8am Hour - Crooked Dave Ryan
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What political ad bit are they planning for the show?
Oh, Dave?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, you wind it up. No, it's definitely Dave, because let me tell you something.
What?
Did I not predict when we were show planning yesterday that I would get a text from Dave asking him to remind him who he was in charge of for a political ad bit we're doing later?
I said, and I actually... God forbid I cover my bases.
I actually said to you, I said, Dave, were you listening? Yeah. Okay. Who are you doing your political ad with? I wanted to make sure. And then at 6.30 p.m., Jenny, who am I doing my political ad with?
That's exactly what happened.
So, yeah, I want to punch Dave.
Do you want to borrow my spatula? You look at my face. This is a very punchable face. It is. I got one of those faces that just says, you know what? I need good punching. Yeah, your face would, like, accept my knuckles into it, honestly. It's tempting, isn't it? It's tempting. Let me wind it up.
Okay.
Anyway, so there it is. You want to stir the pot. There it is. The pot is stirred. Punch him, Bailey.
Punch him, Bailey. Now Bailey and I have to go next.
Yes, so every day this week, y'all are responsible for starting the pot.
Okay.
Bailey, you go next tomorrow?
Bailey can go next. Okay. You saved me for Thursday. Sounds good.
All right. Dave starts the pot. I love it. All right, it is 101.3 KDWB, and we are about to do, because it is election day, there is a mayoral election in Minneapolis. Mm-hmm. Out in different areas, there's different things that you're voting on. Ours in Chan is like, I think, a school levy where they're going to give more money to more kids, something like that. And so we're doing a political ad here. I am running against Bailey J. Hess. Yep. And I have my political ad right now. Are you ready?
I'm ready.
Here we go. Bailey J. Hess is not qualified. Not only is she unqualified, she's downright dangerous. Sure, Bailey J. Hess claims she's compassionate, but she plans to kick you out of your house and turn it into a giant cat sanctuary. She chose her cat cap as her running mate and wants cats to roam free to claw up your furniture and make puking noises while you're trying to sleep. Bailey plans to shutter every hospital, turning them into theaters for bad productions of Little Shop of Horrors and Fiddler on the Roof, claiming that sick people don't need doctors, they need an amateurish version of South Pacific. Bailey J. Hess, a woman with no middle name, just an initial. Can you trust anyone? With an initial for a middle name.
Bailey hasn't felt the touch of a man since the Jesse James Days guy. And spends her evening romancing a mannequin she stole from Macy's. Bailey J. Hess. Good news for cats and bad theater. Bad news for Minnesota. Wow. That sounds like a great platform I'm running.
Honestly, cats in theater? He's my running mate.
What happened during the Grand Rapids hookup weekend?
Put him in a little suit? That'd be so cute. All right.
Can I go next?
Vaughn is going next. Who did he run against? Jenny. Vaughn's running against Jenny? Okay, here we go.
If you're looking for a dignified, friendly, independent, and reliable individual to take office, look anywhere else except at Jenny Lutenberger. To be honest, you probably can't even look at her because she's dropping a bomb in the bathroom right now. Ha ha! Her skills, air quotes around skills, include guessing the weather while admitting she's not sure and just hopes, stealing unicycles from little kids and offering them double shots of fireball whenever they cry about it after. We want a leader in office who's not afraid to face the real issues.
How can we trust Jenny to do that when she avoids watching horror movies rated PG-13? Sure, Jenny has... What? I said that's scary. Jenny has great organizational skills, sure, but how will that help when people are suffering from the government shutdown and all she's organizing is her next cross-country van trip?
Do not vote for Jenny Lutenberger this election season. I'm Vontavious Carlique, and I approve this message.
Nice. That was good. Yeah, I forgot the tagline, I approve this message. That makes it official. Who's going next?
I can go next.
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Chapters
8 chapters
1
What political ad bit are they planning for the show?
0:00–3:01
2
What happened during the Grand Rapids hookup weekend?
3:01–4:11
3
How does the political ad for Bailey J. Hess portray her?
4:11–8:00
4
What are the claims made against Jenny Lutenberger in her political ad?
8:00–10:19
5
What humorous moments arise during the political ad discussions?
10:19–15:35
6
What updates are there about the Grand Rapids hookup girl?
15:35–21:53
7
How do the hosts feel about the teacher's dress code controversy?
21:53–28:33
8
What new shows and movies are being discussed towards the end?
28:33–37:51