Have you ever struggled over whether to accept an invitation or opportunity? Should I say yes, or no? Join Dr. Regan as she discusses the importance of identifying goals and asking "what might that look like" before making a final decision. Previous podcast episodes mentioned: Attention Deficit Disorder and Autism: Similarities and Differences Dr. Regan's Master Class for Clinicians: Zur Institute: Master Class Dr. Regan's Resources Book: Understanding Autism in Adults and Aging Adults, 2nd ed Audiobook Book: Understanding Autistic Behaviors Autism in the Adult website homepage Website Resources for Clinicians Read the transcript: 1 00:00:07,670 --> 00:00:08,520 Hi there. 2 00:00:08,529 --> 00:00:13,520 This is Doctor Regan joining you for an episode of Autism in the Adult podcast. 3 00:00:13,760 --> 00:00:15,029 I'm your host. 4 00:00:15,039 --> 00:00:18,739 I'm also a neuropsychologist, author and speaker, 5 00:00:19,000 --> 00:00:24,719 a certified autism specialist and the parent of a teen on the autism spectrum. 6 00:00:25,850 --> 00:00:29,040 You are joining me today for an episode entitled, 7 00:00:29,049 --> 00:00:30,620 "what might that look like?" 8 00:00:30,909 --> 00:00:35,240 One of the things that clients and families often ask me is, 9 00:00:35,250 --> 00:00:39,909 "should we plan on this" or "should I say yes to this?" 10 00:00:40,189 --> 00:00:40,669 Now, 11 00:00:40,680 --> 00:00:48,659 this could mean being the best man at a family wedding or taking a family vacation to a cabin in the woods. 12 00:00:49,419 --> 00:00:53,509 It could mean accepting a full time job in an office setting. 13 00:00:54,299 --> 00:00:55,029 Now, 14 00:00:55,529 --> 00:00:58,509 my response is rarely yes or no, 15 00:00:58,520 --> 00:01:01,270 but rather "what might that look like?" 16 00:01:02,590 --> 00:01:05,519 So before we jump into the topic for today, 17 00:01:05,529 --> 00:01:09,559 we are coming up to the third anniversary of this podcast, 18 00:01:09,879 --> 00:01:19,639 the first episode launched on August 7th 2020 it highlighted similarities and differences between autism and ADD or ADHD. 19 00:01:20,050 --> 00:01:20,379 Now, 20 00:01:20,389 --> 00:01:33,279 this premiere episode is one of the most popular of the podcast and I plan to expand this topic into a series after today's episode which will further define executive function, 21 00:01:33,550 --> 00:01:41,050 its presentation in autism and ADD, and resources for harnessing the power of executive function. 22 00:01:42,199 --> 00:01:43,089 Secondly, 23 00:01:43,099 --> 00:01:46,930 I want to inform clinicians about an upcoming master class. 24 00:01:46,940 --> 00:01:52,069 I'm offering through Zur Institute about autism across the lifespan. 25 00:01:53,190 --> 00:02:04,459 I received so many emails and messages through my website about people seeking autism informed clinicians to provide them with diagnostic input information, 26 00:02:04,470 --> 00:02:08,919 education and solutions for roadblocks they may have encountered. 27 00:02:09,649 --> 00:02:17,270 So the bottom line is that more clinicians are needed to serve individuals who are searching for this specialization. 28 00:02:17,600 --> 00:02:28,779 And my response has been to offer multiple courses through Zur Institute. It's a continuing education site for clinicians. 29 00:02:29,330 --> 00:02:36,809 My goal is to equip clinicians across various regions to assist individuals in their communities. 30 00:02:36,860 --> 00:02:39,320 When this type of service is needed, 31 00:02:39,979 --> 00:02:51,729 the master class offering will focus on advanced topics and it starts in September space is limited and I'll have the link in the show notes. 32 00:02:52,360 --> 00:02:55,449 So let's jump into our topic for today. 33 00:02:56,380 --> 00:03:10,369 The autistic individual may have opportunities to accept or decline invitations and the invitation may be to enter an advanced academic program rather than the basic program. 34 00:03:10,789 --> 00:03:13,770 Perhaps the invitation is to travel. 35 00:03:14,429 --> 00:03:24,199 The invitation may be to lead a group such as being the best man at a family wedding or presenting research to professionals. 36 00:03:25,720 --> 00:03:33,619 My experience is that there's value in viewing the invitation not so much as a yes or no question. 37 00:03:33,889 --> 00:03:35,369 Do I accept this? 38 00:03:35,380 --> 00:03:36,580 Do I say no. 39 00:03:36,759 --> 00:03:38,880 But by asking ourselves, 40 00:03:38,889 --> 00:03:40,410 what might that look like? 41 00:03:41,149 --> 00:03:41,710 A yes, 42 00:03:41,720 --> 00:03:47,160 no view would be to see the invitation as a formed and complete package. 43 00:03:47,289 --> 00:03:51,080 So if I say yes to being the best man, 44 00:03:51,089 --> 00:03:53,080 I will plan the bachelor party, 45 00:03:53,089 --> 00:03:54,240 make a speech, 46 00:03:54,380 --> 00:03:55,020 toast, 47 00:03:55,029 --> 00:03:56,509 the couple at the reception, 48 00:03:56,520 --> 00:04:00,869 et cetera saying no to the invitation means I'll, 49 00:04:00,880 --> 00:04:03,440 I won't participate in these activities. 50 00:04:03,990 --> 00:04:05,360 But instead of a yes, 51 00:04:05,369 --> 00:04:06,589 no mindset, 52 00:04:07,100 --> 00:04:11,199 we can often talk through alternatives by asking, 53 00:04:11,210 --> 00:04:12,919 what might that look like? 54 00:04:13,300 --> 00:04:14,990 What might it look like to say? 55 00:04:15,000 --> 00:04:15,729 Yes, 56 00:04:16,170 --> 00:04:19,630 in a way that works for me and for the people around me. 57 00:04:22,149 --> 00:04:26,200 The first point to think about is what is the ultimate goal? 58 00:04:26,209 --> 00:04:28,320 What is the desired outcome? 59 00:04:29,779 --> 00:04:36,600 The goal for a vacation with family members may be to have relaxing experiences, 60 00:04:36,660 --> 00:04:43,480 to see natural landscapes that you've never seen and to connect with other family in a meaningful way. 61 00:04:44,829 --> 00:04:50,709 The goal for presenting your research to professionals may be to advance your career, 62 00:04:50,720 --> 00:04:57,040 make professional connections with others and highlight your role in the work that's been done. 63 00:04:58,730 --> 00:05:09,549 Identifying what a good outcome would look like is empowering because it helps us identify a handful of core foundational objectives. 64 00:05:10,029 --> 00:05:12,640 And when we work toward those objectives, 65 00:05:12,649 --> 00:05:17,220 we can release some of the trappings that may be part of the activity, 66 00:05:17,230 --> 00:05:23,959 but they're really not core to what we're going after for the individual, 67 00:05:23,970 --> 00:05:26,440 considering a full-time office job, 68 00:05:26,470 --> 00:05:31,089 he may decide that the foundational goals would be to have work stability. 69 00:05:31,510 --> 00:05:34,140 If he's currently doing consulting work, 70 00:05:34,149 --> 00:05:35,200 for example, 71 00:05:35,290 --> 00:05:35,769 he would, 72 00:05:35,779 --> 00:05:45,109 he may want more of a predictable salary and to have his name associated with a company that has a respected reputation in his field. 73 00:05:46,239 --> 00:05:53,489 So the first step you can focus on is determining what would be a good outcome. 74 00:05:54,480 --> 00:06:02,549 What would it look like in this situation to really dive in and also to feel like things went well. 75 00:06:04,519 --> 00:06:10,970 The first step you should focus on is determining what a good outcome would look like in this situation. 76 00:06:11,589 --> 00:06:15,779 What would a good outcome for participating in the wedding look like? 77 00:06:16,140 --> 00:06:21,519 What about going on a family vacation or accepting an office job? 78 00:06:22,910 --> 00:06:32,970 The second part after we've identified what the core features we're going after are those core foundational goals? 79 00:06:33,179 --> 00:06:35,000 We can ask ourselves, 80 00:06:35,010 --> 00:06:36,459 what might it look like? 81 00:06:36,470 --> 00:06:41,559 What might the situation look like that would allow for those outcomes? 82 00:06:42,480 --> 00:06:44,950 So let's go back to the examples. 83 00:06:45,410 --> 00:06:49,690 The gentleman invited to be best man at an out of town family wedding. 84 00:06:49,700 --> 00:06:51,200 Let's call him Joe. 85 00:06:51,790 --> 00:06:54,510 He may realize his instinct is to say, 86 00:06:54,519 --> 00:06:55,160 no, 87 00:06:55,679 --> 00:06:58,809 he knows that he gets overwhelmed in crowds. 88 00:06:58,820 --> 00:07:09,809 He dislikes being the center of attention and he relies on routine and specific favorite activities to remain grounded in daily life. 89 00:07:10,170 --> 00:07:24,489 He feels pulled in different directions because he wants to support his family member and he knows that it's really an honor to be asked to connect with the couple in this way at the ceremony. 90 00:07:25,890 --> 00:07:28,390 So Joe and his family may want to discuss, 91 00:07:28,399 --> 00:07:31,570 what would it look like for you to be best man? 92 00:07:31,809 --> 00:07:36,630 What might it look like for Joe to be best man in a relational, 93 00:07:36,640 --> 00:07:38,899 satisfying and meaningful way? 94 00:07:38,940 --> 00:07:44,929 But in a way that also offers him the freedom and the space to take care of his needs. 95 00:07:45,790 --> 00:07:46,920 So at this point, 96 00:07:46,929 --> 00:07:57,320 there is a commitment to the core goals and there is flexibility with the trappings that might otherwise go along with a wedding ceremony. 97 00:07:59,109 --> 00:08:00,369 In the case of the wedding, 98 00:08:00,380 --> 00:08:02,769 Joe may have a separate hotel room, 99 00:08:02,779 --> 00:08:07,369 so he has a quiet alone space to regroup as needed. 100 00:08:08,350 --> 00:08:20,239 Joe may know that he is grounded and centered when he gets pressure inputs in his muscles and joints and he gets these inputs at home with a weighted blanket, 101 00:08:20,260 --> 00:08:22,339 rock climbing and bike riding. 102 00:08:23,239 --> 00:08:36,650 He's decided to choose a hotel that has a swimming pool and an elliptical machine so that he can get these pressure inputs in ways that will still feel grounding to him. 103 00:08:38,489 --> 00:08:48,789 Joe also plans to use small noise canceling earbuds as needed just to shield himself from some of the noise in crowded areas. 104 00:08:48,968 --> 00:08:50,289 They're barely visible, 105 00:08:50,299 --> 00:08:55,698 they help him a lot and it'll be a step toward really increasing his comfort. 106 00:08:56,940 --> 00:09:00,880 Joe and his family agree that he won't attend the bachelor party, 107 00:09:01,150 --> 00:09:09,630 but still he'll have a time that evening where he and the groom have a private drink together to celebrate the union. 108 00:09:11,020 --> 00:09:18,960 Joe also decides to record a video of him toasting the couple rather than making a live toast. 109 00:09:19,409 --> 00:09:26,979 These things in combination with others really help him or regulate himself to have a relation, 110 00:09:27,010 --> 00:09:33,950 meaningful contribution at the ceremony and to also protect what his nervous system needs. 111 00:09:34,820 --> 00:09:38,260 The main points are that Joe and his family are thinking, 112 00:09:38,450 --> 00:09:39,950 what might this look like? 113 00:09:39,960 --> 00:09:47,789 What do we want to work toward and how can we best get there with a mindset toward getting everyone's needs met. 114 00:09:49,020 --> 00:09:50,140 Similarly, 115 00:09:50,150 --> 00:09:53,250 the researcher invited to present her work. 116 00:09:53,260 --> 00:09:54,030 Let's call her, 117 00:09:54,039 --> 00:10:03,669 Susan may avoid the invitation because handling unexpected situations during a presentation is very stressful to her. 118 00:10:04,080 --> 00:10:10,799 She also really shies away from being the center of attention and speaking in front of others. 119 00:10:11,409 --> 00:10:19,219 If she does present her goals would be to take credit for her work and to connect with like minded professionals. 120 00:10:20,369 --> 00:10:26,169 Perhaps her focus on what might this look like leads to the following plan, 121 00:10:27,190 --> 00:10:35,840 Susan and her mentor decide to present the information together with specific slides identified for each of them. 122 00:10:36,559 --> 00:11:02,320 So this plan allows Susan to have an experienced partner to guide her through unexpected glitches and it also ensures that Susan can count on presenting specific material but also have expected breaks while her mentor is speaking during the question and answer section at the end of the presentation, 123 00:11:02,539 --> 00:11:13,679 Susan will take the lead on questions she feels comfortable with and her mentor may cue and structure her thoughts by adding prompts like saying Susan, 124 00:11:13,690 --> 00:11:19,400 this may be a good time to discuss your findings in the area of XY or Z. 125 00:11:21,340 --> 00:11:37,650 So what might that look like process allowed Susan to work toward her desired goals without taking an all or nothing approach to all of the trappings that may typically accompany a professional presentation. 126 00:11:38,219 --> 00:11:47,140 So the first thing we talked about was figuring out what's foundational in the goals and then figuring out how to get there, 127 00:11:47,150 --> 00:11:52,770 what might it look like to accommodate these goals and to let some other things go. 128 00:11:54,070 --> 00:11:57,070 The third thing to think about is when to say no. 129 00:11:57,840 --> 00:11:59,729 So having said all this, 130 00:11:59,739 --> 00:12:12,960 there will be times when what might this look like when that process leads to the conclusion that really this is probably unlikely to help achieve our best, 131 00:12:12,969 --> 00:12:14,179 our best outcome, 132 00:12:14,190 --> 00:12:15,369 our best goals. 133 00:12:16,030 --> 00:12:17,479 Um So saying, 134 00:12:17,489 --> 00:12:20,460 no may be the best decision in that case, 135 00:12:21,900 --> 00:12:27,979 although there would be benefits to finding a compromise that meets the needs of multiple people. 136 00:12:27,989 --> 00:12:45,590 The process may be unrealistic in a particular situation and that may be because the individual's needs at that time are so high in this season of struggle or it may be because features of the situation just can't be adjusted. 137 00:12:47,289 --> 00:12:53,179 Let's take the consultants situation who's considering a full-time office job. 138 00:12:53,390 --> 00:13:15,960 Let's call him a the best answer for him may be no if he is in an unusual season of struggle and maybe he's having difficulty consistently getting his consulting work done and to then switch to a setting that would be more challenging for him may really not be good timing, 139 00:13:16,719 --> 00:13:22,520 his needs as an individual may be so far from what the job can offer him. 140 00:13:22,770 --> 00:13:25,729 That the best answer in this season is no. 141 00:13:27,179 --> 00:13:28,309 Alternatively, 142 00:13:28,320 --> 00:13:32,619 the answer may be no if he's doing well in his consulting work. 143 00:13:32,830 --> 00:13:42,119 But there are core features of the job that would prevent him from having the flexibility that he would really need to thrive. 144 00:13:42,809 --> 00:13:47,280 He may realize that he would need a hybrid work model, 145 00:13:47,289 --> 00:13:50,280 combining office work and remote work. 146 00:13:51,070 --> 00:13:57,289 He may have the self awareness that working on new business proposals keeps his interest level up, 147 00:13:57,650 --> 00:14:06,549 but he needs help maintaining interest in projects that feel like old hat that the work can get boring very quickly. 148 00:14:06,640 --> 00:14:21,630 And the consulting job allows him to pick and choose the types of projects that he does and for things not to get stale if the office job offers him stability in one sense, 149 00:14:21,729 --> 00:14:26,719 but a lack of flexibility to kind of meet in the middle. 150 00:14:27,530 --> 00:14:30,950 He may need to say no to that invitation. 151 00:14:31,330 --> 00:14:33,929 Uh Based on what he knows about himself, 152 00:14:38,130 --> 00:14:42,099 an individual invited to come along for a family vacation. 153 00:14:42,239 --> 00:14:44,090 Let's call her MEREDITH. 154 00:14:44,460 --> 00:14:49,940 She may realize that no is the answer that makes the most sense in her season. 155 00:14:50,799 --> 00:14:53,890 After thinking through what might this look like, 156 00:14:53,900 --> 00:15:02,969 she can't envision any way that realistically meets her needs and achieves the goal of connecting with family on this trip. 157 00:15:04,080 --> 00:15:05,250 For example, 158 00:15:05,260 --> 00:15:14,809 she may have a really severe fear of flying and taking multiple planes is the only way to participate in the vacation as planned. 159 00:15:16,049 --> 00:15:23,179 MEREDITH may realize that her core goal is to connect with two family members in particular. 160 00:15:23,880 --> 00:15:26,580 So her next thought process might be, 161 00:15:27,229 --> 00:15:30,859 I'm going to have to say no to the invitation of the trip. 162 00:15:30,929 --> 00:15:34,429 But how else could I connect with those family members? 163 00:15:34,500 --> 00:15:37,849 Even I'm if I'm going to turn down this invitation, 164 00:15:39,489 --> 00:15:55,979 this process of evaluating invitations and opportunities by asking what might that look like can help us identify what our core goals and needs are while adjusting or releasing things that really aren't foundational. 165 00:15:57,039 --> 00:15:59,809 The decisions often don't need to be all or nothing. 166 00:15:59,820 --> 00:16:03,750 Although after thinking through what might this look like? 167 00:16:03,940 --> 00:16:08,150 We might see that some opportunities just aren't a good fit. 168 00:16:10,030 --> 00:16:22,359 I hope you have invitations that help you grow toward your goals and that your decision making process can also reflect your values and your needs at all seasons of your life. 169 00:16:22,460 --> 00:16:24,500 Thank you for joining me today. 170 00:16:24,750 --> 00:16:36,599 The next episode will launch our new series on Executive Function and clinicians ... check out the link to the master class opportunity with Zur Institute coming up in the fall. 171 00:16:36,690 --> 00:16:41,710 I hope you can join me next time for our episode on Executive Function.

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“What did the council decide on item 42?” — answered with the speaker and the moment.

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