Vanessa Van Edwards

We just have a very narrow way to be. And like even sometimes like I do a lot of interviews and I'm on, you know, social media a lot. Even in my grid on Instagram, I am trying to balance this very narrow lane of warmth and competence. It's why I think so many like women, we feel like we have to share like our breakfast.

We just have a very narrow way to be. And like even sometimes like I do a lot of interviews and I'm on, you know, social media a lot. Even in my grid on Instagram, I am trying to balance this very narrow lane of warmth and competence. It's why I think so many like women, we feel like we have to share like our breakfast.

We feel like we have to share because we're like, I don't want to be too competent. I don't want to be too smart on that side. And so we also, we compensate or try to balance in the wrong ways. And so I would much rather you take control of your interactions, right? We talk about control. That's the way we do it is we know, okay, there's 97 cues. Here's warm ones. Here's competent ones.

We feel like we have to share because we're like, I don't want to be too competent. I don't want to be too smart on that side. And so we also, we compensate or try to balance in the wrong ways. And so I would much rather you take control of your interactions, right? We talk about control. That's the way we do it is we know, okay, there's 97 cues. Here's warm ones. Here's competent ones.

I'm going to choose my recipe, right? Like I look different than other women because I don't want to use all the same cues, but I need to find what's the recipe that I feel the most comfortable with. What's the flavor of charisma that I like the most that makes me feel like myself, right?

I'm going to choose my recipe, right? Like I look different than other women because I don't want to use all the same cues, but I need to find what's the recipe that I feel the most comfortable with. What's the flavor of charisma that I like the most that makes me feel like myself, right?

That's it.

That's it.

Yeah. And I look sometimes in my comments, I try not to read comments, but sometimes my comments, people say, you know, just show up as yourself. You know, this is, this is manipulative. This is engineering. And I'm like, yeah, because if you are lucky enough that you can show up and just be charismatic and win friends, amazing. I am so happy for you. But most of us don't have that privilege.

Yeah. And I look sometimes in my comments, I try not to read comments, but sometimes my comments, people say, you know, just show up as yourself. You know, this is, this is manipulative. This is engineering. And I'm like, yeah, because if you are lucky enough that you can show up and just be charismatic and win friends, amazing. I am so happy for you. But most of us don't have that privilege.

Like I do not. And so I think that, yeah, it is a little bit engineered in the sense of if you feel competent and you feel warm, you should know how to showcase that. I often felt warm and felt competent, but had no idea how to show it. And so I think that there is a rare bird of magic people and they are amazing and we can learn from them.

Like I do not. And so I think that, yeah, it is a little bit engineered in the sense of if you feel competent and you feel warm, you should know how to showcase that. I often felt warm and felt competent, but had no idea how to show it. And so I think that there is a rare bird of magic people and they are amazing and we can learn from them.

But for most of us, it's just dialing up our natural warmth and competence and just knowing how to show it.

But for most of us, it's just dialing up our natural warmth and competence and just knowing how to show it.

Oh, yes.

Oh, yes.

This is my greatest fear, by the way.

This is my greatest fear, by the way.

Like before I came out with cues, especially, I had like a life crisis because I started writing the book and I was like, oh no, like this could be used for evil. Yeah. And I had a whole thing with my publisher where I was like, I don't know if I should publish this. These are tools that people could use for bad. And she was like, yeah, but they could also be used for good.

Like before I came out with cues, especially, I had like a life crisis because I started writing the book and I was like, oh no, like this could be used for evil. Yeah. And I had a whole thing with my publisher where I was like, I don't know if I should publish this. These are tools that people could use for bad. And she was like, yeah, but they could also be used for good.