Chapter 1: What is discussed at the start of this section?
Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at DeathSquad.TV, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts. Check out TonyHinchcliffe.com for everything The Golden Pony, Tony Hinchcliffe. You can also check out ShopSquad.TV for Death Squad merch, hats, mugs, whatever. ShopSquad.TV.
And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Fred Beck, coming to you live from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas, for a brand-new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony Hitchclap! Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh? It's the best damn band in all the land. How about a hand for them, huh?
They've been playing music for you in the live music capital of the world. This is Kill Tony, brought to you by Blue Chew Talkspace and Shopify. How we fucking feeling tonight, huh? Feels good in here. Before the show gets started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible. You guys ready to start tonight's fucking show or what?
You know, every single week, I take the two best comedians that I could possibly find and I put them together here on this show. This week, no different. The return of two of the wildest panelists in the history of the show. How many of you consider yourselves die-hard Kill Tony fans?
Well, you're in for a treat as I present to you two of the hardest-working, most-working stand-up comedians in the world today, and two legends of the Kill Tony panel. This is Donnell Rawlings and Trevor Wallace. There he is. Donnell. Trevor. Donnell, you're next to me. I always keep Donnell next to me in case he gets out of control. It's harder to walk off the show if you're sitting next to me.
Donnell, famous for the number one meltdown in Kill Tony history, according to many YouTube videos. In the words of Nina Simone, it's a new day, it's a new dawn. I'm feeling good. And I want to say, uh... I want to say happy Black History Month, but it's not represented in this audience. I got you right here, Donnell. I got you.
Trevor Wallace, one of the whitest white people on planet Earth, here to celebrate Black History Month with you. Donnell Rawlings is on tour. Get tickets at DonnellRawlings.com. Trevor Wallace also on tour. He's filming a special March 13th and 14th in Phoenix, and he's dropping a new special at Trevor Wallace on YouTube on April 1st on YouTube. And, uh, hell yeah.
You guys both have been on the show. You know how this fucking show works. Donnell is a legend of this game. He is on almost every Kill Tony compilation video of every game. Fuck that. They hate me here. You know it. I'm just doing it for the peace, and I'm so happy to announce that I did not make the Epstein files.
I was at a Diddy party, but I didn't... That's a whole different... That's a whole different... Maybe all for everybody. I'll just say that. We're gonna have fun here. You guys know how it works. Over 300 comedians signed up for the chance to get 60 seconds on this stage. If their name gets pulled out, you know their time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten.
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Chapter 2: Who are the special guests featured in this episode?
A real big bear. She just went boozing me, so that's... You know what? It sounds like he's describing Juanita right now. Oh, Juanita. The very famous Juanita. Juanita famously talked about how black guys don't want to fuck her. Juanita is a... She's trans, ain't it? ...is a obese trans... Don't know you would bring that up. That's crazy. But Donnell thought it was just a thick Mexican chick
And he said, hey, you know, I'd be down. And then I informed him. That's basically... That's not what the fuck I said. It was worse. It was much worse than that. This is what I said. She did a song. And then I said... I said, in behalf of... I'm speaking... On behalf of the black community. I said, this is the song we want to sing. We will, we will fuck you.
And then I looked, and I didn't really recognize... Because I know women in the Midwest look just like... Women in the Midwest do look like trans linebackers. Yeah. And then my DMs was flooded with guys named Tanya. Oh, yeah. I don't know. That was a guy. We figured that part out, OK? But, you know, it's a new day. It's a new dawn. Shout out to Juanita. Yeah. We love Juanita.
You take her to the Diddy party? That's what you did there? No comment. Takes a lot of baby oil to get that thing ready to go. I got to tell you that. A drum of baby oil. Crisco or something, too. I feel so insecure. I'm a black man that can't use baby oil because of Diddy right now. What are you using?
If you want to really test your sexuality, whatever, you go to a CVS and put eight bottles of baby oil on the counter and see how the fuck they look at you. But they have to unlock the thing for you, right, when you do that? The new Donnell is not going to respond to that. Uncle Lazer. So what did you end up doing with the big girl that Heidi hooked you up with? You know. Yeah, we know.
We know that you know how to... CVS got me eight bottles of baby water, you know. Found the wet spot. Let's just say you moved that furniture around. Yeah, I helped. I helped. It's a team lift. I love it. Well, Lazer, great way to get the show started tonight. Came out with a bang. There he goes, ladies and gentlemen, Uncle Lazer, everybody. And now we go to the bucket, everyone.
And now, to the bucket we go. Your first bucket bowl. We're gonna meet them all together. This is obviously the part of the show where anything can happen. Make some noise for Seth Shepard, everybody. Howdy, y'all. I found out recently I'm one eighth black. It's our month now. Now this doesn't mean that I can say any of the fun words. I sure have been thinking about it.
I lost my virginity with a soft dick. Y'all might be thinking, wow, that's gotta take a hog to work, right? You'd be wrong.
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Chapter 3: What unique experiences do Donnell Rawlings and Trevor Wallace share?
All it takes is a girl that believes deep enough and keeps drinking after she pukes on you. I was 17, she was 22, she knew what she wanted. Between me and whiskey, though, we figured it out. It's all right. All right, I wish that got a bigger pot, but thank you all so much. Seth Shepard. Welcome to the show, Seth. Thank you. I love your accent.
I haven't heard it since you did the narration on the Big Lebowski. Yes, sir. Last time I was on, you said the same thing. Yes, sir. Really? You've been on before? About a year and a half ago. Yeah, it was my maybe eighth time on stage. I've been doing comedy about 16, 18 months now. Nice. This is your eighth time on stage? No, last time I was on. Yes, sir. Yeah, you have an unbelievable voice.
Thank you. Both your voice and your jokes could talk us all to sleep without a doubt. So what's been going on, Seth? Tell us about your life. What are you doing for work right now? I work at a dispensary, which is pretty funny because I don't smoke weed. In fact, you vote for it to be illegal every time it's on the ballot. Not my type of thing at all. I'm a simple man.
I make my eggs and bacon, put on my camouflage hat, and get to writing the jokes. The squawking eagle of America is what keeps us safe, and I consider myself a true patriot. Yes, sir. When I'm not making myself breakfast or feeding my dogs, I'm invading the Capitol. Oiling up my guns and just doing what's right for the country. Yes, sir. I do support the weeds. I just feel like I'm 29.
I'm too old to be so scared. I quit smoking because I went on stage after smoking. I was like, God, no. Why do you all hate me? What's going on? I was so scared. They hate you because those jokes are trash. I know. I know. Don't think too deep in it.
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Chapter 4: How does the show interact with the audience?
Smoke a joint. Do some crack or something, man. Anybody got some heroin in this bitch? Oh, my God. I know this is a platform to support people, but kill yourself. It's over, son. You look like you're starting a cuck-hole video. Man, I don't know why that colored fella talked to me like that that night. He was disrespectful as hell. Here's my wife and it's her birthday. Make her feel good.
He just looks like the guys in that video I always click on. Oh, you've seen those videos, huh? I was part of those videos. So, Seth, we work at a weed dispensary. What are you doing for fun? What does a guy like Seth do for fun? You look like a man of many hobbies. I like building guns. Wow. Straight out of my impression of him. He said building guns? Building guns.
Oh, I'm sorry about everything I said about you. He's also sorry for disrespecting your art form and holding them sideways every time he gets a chance. And so whenever I first moved down here, I was actually, I called the mothership and I said, hey, y'all, I usually got a gun on my hip. Y'all got pistol check? And they're like, what?
I was like, if I got a gun on my hip, y'all got somebody I can give my gun to? And they said, no. And I was like, all right, I thought this was Texas. I'm sorry. There's only one person that the mothership allows to have a gun in this place, and that person is D Madness, ladies and gentlemen. Yeah! That's right. Look out.
Well, he's not doing a good job because if he built guns, you should have took the opportunity to shoot yourself before you came here. Build two birds with one stone. Yes, sir. I love it. Seth, what's your love life like? It's doing all right.
I actually just this past week kind of broke up with a lady because she was sending me all kinds of weird shit, kind of suicidal shit, and I'm like... Sell her a gun. Yeah. Yeah. I was like, man, I got maybe six and a half good inches of dick and 15 pumps if I'm lucky. I don't know why you're about to kill yourself over that. Leave me alone. Wow. Look at that. Six and a half, huh?
We're doing all right. How much bad dick do you have? I'll be honest, Tony, the base is so thick it doesn't go in. Yeah. Little tree stump down there. Seth, this is incredible. So she was suicidal, so you broke up with her? What an unbelievable boyfriend. Man of the year, everybody. Give her a better help read or something, dude.
I avoided her for a few days, and she was like, I'm going in the dark end. I'm like, oh. I'm the darkest. Amazing, man. I've learned my lesson. Crazy pussies are the shit, but it ain't worth it at the end of the day. You need somebody who can cook you some eggs, hang out and be a good woman. It's unbelievable, this guy. I mean, unbelievable. Seth, what else do you do for fun?
Give us another hobby before I get you out of here. I like to go fishing. I ain't been fishing since I moved down. We already knew that. Give us another one. Let's see. I walk around 6th Street and just look at the homeless people. It's kind of funny. I feel like you're not a comic in Austin unless you piss in an alley. I'm just taking a look at all the turds back there. What's going on?
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Chapter 5: What humorous experiences does Randolph Davies share about massages?
Fuck outta here. Hey, man, that's racist. No, no, no! Not today! Nick Cano, everybody! I just matumbled his whole dreams. Not today, motherfucker. Well, this is very exciting. This looks like a new name. Make some noise, ladies and gentlemen, for Randolph Davies, everybody. Randolph. Wow. Okay. Uh... No way. No way. No way.
That's what I said when my masseuse told me she farted in my mouth while I was asleep. I was, uh... I've been on the road with the Counting Crows for about 35 years. You know, you see a lot of stuff, you get a lot of, uh... A lot of things get you down, get you tense, so I try to get a massage from time to time, and I... I used to get a massage from this girl.
She started having too many seizures, so I had to stop using her. So I got a new girl, bigger girl. Fat, you could say. And a lot of that would push up on top of me. I was getting a massage, getting relaxed, fell asleep. And I wake up, and she goes, hey, sorry about the fart. And I said, what?
And at first I thought she was blaming me, like, sorry about you couldn't control your asshole, you know? And then I said, my bad, it has a mind of its own. And she goes, no, no, I'm the one that farted. I'm the farter, is what she said. I said, I don't know why you would, you know, turn yourself in after you robbed the bank, but that's not gonna help your reviews, you know what I'm saying?
I'm not gonna go online and say, Tina's super honest, I love that. And if you fall asleep at the right moment, she'll put a little secret in your mouth for free.
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Chapter 6: What led Randolph to start stand-up comedy at 55?
All right, that's all my time. Thank you so much. Wow. Randolph Davies. Unbelievable. I've never... I mean, look at you. This is incredible. Unbelievable execution, writing, timing, beats.
Chapter 7: How does Randolph describe his time working with the Counting Crows?
It all seems genuine. The cowboy hat doesn't fit the top of your head. But you seem like you got a lot of stories, pal. I could tell you a few. Wow, what was working with the Counting Crows for that long like? I was basically the guy that tuned the guitars, get them drugs, find restaurants, you know, that were fun to go to, get them pad-tied whenever they need it, you know? Yeah.
One time we were in New Jersey, Adam Durst and I went to a regular massage parlor. And you can always tell when it's not, you know? The marquee's just a little bit, you know, worn down, kind of like the... the people inside, you know? And we get in there, and right away, I don't want to do the accent, but you know who it was, you know?
And she said something I didn't understand, and I knew what it meant, though, you know what I'm saying?
Chapter 8: What unique stories does Randolph have about his personal life?
There was a twinkle in her eye. Like she was down to clown, you know? So Adam and I went in. They only had one room, so we had to be in there together. And... Well, long story short, we both got jerked off at the same time. And this was two days before Christmas. I looked over to him and I said, boy, this is quite the long December. Do you know what I'm saying? Wow.
Randolph Davies has arrived to the Kill Tony universe. I've noticed that almost every one of your jokes and stories revolves around getting a massage. Well, you know, life gets hard, Tony. You gotta relax. And, uh, it's the only way for me to shut down mentally and physically. So, some people, you know, I'll play a little Xbox Live from time to time, but... Wow. Wow.
Free Britney 69 if you want to find me on Xbox, by the way. That's your handle? Free Britney? Is that for Britney Spears? Uh, no, for Britney Griner. Oh, he picked up the toothpick and right back in the mouth. This is a true road dog. Hey, Lord knows this thing ain't been worse places than I have. Wow, Randolph, how long have you been doing stand-up comedy? First time. This is your first time.
First time ever on stage. Absolutely worked continuous beats on the audience. Like a pro. Like someone that's been doing it for decades. Absolutely incredible. What made you wanna, how old are you? 55. 55. What made you wanna start stand up here on Kill Tony tonight at 55? Well, you know life gets crazy, Tony. I've been living in Temecula for about the last 14 years, right?
My wife and my ex-wife became friends. We opened up a winery called Oops. Which I know sounds like a jokey beverage establishment, but it's actually kid-friendly. We have a little petting zoo and all that shit. But my point is, you know, I've traveled everywhere, I've done everything, and I just figured, you know, shit, it's either, you know, fuck a guy or do stand-up at this point. Wow.
You came to the right show, buddy. Yep. Bad boy. I like her. I'm out in play. I got a question for you. You say this is your first time doing stand-up? That's right, sir. But it's obvious that you had some jokes that you prepared. How long did you think about doing stand-up before you decided you actually were gonna do it? Well, you know... I was told there'd be no pop quizzes on this show.
I'm just trying to get people to know. I just want... I was trying to... I hear you. I hear you. I hear you. I hear you. Settle down. Settle down. This is why I don't want to give good advice to try to do some... No, no, no. I read you loud and clear. I appreciate it. You know, it's one of those things, again, I've done it all. I've been around the moon and back, you know? Yeah.
And you just get to a point where you go, what else is there to do? But also, I got so many stories, I don't want to put them in a book, you know? Nobody reads books anymore. Right. They either listen to the book or they want to go see the book live in film form. How fucking long... Did it take you to decide if this is something you really wanted to do? About 15 minutes. Okay.
You see, you see, you see, you see... You see, I'm not a guy... I'm not a guy, Darnell, that does... I don't... He's paying attention! He's paying attention! I'm a fan. I'm not a... I'm not a guy that likes to plan ahead. Life throws so much at you. Life is... I mean, I've dated girls. You know, I've fucked pregnant girls.
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