Unknown Speaker 6

I'm telling you everything I know. I'm repeating everything they've said. You can look at my record. I'm not somebody that gets into trouble.

You ever been to the DMV?

Like, you think, you ever been to the DMV? Yeah.

Value is an important thing.

And then you're like, oh, shit.

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Yeah, and then I just dropped a pin to my friend and my manager and just said, all right, hands up. Somebody, my hands are up. I'm like surrendering. Just take me somewhere that I like, you know. This is after like a very dark moment in my car where I parked and walked away from it, came back.

Yeah, like walked into the canyon, into the canyon and then got worried that I might get a speeding or a parking ticket if I didn't come back out. Because I had a ton of benzos, and I was on all this shit.

Well, it was that thing where you're searching. That would be such a pain in the ass. I was, like, searching, like, what will keep me alive? Oh, a parking ticket. That's a good excuse to give myself. Like, I don't really want to do this, do I? You know? Yeah. And I had a kid, and, like, all that stuff. Yeah.

I left him with the keys. It's like, I can't get a DUI at that point. The kid's holding the keys. And then, yeah, I went to rehab. And then got pulled out of rehab three days later because I was having delirium tremors. And they couldn't, you know, they're putting me on all these meds, but like... Is that shaky hands? Yeah, right? No, that is delusion.

I was having meetings, business meetings on the table. They basically had to tell everyone like, hey, just let him kind of do his thing. I was talking into the TV remote, making phone calls. I was convinced that a radio station was playing. And I was going through, I was like...

If the radio station's not playing and you guys can't hear it, then why are there songs, full songs that I've never heard before that I know are real songs? Like, that was, like, my big... And you heard those? I was hearing songs, yeah. Like, I was hearing it continue.

I'm like, yeah, set me up for the bit we were going to do. Yeah. He does his own soundboard noises and shit. Yeah, and then they, no, then, you know, they're trying to keep you alive and give you drugs to keep you even. And the doctor called and they're like, I got approved for like six more, Atavans, they were like, yeah, he's really going through it.

And so they gave it to me, and then they were like.

They give you something else, too, that I forget the name of it right now, but it's another, it's a seizure thing.

Nerve pills.

But anyway, go ahead. No, waitresses at Laugh Factory introduced me to the Percocet. And I remember I took one and I was like, so this is what it's like to live at 100%. Good time. This is it? It's a good time. How did I do this? What have I been missing out on?

Adderall. Adderall. What it gets you to do. And if you're not in school, you still have to do homework.

All of them. That's funny, because I remember one time you posted, like, hey, I'm reading this book. Give me good books. Now I'm thinking back, like, oh, you must have been really on the Adderall at that point. Oh, I must have, if I had never read a book in my life.

Yeah, I think I can do it floating, actually. God, man. So wait, so keep going. Keep going, Nick.

Anyways, they found me naked in the middle of the night. In this house in Malibu. In the backyard. A stranger's house? No, the rehab. The rehab was like just a house in a neighborhood. Okay. That ended up burning down while I was staying in it by Malibu fires in 2017 or 18. For real? Yeah. I was the last one to get out of it because I was staying in this room in the back of it.

And they just didn't even remember to check. And I came out. I'm like, so what's up with this fire? It smells bad. They're like, yeah, everyone's gone. You're the last one. Let's go. And I was like, oh, I'm glad I came out. But... Yeah. Jesus. I... Yeah, I ended up in the hospital where I... I actually called Al Madrigal from the hospital because... It's real? I had a show.

He had me booked on some show that I forgot about and they gave me my phone back for some reason and... Yeah, can I go light?

His recollection of that phone call is always entertaining to me. Really? But yeah, I woke up like seven days later and I was IV'd up and there was like... Yeah, I don't know what happened, but I had like a sticker over my butt. There was like a tampon stuck over my ass.

And I was like, you know what? I want to ask why this is here, but I'm assuming I shit everything. I don't know.

Yeah. I mean, I'm sure I was in and out, but I don't remember any of it. Right. Because you're on so many drugs.

Nate's version of it, too, is great. It's like... We enjoy ourselves and we like comedy.

Jesselnick always does that too, where you see him and you're like, what are you doing? He's like, oh, I got a special soon, so I cut everything out. Yeah. Yeah, you look pristine.

Some people, it's like immediately it affects their nose or whatever. Yeah, right? I'm glad that that, yeah. You've always been beautiful. You know, there's moments and there's pictures of when I was like in the worst places, like mentally. And I know that I was drunk, like I performed at Montreal or something. And people were like- Did you perform drunk?

And then I'll take it out and throw it out in the out, like the neighbor's garbage can next door. So that way there's just no proof. But yeah, I love the late night cookie. I love, but also becoming vegan totally made me like not eat that kind of stuff because it's not easily accessible.

Oh, yeah.

I remember I never sweat on stage. Oh, I swear. And then I started drinking and because I was sober for 12 years, you know, and I started stand up sober and then started drinking and like really got into it. And then I would just always sweat on stage. And I'm like, that's I want to get back to the not sweating thing.

really yeah because the booze really did that to me and that was part of anxiety part of like am i can can i control myself am i gonna have an episode am i gonna who knows what's gonna happen that's wild man so now i know you to be does your kid ever remember you drinking no and that's one thing that one woman in rehab told me that worked there she said my dad got sober when i was five and that's how old my son was

And she said, I don't remember him drinking. So I thought, well, then I'm never drinking ever again.

I mean, I would be drinking if I drank. You know what I mean? That would be my...

He didn't say no. And he didn't say yes.

Well, it was... You're saying it was like my dad and my uncles had a great time, too.

Well, they chilled, too, when I chilled out.

Yeah. Which is... I mean, maybe just around me, but it seems like things... Because Christmas Eve used to get crazy. Really? So you're from like a party family?

Did that introduce you to porn pretty young?

They keep them in bushes. Right. I found a club magazine in the bushes, which is not even like.

Club was like intense. It wasn't like Playboy or like anything. It was like, people are having sex in that.

Yeah, so score. I just found out I got a call from a parent at my son's school saying, hey, our older son just did some porn searching and we're afraid that he probably told our younger son who might have told your son. And I just thought, well, I want to talk to my son about porn before some other kid does. So it took me forever to figure out how to do that. But that was the worst.

This is where you look for it. Look at that bush.

Yeah, I was driving with my son in the back. You know, I think he was in the passenger seat, illegally, probably. And you know those big skeletons that they sell at Home Depot for, like, Halloween? And, like, everyone in the neighborhood gets one of them, at least. Yeah. We drove by it, and I just casually said to him, I was like, oh, it'd be funny if they had a dick.

And then I realized that it was him that was sitting next to me. It would be funny. And then I could just feel the silence in the car for like a minute. I'm like, he is thinking so hard right now. And then finally he goes...

Jesus. And I said, sometimes, yeah, I mean. Sometimes. It would be anatomical. Turns out who they are, you know? Morningwood was the biggest, out of the big speech I gave him. Because you have to get to porn with a kid. If you haven't even had the sex talk, you basically have to start at puberty. like, armpit hair, and then you end at porn. And there's a lot to cover in there.

And Morningwood was probably the only part that he was, like, connected to. He was like, oh, yeah, yeah.

I like that she has to be single, too, because that's kind of a sexual thing in its own way.

The way they thought people were doing it.

So this should be pretty good. Okay. By the way, late night, I was just going to say that I used to, when I found out that people had a baby, I would be like, oh, I want to come over and see the baby. But really, I was like, I know there's Vicodin in that house.

I wish that I could. I mean, yeah, I wish I was the type of guy that could jerk off in front of other guys.

Okay, you did that. It had nothing to do with the jerking off. No, it was the two things we did a lot.

You never let it fart? Of course I did.

I mean, I think you could either take Spanish or learn how to light farts.

You ever seen... A little flicker. You ever seen that movie, Backdraft? I had a backdraft situation once where it backdrafted back in. Anyway, Kurt Russell was there.

Oh, it was Donald Sutherland. And you go... You can see his penis, by the way, in Animal House. Nice. Are you serious? Yeah, there's a scene in the beginning where he's wearing... He's Donald Ducking, which is my favorite thing to do, is where you're wearing a shirt with no pants. And he's in the kitchen making breakfast, and it's just a penis. And I remember being young, like, whoa.

That looks like mine.

You didn't say less. So you have a pocket. You have a pocket there that it goes in?

Do you wear underwear? Does it change the way that you show your, like, in pants? Does it look different when you're walking around? I don't know. You tell me. I don't notice anything.

And he came up to me afterwards. And I'll never forget because Incubus was there too in the audience. Are you serious? Like Incubus saw the show and they were like.

Oh my God. I can't believe you said his name. I know his name. And my agent goes, hey, that shirt, don't do that again. Are you serious? That's homophobia, really.

Yeah, other parents in my son's school.

I bet you were king. Were you like the best at drop-off?

Oh, and so the other moms were like, you can't hang out with him. Yeah, that was the problem with me. Every time I went out with somebody, they came back in worse shape than they've ever been in, and their wives would be like, hey, you can't go out with Nick on Tuesdays anymore.

Well, you didn't have a job like the other dads had. No.

Also, though, when people go out with you, like this was, I remember too, they're like, I'm going to go out with Nick to the improv tonight. For them, it's like, I saw Sarah Silverman and I, you know, like they're having a fun night that's not normal for them. Yes. And they're letting loose and enjoying it. And, you know, those wives need to just know that. They need to shut up and understand.

They were having a good time.

Just don't go on the Kratom Reddit page.

Yeah, that's not a good piece. We'll take this. I feel bad that you got stuck with me on this because now you got to eat vegan.

If you do quit or you want to quit and you call me... Don't let that be the end of our relationship because I have a friend that wanted to quit, called me. I'm ready. I'm doing it. I'm like, dude, let's go. Let's meet. And we go to a meeting. He shows up wasted at a meeting. And everyone in the meeting is like, oh, my God, dude, why did you bring this guy? And I'm like, I'm so sorry.

We got bread? Do you actually know words?

Yeah. I think that it's all, I mean, I know for me, to talk about changing looks, if I go from beard to no beard, I do not feel funny. If I don't have a beard, I have a hard time going on stage.

I just got excited that there might be banh mi sandwiches for a second. I was like, oh, no.

I'm just so used to it.

But I don't have it in years, though. Right. And it just feels different. And I think that it's all in your head, really, because there's no difference to it at all.

She speaks English, I guess.

You know what? People want to think that... Like, it's what you said. It's that you're going to be talking about different things. You have different interests and things that make you laugh. But people do want to watch somebody that they feel like is out of control sometimes. Oh, yeah. I felt that way about Getting Sober. For real?

Well, you just think about it when you think about all the romanticized versions of authors and musicians and people that you know that are...

Hunter S. Thompson. Hunter S. Thompson, of course. That's the madness. That's like, I love going down the rabbit hole of watching him do interviews and stuff. I mean, it's just, have you seen his daily? Yeah. What he eats? Yes. And, like, what he drinks? Oh, my God. Yeah.

Like, a ton of chivas.

A grapefruit, and then he has ice cream or something, maybe?

Well, Townes Van Zandt, like, one of my favorite musicians, I mean, that was sadness. People around him say it was the saddest thing. But what happened to him? He was just an alcoholic. So the, you know, and heroin, I'm sure, and coke. For real? Do we have balsamic vinegar?

Osama bin vinegar? Osama bin vinegar?

Osama bin vinegar. Look at, I mean, you got, yeah. It's so funny. Nate would be so angry right now. This is the other night we went out to eat, and he hates it when people put garnishes on things. For real?

How easy is it for you to pay attention? So this is one thing that somebody told me to do if you're like auditioning for something and you want to learn the lines to do them while you're cooking. Right. Like when you're doing your dishes. You have to put your brine on where you, yeah. But I can't do that at all. So the fact that you can do this and talk. So I can't, I'm a horrific actor.

Three years ago.

No. In fact, you know, he wouldn't. When I was young, there's no way I would have eaten vegan. I didn't even eat vegetables, so. Now I love them. Oh, I love vegetables. But I don't want to, you know, I don't ever impose my stuff on him. Like, he's allowed to do, he's allowed to drink, he does coke. It's like, I'm sober, that's me. No, I appreciate that.

It was fun. I coached his team. It was really fun.

Yeah, I love baseball.

I signed up and I was like, listen, I'm not the most knowledgeable guy about soccer, but I know how to hang out with kids. And they were like, cool, we'll give you an assistant coach. You know, and then that guy knew most of the things. I just want to give a shout-out to Shane and Vic right now. Oh, my God. But it was the most fun ever.

I love getting kids pumped up and, like, making them believe in themselves.

The fact that this is vegan is pretty wild. Yeah, the gnocchi is great. This is... The texture I was a little worried about.

You can. That's what's amazing. My girlfriend and her family have been eating vegan for so long that... I was just lucky. I mean, I get to eat things that are amazing.

Harriet Tubman, you know her?

We ain't got to get into that. That could be a good name for you.

You know, it's the thing. If you stand by and watch something without... Our opinions, I don't think anybody's wondering. I wonder what Nick's thinking about this issue because I want to base my belief on that as well. But there are things that sometimes you've got to talk about that you've got to say if you have a platform. It's basically hurting people to not.

But to be in a business like this, I love that for maybe an hour I can take people away from any of that.

I can tell you what I don't really care about permanence. Sure.

Yeah, I mean, I think when it comes to things like that, of the flesh that are like that, I don't think about it too much. I don't know how I would handle my kid doing it. I don't think I would want it to. That would freak me out. I would be so scared.

Yeah, there's a lot of those, and there's just stupid things. Show me some and explain them.

Let's see these tattoos. This one is my grandmother's window. Like the view from her window and eating grapefruit juice. Looking out of it or into it? This is looking into the house. Did she keep you outside a lot? Yeah, I was always out there looking. You weren't allowed in the house. Collecting the grapefruits. Yeah, that is sad. And I have like my son, his name, you know, that he drew.

The first time he ever wrote his name, I just went and got it tattooed. And then stupid Bob Dylan lyrics and my girlfriend's name and, you know, other shit.

Yeah, I don't I don't agree with the no regret thing either, because I do. There are times where I'm like, oh, I don't know about the lesson that it taught my kid or like the you know, like, why did you get that? I'm like, I was in Atlanta. So is it that impulsive for you?

If you really focus on it while it's happening, it's so intense that it like, I kind of got addicted to that for a while. For real? Yeah. Are you done getting them or do you think you can get more? I haven't gotten one in like maybe a year or something. Really? But yeah. How many do you think you have total? I don't know, but it pretty much started like this right here.

This cactus smoking was like the first kind of thing. Really? I like the lightning bolt. Which I love. I love that. I saw this guy and I didn't even ask the artist. I was like, I just saw this guy posted on Instagram and I was in Mexico City and I took it in. I was like, just put that right there. Mexico City? Yeah. I mean, you know, they're cool there.

I don't hate any of them. Right. I think the only time I do hate these is when I have to sit in a makeup chair and they cover stuff. Yeah. Which is getting a lot faster. But for real? The makeup covering is like, they've got now spray guns and they're doing it. And I thought about, maybe I should get those removed just because that's a hassle. Yeah. Also, I... I really don't care.

I just, you know, I should care more. No. You care the perfect amount.

Cheers. Very surprising.

It's called Born Young. It's on YouTube. And yeah, you can just search me and search that.

My best parts of it come from the actual writing. The idea always has to come from life, but... For instance, I'll write something where I'm like, I'm writing this bit about being at the grocery store and I say in my the thing that I wrote is like I'm behind three people in line or, you know, there's three people ahead of me in line.

And then the thing that I type that I would have never thought to say out loud is after that, they all had one thing in common, dot, dot, dot. I was right behind them. And then I wrote that one day and I go, I'm going to say that on stage tonight. It's going to get a big laugh. And it did. And I could just tell by my timing. It's not funny or whatever, but it's just silly.

It's like you just say the thing. Yeah. And I can tell when I'm writing like that, I write more in my voice than when I'm trying to think like, hey, write in your voice.

a mainstay after that like it's weird how that shit works it's mostly and then you know what's great though is if you write it down to go back to it in like two years and be like right well llama 7-eleven what was that about you know and then to like re-find it and then maybe it's actually funny now

I'm so sorry. And afterwards, he's telling me, he's like, you know, usually when I don't want to do things, I just tell people I have a therapist appointment, but I don't have a therapist. Cut to a week later. I'm like, hey, you want to go to that meeting again? He's like, can't, man. I've got therapy today. And I'm like, oh, you forgot you told me your secret lie. Oh, my God.

And then he never talks to me anymore because now he thinks that I'm... You know, like when people are like, I'm going to make a decision that changes my life.

That could be like a Brody Stevens joke, by the way. That just seems like he used to say, like, Toyota Camry, leather exterior. You know, just like the slight off thing of it. Yeah. I had a dream about him like a year ago, and I woke up so happy.

Yeah. Because it was like, I guess I hear people say this about losing a parent or something. You just get like a freebie, like a free moment with them that you would have never had. Ooh. And it was like a great, great moment. And it was like, he was aware of what he did and he was like, yeah, stupid. And I was like, yeah.

Are you sure you weren't having delirium tremors? Because I had a similar experience except I was detoxing.

No, especially when people, I mean, I was avoiding the doctor like I think most men do at a certain age. My doctor texted me today. But I knew that there were things bad in my body, like the fact that my liver hurt all the time. But if they don't tell you.

What does it feel like? It was like right here, my lower back. I just feel this like thing. Nick, you know I'm looking at it.

No, but I got Lyme's disease. Oh, damn. In Bloomington, Indiana. And went to the doctor and they had to take my blood and all this stuff and then. Couple times later, I come in and he's like, so we got your results back. And he goes, did you know that you have 366 enzymes in your liver? And I was like, well, sounds, I don't know. Sounds like a high score.

Nice, kid.

I was like, what's normal? And he's like, six. Whoa. And I was like, oh, and he's like, yeah, you're dying. Like in front of me, it's happening. It's like you are in a very bad place and you need to get sober now, you know? And I left and bought a bottle of vodka across the street. Well, that's a tough.

If the cops and everything would have done their job properly, my dad would have been in jail. I would have never existed.

If the cops and everything would have done their job properly, my dad would have been in jail. I would have never existed.

I kept just kind of asking everybody, anyone else think this is strange?

I kept just kind of asking everybody, anyone else think this is strange?

I kept just kind of asking everybody, anyone else think this is strange?

To open our consciousness to something more than just what's in that western box.

To open our consciousness to something more than just what's in that western box.

It was big news. I mean, white girl gets murdered, found in a cemetery, big, big news.

It was big news. I mean, white girl gets murdered, found in a cemetery, big, big news.

It was big news. I mean, white girl gets murdered, found in a cemetery. Big, big news.

Thank you.

It was big news. I mean, white girl gets murdered, found in a cemetery, big, big news.

Nobody talks about it. Nobody has any information.

Nobody talks about it. Nobody has any information.

individuals on the show may have a direct or indirect financial interest in products or services referred to in this episode.

How did you discover that the image was inverted? I saw the word police and thought I had dyslexia.

And then obviously with the word police. And then we started looking closer and I realized that the driver of the car gets out of the passenger side. It became clear. And if it wasn't Buchanick, who else could that somebody be?

That's so true.

No.

Yeah.

Yeah.

We do not have vigilante justice. We don't have that here in the United States.

Finally, maybe this event would lead to rich and powerful people who have access to top tier healthcare to sort of acknowledge the barbaric nature of our healthcare system.

Check this out. Creepy. Creepy. Seems fine, right? He's whatever he's doing. Having fun. What, he's just fucking with Chucky merch?

What happened?

I put the whale in Wailing Wall. Whoa!

Yes, another member of the corrupt media. Yes, we could have lunch today.

He is everything you want him to be because he loves you all so much. It's all in caps. I can't even explain his love. You can only experience it. You guys wonder how I do it. I take no credit for my status today. It smiles from Christ, Jesus who stretches me. All glory to him. Cut.

That's the way in! Yes!

I was kind of hoping we'd see a weird star or Biden would fall down.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I knew then I was the victim of a sexual assault.

Shut up! Shut up! Just shut the fuck up! He's gotten so fat that his beard doesn't fit.

There's nothing wrong with it. Absolutely not. It's a governor's waist. A mania's pant.

You can't do that. You're just a train. I think you can. You know what, Thomas? I'm thinking you're believing in yourself too much. You've got to stop it. You're attached to a track. All right? You can't go anywhere. You're a helicopter. Oh, my God, that train has a face.

Oh, well, back to fix this old baby carriage.

You got free food at the funeral?

Hey, you want me to stop right now?

It's partly why I enjoy them so much.

That seems like the first thing you don't do, right?

Someone do better! Someone should have worked harder! Someone should have made it wetter! Where was the water?

That's a bit of a smoking gun.

It's just a piggy acts like a man.

We got to go to dinner. All right? We're going out. We're going to have one night out.

What if it's evil? What if that was where it all started?

A family of fucking rubbish? We all hate you. You should all live on an island, Devil's Island. But I'm not kidding. But I promised you a bomb, and by hell, I'm not kidding. So why don't you just flit while you've got the chance? We can't get you out normally, then we'll bastard well bomb you out, and it's too good for you.

They all do it. They all do it. Six out of ten. Six out of ten are firefighters, I'll tell you that much.

I just feel like things are getting complicated.

Squirt your paraffin oil up inside my mouth.

It's just the, all right, I'm giving it to you, love. It's the British guys going, oh, oh, oh, now we're getting in there. Now we're getting in the gizzards. I'm coming to completion.

Very good, then. All right. Well, we're done.

Yeah, it's me, Tony Gribbons.

I liked it better the other way. I hate change.

Ah, fuck. Ah, shit. Ow, ow, ow. He's trying to put it out with his peg leg. Ow, ow. Damn wood leg. It's catching. It's catching.

And I knew that things were different. I saw him drink water. A full Coca-Cola. And I knew the next thing he would be is fornicating with a man in the jungle.

You felt across the avenue, do-do-do-do. Up was the sun, shining right on you. Shining right on you.

He's just Caucasian. Our new proprietary roast might seem eerily similar, but don't let your tongue deceive you. It's a Butterfly Dude Roast.

Let me show you around.

Yeah.

And I was like, no fucking shit.

Sorry, Mr. Zabrowski, your test came back and you have anal cancer. Good boy.

Oh, yeah.

Hey, see, you got bio-Nazi gold there. That's kind of nice. That's kind of nice. You ever had any Nantucket green? Come on, it's the worst weed I ever had. You're going to be so thankful. You're going to be so thankful you're not going to get scared smoking it. You got to try it. Okay, great. Hey, you know, I'm just an acquaintance.

Yeah.

Not many people are ready to accept what I have to say and the types of truths that I have. Because the truth, sometimes they're so confusing and they're so not real that you'd be crazed to think that it's not the truth. But actually, the truth can be not real. Yeah.

They had to pull it apart.

And they had to do the other parts because obviously all the boys were trapped in it. So they had to pull it apart and they used that steel for other things.

I just, honestly, I was over it. I was so sick of it. I was like, oh, I'm stiff. You know what? I'm going to stretch.

Okay, answer me a question. Ask me a question. I got the little voice in my head. It answers everything. It's easy.

Also, just because I was such a big part of American history that they had to cut out. It was so hard for them to do it, to cover it up.

Just made that up.

You know, that's the thing. What's crazy is that you'd even be, you know, the psychics will cook and lunch. We're in Tangier. Yeah. You know, we got the Jedis over there.

I couldn't help but notice when we were torturing that one Montauk boy. He had a beautiful voice. And I got just the song for him.

It's been a while.

This was a frightening, well-planned, targeted murder that was intended to cause shock and attention and intimidation.

I hadn't planned to speak, but on behalf of all the military men and women who serve our country and serve so honorably on behalf of the state of Michigan, I am really damn happy we're here to celebrate this recapitalization at Selfridge. It's crucial for the Michigan economy. It's crucial for the men and women here, for our homeland security and our future. So thank you. I'm so, so grateful that

This announcement was made today, and I appreciate all the work. Thank you.

You know, you are the equivalent of a rock star in politics.

Yes.

This thing has been malfunctioning for days.

No, no, no, no, no.

They're waving away nothing right now.

2012?

Pears. Mealy. Peaches. Slimy. Pineapples. Pointy.

They got to get Leo in there. Oh, it's going to be the Wolves versus the Knicks.

Dante versus his boys.

It was a New Year's resolution. Yeah.

Yeah, let me see this. Pop Mart. I love the style of the artwork already.

1700.

8,000.

And on behalf of the great state of Maine, I give you Senator-elect Angus King!

Ja, das ist richtig. Naomi Gurma ist Chelsea-Spielerin. Das bedeutet, Naomi Gurma ist jetzt der weltweit teuerste Spieler. Naomi, willkommen zu Chelsea.

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Yeah, we do. But it's downstairs, below ground.

We are going to put it into our brewery cellar. You'll be able to see our tanks.

Ich werde es ihm machen, wenn er es nicht refusieren kann.

Oh mein Gott.

Oh, man.

No, not big slim.

They are from. No pun intended.

I didn't have to go to my old chick to sleep with her.

You said.

Mm-hmm.

Really?

Uh-huh.

You know, this does remind me of the bubble, but it's on steroids. I mean, there is a data point, a podcast, a rumor every five minutes.

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2016.

Right? We all know it's important, but most of us just assume it's this mysterious thing we can't control.

And the setup was super easy. You do this 4, 10, 6 breathing technique. Basically, inhale for 4 seconds, hold for 10, exhale for 6. And Lumen gives you a reading from 1 to 5.

Ooh.

That's fucked up, Joe. Oh, shit. Belle?

He is.

I was just about to say. He didn't sound like this before. No balls.

They just went to where them immigrants was eating good at. The Renaissance. What's the name of that hotel that was down there? They went up there and said, check please.

How y'all want a nigga to talk?

This is the one right here, man. This is the one.

I'm done. Yeah, but we got sold out. So what?

Before camera phones.

They ain't like, oh, yeah, tap jam, tap jam, tap jam, looking around saying. Oh, shit, I'm that age. It's over. It's over. It's finished.

I don't even know if he liked the name. I think he was just like, yeah, shred. That's cool.

Yeah, I think he saw him at Woodstock or something.

No, there was a guy who we just always referred to as Big Asa in Berkeley. He was a family friend, kind of. I think he was 11 or something. He was a couple years older than me. And actually, Big Asa sold me my first car, too, which was a 1977 Plymouth Velare that he described as Doja Green inside and out, which is a very Bay Area term for weed. Oh, Doja.

Yeah, it was pretty cool. Had dents running up and down the sides.

This story that I'm going to tell you guys is very, very Bay Area too. Like very Bay Area. Like I was thinking about... So you're basically...

There's one trip that is a long, it has different facets. And we can talk about family trips in general, but we didn't take a lot of them growing up. So we can talk about whatever you guys want. I'm perfectly fine. This is a very Bay.

In a very Bay Area way, I was at my brother's birth, which was at home. There's a picture of me and my best friend, Ari, just like Macaulay Culkin-ing, just like watching it happen.

happen like oh god what is this and then my parents saved his placenta in our refrigerator so it was in our freezer for like a year because they forgot about it so whenever i would try to go get ice cream or anything i'd look up there and be like well that piece of meat there is from mom

I think that their intention was that they were going to eat it. Yeah.

You're like, maybe we won't. Yeah, wait for July 4th or, you know, whatever it was. They were waiting for it. But yeah, freeze the bird, and then they planted it under a tree.

I mean, that's the coolest home birth story ever.

Yes. My dad is an artistic director of theater. He's a theater director. And my mom was a graphic designer for many, many years and is now sort of retired. She's retired. But he attempted to retire and hasn't.

What's funny is that my wife is named Marielle and then we named our kid, I wanted to name our son Wiley and then name our last child Bob. Because I just wanted everyone to have a weird name.

Well, I did research, you know, which I think most people do because you're like, oh, am I remembering these?

Those people are doing better than me. I think the better you're doing in your career, the less research you're doing.

Well, honestly, I was trying to remember the trips beyond going to visit grandparents. Because most of our trips, financially growing up, we were not doing well at all. I grew up in Berkeley. As you said, we lived in a pretty crappy neighborhood in Berkeley. So we got robbed a lot, which was really funny because we had nothing to rob.

And there's some really good stories there, but this isn't about that.

No, there's a couple stories where I remember someone trying to break in. through the one window that didn't have the electrical alarm tape with this crazy alarm that was like a school bell alarm. So it was the loudest thing you've ever heard. But if you broke a window and it had the gray tape, then it would shatter the tape and then it would trigger this alarm.

And the one window that only had iron bars on it was being broken into. So I remember seeing a guy trying to get into the... And then one of the funnier times when we were robbed, we were robbed by our neighbors.

There's a couple funny ones. This one was that they used our own wheelbarrow to... steal an amplifier and all this old-school stereo equipment that we had. But it seemed like they had covered up the stereo equipment in the wheelbarrow with diapers, and so there was a trail of diapers leading to our neighbor's house. That was a funny one.

And then another one was we did take a trip, a family trip, and we came back and the alarm had been going off for like 12 hours. So all of the people in the neighborhood, nobody cared that we got robbed at that point.

The fire department had tried to be there and nobody could turn it off. Yeah.

Yeah, that's true. You mean like if it had been going off and then they were like, you know what?

I think that's fair. I hope, yeah.

There was another moment that I was telling my dad about this, because I don't think he had ever heard this story. I mean, it's sad. We were living in a pretty crappy area. But no, there was a moment that I was walking to the corner store to get... I was really obsessed with Now and Laters. And I was walking to get Now and Laters at the corner store, and our neighbor...

This isn't that funny because I'm like seven or whatever, however old I was. But our neighbor threatened to kill me with a kitchen knife. And the thing I remember most about it was that I think it was our kitchen knife. It was a serrated kitchen knife that I was like, oh, I think that's our knife. That's what I remember about it.

I just sort of walked around him into the street and walked to the corner of the door.

No, we didn't confront anyone.

Because you're in trouble, mister. You Columboed your own assailant. Yeah. No, there was a lot of that growing up. It was just like a... And the weirder part was we had... I never experienced this before anywhere, but there was a mobile police station on our block. They had a bus that they parked there on our block because it was so bad growing up. I don't know.

I mean, it's no longer like this sort of thing, but... Yeah, that was pretty intense. So regardless, we didn't take that many family trips because we just didn't have that much money.

Yeah, we just left our doors open. Where did your grandparents live?

Yeah, my grandmother lived in Stanford, Connecticut. So we would go out to the East Coast a lot. And I remember those were great trips because we obviously got pampered because my grandmother didn't get to see us as much. And then also my other grandparents lived in Irving, Texas. So very hot. But I loved visiting them. So we did that a lot. And then we went camping and things like that.

But it wasn't, we didn't have that many trips overall. But those were my big memories.

My grandmother in Connecticut, she's a very feisty person. Puerto Rican woman who she taught Spanish for years, but she was like, had more energy. I think you, Seth, you must've met her at some point.

Was she at the wedding? Yes. Yeah, absolutely. And then she like, I'm sure she came to the show. But yeah, she had so much fucking energy. And so she would wake us up at like six in the morning singing like Spanish. So I like, levantense soldados. Get up. And I was always obsessed with, with vacation. I was like, this is vacation. Like just the word vacation was so frustrating to me.

Like, it's not, you don't get up at six to play tennis.

It's a good argument. I always like when your kids have pretty good arguments. And my kid now is starting to really notice. If it's educational, he's using educational now. It's educational, but I'll learn. And that's why you need this Pokemon pack?

No, Irving, it's like really suburban, like a lot of track housing, a lot of cul-de-sacs. It was always so hot. I just remember like as a kid, like being really excited to use the, you know, like the first time when you get a hose and it's the hose with the nozzle and you're like, I'm a fireman. You're very excited about being a fireman.

So Texas to me was like the place where I got to like shoot the house with a hose.

It's possible nowadays, yeah.

Worth it. Also. Cause you're feeling like the kick of the, like the hose has power in the way that you've seen like a firefighter, like, Whoa, this thing.

So I got one of those like power washers because I was recently to clean the deck. And this is really fun because you can, it's probably, this is not a good idea for just saying this out loud in public. But I was shooting my kid with the power washer. And he was like, it has so much water. He loved it. I like any activity that's like a parent activity, but you're having a pretty good time. Yeah.

Yes.

So this was last night. There was a bunch of kids who came over after they were doing their little Pokemon thing. And they all got Nerf guns and were like, come outside, be the dad. We need a dad. Because they just only abused dad. And so I was like, well, if I'm doing this, I'm really doing it. So I got this...

Okay, so because we didn't ever get to do anything, and like I was, again, obsessed with like the word vacation, like we're going to go on vacation, was the time that my, I was 12 years old, my brother, so I think I was like 12 and a half, 13. So I'm angsty too. Like I'm just like, in addition to being obsessed with like, this is my big vacation, we're going to Hawaii for like spend some money.

Like, wow, we're going to Hawaii. And my brother's eight. And we're going to visit my godmother, who is a woman named Sandra, who sadly has passed away. But she married a native Hawaiian man. So we're going to go visit them on Kauai. So I'm so excited. And just to give you some context of how I've been disappointed in the past by my parents, I remember we had this super shitty... Volkswagen bug.

Every fender was a different color. It was super dented. It was super embarrassing. That was our family car. I remember when I was in third grade, I was obsessed with, as I every kid was, Lamborghinis and limos was the other car that I was like, you can drive a limo. I just thought you could drive a limo. That was the coolest car. As I'm running, my dad picks me up. I'm like, did you bring a limo?

I don't know what I was thinking.

Did you bring a limousine? He was like, yeah, because he's a dad. Like, that's exactly what I would have said. Like, yeah, I brought a limo. And then running outside to see this fucking embarrassment. Like, oh, no. But this felt like this to me, to me, because again, I'm 13. But we go, so when we show up to my godmother's, what I thought was a house, she had been squatting on the shoes.

Okay, let me give some context. Like my parents are very political, liberal minded. Like, you know, my mom worked for a socialist newspaper and she meets Sandra. They're selling little red books together, which is Mao's like, doctrine, whatever. They're communists.

My mom worked for a newspaper called Frontline, which is like the front line of the proletariat will rise up again. It was all just Marxists, basically. But to be fair, they're also like... It's a lot of intellectuals, and they're reading everything. They're not like hippie, like silly, like 60s. It's all very political.

So my godmother is one of these people, and she married a native Hawaiian man named Michael. And so there was a lot of education on this trip. But we pull into this area that we're going to be staying, and they've been squatting on the beach, basically. Yeah. There's no place. It's drift. I'm not exaggerating when I say this. It was like a shantytown, basically.

So it was probably 10 different shacks, kind of, but they're made out of like driftwood and tarps that they'd found from the sea in some cases. But it's weirder than that, though, because then they're furnished inside. Yeah. There's no doors. There's just flaps with tarps. And it's like an unhoused person's squatting area or something. But it's called Anahola Beach Park. But they have electricity.

So there's refrigerators and stuff in there. And people have television. They're stealing electricity from the electrical poles and running them to get electricity. So there's electricity and there's an outdoor beach because it was meant to be a public area. So there's an outdoor shower and stuff like that. The beach is beautiful.

But for me, showing up to our Hawaiian vacation to be like, sorry, where are we staying?

Yes. And then we're staying in this, from my remembrance, me and Asa stay in the shack. And then across the road, because let's back up politically, because this is all true. It's like, you know, Hawaii was basically stolen. by, you know, like Lili'uokalani was a queen. They had like 50 treaties with like every country in the world, basically.

And then the United States came in and basically a policeman was shot and Lili'uokalani just was like, okay, I don't want this to go to war. And then all of Hawaii was now American. And so I can't remember when they became a state or whatever. But there were laws made that were basically like in trying to make things right, they were supposed to give land back to Native Hawaiians.

So that was sort of like, you know, Michael and a lot of people were like, we're waiting for our land, but like none has been deeded to us. It takes a really long time to actually get that land. So... In the interim, across the street from these shacks is this house that they've been building. And Sandra has taken all of her inheritance from her mom and put it into this house.

And they spent like $35,000. Saying it was a house is a little weird. It was like a plywood house, basically. So none of it's been furnished or whatever, but they're working on it forever. And it does have electricity. So my parents stay in there, and then me and my brother stay on the beach in this house. But there's... There's flying cockroaches.

I mean, just for me, I was like, this is a nightmare. My brother had a great time. In fact, I have audio of my brother talking about this, which I can play. Let me see if this works.

Kids are also younger too. So he had like more options with hanging out with people younger. And we did. We had an amazing time. I was telling my dad, I was like, do you remember that beach? I was like, yeah, we found that riptide. And then me and my brother would duck our heads under and follow the riptide in and see how long our breath would last as you got pulled under it. Oh, man.

That was, like, super. And then, obviously, the waterfall. I mean, it was super, like, amazingly beautiful. But there's, you know, like, there's a lot of, like, vets who were a part of this community. And, like, it was just like this. Yes. Again, I was just like, oh, what is this? Like, what are we doing?

And then the thing that my brother mentioned there, the sign that was made, like, my mom painted this sign. The reason that that sign was made was that four days, this is a six-day trip. Four days into the trip, we wake up in the morning, and about 30 police cars are pulling in. And they're federal agents. So all these federal agents get out, and they start tacking up eviction notices.

Like on everything, every structure, every car, every like on the, on the house that they, my, my godmother had built. And so it becomes this huge, it's like, you're going to get evicted. It's like two days after we're leaving, they're coming in and they're going to clear everybody out and evict everybody. And so again, for me, I was like, what is happening? Yeah.

And so then my mom gets into activist mode and she paints this huge, they got this big piece of plywood and she paints this beautiful mural to make it look more official when they come in. And then people start coming out of the woodworks. Like hippies from I don't know where who are just activists show up and start making documentaries. Yeah. Yeah.

I imagine it's local news, maybe, covering something like this?

It's the government, so I don't know how much they wanted to be involved. But the woman named, I remember this woman named Smokey Rain showed up with her boyfriend, and she was like, they were making a documentary. So my mom makes this big, beautiful sign that they put in front to make it look more official. And then they did a big luau, and the radio station came.

I mean, we visited them since this all happened. And Michael was a big part of our family for a long time. He would drink a lot, though. And I remember one of the things, because we were all staying together, was that he would sort of pass out and he would snore. And then me and... It was so regular that me and my brother would beatbox to it. And we would go...

I do picture that while Michael's snoring the flaps on the shanty are like blowing out that's when the cockroaches are getting in disturbing the chickens that were running around but then to complete that like they got evicted like right after we left everyone got evicted everything got torn down with bulldozers her house got torn down and then my godmother and like six other people were in jail for nine months after that

Yeah.

It didn't. I don't think. Well, you know what? They became known as like the Anahola Beach Park 7 or something. Oh, there you go. Maybe it did. And then she ran for mayor after that too. She ran for mayor of Kauai.

That got torn. That was the saddest because then we watched the documentary.

It was like, I was only at, by the way, I was like only like a half an hour documentary, but that was seeing that was like, just like, so, cause they, cause they got a quick claim deed, which I don't really understand the mechanics of that, but it's like basically like you, if you go down and you say like, wait, we're on this thing and we've been here for a while. And again, like,

He was on the list as a Native Hawaiian man to be able to get this land. So he should have been able to get it. It just takes years to do, and apparently you can't just claim whatever land you want. And then eventually they were actually given a bunch of acres, and me and my wife, the first trip we went to, we visited them, and it was great.

Yeah. Yeah, it was right when the Lonely Island started. Right after we graduated, I was already dating Mari, and Andy and Keith came down to L.A., and I had already had this trip planned, so they were looking out, going to live for houses in L.A. And I went to Hawaii and visited Sandra and Michael again.

Yeah. Three times, I think. Yeah, I think it was three. That's great. But the first one was the most memorable.

Yeah, it's amazing. Especially because you are with local people. people who were like, oh, no, no, go to this one sort of thing. And it did take forever to hike into the... And Kauai is stunningly beautiful. I mean, it is Jurassic Park.

It's so cool. Like, Hawaii has so many... I actually went on vacation with me, Mari, Akiva, and Liz went to Hawaii and found another... I can't remember what island we were on. But we found another one of those deep woods. Like, you know, you had to, like...

a mile in and then you hike forever and then there's this huge open area of this like this like almost like this lake and then you have to go like through the lake and then up a rope ladder up this waterfall and like and then like in the back there's this amazing it was

Oh, the Derek stories?

You know, anybody with kids, I was like, do your kids think this is funny?

These are on Spotify. It's on all streaming podcasts. They're like two-minute long stories. They're basically Aesop's Fables that get interrupted by a guy named Derek. And then changes the moral.

So the ASAPs,

fable is that there's a lamb that's bathing in a river and then up from there there's a wolf trying to come up with an excuse to eat the lamb to like basically be like hey how dare you drink from the water that i'm uh bathing in he's like oh no if the water is is uh soiled it cannot be for me because it runs down from you to me and it's a basically like he's gonna eat him anyway sort of thing he's not gonna get like a villain is always gonna be a villain it was their was their moral

But in this version, as he's trying to, like, poke at the lamb, then Derek's like, oh, no, that's me, actually.

He's right, Carmen.

It's still a punchline constantly. There's something that we're working on right now that I don't understand.

Yeah.

Have you played it for your kids?

My Wiley's friends cannot get enough. I literally had a conversation where he was like, I don't know why I can't hear this again. Like, it's not out yet.

Yes. And then it goes, I don't know if this is like this for you guys, but like, but it goes, it goes back and forth. Like, like he was great for like, I mean, while he was on a plane at like eight weeks to Berlin, he said, we were like, ah, he's settled.

And then, you know, and just recently, like we went to London recently and I was like, you know, oh man, he was, he was super anxious about the whole thing. I don't know what it was, but like, yeah.

I mean, it was okay. We were trying to keep them on a New York schedule because it was five days. But then every day, it's like very consistently, it's like one hour has chipped away. And then by the end, I was like, no, we're fucked.

Yeah, we like to do it like that. As long as it's very problematic.

I don't know. We had to live in Berlin as well for a little while because Mario was doing the Queen's Gambit out there. So we were there for four years.

the same amount of time it was basically like four and a half months so it's always been that it's crossed over into his school year so it's a little bit beyond a trip because then you're also going to school there so he's gone to school in Pittsburgh and Berlin and LA recently and yeah so it's like he's had to it's like the summer plus two months or something like that so he I don't know what he thinks of it as like

It's actually another, like, now I'm creating my own family trips. And I think maybe the best trip, because I make a lot of dad decisions, I'm like, this will be fine. And when it was just Wiley, because there's a pretty big gap, he's nine, our daughter's three. But when we were in Berlin, I decided to take him. Mari had to go to London for a second. This sounds very hoity-toity.

We're like jet-setting. But she has to be in London for the weekend. And I was like, I'm going to go to this place that these stuntman guys, when I was working on Kung Fury, the movie, I met all these German stunt people who were like, you got to go to this place called Tropical Islands. And you should look this up. But there's a place called Tropical Islands.

Seth, you guys are not just brothers on a podcast, your brothers in real life. And you can tell there's a certain vibe that you guys give off. And my brother joined the podcast as well in parts. So it was great.

It's about 45 minutes outside of Berlin. And it's in the most massive old Soviet era. It's going east. Soviet era Zeppelin factory. So it's the biggest like twinkie, like concrete looking twinkie you've ever seen. And you're like just so unbelievably massive. And they created a water park in it. So I was like, I'll bring my then like four-year-old to tropical alone. Like I'll just bring him there.

So I drive to tropical islands and then, you know, it's a theme. It's amazing. Like there's like a jungle inside and you can take a hot air balloon ride inside the thing. And we go there and then I just proceed to feed him nothing but like fries and candy for like six hours.

It's fine. Yeah. And then, and then getting home. I mean, just like, and then, and then wondering why he's like melting down, just like screaming at me and like, yeah, no, it's a good.

We're a good couple for that sort of thing. Because Mari, I think, when deciding to do The Queen's Gambit, she was also like, who's going to watch this show about chess? Yeah. Like, really, like, come on. I was like, well, yeah, but you should do, you should do it. Like, we like, yeah. So yeah, like I'm, I'm definitely a good partner for that sort of thing. I'm just like, this will be fine.

Like whether it's like, or like, just like being overly optimistic. That's kind of what I mean by like dad decisions. I think that like, those are like, I was just talking to Avi the other day, and he was like, should I go to that?

After we were going to, this is Kristen Wiig's husband, but Avi was like, in addition to going to this ninja trampoline park that we were at, he was like, I think we ought to go to the Natural History Museum. I was like, yeah, yeah, man, push it. Get him some candy.

I like to sort of either drive around or run around and just sort of figure out things based on that so much. And then there were things that I would immediately do in places where somehow I always ended up at a skate shop. Kind of thing.

But like, no, I bought a skateboard there and I would skate at this park near where his school was. But that was also when we were writing the MacGruber series. So it was particularly weird because I met these... It's just meeting random people. I was like, I just have no shame. And like, what's up, man?

So there was a production company that was right near where, like three doors down from where we were staying in Prince Lauerberg. And I met these guys and I was like, oh, there's like a film production company. And I was like, hey, when are you guys done? Because I'm writing with people in Los Angeles and they come in at like 10 in the morning.

So if you're done at like 6.30, if I could get in here at seven, I could just write all night while you're not here. And so that's what every night I would write from like 7 p.m. to like sometimes 5 in the morning. Then I would go back to bed as long as I could. Then I would drive Wiley to school. Then I would go to the skate park to try to make myself tired. Then I would go back to bed.

I started all over again.

Well, when you're my age, and by the way, I don't skate much because I have this, I know you can't see this scar, but like the last time I really tried was, so yeah.

Yeah, yeah. All the other crazy thing in researching this with my parents was that both of them, their response when I was like, yeah, I was disappointed. Both of their responses was like,

It wasn't so much that. It was my mom was like, you know what? You learned something. It was not wrong. I just don't know if I would call it a vacation. Yeah.

I'm above the law. It's always different when there's no one to hand off that child to.

I just like it when parents now, when it shifts a little bit where they're kind of in the kid position. I'm like, oh, but no, but I didn't mean... You know, like we did that with my mom a lot too, like pandemic, because we were out there in the Bay for the birth of my daughter. And it was the same, granted it was pandemic time. So we had some rules that we were supposed to follow.

And then occasionally my mom would just be like, it was like, you couldn't go to a store. And then we'd come back and yeah, she'd brought them to go get ice cream. And you were like, it's a store. It's still a store. And she'd be like, well, you know what, you all gave it to me. And you're like, the dynamic has shifted here.

shaped into a circle see that's that was my upbringing like because we had like care of it oh yeah that's i remember sandberg said the same thing but you berkeley kids were like wait no there was a moment where me and my friend snuck a bottle of vitamin c we ate an entire bottle of vitamin c and i can't get it i was like oh we ate 50 000 times our daily allowance there's

And just peed like electric.

Yeah, you're looking in the right places then. That's really hippy-dippy shit. Because I felt like it got better.

Oh, was there? No, from your perspective, that's nice to hear.

No, that really set the tone because the woman who married us is a yoga instructor, is our friend, who we went on a yoga retreat with. So that really set that tone. And then later it was on Kay.

Yeah, I think that that is right. And it's also like, that's always a fun one because you ask your friend to do it and then you're like, oh, that's what you're going to say. That's just as big a surprise to me as it was to you.

It was during the wedding he did this.

Gotcha, gotcha.

And Josh, I'm sorry I didn't invite you. That's okay.

I love my brother's voice. He's fantastic. In fact, we just did a thing for this Knuckles Sonic the Hedgehog spin-off show that he did all the music for, and he plays the voice of this demon. So when you see episode four, that's my brother. He did do one more that was about... It was about a fight that I had with my dad that I don't remember that was on the show. Oh, let's hear it.

Yeah, well, okay. Winston, my friend Winston Ross and a guy named Mark Shotland, I was really, I was very good pals with right before I met Akiva. I met Akiva when I was 12 years old. So yeah, so I met those guys and we were in, it was the first comedy rap show that I was ever involved in. We were in a group called Strike Three because we had each struck out with ladies. Super cool.

yeah so we would write raps about I guess it wasn't comedy it was comedy rap from an outside perspective for us it was just emotional rap you know right right you didn't think strike three was funny you were like we're showing you our full hearts but me and but me and Winston did some pretty good we had some pretty good pranks though we did a we did a lot of prank calling because you could do that back in the day yeah

The one I was the most proud of, because I was like, this is a really weird joke for two 12-year-olds to come up with. We would call in our little voices. We would call people's houses and we would find an answering machine and then we would read. We'd fill up their answering machine by reading John Steinbeck's The Red Pony. We'd just keep calling back and be like, where was I? Chapter two.

I was like, that's a fucking weird joke. Yeah.

Those are the best jokes. With the advent of AI, this is in the same vein. I wanted to find old emails that I hadn't responded to and then have AI write a book as a response. Write 300 pages on how sorry I am that I didn't get it. And then send that years later, like, dear Seth, I'm so sorry I missed it. Why did I miss it in the first place?

Maybe. It's possible. I mean, it's, you know.

This was always the dynamic though, Seth. Asa was always cooler than me. Like Asa, okay, just to give some context. First of all, my brother's in a band called Electric Cast. He's a very talented music producer.

So he's a cool lead singer of a band.

Yeah, Ace is like me from Concentrate. Everything's sharper, smaller, more compact. He's cooler. He had a competition with himself where he was trying to see how many winter balls and proms he could go to in the Bay Area. I think he went to 13 or something. I met a girl. Two girls introduced themselves to me on the same day. To me, his brother, as their girlfriend.

He's like, well, Ace is my boyfriend. I was like,

And you were like, I'm in strike three. Yeah, exactly. So to get back to that. So I used to record myself on an audio cassette. And when, when I was rejected, it was a real, this was real painful. When I was, when I got my strike, I recorded a lot of myself making like, and you know, and she just, she didn't like me. I

a lot of that like 10 minutes of that and then years later my brother found this tape and he was like dude I found this tape of this girl like crying about something I was like that's not a girl that's me I was like yeah this is perfect I mean I was I was hopeful that he had remixed it that he had used his multitude of music skills to make if we only had that to go out on

All right.

Yeah, it'd probably be like Macho Man's family, you know? Randy Macho Man Savage? Like Macho Man Randy Savage's family. And I would hope it would be like somewhere in Florida.

by the way just a little shout out Macho Man released a rap album and it's called Be A Man Hulk it's a diss album to Hulk Hogan if you have not heard it it's one of the best things you've ever heard it's really well produced and he says because he doesn't want to alienate fans he says kick ya in the butt a lot kick ya in the butt it's fucking great I'm glad you said if you haven't heard it for all the listeners who were like I heard that dude oh okay

I don't know how nerdy comedy fans your audience is.

As kids, we were like, we thought it was like an urban hub. And I was like, this is like the coolest. Berkeley's like hardcore. And then as soon as I moved away, I was like, oh, I lived in like a quaint college town with cafes.

Gordo Burritos. I'll pronounce it correctly even though everyone says it with an S. In fact, there was a moment at SNL Andy was having an animated discussion with Billy Joe from Green Day and I walked up and I was like, you guys talking about Gordo? And they were like, yeah.

Okay.

Why don't you want to?

Isn't it like one of the seven wonders of the world or something?

I hope Josh is jealous about this because I'm really excited about it and I want to cut into your family time.

Oh my God. It's amazing to me that he really did just love doing that impression. I think that's how it came about. I've been like, well, I can do Scarface. It's made its way into my everyday. And then there was a song that we did called Trouble on Dookie Island. And we wanted to have a Scarface sample on it because it was like a crime story, like Wu-Tang style crime story. And we were like,

I mean, how much is that? Every time you use the sample, it's $10,000? And we were like, we know a guy. We called up Michael.

What if it's really sweet though? It's all just like, you know, talking about how much he loves his brother.

Yes. And if you want to go to the Grand Canyon, Josh, I'm all in. Great.

Yeah, he had different memories than I did. And I gotta say I conflicted with some of his memories and his memories much happier than mine.

Yeah, absolutely. I got to say, there were scenes that we shot in Popstar where I'm in a scene with Andy and he's across me. We're acting and I'm seeing him judge me just being like, no, I'm like, we're doing a scene like you can't give me notes with your eyes. Yeah.

You know what's really funny is that recently, because I've had this experience too, but having my brother say it was somehow more insulting. But he was like, recently, Ace was like, yeah, sometimes I just think about your name and I just laugh. I'm like, what? What? But it is such a weird name.

Whenever I've met anybody who has a similar, like Yohaz or just any Yuff sounding name, I'm like, that's a bizarre name.

But it's like Old Testament biblical, right?

Yes, because ASSA is somehow. Yes. Did I tell you the funniest one I ever got? What was the best? It was also funny because they weren't trying to be insulting. But the guy was like, I'm sorry, urine? I was like, urine? No, my parents didn't name me urine.

Yeah, George Michael Conan from the Jefferson Airplane. And I met him, and I did tell him.

No, no, no, no, no, no. My dad just loved the band.

Oh, so it's the worst version. I met him because I went and saw him at McCabe's Guitar Store in Picoville.

What do you think of that compared to like the Ridley Scott, here's my director's cut approach?

I love to adopt. I believe in adopting. We adopted Halo. We rescued him. I do always think, though, that it can stray into blaming the animal for a thing that is not the animal's fault.

But the people. It's obviously a very rich satirical text here to mine. Yeah.

When you made me watch The Art of Racing in the Rain? Yeah.

You have to watch this tonight because it's going to come up on Rewatchables tomorrow. I believe it was when we were doing Draft Day and then it did not come up. But I did watch it.

Oh, I used to watch Homer Bound like every day.

I've not seen that. Is it worth checking out?

A lot of good dog movies. You can definitely do a month on the rewatchables even though you're doing best in show right now. Look at that. Great news.

Not even close. This is my favorite comedy, period. This is one of my five favorite movies of all time.

Like a moment or an essence?

My favorite thing about it is the absurdity. Like that heightened quality of capturing something that seems simultaneously impossible and yet really true to a certain type of life. And that is Christopher Guest's genius, obviously. If you made me drill down beyond that, I would say, so my dad loves Christopher Guest.

Like Christopher Guest's Bob Dylan impression is probably my dad's like platonic ideal of comedy. We saw this together. We watched all of the Christopher Guest movies together. I don't know that the Rubin household has laughed in a heartier and more fervent fashion than watching Cookie Fleck.

It might be the hardest I have ever laughed.

And it's, I mean, Busy B is a close second. Like, Busy B is just a recurring bit of comedy in our house after the movie. I just, I love it.

He might be my favorite thing, actually. It's hard to pick.

and like the camera's on so i have to behave sort of thing i thought was incredible it's it's the highlight of fred's career and he had a really fun career but i think this would be the first thing i mean he was parodying this parody on the bachelor yeah you know until months before his death like this is just such an iconic i i don't know if this is true but i feel like if you asked 100 people what's your favorite part of best in show the majority of them would say fred willard

Probably like that's like the right that emerged and transcended the movie in a way. Yeah, I agree.

Yeah.

Murderer's Row.

Then you would have to watch a sci-fi or Marvel movie.

Come on, Rog. Rog. What the fuck, man?

You already did. You did.

Agreed. I would say the whole entire thing, all 90 minutes, crazed genius.

It's a tough one for rewatchables because every single scene is rewatchable.

You didn't write down every single scene? I started to be more disciplined as I got further into the film.

Yeah.

Congress of the Cow. Got myself in a position that wasn't very easy for me emotionally. It's called the Congress of the Cow.

Not on my work computer.

I think you did. She describes it where the woman is bent over, the hands are on the floor, and the man is behind. I will just say right now, I don't know if I'm picking it for most rewatchable scene. I think this is in the running for best opening scene of a movie ever.

You think they're talking, even though you know the movie's about dogs, you think they're talking about a human child who has seen and been scarred by watching them have sex, and then they pan to their sad dog on her chaise at therapy.

That's incredible.

I don't know how to pronounce that. Wine murmur?

Poor Beatrice.

This is iconic.

Yeah.

With him, like, with the eyes crossed. Oh, my God. He looks like Austin Powers in that picture.

Well, are you keeping it to movies only? Because otherwise, obviously, it would be The Office.

That's a great, that is actually a great one to drill down on in terms of their creative process, how much is structured and known in advance and how much is improv. Because you want to believe they know that because they're working toward Jerry's going to have to be the handler.

They knew exactly what it was like when Cookie and Bulge fucked on the roller coaster. They knew all of that. Bulge was the roller coaster.

Movies only.

Cookie Googleman? I love working with you.

Yes, the degrees of separation collapse onto themselves at some point, and then we get to hear Sherry Ann say, uh, we love snow peas. What a fucking gift.

I think by then you'll just be able to beam a podcast into someone's mind. Yeah. I have. We meet Christy Cummings. She's just a handler. Yeah.

Worked for my family.

Oh, yeah.

No question. The American Bitch spinoff.

I mean, running a publication together with Christy and Sherry.

It was in Horson House.

Okay.

That's still the dream. That's still the dream. It is amazing now to, like, go back because Jane Lynch is such a... Right. ...indispensable part of our comedic fabric. And, like...

And got stuck in the gargoyle.

Faye, I forgot to compliment you on your luscious melon breasts tonight. How does this end? My favorite part is when she's like, thank you.

I love Max and Cookie. I think, again, there's just the through line of Cookie's exes being so brazen with Jerry standing right there. Obviously, Max is the pinnacle of that. She must have been a dynamo.

Malcolm showing up at the party is just like,

Here's some things I love. I love to laugh. I love cinema and I love an animal. It just absolutely has it all.

A couple more that we've passed in the chronology of the film already.

Boy. Yeah. What a night that was.

Yeah. You know, I banged a lot of waitresses. I banged a lot of waitresses. That is so good.

I banged a lot of waitresses.

Yeah, you don't forget the best. Absolutely incredible. But I love how she always keeps apologizing to Jerry. You know, like earlier when they went to the Berman, she's like, who's my future? Who's my future?

Yeah. So good. Oh, man.

I think this is Shakespeare. Busy B is missing.

You know, it's interesting because Adam and I were re-watching this and we were... The two that we've skipped so far that I would nominate are... Megan Hamilton swan sharing their two Starbucks. That's my number one. That's just an, I think, unbelievable scene in the catalogs. The catalog conversation. We're so lucky to have been raised amongst catalogs.

remarkable line in the movie you know i was such a huge j crew person then too still am yeah incredible yeah yeah and then when they arrive at the airport yeah and they're screaming at each other like adam and i were watching this and it's like oh this he's like who are you scenes scenes from a marriage yeah are you meg or are you hamilton but he was just like this is the experience of of living with you and then i think he walked it back a little bit yeah but

But that idea of just like blaming each other for forgetting the pet toy, something going wrong, building toward the Busy B is missing stretch where like Hamilton is completely crawling.

Like he's in a cave into the carrier looking for the toy. Just unbelievable stuff. Unbelievable stuff.

Great. Let's go rogue. I really am fond of Winky. It's hard not to be fond of Winky. I love a terrier. But I feel the pull of Hubert.

and the poor woman who's playing that scene is where I think Adam was like just kidding it's like a little oh boy

Incredible stuff.

His terrier commentary is untouched.

How do they make a miniature? That's the best part.

Is there some way, some process used to make them physically smaller?

Doing it doggy style. Yeah. You come up with the title. I'm not the literary guy. But that's what Trevor's like. They breed them that way.

Yeah. You're going to go.

That's like historic.

It's a fish. The way that she... The quiet rage is actually terrifying to witness. And then I love when she selects the multicolored rainbow rooster. It's a parrot.

Capturing that, like, abusive rudeness of a truly hysterical person. Maniac, yeah.

She got actual braces for this movie.

Incredible commitment. Or, like, you could argue just a perk. It's like, I have to have the braces on to do the movie. And then you come out and you got beautiful teeth.

Like shoeless Joe Jackson. It's remarkable.

Great stuff.

He doesn't have a single miss in the entire movie.

That's my winner.

That's really good. Trevor's face in response to that is hysterical.

Yeah.

You had the gall to repeat your shitty joke.

It's a literal underdog story here. And they had to win. Yeah, this was like the fucking Chiefs not three-peating.

I feel tenderly toward Beatrice, and I think that none of this is Beatrice's fault. It's all obviously the Swans, the two best characters in the history of film.

Every single part of Six Months Later is perfect.

part of it the therapy book ends unbelievable is the captain and the cookies beg for it would that be in your memorabilia things you that is that is my second pick in the memorabilia behind busy busy bee is the no-brainer memorabilia pick but the fact that it's it's not just jerry and his little captain's costume and winky looks so cute and the hilarious name they've landed on it's the fact that it's a cassette tape like it definitely could have been a cd by this point but it's a cassette tape which is just a perfect touch but i i would have to pick

So good. His name being Bulge.

Yep. And now they're wearing colorful.

Yeah. That was one of my unanswerable questions for later. I'm like, what is the rest of Beatrice's life like?

A lot of bright ringer green in their outfits. I have an observation from your run through of most rewatchable scenes.

You did it. Very light on Harlem Pepper.

Yeah. That stands out. Tell me.

I am.

I'm torn between Busy Bee and Cookie's injury. I think I have to pick the spirit of most rewatchable scene. I don't think I'm constitutionally capable of looking away if I know we're about to see Cookie. Okay. I think that has to be the case.

Great question.

No. Stop that.

Yeah.

Yeah. Yes.

Back in the day. My mom, like the Swans, used to have a catalog.

When do you think that Craig, a married man who is a manager at this company and is in his 30s, will stop having to speak on behalf of all young people?

Okay, you want it. I have one foot in the grave, personally.

This is the second Rewatchables in a row for me where what's aged the best was basically everything and what's aged the worst and picking two categories I normally love and have a lot of fun with were nearly impossible.

Before Sunset and this. It's just like, I don't know. These are perfect movies that if we watch them 2,000 years from now, we would say are perfect movies. Yeah.

mockumentary as a forum was my top one as well I think you already said this but parodying crazy pet people like we're in the era of well social media is taking it to a whole new level you can't even parody it anymore like social media is pet people

Catherine O'Hara and Eugene Levy as a comedic duo. I think that's a real what's aged the best. Obviously, everybody in the movie, their comedic brilliance holds up. But I'm wearing my Schitt's Creek sweatshirt today. And, like, we have been so fortunate to spend so many years in so many different properties with them together.

And it is just this, like, really rare thing where... Trust is hard to build and maintain, but you can trust in the two of them together in something. And revisiting that is just such a gift. And I think that the roses from Schitt's Creek, they're modern icons, but it's tough to top the flecks. It really is tough to top the flex.

I think also the swans really aged well as, you know, the cruelest caricature maybe in the film. A yuppie examination. Yeah, exactly. Scott aged well. The Odd Couple broadcast booth. That's a real what's aged the best.

I have a couple. You know what else aged the best, Bill? Rhapsody losing.

Right?

They didn't know there was a toilet in the room.

He's trying to sell the utility closet as like a comfortable place to stay for 48 hours.

And the soy.

That's my pick as well. Yeah.

That is also my pick. I know it tastes better, but it looks like cafeteria hot plate food. It's either that or a popcorn.

Yeah, he's great.

My God. Randy was not enjoying it. No, he was not. I think the thing about the extra large bucket of popcorn is just the specificity of half butter, half salt. Half butter, half salt is really amusing. Yeah.

A lot of drool, slobber puss, as they call them in the film.

We have to pick both because of the nature of the movie. Oh, it's Rhapsody in White. It's Rhapsody in White, obviously. Harlan Pepper kills me.

That's a great pick. Great pick.

I, yeah.

You would have to move to Pine Nut, North Carolina. That's true.

The ventriloquist stuff is my least favorite of any of the prominent cast members.

What do we think like the rat lifts think of his accent? You know? Have the rat lifts ever made their way to the fishing hole in North Carolina? I have a lot of affection for Harlan Pepper for a couple reasons. One, again, like we're watching the swans scream and scare their dog and like Harlan Pepper... has such love in his heart for Hubert.

When we get to see the photo album full of the little baby puppy photos of Hubert, that's so cute. And he calls him, he doesn't just call him loyal, he calls him noble. I just love that.

Yes, I think no question. And that's kind of, I think, a necessary... So like how Rufus is still my screensaver? Yeah, buddy.

I had to try really hard to come up with a couple.

I got one.

Well, actually, two. I had the Harlan's ventriloquist act as one. Okay. This is so minor. I was really grasping for something here. But we have a couple interstitials with the Mayflower Brass, the aforementioned Mr. Milbank III. Graham Chisholm. Even though it's only a few total scenes, I don't want any time going to those characters. Yeah, that's fair. I think more time with the Fab Five.

The curtain raising and all that. That's kind of it, though. I would rather... The Taft Hotel stuff is all great. So I think there is value. You know, all of our time with with with hotel manager Schaefer is wonderful. I think there's value in being with somebody other than the dog handlers and owners. But like maybe give us the judge, give us a judge as a character.

You know, what does Everett Bainbridge actually think? That's kind of it, though. It's really hard to think of too many other things here.

That's my pick as well, but I think, again, not as a demerit because dialing it up to 99 on a word normally operating on a 1 to 10 scale is sort of the point of the swans.

I don't know, but I'd like it to. And it should be called Best in Blow. Not American Bitch. American Bitch, also a great, maybe it can be an entire franchise.

Breast and Show, also a great one. I think this is just proof that we need the porn parody. Best in Blow is, of course, a Philadelphia convention for oral sex. Why'd you say, of course?

I didn't know that. Or a sex technique. And the great news is, much like the Mayflower dog show, both of these can be in part about grooming. Grooming technique. And also, Cookie wins both. Cookie definitely wins both. No question.

Also strong.

Also strong.

The other thing would, of course, be flashbacks to all of Cookie's sexual exploits. Actually, I think that would have been great.

He can communicate telepathically. That is the most scene I've ever felt in a film when Harlan Pepper is just like, yeah, my dog can talk.

Scott and his kimonos.

Neither could we. Nope.

Yeah.

I was going to throw out Malcolm Stewart, who plays Malcolm, one of Cookie's many flings.

Like we have a conversation. Of course we have conversations.

Yeah.

That's the pick. Max Berman.

Don't forget that funny tape I told you about.

Yeah, he understands. He can communicate. He's trying to convey a deep, meaningful truth. That's how I feel about my cat, Halo. That's how you feel about your cat, Bug?

Sure, why not? Yeah, fuck. Yeah, let's go to Baltimore.

I don't know. There's no actual.

All right.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Oh, my God.

It would have been very, like a little moment like Hamilton talking about whether to change, you know, but he likes the way the- Oh, the Mock Turtle. Should he go to the Mock Turtle? But oh, this like burgundy really matches with the slacks. Like Will Feral would have made it.

I guess Westminster did not want them there. I guess they're like, because you're mocking us.

I know the Brandy Booth Award is not one of our categories today, but who would you have given it to? Best performance by a pet?

I will make the case here that it's Beatrice. Because that's the most range is required to play Beatrice.

Yeah. That's what dog shows are. Let your one bald dog be proud and free. Good Lord.

This is hard. This is hard.

Oh, yeah. I think so.

She's the mom in Beetlejuice. I was thinking about this because Schitt's Creek is one of my favorite recent shows in Home Alone.

Yeah, she just is... How many people can compete? After hours? Yeah. Geez.

Yes. White Lotus propelled her to a level of like rediscovered fame and relevance that I think is inarguable.

Yeah, I think so.

It has to be Glee. No question.

She is unbelievable in this, though. Yeah.

What about Eugene Levy? No, it's Schitt's Creek.

Or Splash. Oh, yeah. I just watch Splash all the time.

Yeah, yeah.

I wanted to ask you this.

Because you're a comedy expert.

You're welcome. Comedy ensemble cast?

Oh. What do you think? It's at least in the conversation. It's in the combo. It's in the top ten.

This is like when Amanda asked you about fictional movie houses.

Hanks.

He'd be a great Harlan Pepper. And I do think he could do Hamilton Swan.

Like dips her.

Yeah, that's a great one. I will posit that Harlan Pepper, of nut naming fame, does not name that many nuts.

But now you do that.

Well, that's the thing. Does it say hazelnut? No.

No, he does. He says peanut, hazelnut, cashew nut, macadamia nut, pine nut, pistachio nut, red pistachio nut, natural, all natural, white pistachio nut. Now, getting three pistachio nuts is impressive, but he leaves walnut on the table. No almond, no pecan, no Brazil nut, no chestnut. We're supposed to be impressed with this? Also, aren't pine nuts technically seeds?

You maintain an Instagram in the voice of your dog.

Yeah.

That's clear, yeah.

But you're right that there's no other voice in this scene.

That's a Marvel joke for you, Bill.

All right, so this is a big talking point.

No, Winky's a great dog. I won't have you dismiss Winky. I'm thinking from the story perspective, what do we think we're building toward? Hubert. We think we're building toward Hubert. Now, I think the reason I like the Winky choice ultimately is because the movie does such a good job of making clear that Hubert is the Doug of the future. Yeah.

He will come back and he will take Best in Show without question.

Craig, we almost made it through a whole podcast without Bill being mean to me about the Ravens. For no reason. Adam has suffered enough.

And that's why I think Winky is ultimately the choice. It's because it's just as much a cookie Jerry family victory as it is a Winky victory. And they're so happy they really need it. They were staying in the fucking utility closet.

Oh, my God. The roller coaster episode. The waitress episode. Oh, man.

Oh, man.

He's got two left feet, Jim. I'm sad that Chris is not here to do Romo as...

They've got all the terriers. He's got winky on his hat, which like that's a great hat.

I would really enjoy the version of this movie.

Set in Philadelphia, where Wayne Jenkins just takes the Amtrak up to Baltimore. And he's there with his Rottweiler. And he would get into the most memorable fight with Hamilton Swan.

Backstage. Can you imagine Wayne Jenkins having to escort Hamilton Swan out of the arena? I just think that would be an absolute thrill. Didn't know we were dealing with Super Handler.

You better go find Busy B right now.

Uh, we had a dog briefly when I was like very young. Um, but yeah, I love all animals. I'm not like a dog versus cat, but I am a, I am a cat lover.

I think screenplay has to be like ineligible though because of what we know about the improv. Best editing. Best editing.

Greg! Great call. That's a fucking good one, man. You're riding that Sean Baker high right now. I know you are. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I want to make the case for Catherine O'Hara. I think that what because there are so many extreme performances in the movie. I think she is actually doing something.

It's all relative, of course, but kind of understated compared to a lot of the other really heightened caricatures. And it is.

That would be the clip they play at the Oscars.

Please.

You can't do that Rewatchables without Juliet. She will never forgive you.

All I have to give, as you guys know, I have nothing left for anyone else in my life, including my husband. It all goes to Halo.

What a film. Great one. Who are you picking for your Oscar?

That's a crowded field right there.

Catherine O'Hara? The math I did with myself was Catherine O'Hara for Oscar, and not to spoil it, but Willard for who won the movie. Instead of the Oscar. The case for her is like... I do think you could argue Catherine O'Hara again for that and Parker Posey for that, honestly.

You guys get a little bit. Adam's got nothing.

Yeah.

It's one of your favorite baseball stats.

Boy, this is a fun one.

Yeah.

Yeah, they pick the dog that reminds them of them in the first place because people are inherently narcissistic. Correct.

Definitely.

Joanna was ready to just send a stray toward the schnauzer community.

Not a few. Yeah. I'd like to ask you for the Vegas odds. How heavy of a favorite was Rhapsody in White heading into this?

Whoa.

Minus 400.

Christy Cummings.

Heavy favorite. They're smoothing with the judges. That's my next unanswerable question. So Buck says, let me ask you this. Money ever exchange hands? Trevor's, of course.

offended and wounded by this yeah but we saw christy try to whine and dine yeah millbank so did money well they exchanged hands no because millbank was like holding the line but ever do you think christy ever well they throw the party every year which is oh yeah it is it is that's like a ten thousand dollar party with an ice thing yes um so did someone sabotage cookie with the carpet.

Did somebody put something down?

That fall comes out of nowhere.

All right. So you think that was pure, not sabotage. Great. Um, How many tapes did Jerry and Cookie sell? You think they're on anybody's Spotify raft in the future?

No, you don't think they made it big. Do you think Scott and Stefan made it big with the calendar business? Yes. I think so. I think that's a home run.

Oh my God. So they give you... The filter or the shell.

You can put your pets in the. Oh, my God. Yeah. That's a billion dollar idea right there. I'm sure it exists. If it doesn't get on it right after this. That's a great one. Did American Bitch last into the digital era?

That sounds great. Oh, my God. We talked about it already, but did Beatrice thrive without the Swans? I like to think she did. I like to think that Beatrice went on and lived a full life. Bill thinks she went to the farm. I don't like that. What was Cookie's actual number? That's my last one for unanswerable questions. She said hundreds. Hundreds. Do we think that's like... She said hundreds twice.

All right. If it's 75 a year for 15 years, that gets us to 1,000. And I love that for her. Good for her. She's living a great life, and I'm thrilled for her.

You never forget the best.

That's clear. Yeah.

Like a handler? Yeah.

Locked it down.

Yeah. Don't leave home without.

You can never pack too many kimonos. Correct. That's another life lesson. Yes. Certainly.

Yeah.

I like that. If we're allowed to mix movie and some TV, I would like to go from this right into a Schitt's Creek rewatch.

I can't decide between... I think it's Higgins. Higgins, Posey, O'Hara, and Willard. I just can't decide. They're all incredible.

Yeah. How wonderful. Well, I mean... Not the replacing the part. Not the rest of it. Bye, we got a dog.

Eugene Levy and Catherine O'Hara. Schitt's Creek is one of the most popular beloved shows of the last decade.

Okay. Yeah, when this movie came out. Everybody was a that guy in this movie. I don't know. But we are recording this podcast in 2025.

How dare you?

That would be great.