, UTI in Spanish is the same in English, okay? Told me she had two pussies. Well, that second one smelled like shit.
KILL TONY
#694 - SHAWN GARDINI + TOMMY POPE
I mean, look, we had to go out to Puerto Rico. No one talked about it. I was like, we got to come out. Somebody got to be the heel here. Can I get a sip of beer, dude?
KILL TONY
#694 - SHAWN GARDINI + TOMMY POPE
I love you. How are you, Uncle Lee? I'm good. Listen, I did this. My hair. Well, I went to the Halloween party there. Where? It was in L.A., Beverly Hills. Okay. Went to this little OnlyFans Halloween. It was $10,000 first place for Halloween costume, you know, if you got the best costume. It turns out, put a little eyeliner on, bleach the hair, not that far from Joe Exotic. Okay, so.
KILL TONY
#694 - SHAWN GARDINI + TOMMY POPE
So I went after it, right? And I'm like, I'm going to get first place for sure. But when I got there, it was like OnlyFans party. And, uh. This couple was dressed up like Avatar people. They was in the blue. And you know how they connect with their tails, you know, in the movie? This motherfucker took us to see Alice, because he was inside of her the entire party, walking around.
KILL TONY
#694 - SHAWN GARDINI + TOMMY POPE
And they pulled us on stage. I got, like, second place. The guy that threw the party with the Pillow Talk guy, he come out, and he's dressed like Gene Wilder from Willy Wonka, and he got a couple midgets with him. They're dressed like Oompa Loompas. I said, this is cool, you know? And they come out singing a song. Make the story a little longer. Keep going.
KILL TONY
#694 - SHAWN GARDINI + TOMMY POPE
Anyways, a platform came up, I know, where 14 butt-ass naked women come out of this platform. They start fucking and blowing these midgets. And I can show you the video. I'm not even lying. And I'm like... have I taken too many drugs or not enough? You know, cause it wasn't just a song. It was an hour and 45 minutes and I got third place and now I look like this, so.
KILL TONY
#694 - SHAWN GARDINI + TOMMY POPE
I got the tennis elbow. Really? Which is retarded because I don't even like tennis. You know what I'm saying? Nah, I watched a goddamn Jake Paul and Mike Tyson fight. I bet my life savings on Mike Tyson, you know. Punched the fucking TV because he didn't even show up. Listen, I'm going to advocate for something, Tony, real quick, if you don't mind. Hold on, hold on.
KILL TONY
#694 - SHAWN GARDINI + TOMMY POPE
Listen, I know he likes fighting them old men. Okay, and that's fine if you're into that. I'm into old women, not a big deal. But we need a good old American boy that ain't gonna throw a fight for no $20,000 purse. I get it too, I'd look like half of Iron Mike if they don't give me 20 million, but I need somebody who's not swayed by money, okay? I need a good, hard-blooded American young man.
KILL TONY
#694 - SHAWN GARDINI + TOMMY POPE
To do what? To fight Jake Paul? To fuck Jake Paul. No, to fight Jake Paul. So I brought a friend of mine out. If you don't mind, he's going to call him out on the national TV right here.
KILL TONY
#694 - SHAWN GARDINI + TOMMY POPE
You have a friend. I got a friend. Now, he just retired, but he got a full head of hair now. And Jake Paul said he wanted to get MMA. Well, why fight Conor McGregor at 34?
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
My mama raised me on that Reba McEntire and I might've been born just a plain white trash, but Fancy was my motherfucking name. I ain't getting on no goddamn Greyhound bus. You hear me, bitch? So a couple of days later, we worked something out where if my mom would drop me off, her mom would bring me back, you know?
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
This here is Steven. He's a euthanized husky. He was my neighbor's dog. Are you fucking serious? Yeah, he was just going to throw the motherfucker out, and I said, hold on now, old son. We're resourceful people, you know, and so I, like, you know, did all this, and I went to his front door and tried to give it to him as a gift, and he answered the door, and he goes... Why'd you unbury my dog?
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
I was like, so you're telling me you don't want it? Am I now, motherfucker? How about that?
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
Nah, dude, I got a New Year's resolution. Is it to give Ron White his voice back? That there's my daddy, but he's a Democrat, so he ain't my daddy, but... Dude, I got to stop coming inside of strangers. Tell us more about that.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
I got to stop coming as strangers because, look, dude, I'm like the Tyreek Hill of the Austin comedy scene. I can't pull out of a fucking driveway. You know what I'm saying? And I'm not even scared of the Me Too movement. I'm scared of, like, I got a kid in fucking Fort Wayne, Indiana or some shithole across this goddamn country that's like, when you job support, I don't want to be a part of that.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
Trying, yeah, just like, look, say something to me, like on some real shit, okay? Three years ago to this date, Tony Hinchcliffe invited me to Tony Hinchcliffe and Friends. It's been that long. It's been that long. Jesus. All right, he invited me to the New Year's Eve party at Vulcan. with your people, right? And I was dog shit then. I'm probably still dog shit now.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
But, I mean, back then I was even worse, okay? Oh, yeah. But you gave me a shot, all right? It's a testament to you. And my mama was in the crowd tonight, and I was thinking about quitting my job. And up until that point in my life, that was the best I'd ever had, all right? And took a chance to be like, yo... Look, I'm not trying to suck your dick, but I'm going to be honest with you.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
Thank you for everything. Yes. Look, look. Joe Rogan might have built the comedy club in Austin, but Tony Hinchcliffe created a fucking culture. You hear me?