Vanessa Marin

Hey, I would like to feel close to you right now.

And one of my favorite techniques that Xander and I have actually been experimenting with a lot recently is we're separating the initiation from the actual sex.

So for a lot of women, and this is even true for me, I've experienced this a lot, when Xander initiates with me, it can often feel like a pop quiz in the moment.

It's like, oh, wait, wait, wait, you want to have sex right now?

I wasn't even thinking about sex right now.

So I feel caught off guard.

I feel like I'm already behind in a sense.

So it's very easy for me to give this knee jerk like, oh, no, I'm not turned on right now.

No, I don't want to.

But I really want people to get used to the idea that we don't have to be turned on in order to initiate or to say yes to sex.

But what we've started doing is like creating more space between that so that I don't get that pop quiz feeling.

So oftentimes we'll talk about it in the morning.

We'll say, hey, I would like to be intimate with you.

today, what does our schedule look like?

What would be the best time for that to happen?

If one person has way more on their plate than the other, like, hey, can I take this off your plate?

Maybe we can collaborate on this.

Maybe we can push that off till tomorrow.

So we're kind of like working together as a team to figure out when's the best time and the best way for us to be intimate.

So it makes it feel like it's a collaboration.