Ask the Unfaithful
Episodes
Episode 59: 7 WAYS THE UNFAITHFUL MISHANDLE THE BETRAYED'S DISENFRANCHISED GRIEF
18 Dec 2025
Contributed by Lukas
In this dynamic episode of Ask The Unfaithful, Sam and James unpack disenfranchised grief—the deep, invisible grief the betrayed partner experiences...
Episode 58: LIMERENCE: CAN THE DAMAGE EVER BE REPAIRED?
04 Dec 2025
Contributed by Lukas
Limerence is one of the most misunderstood - and devastating - experiences in infidelity recovery. In this episode, James and Sam break down what lime...
Episode 57: What are No Lose Decisions In Infidelity Recovery?
28 Nov 2025
Contributed by Lukas
In this provocative and practical episode of Ask The Unfaithful, Sam and James break down one of the most transformative concepts in affair recovery: ...
Episode 56: HEALING FROM SECRET INTRIGUE
06 Nov 2025
Contributed by Lukas
In this powerful episode of Ask The Unfaithful, James and Sam take an unflinching look at how to heal one of the most deceptive forces blocking recove...
Episode 55: INTRIGUE: The Silent Saboteur of Healing and Connection After Infidelity
24 Oct 2025
Contributed by Lukas
What if the greatest threat to your recovery after infidelity isn't what you think it is? In this episode of Ask The Unfaithful, James and Sam unpac...
Episode 54: What Are The Consequences of People Pleasing For the Unfaithful?
09 Oct 2025
Contributed by Lukas
"Healing begins when we choose authenticity over approval and prioritize the love that truly matters." In this episode of Ask the Unfaithful, James an...
ATU Shorts SE5: Helping the Unfaithful Move From "Not It!" to "Got it!"
25 Sep 2025
Contributed by Lukas
On today's episode of "Moving from Not It to Got It," Sam takes listeners on an honest journey through the pivotal moment when an unfaithful spouse ch...
Episode 53: 10 Ways the Unfaithful's Distorted Thinking Destroys Hope
11 Sep 2025
Contributed by Lukas
Stinking Thinking is more than just negative self-talk—it's the distorted, automatic thought patterns that block empathy, sabotage trust, and keep b...
Episode 52: Entitlement in the Unfaithful: From Demanding to Devotion
28 Aug 2025
Contributed by Lukas
Entitlement is the silent killer of recovery after infidelity. When an unfaithful partner comes from a position of entitlement, it poisons trust, sabo...
Episode 51: 4 Ways Shame and Avoidance Sabotage Healing from Infidelity
14 Aug 2025
Contributed by Lukas
Shame and avoidance are two of the most powerful forces keeping unfaithful partners stuck after betrayal. In this episode of Ask the Unfaithful, we un...
Episode 50: The Arousal Template: Identifying Triggers and Blindspots
18 Jul 2025
Contributed by Lukas
In this episode of Ask The Unfaithful, Sam and James take a deep dive into one of the most misunderstood—and most important—concepts in infidelity...
Episode 49: Was the Unfaithful Really in Love with the Affair Partner?
02 Jul 2025
Contributed by Lukas
In this powerful episode of Ask the Unfaithful, we unpack one of the most misunderstood emotional experiences in the aftermath of infidelity: limerenc...
Episode 48: 5 Signs the Unfaithful Isn't Sorry...Yet
18 Jun 2025
Contributed by Lukas
In this powerful episode of Ask The Unfaithful, we unpack five critical signs that the unfaithful partner has not yet reached authentic, pro-active re...
Episode 47: How Criticism Sabotages Affair Recovery
08 Jun 2025
Contributed by Lukas
In Episode 47 of Ask the Unfaithful, we continue the conversation from last week's powerful session on judgment—but this time, we're unpacking a maj...
Episode 46: How Judgment Affects Affair Recovery
22 May 2025
Contributed by Lukas
Judgment is one of the most hidden—but most powerful—forces keeping recovery stuck. In this episode, we take a deep dive into malignant self-judgm...
Episode 45: Why Are the Unfaithful So Afraid to Do Recovery Work?
15 May 2025
Contributed by Lukas
Fear is part of being human—but when you've betrayed someone you love, fear can become a wall between you and the emotional honesty your partner nee...
Episode 44: What People Pleasing Does to Betrayed Partner
09 May 2025
Contributed by Lukas
People pleasing can be described as the tendency to prioritize others' needs over your own, often driven by fear of rejection or a need for validation...
Episode 43: What People-Pleasing Does to the Betrayed Partner
01 May 2025
Contributed by Lukas
People pleasing can be described as the tendency to prioritize others' needs over your own, often driven by fear of rejection or a need for validation...
Episode 42: How Excessive Self-Protection by the Unfaithful is Toxic After Infidelity is Discovered
18 Apr 2025
Contributed by Lukas
"Imagine building a fortress so strong that not even you can leave it." In our quest as unfaithful to protect ourselves from pain, rejection, or failu...
Episode 41: Why Do the Unfaithful Take Things Personally?
04 Apr 2025
Contributed by Lukas
Why do we unfaithful take things so personally? It can feel like every ounce of feedback we receive is taken with an underlying belief that something ...
Episode 40: What is Toxic Negativity & What Can Be Done About It?
20 Mar 2025
Contributed by Lukas
Toxic negativity refers to a mindset or behavior where a person consistently focuses on the negative aspects of situations, people, spouses or life in...
Episode 39: How Not Keeping Promises Undermines Recovery
06 Mar 2025
Contributed by Lukas
In the daily grind of recovery work lies the realization that even the smallest of broken promises can be a trigger to the betrayed. We the unfaithful...
Episode 38: 6 Essentials to Maintaining Momentum in Relational Recovery
24 Feb 2025
Contributed by Lukas
Today on the podcast, we discuss and define relational recovery while also addressing how to stay motivated as an unfaithful and how can you keep the ...
Episode 37: Why Is the Unfaithful So Hot and Cold? Understanding the Push-Pull Dynamic
11 Feb 2025
Contributed by Lukas
Have you ever wondered why the unfaithful seem so hot and cold? One minute they're pursuing the betrayed, showing signs they are 'all in.' The next mi...
Episode 36: How to Know If the Unfaithful Is Still Using the Betrayed
23 Jan 2025
Contributed by Lukas
How do you know if the unfaithful is using the betrayed for their own insecurities or affirmation, and what are the warning signs? Do unfaithful partn...
ATU Shorts SE4: James' Journey: A Message of Hope
23 Jan 2025
Contributed by Lukas
I wrote a journal entry yesterday with no real intent and it turned out to be about my journey to where I am now. A journey I'm still on, to be sure! ...
Episode 35: 4 Reasons the Unfaithful Avoid Hard Conversations
09 Jan 2025
Contributed by Lukas
Why do we unfaithful seem so committed to avoiding hard conversations, especially those about our infidelity or addiction? Why does it feel to the bet...
Episode 34: Finding Healing During Holidays & Anniversaries
19 Dec 2024
Contributed by Lukas
For the couple endeavoring to heal from infidelity or addiction, the holidays can be not only confusing, but disorienting and highly triggering. From ...
Episode 33: 5 Signs of Emotional Immaturity in the Unfaithful
06 Dec 2024
Contributed by Lukas
Is your spouse or partner emotionally immature? What qualifies as emotional immaturity in the life of the unfaithful and isn't an affair a significa...
Episode 32: When Is It Time for a Therapeutic Separation?
20 Nov 2024
Contributed by Lukas
Have you ever gone through a 'therapeutic separation?' Looking back, do you think you needed one after discovery? Maybe you're contemplating one n...
ATU Shorts SE3: Terminal Uniqueness - The Value of Surrender
19 Nov 2024
Contributed by Lukas
Have you been feeling like your situation is not like anybody else's? Do you find yourself planning your own way of dealing with your behaviors and th...
Episode 31: Breaking the Reaction Cycle of the Unfaithful
09 Nov 2024
Contributed by Lukas
In healing from infidelity, the unfaithful can often times be hostile and reactive early on in the healing process. So much so, we can fall prey to wh...
ATU Shorts SE2: How to Feel & Deal with Your Feelings
02 Nov 2024
Contributed by Lukas
As an Unfaithful, do you struggle to identify what you're feeling i the moment? When you react, what are reacting out of? What is the feeling and how ...
Episode 30: 3 Warning Signs the Unfaithful Isn't Committed to the Betrayed
24 Oct 2024
Contributed by Lukas
It's one of the most common questions asked by a betrayed partner: "How do I know if my unfaithful is really committed to the relationship? What shoul...
Episode 29: Communication Style the Betrayed Need from the Unfaithful
17 Oct 2024
Contributed by Lukas
Previously on Ask the Unfaithful, we discussed four harmful and toxic communication styles of the unfaithful. If you haven't watched or listened to la...
Episode 28: 4 Harmful Communication Styles of the Unfaithful
11 Oct 2024
Contributed by Lukas
If we unfaithful are honest with ourselves, we'll have to admit that we can not only be harmful in our communication styles but also selfish, egotisti...
Episode 27: What Are the Two Most Overlooked Keys to Recovery?
04 Oct 2024
Contributed by Lukas
Anyone who has spent a significant amount of time in recovery work, whether unfaithful or betrayed, will tell you that recovery work is simply put, "n...
Episode 26: 5 Signs of Emotional Intelligence
25 Sep 2024
Contributed by Lukas
How emotionally intelligent are you? What about your partner or spouse, how emotionally intelligent are they? What even is emotional intelligence and ...
Episode 25: 6 Signs of an Emotional Affair
25 Sep 2024
Contributed by Lukas
"Was it actually an emotional affair?" "Was I really sharing too much with them?" "I didn't know I was crossing lines with them, how was I supposed to...
Episode 24: What are 4 Damaging Ways the Unfaithful Seek Attention?
25 Sep 2024
Contributed by Lukas
If you're an unfaithful, have you ever considered that perhaps your affair was about seeking attention, affirmation and/or escape? Maybe you're a betr...
Episode 23: What are 5 Smokescreens the Unfaithful Use to Deflect?
25 Sep 2024
Contributed by Lukas
Have you ever considered the possibility that we, the unfaithful, massively deflect? If you're a betrayed partner, we're quite positive you've seen us...
Episode 22: What are the 5 Stages of Change for The Unfaithful?
25 Sep 2024
Contributed by Lukas
Did you know there are actual stages of change we as human beings go through before we arrive at true change? Did you also know there are stages we un...
Episode 21: 5 Communication Mistakes the Unfaithful Make
25 Sep 2024
Contributed by Lukas
Any couple trying to heal from the devastation of infidelity or addiction will attest to the difficulty they have had trying to communicate with their...
Episode 20: 10 Reasons Why the Unfaithful Self Sabotage
25 Sep 2024
Contributed by Lukas
Have you ever wondered, as an unfaithful, "Why do I keep doing this?" "Why do I keep getting in my own way?" "Why is it that no matter what I do, I ev...
Episode 19: What are the Signs of Denial in the Life of the Unfaithful?
25 Sep 2024
Contributed by Lukas
Has your partner ever accused you of being in denial about your choices or the impact of your affair? Maybe your mate continues to communicate to you ...
Episode 18: What are the Consequences of Betrayal for the Unfaithful?
25 Sep 2024
Contributed by Lukas
Often times a betrayed partner will wonder if the unfaithful actually suffers any consequences due to their choice(s) to go outside the marriage. Betr...
Episode 17: What is Parental Enmeshment and How Does it Affect Affair Recovery?
25 Sep 2024
Contributed by Lukas
Have you ever heard of 'Parental Enmeshment?' Adult parental enmeshment is a psychological and relational condition where an adult has an excessively ...
Episode 16: How Do the Unfaithful Invalidate the Betrayed's Feelings?
24 Sep 2024
Contributed by Lukas
Maybe you've said this before or had it said to you, but it's a common yet problematic statement for couples trying to heal from the devastation of in...
Episode 15: 5 Ways the Unfaithful are Defensive and Reactive
24 Sep 2024
Contributed by Lukas
Have you ever felt like your partner or spouse was consistently defensive and/or overly reactive every time their actions were called into question? I...
Episode 14: Why are the Unfaithful Dishonest with Themselves?
24 Sep 2024
Contributed by Lukas
Have you ever wondered why the unfaithful just isn't getting it? It's like they live in this bubble of self deception, seemingly impenetrable, almost ...
Episode 13: 6 Ways the Unfaithful Retraumatize the Betrayed Partner
24 Sep 2024
Contributed by Lukas
In this week's episode James and Sam discuss 6 ways the unfaithful party continues to retraumatize the betrayed partner both knowingly and unknowingly...
Episode 12: How Can the Unfaithful Stop Draining the Betrayed's Energy?
24 Sep 2024
Contributed by Lukas
Despite being well into a couple's recovery journey, the Unfaithful can drain the Betrayed's energy in a myriad of ways - from asking the betrayed to ...
Episode 11: Why is Perfectionism so Dangerous for the Unfaithful?
24 Sep 2024
Contributed by Lukas
In this episode, Sam and I talk about Perfectionism as it applies in every day life as one of the top reasons for relapse. Where does it come from and...
Episode 10 - How does the Unfaithful Make Amends Early on in Recovery
24 Sep 2024
Contributed by Lukas
The Unfaithful can live in such a way that our life is an amends for the damage we've done. Every day, we can say things and do things that continue t...
Episode 9: What Are the Biggest Red Flags in the Unfaithful's Early Relational Recovery?
24 Sep 2024
Contributed by Lukas
"What are the red flags I should be looking for?" is a question James and I receive quite often. It's not only a common question but it's a necessary ...
Episode 8: How Can the Unfaithful Begin to Rebuild Trust in Early Recovery
24 Sep 2024
Contributed by Lukas
If there was a word that was both polarizing as well as unsettling for both sides of infidelity, it would be the word trust. How does one win back tru...
Episode 7 - Are All Unfaithfuls Intimacy Avoidant?
24 Sep 2024
Contributed by Lukas
What does it mean to be Intimacy Avoidant? What even is intimacy avoidance and am I that? Or, is my partner that? If so, what do we do and how do we h...
Episode 6 - How is the Unfaithful's Progress in Recovery Measured?
24 Sep 2024
Contributed by Lukas
If there was a question I've heard both partners ask time and time again out of desperation, it would be this such question. How do we manage our reco...
Episode 5: Why is Resentment so Destructive in the Life of the Unfaithful?
24 Sep 2024
Contributed by Lukas
Resentment in the life of an Unfaithful is not only toxic but can also be paralyzing. Trying to heal themselves as well as their relationship is hard ...
Episode 4: Is Relapse a Part of Recovery?
20 Sep 2024
Contributed by Lukas
It's a normal question for the Betrayed as well as the Unfaithful: Is relapse a part of recovery? If so, why would that ever be necessary and why woul...
Episode 3: What Does Being "All-In" in Recovery Work After Infidelity Look Like?
20 Sep 2024
Contributed by Lukas
"Are you 'all in' in your recovery work Sam?" I'll never forget the day my therapist asked me that question so point blank while on his couch. It was ...
Episode 2: Why Do the Unfaithful Disparage the Betrayed to their Affair Partner?
20 Sep 2024
Contributed by Lukas
Have you, as an Unfaithful, disparaged your spouse or partner to your affair partner? Maybe you've shared intimate details about your marriage to yo...
Episode 1: Why are the Unfaithful so Angry?
20 Sep 2024
Contributed by Lukas
Have you ever wondered why, if the Unfaithful was the partner who cheated, they are angry? If you're a Betrayed Partner, it can be hurtful, painful,...