Chapter 1: What is the main theme of this episode with Mel Giedroyc?
Welcome to my travel podcast, Life's a Beach. Every week I invite a special guest to take us on a journey together to their favourite holiday destinations and to reveal their top travel tips and tales.
I've been in love with this guest forever.
Mel and Sue, the great British make-off, unforgivable, but it was when I was stuck with her in the Last One Laughing studio for Prime, trying my hardest not to giggle, that I became infatuated. She's taken over the reins of the podcast.
Where there's a will, there's a way. And I'm here for it. Stow away that hand luggage. Scan your boarding pass. It's Mel Skidroy! This is the final boarding call for Mel Goodroyd. This is the final boarding call for Mel Goodroyd. Mel Goodroyd, can you please make your way to the gate? This is the final boarding call. Final boarding call, Mel. Mel Goodroyd.
Goodroyd, Mel Goodroyd, can you please make your way to the gate? Please, please, please make your way to the gate. Mel!
Mel!
Thank you.
Oh, look who we've got on board. It's Mel Goodroyd. How you doing, Mel? Hello, darling. Oh, last time we were in the sky. We were in the sky on a little plane. You were doing a loop-the-loop. What was the name of the lovely RAF guy that I was with? That is awful.
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Chapter 2: What memorable travel stories does Mel share?
I want to call him Meaty, but it wasn't. No, no, no. What was his name? Meaty. Meats. Meats. Was it Meats? Fresh Meats. Fresh Meats. Cooked Meats. Fresh Meats. What was yours called? I can't remember. Well, I was so in a state of panic that... I just didn't. It was terrifying. Basically, I'm doing a show, don't we, with Prime Video. It's about bucket lists. And Mel very kindly came along.
I was delighted. And we did the loop in an old plane, didn't we? An old fighter plane. And it was amazing. And I just worry because your jaw had a lot of action in Last One Laughing, but also the G-force was pushing your jaw back. It's the hardest working jaw in showbiz. It hasn't recovered. I'm not even joking. I've got to... I mean, honestly. I've looked online.
There is a guy who's a jaw specialist. You need to get that done. I'm in touch with his PA. I'm going to go and see him because that has not come back. No. It's still... Yeah. It was 14 hours. I know. What's the opposite of resting bitch face? It's like it's... Yeah.
Chapter 3: How does Mel describe her experience on a loop-the-loop plane?
Just like that. Because I was like Linda Robson, weren't I? Oh, you... Oh, that was... Sorry. That was so... That brings it all back when you do that face. And didn't you feel like the unfunniest person in Ruddy Showbiz? Well, yeah. Didn't you? It was weird. I rang my agent up. I said, this is going to be a turkey. Yeah. No one's laughing. And then, of course, I watch it. It's hysterical.
Aren't you pleased it's gone down so well? Because I thought... I know. I thought that was it. No one wants to be in that series, which everyone loved the first one. Yeah. And then we come out. We're in the... We're like who? We're in the tanker. You just went and pulled funny faces for like... I didn't... I didn't... I didn't see it. I didn't see it. No, I didn't see it. I can't.
It's like a dog going back to its own vomit. Do you know what I mean? I can't go back to the scene of the crime. Put that on the poster. That's good. I can't. It'll be over the moon, Amazon Prime. No, but it's always lovely when you get people sending you nice messages. Oh, my God. Bring those in. What about my mum? Wait till my mum said about you and me. Well, I said, Mel's coming on me podcast.
Well, you two were smiling and they let you off. You two should have been out for episode one. I'm like, this is my own mum. I saw you smirking. Did she? Yes, and that Mel, she said, even though she was doing that, I could still see her smiling. Do you think we got away with it? I don't remember smiling. My own mother thinks I should have. Was I out first? No. I was out first, wasn't I?
No, it was... Was it Amy? Was it Gledders? Was Gledders first? It's a cheese sensation, isn't it? Cheese dream, that whole thing. I've got no idea what happened. But I started hitting the Bacardi a few hours in. Yeah, I mean, you were, I was so pleased. You were like, oh, can we have some rosé, please? Yeah, please. We need some rosé, because it was intense.
And that strip lighting as well kept changing. I was starting to get a migraine, Al. Really? The air, that was flickering. Well, I mean, I think the tightness of the jaw was probably not helping. Well, Mortimer was doing a jaw thing as well, wasn't he? He was doing more like a little sort of doggy underbite vibes.
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Chapter 4: What are some of Mel's top travel tips?
Yeah. He was like that, wasn't he? It was very strange, but a lot of fun. I'm glad everyone liked it and stuff. Yeah. And then also with the Bucket List show, which I think is coming out later in the year. They're editing it at the minute. That was so... I loved the whole day spending it with you. It was so much fun. Do you remember that bit at the end? That bit at the end was really good.
With the pub. Are you allowed to say? No. Well, I said they can say. So it's all about bucket lists and Mel's bucket list. Tell them what was on your bucket list. So my bucket list was, it was the... You know what you see in films? Yes. When you go into the pub. Yes. Thank you. Reminding me. When you go into a bar slash pub and you just go, the drinks are on me.
So we turned into this random pub. No one knew we were there. Yeah. And then we just went through the door and Mel goes, drinks are on me. Everyone was like. It went well, didn't it? They took the piss. Yeah, they did. They were quite, they were. People going up for seconds. I'm like, oh, come on. You're clearly taking the piss. This woman necks like a whole fucking massive glass of rosé.
Another one, please. Mel's paying. Stick it on her tab. It was so good. But embarrassingly, I had a sort of showbiz credit card, you know, to put through and I didn't know the pin. That was a bit of a moment. I can't wait for people to see. And the bill was big. It was a big bill. Oh, it was so fun. What a fun day. I love working with you. Well, no, me too, you. It's incredible.
And listen, I was on Where There's a Will, There's a Way with Cathy. I want to come on with you. Can I come back on? Yeah, please do, Al. Was yours the kimono in the shredder? Yes. Was that the one, your death? You said it was like... How did you describe it?
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Chapter 5: How does Mel feel about her bucket list adventures?
It was so funny. Well, I feel I've got this premonition that I am going to die in a weird way that I think... Do you remember Rod Hall when he was on the roof changing the aerial and then he fell off?
Yeah.
I feel like, you know, Mama Cass choking on the sandwich, even though she didn't, that was a lie. Oh, does she not? No, no. Her publicist made that up to make up a story. Are you kidding? Yeah. It was supposed to be like a ham sandwich or something, wasn't it? She never. I mean, when I die, my PR don't go, oh, the fat bastard choked on a Toblerone or something.
That's her own PR, spreading malicious lies. How horrible. She was a larger lady anyway, so it's a bit mean, isn't it? Yes, it is a bit mean. Yeah. So I just feel something weird's going to happen, like I'll be impaled on a Christmas tree or something will happen. That's what I feel, and I feel in pub quizzes. Which camp TV funny man died? Oh, ow. I do. It's a premonition.
Let's not even think about that. But the kimono in the shredder. Yeah. Absolutely. Well, yeah. I think that's what I must have said. It got like that. Something weird like that. Sort of like, was it Isadora Duncan? The scarf. Scarf in the wheel of the car. Yes, broke her neck like that. Yeah, well, now I'm doubting that. Maybe she didn't die like that either. Oh, yeah. Suspicious. Yeah.
But no, it's... How do you want to go? Oh. I... Oh, do you know what? Do you know... Jaw snapping. Yeah, jaw related. Jaw related. Her own jaw ate her. Jaw ate it, yes. It became so big from the muscle. It just sort of enveloped her from the bottom upwards. It went all the way around her head. She ate her own head. Yeah. It's very common. But you know what?
Because I listen to, was it Joel Dommert? I love Joel Dommert. I quite fancy Joel Dommert. I do as well. I'm going to say that.
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Chapter 6: What humorous encounters does Mel recall from her travels?
He's such a kind man. He's lovely, isn't he? He's a really, really lovely bloke. And he came on Where There's a Will, There's a Wake, which is the podcast that I do, which comes out every Tuesday. Which I'm going to go back on. Which you're going to come back on. Yeah. Would you like to do it with somebody else? Because we're thinking we might get... Oh, sorry.
Sorry if the name Alan Carr isn't enough. Oh, no, Al. Wow. No, the only reason I'm saying that is... Maybe I'll bring Adele along. Is that big enough for you? This is finished. No, Al, the only reason I say that is because... You're boring. No! LAUGHTER Anyone else you can bring? Could you bring someone else? How will I feel? Terrible. No, I know what you mean.
I've been on it when I've talked about death. No, no. And you only have one death. No, that's the thing. We're thinking, because we really want people to come back on, but in a sort of gear-shifty change of the format, we'd love them to come on with a pal. What about like Amanda Holden? Yes! That kind of thing. Exactly. So, look, if you're up for that... Yes. Then please. I'll open my dress book.
Yeah. I'll get a mate along. One friend. Yeah, one friend. Does that mean a celebrity friend or could it just be like... Whoever you want, my love. Honestly. Okay. Whoever you want. I hope that's gone well. I'm worried that that hasn't gone well as a pitch. We'll find out later. No, no. Listen, we have to talk about travel. Yes.
And I noticed with Michelle Wolfe, you said you'd never been to California and you want to go to San Francisco. And you asked, do they all roller skate there? I feel like you've got quite a weird idea. Don't you imagine them all? You've probably been to San Fran, haven't you? I have. Oh, my God. Is it amazing? It's sort of... Or is it all Silicon Valley now? Well, it's all got a bit grim. Has it?
Yeah, I hate to say it, it's got a bit grim. I mean, it's just all the drugs. Oh, is that it? When I was there, someone set fire to one of those self-driving cars because they thought it was witchcraft. So, yeah, that's just a little snapshot. But, I mean, I love the Golden Gate. But, you know, my favourite film, Vertigo, by Alfred Hitchcock. Yeah. You know, and that's all round there.
So, you go to the Golden Gate. There's still, what's it, the Museum of Bow Arts.
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Chapter 7: How does Mel reflect on her childhood holidays?
Okay. That's lovely. You'd love it. You'd love it. Because I'm seeing it in my mind's eye as...
kind of 70s and everyone's like hey cool daddy-o and you're on your skates and yeah me too let's go let's go have a milkshake on skates that kind of vibe you need to get a time machine instead of a plane i don't think it's like that alcatraz is fun the prison no the gay club yes the the world famous prison I was thinking Count of Monte Cristo was locked in Alcatraz for bloody years. No, no, no.
But you go into Alcatraz, get the audio thing, and it tells you people's story. A man lasted 14 days in, what's it called? What? Isolation. Isolation. Complete pitch black. And when he said he'd pull a button off and he'd throw the button and then he'd try and find it as a game to stop him from going insane. Oh, my God. And then one of them put a papier-mâché head in the bed and escaped.
And actually, yes, yeah. And do you know what? Its jaw was like the one you pulled on LOL. It was like that. What, the papier-mâché? I looked at it, it's like, Mel, what are you doing in this... Why are you in prison, Mel? No, honestly, it was a spit and dip. Was it? Yeah. Paper mache. Why? I wonder why. Yeah, but put it in there and then the man fought him. Oh, he's asleep.
And then sneaked out and swam across. But they don't know whether they survived because of the sharks. Yeah. Go on, promise. Go to San Francisco. If you're going to San Francisco, be sure to wear. Some flowers in your hair. Yes. Yes. Yes. OK. Where did you holiday as a child? The Lake District. Nice. Kendall? Notters Glam. Oh. North of... Yeah, it's the Northern Lakes, Ullswater.
Ullswater, nice. Pooley Bridge, to be precise. Do you know, I've never been to Kendal. You've never been to Kendal? And I've been to the Lake District for 57 years, pretty much, on the trot every year. You know, Kendal, everyone's on roller skates. Are they? Yeah, it's like the 70s. Do you like the mint cake? I can feel it rotting my teeth. It's too much, isn't it? Do you remember Caramax? Yes.
You'd have a Caramax and then you'd look in the mirror, black stumps. Tudor, Tudor. Yeah, I looked Queen Elizabeth I. Yeah, honestly. I'm like, this is rotting my teeth. Yes.
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Chapter 8: What unexpected celebrity encounter did Mel have while traveling?
Kendal mint cake similarly. And they do a brown kendal mint cake. Oh, no, no, no. But to sort of con you into thinking, oh, it might be a bit healthy. It's not. No. It's really not. Yeah, I can feel my teeth, my enamel melting. Yeah. Yeah. No, it's the lakes for me. Every ruddy time. It's my ruddy, it's my go-to. It's where I'd like my ashes dispersed. Oh, right. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I love the lakes. I feel myself in the lakes. Not literally. I feel... What you do in your own time is... I feel myself in holes water. It's just something, it's so wholesome and it's so to do with my sort of family. And it's also, did you just yawn there now? Were you just? I did not. Oh, I thought you did. I thought I saw one of these. No. You know when you're.
Don't you come for me about pulling silly faces, love. You are really skating on thin ice. Did you pull a funny face? That is rich. I'm not famous enough for your podcast. Now I'm pulling funny faces. I could have a twitch. But you know when you suppress a yawn and your eyes water. I was not. No, I just caught it. Do you know what? What we should do is we'll play it back. Slow-mo.
I just caught it out of the corner of my eye because it was... That's offensive. No. I would never yawn. No, I know... I love your stories. But you know my stories are... They don't have any ending. No, the showbiz anecdotes are really shite. And I do apologise. They're not. You are hugely entertaining. You are so fun. No, come on. I was not suppressing a yawn. I wasn't. It was a sigh.
No.
Of despair. God, I'm coming across as a right arsehole. No, you're not. You talk about your gorgeous family holidays and I'm like... No. But you know you're saying about your ashes. Yeah. I love that story that Jennifer Saunders said about being made into a tree.
Oh.
Being buried and then a tree grows from that. Growing up. But you sort of want to be a really lovely tree. You wouldn't want to be. Yeah. Like a, you know. Yeah. Yes. Can you imagine? Gnarly. Gnarly old tree. Pigeon shitting on it. Yeah. Someone's hanging a dog poo bag. Yes. On one of the branches. That used to be Alan. It needs to be like a willow, doesn't it, or something.
A willow, yes, next to a lake. Yes, yes. Something quite romantic. Do you know what? I can tell I'm getting old, but I got pissed off when they cut down that tree. Oh, that was awful. The old yew. Yes, I know. The original yew tree. Yes. Oh, okay. Let's leave a silence. Sighing again. No, but I wonder whether they should put another tree there. I bloody hope so.
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