Chapter 1: What is discussed at the start of this section?
In this episode, very funny comedian Pete Holmes, plus the news right after this. Hey, this is Adam Carolla from The Adam Carolla Show. Wow. If you care about predictions, then you care about props. And when March Madness tips off, the props tell the real story. From buzzer beaters to bracket busters, nobody does tournament props like BetOnline.
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The game starts here. With movies like Titanic, Dreamgirls, and Gladiator. Why you not entertained? And TV shows like Survivor, SpongeBob SquarePants, The Fairly OddParents, and Ghosts. Pluto TV is always free. Huzzah! Pluto TV. Stream now. Pay never. From Corolla One Studios in Glendale, California, this is The Adam Corolla Show.
Adam's guest today, Pete Holmes.
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Chapter 2: How does BetOnline enhance the March Madness experience?
Plus the news with me, Mike Dawson. And now, Adam Corolla. Yeah, get it on. Got to get it on. No choice but get it on. Mandate you get it on. Pete Holmes back, everybody. Get it on. You got to get it on. There's a mandate to get it on. That just sounded fun to say. Thanks for having me, Adam. Always good to see Pete Holmes. Watched the whole stand-up special. You did not.
I watched the whole thing. And you know... I can't believe it. It was very funny. Thank you. Pete is... When you're a comedian, you understand more about comedy than most folk who go to a comedy club because you are a comedian yourself. Yeah, you're part of it. As in any profession works that way. Yes, that's right.
When lawyers watch a movie about lawyers, they go, he would never, no, that guy, no, you don't take a deposition. It's like, we don't call it hog. You know what I mean? There would be a million things wrong if you or I wrote a movie about butchers. I was... The only thing I have an expertise in is in cars and in building. And it ruins every movie because, like, at some point... F1?
Oh, well, F1... Yeah, but there's a part at the end of F1 with Brad Pitt. I wouldn't know. I didn't make it. Where he's, like, driving his van through the Baja Desert, and there's, like, a wanted driver for the Baja 5000, you know, and he pulls it off, and he pulls up to a poor Mexican family with a sand rail or a dune buggy or a trophy truck, and he goes, you need a driver?
And they're like, yes, senor, you drive. Because that's how it goes. Yeah. People don't recruit guys to drive their trophy truck. That's how you book corporates now.
Yeah, you just put the thing on a telephone pole. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That's how they find comedians as well. All right, that bothered me. I'll tell you what always bothers me, too. Whenever they use the nail gun as a weapon, and like lethal weapon, they'll pick it up on the job site and fire it. But you can't. There's a safety. You've got to depress it. You can't just pick up a nail gun and fire it at you. I didn't know that.
No, I know that because when I used to fire at people, I'd have to hold the safety in with the other hand. Which was really annoying.
Yeah. Because usually that's where you hold their throat.
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Chapter 3: What insights does Pete Holmes share about comedy?
We're hearkening. Now you're going to the Adam Carolla show. He's hearkening. He's reminiscing, hearkening. Go. It's a Q-tip joke where they go, here's a Q-tip, but don't put it in your ear. Yes. Right. Which was an observation I made on stage the first time in, I think, 2004. And then I sat on it for two decades and I was like, I'm going back. It's interesting.
It always reminded me of, there was a army surplus store in my neighborhood. You kids will never know the smell of an army surplus store. It's like a gas mask. Vulcanized rubber meets like some sort of deer repellent meets failure. And a little homophobia. A little homophobia. Just a whiff of homophobia. Yeah, and like this sort of a Korean conflict, a dusting of Korean conflict.
Is there something Korean conflict in here? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a weird place, but as soon as you walk in, like as a matter of fact, all you young people, you don't remember that stores had their own smell. Yeah, that's right. The army surplus had a smell. The hobby shop had its own smell. Target worked really hard to have no smell. Right. That was like their way. There's no smell anymore.
If you blindfolded me and took me to a Target, no way. Or I could take you anywhere and there is any chain. There's just no smell. Yeah, that's right. But places... Used to have smells.
They had smells.
Like fingerprints. Yeah, because also the businesses were weird. Some of them had a cat. Of course. Like the cat would just be walking around the business.
I can't leave them at home all day. Yeah.
I could tell by smell the difference between a CVS in the 90s and a Walgreens in the 90s.
Really?
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Chapter 4: How does Pete Holmes describe his approach to performing?
COD, cash on delivery. You pay when it gets there. You order stuff. By the way, could you imagine today, like, allow seven to 26 weeks for delivery? I was just gonna say that. Like, it's insane, right? It was six to eight weeks.
Everything. Back of the comic books. Yes.
What was X-ray specs? I was dumb enough and young enough to think, because remember the ad? Different time. You put on the x-ray specs, and it was the guy looking through his hand. Yes. And looking through a woman's dress.
Yes.
It was just like, here. Yes. We know what you want. Yeah, yeah, yeah. See it all. Yeah. And I ordered it six to eight, and that means eight to ten. Yes. You'd wait ten weeks. Ten weeks. I have a kid now, if it's not primed, she's like, where the hell is it? No, I know. And back to the nostalgic days of the store, the hardware store, or I should say the Army surplus store.
Stuff was not open on Sunday. Yeah. You were screwed. You had to do your own thing on Sunday. Or if you remember, people would take money out of the bank on Friday. And if you didn't, you just didn't have any money. Did your parents have a job where there was money? In the house? Yeah, like I'll give you an example. Yeah. My buddy Ray. Sorry, I have to do this, Adam. I'm sponsored by Bubbly.
My buddy Ray. That's better than LaCroix. They lived in apartments. They had no money. Yes. His adult middle-aged mom was a cocktail waitress. And so she had handfuls of cash. Cash rich. Cash rich. And so it wasn't a big deal. Like if Ray would go, could I have five bucks? You got it. And she'd just throw him five bucks. So she just had a ball. She'd come home with a ball.
My dad and mom, zero money, no ATM, no credit cards, no cash. There was never, couldn't buy stuff. No, my dad, it's one of the, I used to think, I still think it's really cool. My dad is like a flash money guy. You'll like this as a car person. There was something wrong with the car. We brought it to a body shop and they were like, we can't take it. And my dad, he did it in front of me.
He had like a couple of hundreds at the end of his like dad wad. And that's like a pocket fold. And he's showing the hundred. He's like, are you sure there isn't? I think I saw him bribe the guy. What's your dad do? He was a home heating oil delivery guy who bought some properties. So he was a landlord and he still delivers oil. Really? Yeah. Is he driving a truck? He is. Wow.
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Chapter 5: What humorous thoughts does Pete Holmes share about housekeepers?
That's right. I like golden showers. That's right. It's a wonderful thing when a man's dehydrated and you're dirty. And you want to get clean, but also filthy. Listen, I'll think about it at home. Doggy style day afternoon, am I right? All right, Pete Holmes, let me ask you a question. I love that my Pacino, I think my Pacino comes up every time I do the show because I got the headphones.
That's what I like to do.
You can hear you. It's good to be here. Elocution. Do you guys, at your home, do you have a maid that shows up every two weeks or whatever that is? We have housekeepers, yeah.
Chapter 6: How does Pete Holmes feel about hotel bills?
And they show up every couple weeks? Once a week. Once a week? Once a week. Also, it's pretty crazy how expensive they are, right? I'm embarrassed to say this is my I don't know what a gallon of milk costs. I don't know what the housekeeper's costs. That's a better life. My strategy, maybe this is awful. Maybe this is how you know I'm destined for a horrible, destitute future.
I don't like to know. When I sign out of a hotel, especially on a vacation, and they're like, do you want to see the itemized bill? I'm like... Eat fucking shit. I just relax.
Chapter 7: What are the comedic insights on maid services and personal space?
You think I want to sign away some horrible, oh, your waters are $12? I want to enjoy my vacation. I'm going to pay it either way. Ignorance is bliss. Ignorance is bliss. I 100% agree. It's the way I do. I'm glad. I do too. You're gonna pay it. So you can worry about it or not worry about it. You're still gonna pay it. But I don't know what they cost.
Does the maid do stuff you don't want them to do? Like, I'll give you an example.
Chapter 8: What controversial topics does Pete Holmes address in the news?
All right, so here's my thing. I think about you every time there's dog turds that people drop in my garbage can, because that's what we didn't like last time we were here.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Because they get all cooked. Here's the thing. Maids should do the stuff you don't want to do. Yes, I think maid is to assistant as secretary is to housekeeper. Right. But keep calling them maids. All right. Yeah, OK. I had a stewardess, colored lady. Yeah, these are the terms. Yeah, yeah. He had his secretary call my stewardess. My stewardess was mulatto on my last flight.
So, or Eskimo, I can't remember. All right. We'll call them. You pulled like five good ones. First off, thank you. Yeah. The sanitizing of the terms, you know what I mean? Like when you're a garbage man and someone goes, you know, technician or something.
Sandwich artist. Right, right.
Yeah, okay. Just hurry up over at the Quiznos, would you please? Well, that was always funny. I went to like a Jimmy John's and they had a help wanted thing in the front and it said rock stars wanted. And I was like, you're making sandwiches for girls volleyball teams on a Saturday. You're not... You're not Slash. Take it easy.
But anyway, anytime you wear gloves that aren't even surgical gloves, they're just baggies with finger holes in them, you are not a rock star. That's fair. If you're putting on baggy gloves. Yeah, if you're giving me a little cup for a Peppercino. Right. So here's my thing. I want the maid to vacuum and clean the toilet, clean the sink, and just basically do the stuff I don't want to do.
Putting the remote away for the TV set that's on the coffee table where I can't find it is not part of your job. And I don't need it. I don't need you taking it and putting it in the drawer that's next to the TV. Do they make your bed? I guess, but I can't say for sure.
It's hard to know. You're like, somebody made my bed.
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