Unknown Guest 1

Yeah, this guy, whole fucking wheelchair. Forget about the crutch. Oh, Lord.

Can you imagine this guy being your tour guide at the end? You better give me a fucking tip. Or I'm going to follow you fucking home, Wendy. Okay.

Okay, don't make me fall in love with you, guy. Can you do me a favor and lick the air for a second?

Yeah. He's definitely part of Lazer's story. This is it.

But you haven't died. No, I haven't died. Shut the fuck up.

It's actually a good thing, right? Like, when you feel the plane go up like that, that means that you've got lift. There's thrust under the wings. That's the first law of aerodynamics, Dairy Queen-like hair.

Wow. What was the fattest part? The arse, the legs, the chest? Did you have a gut? Like, talk to me. Describe it. Not for me. For that guy there. Yeah.

Can we see it? I love, I love stretchy skin.

Can we see the belly meat? I love stretchy belly. Come on, let's do it. It's not as stretchy, man. It's not as stretchy. Oh, God. That's not bad. It's not, yeah.

That wasn't bad at all. No. That was probably what you felt on the airplane, your own stomach slapping you in the face. Yeah. Yeah, it was blurbulence. Did you just come up with, invent a new word? Yeah. Blurbulence.

That is correct.

Very scary names. Children of the popcorn, apparently. Yeah. How scared of you on a scale of 1 to 10 were you scared of that turbulence on the plane? Be honest. Don't be afraid to look like a scaredy guy on a scale of 1 to 10.

Well, I'm 6'2".

Dude, you really know your guys. That's right. That's right.

You live in a tent?

You sure it wasn't 10.30? Sir, if you could sit the fuck down. Oh, that's a waitress. Go ahead. Go ahead, night stalker. Finish.

You know he's one of Uncle Lazer's writers, right? Like, this is just a continuation of the last story.

What's that, sir?

You know what I thought of when I first looked at him? Don't take this the wrong way, guy, but when you first walked out, I thought, I've always wondered what it looked like if Shrek was peeled.

Yeah.

And this is the guy with all the feet surgery.

There you go, buddy.

I feel sorry for that crutch, I got to tell you.

Well, I love that they didn't react to the molestation joke, but they really warmed up to the domestic violence one. Yeah.

More like Bicurious George from Walmart.

How do you say it with, like, a German accent, your last name? I don't know, dude. I don't fucking... I'm not German.

Like, you don't say around, like, your grandparents don't say, Like, something like that? No. Does that sound familiar, Guy?

Dude, do you know what you are? At this point, you're like fucking International House of Pancakes. Like, where... What are you? British? German? You're red-headed, too.

Wow. You know your hat's black, right?

Yeah, that's what I want to see. I want to be walking down the sidewalk and see Elton John burning ants.

What kind of bike did you sell him? A Harley? A BMW. He's fancy.

What about a Jew on an Indian? Well, you know what I call that. What?

You ever hit an animal like you're riding?

What'd you hit?

Dude, was it at night? Yeah. You dummy. You would have been able to have seen the deer and he would have been able to see you if you were just holding up the window light, huh? I hope I get hit by a moose tonight after that joke.

Well, if it's a girl's bike, just give me a Rebel Wilson 500. How about that?

Not bad. Are you really gonna get a bike, bro? No? No. I used to ride a Honda Shadow around. Really? Yeah. What's that like? Oh, it's like a chopper bike. Oh, the Shadow. Rode around Nagasaki and Hiroshima.

There's Shadows everywhere. Wow.

He goes great with Russell Brand, by the way, I got to tell you.

Thank you, brother.

Thank you. Is there something wrong with your neck, by the way?

I feel like I should be in a new movie, the Tourette's movie. What the hell is... How we feeling tonight? Good, buddy. I brought a little thingamajig if I could. What happened? Well, nothing happened to me, gang. Comedy gang. But, you know, in all these award shows, they have like a silver buzzer, a golden buzzer. And every now and then we get comics.

You know, everyone tries real, real hard, like. And... Every now and then we get one that needs a little help, a little extra help. So tonight I'll be giving away the silver crotch.

Whoa, dude.

Do you have a backup skill? Like, do you know how to do anything else? Yeah. Like, do you know how to bag fucking groceries? Do you know how to stick your head out a drive-thru window? I mean, you got anything else, my guy?

Some lucky comedian. In fact, the worst, I mean, the luckiest comedian.

Do you really have a girlfriend? Your opening joke was about your girlfriend's dead dad or something.

Do you really have a girl?

What's going on with her, bro? Yeah.

Get a little extra kick with the silver crotch.

Yeah. That's the right word? No, that's when an earthquake happens to you. What's the word for... Pla.

Platonic. Yeah.

So... Wow, dude.

You're like a walking soap opera guy.

Like gambling, wild women in the parking lot. What else is going on there, relish master? You play poker, you play tonic.

Wow. How fun, huh? And what's great is that's his last performance ever. Yeah. It's gonna be Kill Phil. Yeah. Does that hurt your feelings that someone wouldn't watch you because of you?

Okay. All right. Barney Rubble tripping downstairs. Thank you. Yeah. How about that? I don't use a vibrator, but thank you.

Can I ask you a question right out of the gate? Those noises you heard through the wall, can you do those one more time? All right. Ah! Ah! Yeah, they weren't fucking there playing women's tennis.

They said it, it was the mushrooms.

Oh, come on.

You can make it go even further if you wear golf shoes, buddy. Okay. What the fuck that's gonna do? They got the spikes in them, my guy. Yeah, you can really get into the... You can flower from standing on the wall, yeah.

Come on now, Sally Struthers.

Yeah, it goes. Hell yeah. I don't want to be too nosy, but if you ever come...

Okay, I got to ask, what's that sound like?

Hey, you be nice to Russell Brown. Relax. Who the fuck is that, man? What does he sound like when he comes?

Can I ask? You don't have to tell me what it is, but is it dramatic acting or comedy acting? Oh, no, I'm playing a retard, but... Well, you don't really have to act to do that. Got it.

You got it. If you weren't a retard, you would have got it quicker. No, I had to think about it, but fuck you. Think about that next time you come.

I'll be there to hold you, son. I love it. I'm just acting. I'm just acting. You're doing a great job.

You like acting? It's cool. I fuck with the hell, yeah. Did you think you would, you know, when you started your journey, you'd go into acting, or is that something that came way out of nowhere for you?

I'm going to give you some advice here, because like you said, you didn't see it coming.

Just jump in and take it, man. Don't be afraid. Just, like, go for it. Just like you do out here. Just go for it, man. You're going to be good. Appreciate you. Absolutely. Thank you.

There's been a lot of that tonight. Like about five of our actors, when somebody died.

Did you notice when she said... I'm sorry, you said... By the way, I'm so sorry, but you said your grandmother died or your father? All of them. Mom, husband, grandma. There was one guy in the back when you said they died. Some guy in the back just went, whoa, like he cheered.

Okay, I was looking for an answer. I got one. Yeah.

So he flipped. He didn't hit a deer, did he?

I think you're missing the biggest question.

I love it.

It happens. I think everyone's wondering.

Why did you leave your hat in Cam's bedroom?

You like to have fun? Okay. I love it. I was just asking. Back to you, guy. Thank you. What do you do for work, Liv?

It wasn't a hit and run, was it?

He what?

He did it the right way, yeah.

I was just wondering if diabetic kids attack your candy floss at the carnival. Just like nine kids start chewing your hair.

It does? What's it smell like?

Can I smell it? Sure, if you'd like. I'd love to have a snort. Oh, wow. It's chloroform. Oh, wow. Smells like Cam's bedroom.

Here we go. Full disclosure, I'm white.

And he's the new death in an elevator line. What does that mean? It's a Prince joke.

How are you, buddy? I'd love to throw a hamburger patty on your glasses. Alex Tarshun. Thank God he walked out, that horrible Prince joke idea. Yeah, that was crazy.

You know Prince died in an elevator, right? Uh-uh. He had an elevator in his mansion. They found him dead in his elevator.

No, that was Whitney Houston, dude. He's thinking of the guy from Friends. Prince died in his elevator. What? Just ask him. He knows. It's okay.

Nothing makes a trumpet from a garbage bag, does it?

How about we start with some speech therapy classes? How about that?

Oh, lady boys? Yeah. You want to be with a lady boy? You want to get that lady boy gold. Whoa.

I would have shot him immediately. Yeah.

No, his bedroom's next to Cam's. Yeah.

It can't plummet if you are never even up, all right?

Are both your parents black? Because you're sort of like a little fair-skinned.

All right, then you can't say it.

Wow. How do you prank the suicide hotline? Yeah, what exactly did you do? Don't jump, don't jump.

Can you do that? Can you, like, do a joke and then just plug in the same punchline from another gag?

Dude, I'm about to kill myself right now. Let's move this along.

That sounds sort of French, dude.

I want to ask you, bro, are you taking a night class in cunnilingus? Because your tongue was going, like, all over the place. You were like licking the air, my guy. You are very lizard-y.

So this cartoon, is it for kids?

You know if you say Beetlejuice three times, it disappears. So what was the name of your show?

Do you need a snow cone or something?

Does anything happen if you say that three times?

Well, now we know what happens if he says it three times.

But how do you feel about the way it matches? You must feel like a million bucks right now.

You feel like a Hot Wheels car.

That joke doesn't work. I already tried it.

You bought him those shoes, Tony? Yeah. That was really nice of you, man. Yeah. Those are nice shoes. Hey. Would it be inappropriate, because I'm just, how much they cost, can I ask, or is that inappropriate? How much does a rack of them cost?

Give Tony a hand. That's nice right there, huh?

That's nice.

I hate that thing.

Because of him. Why? No, I don't. I'm ambivalent. I love it. That's a big word, guy. I know. Relax. That's not a guy. Oh, sorry. Sorry, it.

Celebrating Licko de Cracko.

Wow. That's a brutal game. What's your worst injury, my guy?

Great story, and then he wrecks it at the end.

You seem a little, like, no offense, but you don't have the biggest build I've ever seen for a rugby player.

Are you the cheerleader by any chance? Yeah.

Could you give us one of your best cheers?

Could you give us one of your most perverted looks?

Okay, yeah, let's do it.

David Lee Roth in the house, huh, guy?

Go ahead and jump, huh, player? Yeah, yeah. Wow, dude. Yeah, absolutely very impressive. Can you do that again, bro, in slow motion? Yeah.

Does he ever watch basketball and yell the same shit at the white people?

And his son plays Australian rugby?

Yeah, he's smiling ear to ear over here.

What's your girlfriend do, Brosephiosh?

I love it when a comedy routine transitions so seamlessly into a court case. Yeah, exactly. You were 12 and there's a giant hard black dick in front of you all of a sudden? You need to put yourself behind bars, bro.

You ever sit around with the family and watch Wheel of Fortune with the hoods on?

You will.

He's in for a ride. Yeah. Jeez Louise. Isn't it every girl's dream to do this? And you're like, you just sound like you don't seem enthused.

Whoa, look at that. I'll take that. Damn. I'll take that. I love Evel Knievel. Oh, my goodness. Just call me Eve.

I own a... El Correcto over here.

Teslas are great.

Why do you feel like you're afraid to talk about it or something? Yeah.

Okay, okay. Uh-uh, we don't say dumber, we say... Hey, I'm trying to... There you go, yeah.

It's Monday, you know. Who hates Mondays? Got to celebrate. Dude, I would love it. I would pay $3,000 if a dragonfly flew right by you right now. Yeah. Yeah. You need it, you need it. Oh, I love it, dude.

Yeah.

The old manatee meatloaf. That's right.

Can I ask, this is kind of an intimate question, do you mind if Daddy digs a little deep? Absolutely. If you were getting deep, Daddy wants to get deep. Dig, Daddy, dig. So, you're doing the teenager thing, and sometimes when you're a teen, you don't have a place you can do the deed. Not to get too... But did you do it in a car or something? Like, did you have fun in a car? Good question.

Like, in the basement or something?

It was always dark? It was dark. Okay, were the parents in the house when you were doing it?

That's why he did it so fast. The parents were there.

Yeah, you got it when the parents were there. Did you ever do it at your house or was it always at his house?

Why not your house?

Tell us more.

I already told you.

Wow.

Oh, my God.

Every joke hit. Yeah. Like, every single joke, you got a big laugh, so way to go, bud. Thank you.

Yes.

Well, that doesn't make sense.

You don't cook sushi, dude. Yeah.

I think he's fucking lying is what he's doing.

We almost had a big good ending, but we got to chop down another minute now. Incredible.

Have you ever seen a Sasquatch?

Hey, I'm Evel Knievel. I do what I want. I said, have you ever seen a Sasquatch?

Yes, he was doing good. I love that there's leaves all over your shorts. If you ever need to wipe your ass, you can just sit down.

Hey, it's altar boy season. Let's go.

What about flamingo?

The other gay meat. I mean, come on, flamingos. They're pink. What do they even sound like? Quack, quack.

Yeah. Did you get a biopsy? Not yet.

Really? Can I come?

I'd love to go with you to your biopsy, my guy. Okay. Oh, what a treat.

You're very welcome, because I'm not going to be there.

No, I'll be there, guy. I'll be there. Okay, thank you. I'll go with you, my guy. Yeah.

That looks a lot like Evel Knievel to me. That is. That's Evel Knievel.

You know what I find amazing? I think he might be the main plot from Uncle Lazer's last story.

And in particular, getting molested. Yeah. It's like, where did the molestation happen, my guy?

A dog molested you? Yeah, man.

Well, that's right, man. You shouldn't be stealing a dog's shoes.

Okay.

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Ten years coming up right now. Good God almighty. This is a wild night tonight.

Yes.

No? Okay. What do you mean? Yes. It's only $3,000 a month? Yes. Oh, my God. How much is your rent?

9, 10, 11, 12, 13.

12 and a half?

Okay.

Because he has like a fresh shave.

Like five minutes after I leave.

Mine! My designs! Circuit blueprint, base code, overtime contingency, Glasgow block, all of it!

Yeah.

Everyone, we're taking a break. Taking a break. We'll be right back.

That's cool.