Basic Snitches

Hussy in a Handbag - Featuring Brian O. Jackson

03 Mar 2023

Contributed by Lukas

Chapter 20: Lord Voldemort's Request -Brian is back and there are hot cookies!Madame Adam makes an appearance!We roast Dumble a lot here and discuss t...

I Don't Want to be a Coat - Featuring Brian O. Jackson

22 Feb 2023

Contributed by Lukas

Chapter 19: Elf Tales - Basically, McDickface is the WORST. Also, Ron needs to grow a pair and PomPom is sassy.The taco discussion in this episode is ...

Professor Flitwick is Bringing Sexy Back

16 Feb 2023

Contributed by Lukas

Chapter 18: Crispy Dick...I mean, Birthday Surprises -Everyone sucks dicks.We all know what the 3 Ds are... 🤷‍♀️

Let's Bring it Back to Ted Bundy

09 Feb 2023

Contributed by Lukas

Chapter 17: A Sluggish Memory - It is canon. Ed Sheeran is a Weasley (honestly, though, he should have been Charlie Weasley in the movies). We discuss...

The Power of Do

02 Feb 2023

Contributed by Lukas

Chapter 16: A Very Frosty Christmas -We get a thing from the fuuuuuuuuutuuuureeee...(I don't know, some time in October of 2080 or something 🤷‍♀...

Everyone is Drunk and Gay

26 Jan 2023

Contributed by Lukas

Chapter 15: The Unbreakable Vow -Everyone is drunk and gay Adam. Tara. And everyone at Slughorn's party.This chapter is cattiness and Christmas parti...

Musical Brooms

19 Jan 2023

Contributed by Lukas

Chapter 14: Felix Felicis - THE HORMONES, Y'ALL 😳Did you know that the reason that Hogwarts has so many empty classrooms is because Dumble fired al...

Harmonica Dick

12 Jan 2023

Contributed by Lukas

Chapter 13: The Secret Riddle -Another Dumble lesson!We discuss how Harry's instincts are pretty reliable and how maybe Dumble could directly respond ...

The Wizard of Ox - featuring AJ Ryan & Jen Terpstra from Podcast in Death

04 Jan 2023

Contributed by Lukas

HAPPY NEW YEAR SNITCHES!This week we are reviewing the reviews with AJ and Jen from Podcast in Death (Tara's other podcast). This time, we just talk a...

Harry Potter and the OotP as told by the Basic Snitches (and other Bitches)

21 Dec 2022

Contributed by Lukas

Happy all the holidays! Thank you for another year, Qwens! We hope you enjoy this (abridged) Snitch-ified adaptation of HP5 ❤️

Draco is Having a Really Emo Year - featuring Ashley Brubaker and Neil

14 Dec 2022

Contributed by Lukas

Chapter 12: Silver and Opals - this chapter is actually just about one of our favorite Huffleclaws, Sarah Price, is traumatized in Hogsmede 🤷‍♀...

Holding Trouts - featuring Ashley Brubaker

07 Dec 2022

Contributed by Lukas

Chapter 11: Hermione's Helping Hand - Let's take a moment to think about the irony of Adam, Tara and Ashley discussing sports. We also discuss how awf...

Mighty Morfin

01 Dec 2022

Contributed by Lukas

Chapter 10: The House of Gaunt -Dumble and Harry go on a weird field trip and Adam shares some tarot knowledge.Also movie Dumble is way too interested...

You May Call Me Sir Bitch

23 Nov 2022

Contributed by Lukas

Chapter 9: The Half Blood Prince - Sass. Dick swinging. Terrible pedagogy. Lack of common sense.It must be a new year at Hogwarts.

Crispy Hand

16 Nov 2022

Contributed by Lukas

Chapter 8: Snape Victorious -This is a classic Snitches episode in which we drink a lot and talk about how Snape is the worst.. also, we discuss the p...

Rich British

09 Nov 2022

Contributed by Lukas

Chapter 7: The Slug Club -Basically this episode is us continuing our general "Draco really sucks" rant 🤷‍♀️Also we decide that nobody gets t...

Doomspiraling, Reprise - Featuring Roxana Bell

03 Nov 2022

Contributed by Lukas

Hey Snitches, Trigger Warning on this episode as we break away from our regular chapter discussion to speculate on the mental health of our favorite (...

Gibbons and Butthole - featuring Roxana Bell

27 Oct 2022

Contributed by Lukas

Chapter 6: Draco's Detour - Harry and Co. are back on their "not minding their own business" bullshit. Draco is still in his "I'm a terrible bully" bu...

Dummy Dumb Dumb

19 Oct 2022

Contributed by Lukas

Chapter 5: An Excess of Phlegm - Here's a reminder that PrincessPickle69 hates French people... 🙄We discuss how Harry learns some new info on his f...

Surprise, He's a Couch

12 Oct 2022

Contributed by Lukas

Chapter 4: Horace Slughorn - We are unprepared. Shout out to HPST for our solution (in which we were also terribly unsuccessful).So we meet Slughorn. ...

A Trenchcoat You Put on to do the Dishes

05 Oct 2022

Contributed by Lukas

Chapter 3: Will and Won't -This chapter is not actually about Harry getting cockblocked in a coffee shop.Sassy Dumble is here. Vernon is terrible. Dud...

Get the Tequila Now, Wormtail

28 Sep 2022

Contributed by Lukas

Chapter 2: Spinner's End - Sassy Snape is here!!Bellatrix is a dumbass. Snape is sassy. Wormtail is...there.Also... margaritas.

Bill Nye the Minister of Magic Guy

21 Sep 2022

Contributed by Lukas

Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince, Chapter 1: The Other Minister - We are here, friends. BOOK 6! How did this happen? Magic 🤷‍♀️We ...

Season 6 Teaser

14 Sep 2022

Contributed by Lukas

Hey Snitches, season 6 is coming your way starting NEXT WEEK! If you haven't had a chance to listen to our special pre-season Back to Hogwarts special...

Our Friend, Dan - featuring Alex Petsche

01 Sep 2022

Contributed by Lukas

Happy season 6, Snitches! And happy Back to Hogwarts Day!!!Even though we're not *quite* ready to launch our chapter by chapter discussion of Half Blo...

Cutting Room Floor (in which we're just plain ridiculous)

20 Jul 2022

Contributed by Lukas

To finish off season 5, we give you another cutting room floor! Are we as funny as we think we are? Yes. Yes we are 😂

Somehow We Made It featuring Brian O Jackson and Dot

13 Jul 2022

Contributed by Lukas

Book 5 wrap up! We finished this reeeeaaaaallllyyyyyy long book!!! So long, Umbitch!

F***ing Up with Good Intentions - featuring Brian O. Jackson

06 Jul 2022

Contributed by Lukas

Chapter 38: The Second War Begins -The final chapter of OotP and Brian is with us again!!!We discuss Harry's good intentions and the horrible results ...

Love is Stronger Than Death

29 Jun 2022

Contributed by Lukas

Chapter 37: The Lost Prophecy - Dumble is finally giving Harry some answers. This chapter is fraught with emotions and irony.We will say it again - Wi...

Some of my Best Friends are Gryffindors -featuring Jill Grunenwald & Sydney Kalnay

22 Jun 2022

Contributed by Lukas

Today, we do a deep dive into the Hogwarts curriculum with Jill Grunenwald & Sydney KalnaySpoiler - Hogwarts' curriculum is garbage 🤷‍♀️

Tell Your Snack Cake That!

15 Jun 2022

Contributed by Lukas

Chapter 36: The Only One He Ever Feared - Soooo, Harry goes off on Bellatrix, gets possessed and then passes out. Dumbledore proves that the gays are ...

Beetlejuice Baby

08 Jun 2022

Contributed by Lukas

Chapter 35: Beyond the Veil - So...heads up, the end of this chapter is SAD...Adam and Tara discuss the new things we see as we dive deeper into the D...

Swimmin' Brains

01 Jun 2022

Contributed by Lukas

Chapter 34: The Department of Mysteries - We open with a rant. Time to dismantle the patriarchy... and also mind your business thanks very much.Adam r...

We're Here and We're Tragic

25 May 2022

Contributed by Lukas

Chapter 33: Fight and Flight - We are all over the place in this one...so buckle in, Snitches. It's celebration time! The Sagittariuses (Sagittari?) t...

This is Sirius!

18 May 2022

Contributed by Lukas

Chapter 32: Out of the Fire -We have been saying it for weeks... IT'S GO TIME! Only, this really is go time! A lot of really great discussion in this ...

I Got Lichtenstein'd

11 May 2022

Contributed by Lukas

Chapter 31: OWLS - Yay. Standardized tests 🙄Adam gives us some study tips and we discuss the effectiveness of each of the Hogwarts teachers. We are...

Therapy Juice - Featuring Brian O. Jackson

04 May 2022

Contributed by Lukas

Chapter 30: Grawp (The Grawps) - This episode is dedicated to Chad.Fred and George are still heroes and pink demon is slowly losing control of the stu...

Swamp Oss - Featuring Brian O. Jackson

28 Apr 2022

Contributed by Lukas

Chapter 29: Career Advice - Brian is back!!! We discuss how Snape and Umbitch are horrible teachers and how McG is amazing and we give major friend po...

Because Magic and Toilets...and Shit - featuring Sarah Price

20 Apr 2022

Contributed by Lukas

Chapter 28: Snape's Worst Memory - Adam has a new nickname for Umbridge!!! Sarah is back and we discuss the interrogation methods of Pink chode and th...

Spicy Horse - featuring Sarah Price

13 Apr 2022

Contributed by Lukas

Chapter 27: The Centaur and the Sneak- It's time for another Ravenclaw to join us! We have mimosas, we laugh a lot, we play FMK (Umbridge always dies)...

The Talon in the Butter

06 Apr 2022

Contributed by Lukas

Chapter 26: Seen and Unforseen - Somehow we are sober and we manage to sound outrageously drunk...More discussion of awkward teen romance and about ho...

Sneaky Banana Lady

30 Mar 2022

Contributed by Lukas

Chapter 25: The Beetle at Bay - Time for another Snape rant from Tara!Adam gives his notes from the last two episodes.Teenagers are bad at romance.Als...

Smushy Dicks featuring Victoria Kirgesner & Daniel Hunsicker

23 Mar 2022

Contributed by Lukas

The time has come for us to discuss the ridiculous, hilarious and somewhat problematic A Very Potter Musical!Y'all, it's a wild one!

You Say OccLUMENcy, I say OCClumency - featuring Daniel Hunsicker

16 Mar 2022

Contributed by Lukas

Chapter 24: Occlumency - sadly, Adam is not here this episode, but Dan brings the no pants energy! Editing Adam does make an appearance and Arthur Wea...

A Chaotic Presence featuring Jeff Hartland

09 Mar 2022

Contributed by Lukas

Chapter 23: Christmas on the Closed Ward - Y'all, it's in the title 🤷‍♀️

Origin, Not Orgy - featuring Jeff Hartland

02 Mar 2022

Contributed by Lukas

Chapter 22: St. Mungo's Hospital for Magical Maladies and Injuries - somehow, despite not being present in this chapter, we managed to get in several ...

Ron is a Thestral Now

23 Feb 2022

Contributed by Lukas

Chapter 21: The Eye of the Snake - We are loud. Hagrid is back from his sex holiday with Qwen Maxime.Giants need dentists too...Check out our new tier...

A Nice Young Carcass

16 Feb 2022

Contributed by Lukas

Chapter 20: Hagrid's Tale - Giants are honestly just really big dumb angry babies. Hagrid and Maxime spent the last several months fucking and trying ...

U******* Always Dies featuring Roxana Bell

09 Feb 2022

Contributed by Lukas

Chapter 19: The Lion and the Serpent - Malfoy sucks... But also, Fred and George are bad brothers and terrible team players. Hermione and Luna are ama...

Too Many Wands, Not Enough Dicks - featuring AJ Ryan and Jen Terpstra

02 Feb 2022

Contributed by Lukas

Dear reviewers: Stop being pretentious assholes!Signed,People who like romance novels and fantasy stories.This week we are joined by Tara's other co-h...

Shhhh...Silencio

27 Jan 2022

Contributed by Lukas

Chapter 18: Dumbledore's Army - Important question.. why is it only one year olds that get smash cakes for their birthday?We are all Winky. We drink a...

The Supreme Lesbian

19 Jan 2022

Contributed by Lukas

Chapter 17: Educational Decree Number Twenty-Four -Tara and Adam discuss their theories on Professor Binns then share their own strengths as students....

That's What You Get for Being Fierce

12 Jan 2022

Contributed by Lukas

Chapter 16: In the Hog's Head - ZACH SMIIIIIIIIITH!!!!! Also, please stop vanishing animals, thanks.

There are Two Types of Bitches in the World

06 Jan 2022

Contributed by Lukas

Chapter 15: The Hogwarts High Inquisitor Tara comes up with more perfect names to call Pink bitch. Adam's computer screen is very bright.Surprise...

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire as told by the Basic Snitches

22 Dec 2021

Contributed by Lukas

HAPPY SNITCHMAS, BITCHES!or whatever you celebrate or just for being you Enjoy!!! ❤️❤️❤️

A Northern Siren

16 Dec 2021

Contributed by Lukas

Chapter 14: Percy and Padfoot- Cho is great. Hedwig is great. Ron is really great. Percy sucks......but not as much as Umbridge...

Hell is Floral Tablecloths

08 Dec 2021

Contributed by Lukas

Chapter 13: Detention With Dolores - So basically this chapter is all about torture, bad teachers and how great Ron is in this book. We cheer hard fo...

Hogwarts is an OSHA Nightmare - Featuring Ashley Frederick Brubaker

01 Dec 2021

Contributed by Lukas

In this special episode we discuss all the ways Hogwarts would fail an OSHA inspection...If you've never thought about it before, we provide you with ...

I Don't Want to Call Umbridge the Climax...

24 Nov 2021

Contributed by Lukas

Chapter 12: Professor Umbridge - Chinese food is on its way and we're adding liquor to our alcohol...This podcast was almost called "Have a Biscuit, P...

Sickeningly Saccharine - featuring Brian O. Jackson

17 Nov 2021

Contributed by Lukas

Chapter 11: The Sorting Hat's New Song -We made it to the start of term feast!!! The Sorting Hat has upped its game this year. We complain about Pink ...

The Sirius Thing to Do - Featuring Brian O. Jackson

10 Nov 2021

Contributed by Lukas

Chapter 10: Luna Lovegood - IT IS TIME ❤️ We finally get to meet Qwen Luna and we are so happy! We play the worst game ever and Brian ana Tara eat...

The OGOotP

04 Nov 2021

Contributed by Lukas

Chapter 9: The Woes of Mrs. Weasley - Just so everyone is aware, Chapter 8 is very important to Tara...Shout-out to Ashley... basically because we lov...

Fry-Rolled 3 Times

27 Oct 2021

Contributed by Lukas

Chapter 8: The Hearing -Pink Bitch sighting!!! We got the egg rolls and Dumble's got the flourish. Madam Bones is Qwen and Fudgepacker is still the wo...

Magical Orifices

20 Oct 2021

Contributed by Lukas

Chapter 7: The Ministry of Magic- Adam's life is filled with entirely too many meetings. Zoom recordings are not ideal. Being a mom is not for either ...

Puppysaurus - featuring Peggy Newton & Stephanie Malfara

13 Oct 2021

Contributed by Lukas

Welcome to our first special episode of the season! Joining us are Stephanie and Peggy, who are two of our favorite people, even though they've never ...

Doxy Detoxy

06 Oct 2021

Contributed by Lukas

Chapter 6: The Most Noble and Ancient House of Black - They clean the house. 🤷‍♀️

Low Blow

29 Sep 2021

Contributed by Lukas

Chapter 5: The Order of the Phoenix - Adam knows French. Tara knows French...kinda.Anyway, it's dinner time and Fred and George are immature (but fun...

Whose Cat is That?

22 Sep 2021

Contributed by Lukas

Chapter 4: Number Twelve, Grimmauld Place - Angsty Harry is here! But also, Ron and Hermione are AMAZING friends and they let Harry take out his frust...

You Got Both Your Buttockses?

15 Sep 2021

Contributed by Lukas

Chapter 3: The Advance Guard - We really wanted Tonks to guest star on this episode because she's basically just like us, but all we could get was Ada...

Effin' Love It

08 Sep 2021

Contributed by Lukas

Chapter 2: A Peck of Owls - Tara and Adam fail at clinking glasses. Harry gets lots of letters. Vernon is angry (also he eats mayonnaise from the jar ...

Living With Dishrags

01 Sep 2021

Contributed by Lukas

Chapter 1: Dudley Demented - WE ARE BACK AND WE ARE BACK ON OUR BULLSHIT!That's right. Drinking and swearing and making stupid jokes...did you miss us...

Cutting Room Floor Part Deux - The Remix

28 Jul 2021

Contributed by Lukas

...just....ridiculous.No, we will never get our shit together...

Harry is the One Who Does the Doing- with Brian O. Jackson

21 Jul 2021

Contributed by Lukas

Well, we read 4 books. And this one was a long book. We're actual scholars and you should be impressed. Brian is back (because OF COURSE) and we go ov...

Terrible and Wonderful at the Same Time

15 Jul 2021

Contributed by Lukas

Chapter 37: The Beginning - Tara has the good snacks. Dumble is great in this chapter until he's not. Poliakoff gets justice; Hermione gets revenge. D...

Are You a Good Ass or a Bad Ass? - Featuring Ashley Frederick Brubaker

07 Jul 2021

Contributed by Lukas

Chapter 36: The Parting of the Ways - The time has come...Adam finally gets to drink wine from Ashley's hands!!!! We have another Ravenclaw in the hou...

The Mood is Correct, the Moody is Not

01 Jul 2021

Contributed by Lukas

Chapter 35: Veritaserum- In which we discuss the one scene the movie does well and over-analyze just how fucked up the Crouch family is...

99 Problems but a Snitch Ain't One - featuring SO MANY bitches

23 Jun 2021

Contributed by Lukas

The 100th episode of BASIC SNITCHES is HERE!!!! Featuring Brian O. Jackson, Olivia Petrey, Olivia King and Stephen Ostertag with our new favorite mugg...

Fetus Floating Over Albania

16 Jun 2021

Contributed by Lukas

Chapter 34: Priori Incantatem - As if Harry hasn't had enough trauma, Voldy challenges him to a duel and he now has to think about those terrible days...

Tiny Hands

10 Jun 2021

Contributed by Lukas

Chapter 33: The Death Eaters - He had to hold out til Act IV, but Voldy finally gets his soliloquy. Melodrama at its finest.

The Hardest Cake I've Ever Made - Featuring Olivia King and Olivia Petrey

02 Jun 2021

Contributed by Lukas

Chapter 32: Flesh, Blood and Bone - The Olivias are BACK and OK dazzles us all with her reading of the brilliantly written chapter summary by OP.Y'all...

Highly Combustible - Featuring Olivia King and Olivia Petrey

26 May 2021

Contributed by Lukas

Chapter 31: The Third Task - THE OLIVIAS ARE HERE! It's a wild ride with Gryffindor vs Slytherin. Two Olivias. Two Snitches. Y'all aren't ready. Anywa...

Thought Menagerie

19 May 2021

Contributed by Lukas

Chapter 30: The Pensieve - Why does Dumbledore insist on leaving Harry alone in his office? So much information to download here with these memories.....

Good Times for Voldemort

12 May 2021

Contributed by Lukas

Chapter 29: The Dream - NOT good times for Harry. Ron is usually an idiot, but he definitely knows his family. Hermione continues to be the greatest....

Squash that Bug

05 May 2021

Contributed by Lukas

Chapter 28: The Madness of Mr. Crouch - We found the wine and fixed our NPR problem. It is important to know that we are not boring. Rita is no longer...

Everyone at This School Can't Decide if it's Okay to Have Emotions

28 Apr 2021

Contributed by Lukas

Chapter 27: Padfoot Returns- Tara has a COMFY (SPONSOR US). Snape is the worst. Buckbeak is amazing. Karkaroff sucks. Hermione is badass. Emotions are...

Doomspiraling - Featuring Special Guest Roxana Bell

21 Apr 2021

Contributed by Lukas

Chapter 26: The Second Task - We welcome Ravenclaw Roxana Bell to the show today! Also we play the "Snape's a dick drinking game". Harry Potter is Vir...

Perv-Ghost

14 Apr 2021

Contributed by Lukas

Chapter 25: The Egg and the Eye - Just a reminder that Cedric is a nice guy. No privacy for Harry. Anywhere. Sorry dude. Also, did Moaning Myrtle hau...

There's an Egg in this Book

07 Apr 2021

Contributed by Lukas

Chapter 24: Rita Skeeter's Scoop - This chapter is basically just a reminder that Rita Skeeter and Malfoy are trash humans. Percy and unicorns are BFF...

This House is Filled with Single People - Featuring Special Guest Stephen Ostertag

31 Mar 2021

Contributed by Lukas

Chapter 23: The Yule Ball Stephen is here! We discuss gift giving, why Ravenclaws are (often) assholes (again), and the drama of being a teenager. If ...

Don't Eat a Soufflé , Fatty

24 Mar 2021

Contributed by Lukas

Chapter 22: The Unexpected Task. Chinese cookies are harsh, man.

Tickle the Pear

17 Mar 2021

Contributed by Lukas

Chapter 21: The House Elf Liberation Front - We are renaming every book in this series as "Harry Potter and that Time He Didn't Get Dead". Honestly, ...

What Should We Do For Our 100th Episode?

13 Mar 2021

Contributed by Lukas

Literally just here to ask what you all want to hear us do for our 100th episode... 😁

Butt Soup

11 Mar 2021

Contributed by Lukas

Chapter 20: The First Task. There are DRAGONS!!! Does anything else matter

The Firehead Conversations

03 Mar 2021

Contributed by Lukas

Chapter 19: The Hungarian Horntail... We drink lots of wine in this episode. We found some snacks to go with the wine. Anyway, Harry is stress...

Properties of the Woods

25 Feb 2021

Contributed by Lukas

Chapter 18: The Weighing of the Wands. Time for dick jokes, friends... literally, that's the whole episode. You're welcome?

calmly

20 Feb 2021

Contributed by Lukas

Chapter 17: The Four Champions - Apparently Crouch and Bagman are the same person...Snape is around for no reason... AGAIN...and Gambon-dore does not ...

Flamer Cup - Featuring Brian O. Jackson

11 Feb 2021

Contributed by Lukas

Chapter 16: The Goblet of Fire Brian is back! Look, we like to give the fans what they want and we know that what you want is MORE BRIAN! So this b...

Imma Imperio Myself

04 Feb 2021

Contributed by Lukas

Chapter 15: Beauxbatons and Durmstrang- Basically this episode is about how amazing Madame Maxime is... I guess we talk about other stuff...but mostly...

Gonna Avada Kadavra Avada Kadavra

28 Jan 2021

Contributed by Lukas

Chapter 14: The Unforgivable Curses- Adam starts us out with a little vampin'...we discuss school curriculum, Fake Moody's intentions and we FMK the u...

Squeeze My Plants

22 Jan 2021

Contributed by Lukas

Chapter 13: Mad-Eye Moody- Tune in for some classy correspondence with Stephen and Ashley... also Professor Sprout is basically the best.