Chapter 1: What is discussed at the start of this section?
Well, let's check out the best of Beat It Out with Jay Moore and Dustin Ybarra. Very funny. And you can check us out also on Substack. BetOnline. Hey, it's Adam Carolla from The Adam Carolla Show. Football season is in full swing, and there's no better place to go. Get in on the action, then bet online. Your number one source for all things football.
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When we left for the winter vacation, I thought we would go by car first. But then we went by train and dad drove our car there. We stayed there in the train all night. The sleeping car was really nice, except I wanted to sleep upstairs. But my sister went there when she was older. And in the morning, when I woke up, we were together. Freedom travels on rails. VR. On a joint journey.
How do you take a joke from the page to the stage? Adam Carolla and Jay Moore beat it out.
There's lots of discussion after the assassination of Charlie Kirk about will these guys be able to play outdoor venues anymore? Could Ben Shapiro go to a college campus and play an outdoor venue? I speak very high and very fast. Ben Shapiro. Would he be in danger? I don't think... What a conversation.
It would be... It's amazing.
I know. It's sad. But it wouldn't be prudent for Ben Shapiro, and there's handfuls of others, to go onto a college campus. Well, he's got the double whammy being right-wing and Jewish. Right. So that's two reasons to get shot in today's society. So... OK, so then the other people say, well, you got to carry on and you can't back down to the fear and so on and so forth.
But then you have a realistic I mean, should Trump speak outdoors anymore? Should should should J.D. Vance should. Or any prominent politician. And you could make an argument that no. I mean, Trump got out there, had that guy up on the roof and got shot in the ear. And, you know, Charlie Kirk, we all heard what happened to him. But it sounds like the problem is roofs. It is.
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Chapter 2: How does the discussion about outdoor venues and safety concerns unfold?
All right. They'll get a stick, and they'll push it through the hole in the tube, and they'll push the grub out the other side, and they'll eat it. They stack. There's tons of footage of... It's crows, like, stacking up blocks and putting them, put the square peg in the round hole in the round hole. They solve puzzles. They use tools.
You might be the only one that's ever seen this footage, but I'm listening. How dare you? How dare you? You're on a roll. Keep going. It's all over the internet. Also, crows are wildly loyal. If a young girl helps a crow or saves a crow, if you befriend a crow, they will bring you trinkets. If they'll go out, they'll find jewelry or ring or anything shiny. This guy trained a crow to find cash.
The guy comes back with cash that people drop getting into the subway or on the park or whatever that is. They train crows to pick up cigarette butts at the park, clean them up, drop them off in a thing. When they drop them off in a thing, they get a kernel of corn. Crows are loyal. You befriend them. There's stories of little girls saving a little baby crow. She's walking to school.
The bully starts harassing her. The crow slides in and fucks up the bully. That's what crows do. Super loyal. When they do studies on crows in Stanford, they have to wear masks. The scientists have to wear masks to collect the eggs of the crows. Because? Because the crows not only recognize the face of the scientists who took their eggs, but they...
spread it through the crow community, and the other crows understand, and then at the end of the day, when this scientist walks out into the parking lot to get in his car, he gets attacked. Oh, that's that motherfucker that stole my ass. That's what crows sound like.
Yeah, get his ass, punk-ass Mark.
Right, so they go after him. All right, so crows are super smart.
You know the crows are outside?
Yeah. West side, east side, they're outside? Outside. Outside. They're loyal. They can use tools. Recognizing faces is great for when you check in to the event.
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Chapter 3: What arguments are made regarding the use of animals for security?
Now, people say, well, then what about if you have snipers on the roof who are law enforcement, you know? Dress them like crows. No, no. Oh. I mean, I like where your head's at. Thanks, buddy. I would argue we're not going to need those guys on the roof if we got the crow. The crow's unlimited. It's not like 10 stories, five stories. Oh, the pitch is too steep for the guard to get up on there.
No, they don't care about pitch. They don't care about height. They don't care about any of that shit. They'll hit anyone who's on the roof. But you want to keep going. I'm going to keep going here. I could train this crow. The crow recognizes faces, right? The crow would know. The crow knows when the girls walk into school.
The crow knows the difference between his friend and the bully and attacks the bully, right? The crow, we could train. You could get like a baseball cap that just had like a rainbow tape diamond on top of it. And if you're in secret service or you work for government or you're in law enforcement, you put the hat on with the rainbow tape diamond, the crow won't fuck with you.
You could walk around. You could get up on the roof. The crow knows do not fuck with the diamond guy. You can teach them all this shit. Where's my crow videos, Andrew? Or is this screen down here not on? Oh, maybe that's it.
Here we go.
Here comes the man with the crow. And you can find them using tools. You can find them returning cash. You can find them protecting kids. You can find them singing when a Russian guy's playing the flute. Good-looking crow. Yeah, they're all good-looking. Cigarette butt. Cork filter. Got me. You never know what's going to get me. They use... They use crows to do stuff.
By the way, it's not even abuse of the crow. He trained them to pick up cigarette butts. I wish we had a video that had...
that had this gives a positive spin on the expression bird brain that's right all right well maybe there's one where people talk andrew call me uh you know i like the reading part but um all right they use tools they recognize people they're fucking mean as hell yeah i've seen them fuck up hawks a crow comes at your head there's nothing you can do when like two crows tell a hawk to get fucked oh
They'll go after like only one will go after like an eagle and shit. And it's not just assassins roof speaking outdoor engagements. When there's a fucking criminal at the end of the street and he's holding a machete and he's swinging it around and the cops are around. Send in the crow. Gold in my ear once said send in the crows. Right.
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Chapter 4: How does the conversation shift to the topic of crows and their intelligence?
Oh, Jesus Christ. That's creepy. Yeah, so. I'm going to keep a crow on my nightstand. But Scalise, who got shot up at the baseball game several years ago. Yeah, crow would have fixed that. We use dogs liberally. By the way. Let's just say the crow, let's just say the machete-wielding maniac was attacked by the crow or multiple crows and somehow swung and got one of them with the thing.
Yeah, okay.
What's a greater loss, a crow or a German shepherd? Because German shepherds get shot all the time, and they go after the crazed guy who's running from the cops or whatever. German shepherd's a big, beautiful, smart dog. Crows are ubiquitous. They're a dime a dozen. They're mean, and they're black.
Yeah, but after what you said, it seems like the crow is a much more valuable loss.
I never saw a German shepherd picking up cigarette butts. The crow is... The crow, there's many more of them. Yeah. And your kid wouldn't snuggle with them at night.
Crows don't shed. Crow's hips don't go bad.
You don't have to clean up their shit everywhere. Right. Like a German shepherd. What's it, by the way, what's it cost? In a canine unit, like in New York, I'll bet you one of those fucking German shepherds costs 65 grand a year to keep groomed and kept after and taken care of and trained and all that. I mean, that's an expensive item right there. Probably gets paid more than a school teacher.
And he's always ranked higher than his handler, so the handler has an obligation to protect it. And that's a bit I did when I performed for the military. I'm like, in the Navy, the dog has a higher, you know, ranking. So the Navy's the only place you ever could see your superior officer lick his balls.
And they were like, ah, but you got to wear clean in front of the family. We got a vid of what a crow doing. It's a nice little yard, upstate New York looking.
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Chapter 5: What humorous comparisons are made about banana bread?
It's wrapped in saran wrap all tight, like a kilo of heroin. It's always got that tightness to it.
Dropped off a ship outside of Florida. Trump took out the ship that dropped it off. We fished it out of the water.
We fished it out of the water and I wanted to give it.
Chapter 6: What insights are shared about the nature of banana bread?
It shows up like a brick of cocaine. You're right.
It always shows up like a brick of cocaine. Right. And they never, no one asked if you want banana bread. No. They just show up with banana bread.
Right.
They never call you and say, hey, Adam, would you like some banana bread?
And it's really banana cake because like calorically, there's more calories in your bread than there is in a slice of chocolate cake.
It's sugar. It's some vanilla and bananas and I think flour maybe. Brown bananas. Yeah. Brown sugar. And then so I was thinking about this whole banana bread thing. There's just so many. It's just such a weird thing because I don't know. You can't. Can you buy banana bread? I'm convinced. Well, it's difficult. Like at the store. You can't go to Ralph's and get some.
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Chapter 7: How does the conversation shift to personal anecdotes?
I am convinced that banana bread would be called banana cake if it wasn't for the alliteration. Like we like the B and the B. You know what I mean? That's very true. Which is also why I don't like when people go, I was couch surfing because I'm like, it should be sofa surfing because it's S and an S. Oh, yeah. Banana bread, sofa surfing. Like, what were you doing?
When I was poor, I was sofa surfing, living off of banana bread at Dustin's place. At Dirty Dustin's. Yeah. Well, first off, no one's ever ate banana bread and went, oh, this is horrible banana bread. It's all the same. It is. It's all the same banana bread. You can't fuck up banana bread.
If anyone ever says that this is the best banana bread you'll ever have, it's like, no, this is the equivalent of every banana bread.
There's no highs. There's no lows.
No, it's... It's just one big middle. Banana bread. So I started asking the audience, I was like, what... what's your favorite type of bread? And then someone said zucchini bread. And I guess you can just make bread out of anything. Any vegetable or fruit.
What we do is we go, look, everyone loves cupcakes, right? They go, yeah, but I really can't justify eating a cupcake for breakfast. Okay, what else do you like? You like muffins? Yeah, what's a muffin? It's basically a cupcake, but you can eat it for breakfast.
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Chapter 8: What is the significance of the piano tuning discussion?
It's like... Yeah, I'm going to have a Bloody Mary with some muffins. I'm drinking and eating cake for breakfast, but we've invented things to get around that. Oh, yeah. It's a nice loophole. It's basically like when they say, I donated my eggs when I was in. You donated or you sold for $40,000? Because that doesn't sound like donations. Donate is when you give people shit.
If you took your sweater down to the Goodwill and said, I'll give you this sweater, but give me $28,000. I wish you could do that. You would not be donating your shit to the Goodwill. But you don't like the sound of selling your eggs. No. God, if I had eggs, I'd fucking sell them. I'd put them in a wrist rocket and fire them in a bank and get money. That's how I would earn.
All right, so I still got banana bread. So banana bread. Banana bread, zucchini bread. Zucchini bread is just... Everything that's in a cake with a little ground up fucking zucchini. Zucchini, right? Yeah, that's not zucchini.
And then I was thinking about all the, there's a lot of breads out there. What's your favorite bread, Adam?
Well, I'm partial to lemon. I think quietly there's like a lemon cake. Oh, lemon cake is good. I know what you're talking about. They have bricks of lemon cake that are exactly the same as banana bread. And that's my argument for you need to call it fucking banana cake.
You don't call it lemon bread. Lemon bread is weird.
Yeah, that sounds weird. So lemon is good. Surprisingly, and I don't know how this works with the muffin, the poppy seed. There's something strangely alluring about the poppy seed, which is good.
What does poppy taste like?
Banana you can't go wrong with. Yeah. Don't do poppy, you'll test positive. You will, right? You've got to piss every week, right? That's weird.
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