Bertcast
Something’s Burning: A Lot of Clickbait-y Topics with Jim + Nikki Norton | S4 E22
Tue, 28 Jan 2025 20:00:00 -0000
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Comedian Jim Norton and his wife stop by my kitchen for a sampling of skewers, some kimchi fried rice, and more s*x talk than I usually chat about. Sounding and latex are top of the list. 2Bears5K is BACK and we’re bringing a GUEST BEAR! Join Bert, Tom, and Jelly Roll for the 2nd annual 2bears5k. Get off the couch, grab your running shoes, and meet the Bears on May 4th in Tampa, FL. Register NOW at https://2bears5k.com Follow Jim Norton: https://www.instagram.com/jimnorton Follow Nikki Norton: https://www.instagram.com/msnikkinorton This episode is brought to you by Cornbread Hemp. Head to https://cornbreadhemp.com/BURNING and use code BURNING at checkout. SUBSCRIBE so you never miss a video https://bit.ly/3DC1ICg Shirts vs. Skins with Nikki Glaser, Tony Hinchcliffe and Adam Ray as Dr. Phil during THE BIG GAME WEEKEND in New Orleans February 8 https://www.ticketmaster.com/bert-kreischer-shirts-vs-skins-with-new-orleans-louisiana-02-08-2025/event/1B00615EF5BB59D3 Double Down Las Vegas March 21 and 22 https://www.axs.com/series/25430/bert-kreischer-artist For upcoming TOUR DATES: http://www.bertbertbert.com/tour Catch me on NETFLIX For all things BERTY BOY PRODUCTIONS: https://bertyboyproductions.com For MERCH: https://store.bertbertbert.com/ Skewers with Kimchi Fried Rice Shrimp Teriyaki Kabobs * 6 bacon slices cut into thirds * 1 LBS raw shrimp * 8 oz package baby bella mushrooms * 16 cubed fresh pineapple * 1 tsp garlic pepper seasoning * ½ honey teriyaki sauce * 12 slices of bacon 1. Let shrimp marinade in teriyaki sauce for 12 hours 2. Thread bacon wrapped shrimp with peppers, mushrooms, and pineapple then sprinkle with garlic seasoning 3. Grill about 8—10 minutes, flipping occasionally. Brush honey teriyaki sauce halfway through cooking. 4. Cook bacon, crumble, and sprinkle on top of shrimp Lamb Lollipops: * 1 LBS lamb chops * 1 cup brown sugar * ½ TBS ground ginger * 3 cloves garlic * ½ cup soy sauce * 1 TBS sambal chili garlic paste * 2 TBS EVOO 1. Whisk brown sugar, ginger, garlic, soy sauce, and sambal. Marinade pork chops in this for 4-6 hours. 2. Cook pork chops in oil over medium-heat. Bring extra marinade to rolling boil in sauce pan, should become thick and syrup-like. Brush this over chops after they have cooked. Miso Black Cod Skewers: * ½ cup mirin * ½ cup sake * 2/3 cup miso paste * 2/3 cup cane sugar * 2 Cod filets 1. Boil the mirin and sake for 3 minutes 2. Add in sugar, miso then cook for a few minutes making sure it does not boil. Then let cool. 3. Cube fish into small bite sized pieces then pour cooled mixture over fish. Let marinate for 6 hours. 4. Broil the fish for around 7 minutes. Suya Beef Stickers: * 2 rib eye steaks * ¼ cup roasted peanuts * 1 TBS garlic powder * 1 TBS onion powder * 1 ½ tsp smoked paprika * 1 TBS white pepper * 1 TBS cayenne pepper * 1 TBS hot ground pepper * 1 TBS chicken bouillon * 2 TBS vegetable oil * Salt to taste 1. Preheat oven to 450 and lightly spray cooking sheet with oil. 2. Peel roasted peanut and grind them, careful not to turn them into a paste. 3. Mix garlic powder, onion powder, paprika, white pepper, cayenne, hot ground pepper, bullion, and ground peanuts. 4. Add 2 TBS oil onto sliced beef and half of the spice mixture. Let sit for an hour. 5. Rub the steak into the remaining spice mixture, add to skewers, drizzle with oil, then grill for about 3-5 minutes each side until cooked. Kimchi-Fried Rice * 2 cups cooked rice * ¼ cup water * 1 cup chopped kimchi * ¼ cup kimchi juice * 2-3 TBS gochujang * 3 tsp toasted sesame oil * 1 tsp vegetable oil * 1 TBS roasted sesame seeds * Furikake 1. Heat oil in pan and stir fry kimchi 2. Add pre-cooked rice, kimchi juice, water, and gochujang to pan and stir well. 3. Remove from heat and add sesame oil, sprinkle with sesame seeds and furikake Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
Chapter 1: What can we expect from the 2 Bears 5K?
Last year, so many of you joined us for the 5K, and it was the most amazing experience in person and virtually. It was so much fun that we are bringing it back. This time, it's in Tampa.
May 4th, we are bringing the whole crew back, including Jelly Roll. Me, Tom, Jelly Roll, listen. If you don't think you can do it, Tommy, tell them they can do it. You can do it. We can do it. We did it.
Look at us. It's not that crazy. You can do it. You just have to try a little bit. Go to 2bears5k.com to register. And thank you to Spartan for helping us produce and put this on. And everybody at YMH and Birdie Boy. We are so excited. We will see you May 4th in Tampa for the next 2 Bears 5K.
And I can't wait for Baker Mayfield to verbally commit. He's coming? He's definitely coming. Great ass on that guy. So far, only two Chatterbait ones. Yep, just two. Chatterbait's clickbait, baby. I'm telling you. I know. You believe me? I accidentally clicked on it and stayed for five years. Here we go.
Dude, have you been to those states where they go, you have to show your ID to get onto Pornhub? Yes, Texas. Texas, right?
Yeah. Who? What animal puts in their driver's license and sets up an account? Do you know what just showed up in my thread the other day? I don't know how it got there. I don't know how it got in my algorithm. Sounding. Do you know what sounding is? Of course I know what sounding is.
It's when you open the penis hole and you put in, and they get incrementally larger. They're like little metal tubes and it expands the penis hole. I watched a guy smoke a cigarette like that out of his cock. Weird. But the cock hole is a very sensitive area. Dominatrix do that.
They'll put the... But have you ever... Like, in college, I had to get tested for whatever. And I remember the guy told me, he goes, hold on to the bench. This is going to hurt. And I was like, I'm good. And he was like, mm-mm. And when he put it in, I was like, I don't think I've ever felt a fucking pain like that in my life.
Was it a, because I've had that too, either for syphilis or gonorrhea, it's like a Q-tip, and they put it in the hole and they go, and they spin it a little bit. So yeah, it's very, very uncomfortable. Yeah. You quit drinking, right? No. You want a glass of wine? I would love to. Hey, we're two. Fuck yeah. I'm so glad you're back on my team. Thank you, Bert.
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Chapter 2: What is sounding and why is it discussed?
And since we're cooking, you know, in gastronomy, you've got to have drinks with the meal. Yes. And, you know, I think drinking is very important. In Europe, they drink to every meal. The queen had one cocktail every day because she died. So every Wednesday. To every meal she had. A gin and tonic. Oh, is that what she had? Yeah.
And I, by the way. I tether to that so much. Like Winston Churchill every morning woke up with a soft scotch. Scotch and soda, eggs, coffee, orange juice, jam and toast, paper, in bed, cigar, every morning. Then got in the bath with a pint of champagne. A pint of champagne. And then he'd chill, walk around the garden, go to lunch, have another pint of champagne.
At four, he'd have a cognac, take a nap at five, and then he'd drink hard at night. And I was like, that's the fucking guy.
But we only see the moments of him that they show. Back then, they didn't have, like, you don't see two o'clock in the afternoon, Churchill on the toilet, shitting blood, yelling, did Hitler call? You only see the moments that they showed you. You don't see, like, the bad health, the vomiting, the fights with his wife, or any of the stuff that probably happened to him. I'm very pro-pro-alcohol.
Very pro-alcohol. I am. I think it's, I think, I think, I said, I got, you know, it's so funny, I had a speech that, whatever, I was on a podcast with Tommy. I'm talking shit. Everyone should know, if I'm speaking, it's just to make you laugh. It's my only thing. Yeah. And I just said, if you're thinking about quit drinking, don't. It's not you, it's not the alcohol, it's you. It's you, yeah.
And I had some hardcore blowback from a couple, especially comedians, that were- Really? Yeah. I love you, Bert, but I would never take my sobriety advice from you. I've known you for 20 years, and no matter how much you drink, I still love you. But I would never say, well, if Bert's doing it, I should do it.
You've got to do your own thing. It's the same thing with Joe with the ivermectin. I go, I love Joe, but I'm not taking vaccine advice from Joe. No, I would, unless he would have me on the podcast. In fact, I actually would. But what if sobriety is not even a real thing? Maybe it's just people with bad impulse control, and drinking is not the problem. It's their impulse control.
edit both those out, both in recovery. And both of them at different points in different, totally different separate situations said to me, you know, I haven't jerked off in like three days. And I was like, what? And they were like, yeah, I've been jerking off like four or five times a day. And I was like, okay, I've never jerked off that much. And I jerk off.
That's what you mean when Jim's gone. But it's like, so the problem isn't just the drugs and alcohol. It's this problem. It's compulsion. It's compulsion. It's dopamine. It's like when you're jerking off watching porn, you're like your own dopamine administrator. And you're just like a little chimp working the fucking lever. That's all it is. It's just getting yourself high.
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Chapter 3: How do you cook a perfect steak?
Chapter 4: What are the health benefits of kimchi?
It's just, this is what I deal with. I have to hear about how good Norwegian chocolate is. You give me a chopping board, cutting board? How Hershey's is like somebody... Wait, oh, because your chocolate is probably fucking high end over there. It's much better. What are you cutting? Uh, kimchi. Have you ever had kimchi fried rice? What is kimchi? No.
I've heard of it, but I don't think I've ever heard of it. Kimchi is a... Is this good? Yes. Kimchi is a... It's cabbage. Cabbage, garlic, onion, I think, that's buried in a pot. Fermented. Fermented, but they bury it in a pot in Korea. And they cover it with this, like, paste, and then they bury it in a pot, tighten it up, and then it ferments, and it's so good for your fucking pot.
Is it rotting like that fucking lutefisk fish? Yeah, kind of, yeah. I've actually had kimchi once. One time I met, can I say this? Yeah, of course. I met a North Korean diplomat. No fucking way. And his wife came over and they served kimchi. Was it good? Yeah, I think so. Here, try it, try it. I just want to smell it. I can't. The smell's not the selling point. Not bad, not bad.
Are you heating it? Yeah, I'm going to heat it. Can I eat it? Yeah, of course, yeah. What is that you're eating, a piece of cabbage? It's very good. It's cabbage, and it's really good for you. It's really good. Is it good for you? Is it spicy? It's really good for you. A little bit, but not that bad. I mean, I should just try it and shut my fucking mouth. I really am being annoying.
That's good. Oh, that's good. Yeah. And where do you have it in rice? It's fucking wildly good in rice. I love it. Here's what freaks me out about cooking. How do you get everything to be warm at the same time? That is my OCD. Yeah. So I have... Oh, I have fucking lollipops in there. That would drive me crazy.
So what I do is I time it out. So I set the oven at 450. Mmm. And... What I'm going to do is I'm going to put the shrimp in first. I'm going to cook these on here. I'm going to sear these on here. I'm going to put the cod takes very little time to cook. Seven minutes. So I kind of time it out so that everything comes out of the side. So right now rice can sit forever.
So right now I'm going to make the rice. My cod always falls apart. How do you cook the cod? In the oven? So that's why I've skewered it. I've skewered it on here so that hopefully it'll stay together. And I try to broil it. So right now I go to this. This is good. And then I'm gonna put all of this in, right? Nope, just the kimchi first. Just the kimchi first? Oh yeah.
Little... That's actually very tasty. It is. I love kimchi. I love kimchi. I love kimchi. I didn't want to like this, and what you described, it sounded hideous. They should change the Wikipedia for this, because it's actually very tasty. It's kind of addictive, and it's really healthy. It's actually good.
You know what Jim really hates? What's that? Is when he gets bok choy. Bok choy fucking stinks. It's like a wet sock. Yeah, it sucks. Bok choy never delivers the way you want it to. Bok choy is fucking angry. Yeah, it's a terrible food. Bok choy sounds like a Korean action star. Bok choy, yeah. Can I ask you a weird question? And by the way, we can edit anything out. You can ask me anything.
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Chapter 5: How does alcohol influence relationships?
And then we're going to put these in here. And hopefully everything will come out roughly around the same time. I love lamb. I love lamb, too. It's my favorite meat. I love it. I love lamb. I can always have lamb. And how long... How do you know how long everything takes to cook?
You know, that's the hardest part about all this is it's all feel. It's like just kind of watching it, and then with meat, it's touching it. And the whole thing is like a fist versus like this is what medium rare is, and this is what well done is. And it's just doing it enough. How do you prefer your meat? Medium rare. What about you guys? Medium well, yeah.
Done. That's actually easier and takes way less stress off me. Because you'll, like, Kylie's dad, if it's not medium rare, he just won't eat it. He'll walk away and make a sandwich in front of you. Wow. Yeah. Do you know who I've been watching unironically? Julia Child. I subscribed to PBS to watch her very first, I'm on season two now. Yeah.
Oh, you're going to make a bullet. She's wonderful. If you have time, you should watch, if you haven't, watch Julia Child. Julia Child. She's watching the original black and white episodes. It makes me furious. I love her.
Do you know who she is? Of course. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's almost kind of sexy. Yeah. It's like the black and white. It's like, you remember Yul Hauser? No. Yul Hauser was, you remember Yul Hauser? Yul Hauser was, he was a, he was a travel host in, just in LA, in California. And he'd be like, well, hey, I'm here. This is heck, this is golly, this is fun. And you got a vineyard? In here?
Well, you gotta tell me about... That's actually a great... I am horrible at impressions. That is a balls-on Huell Houser impression. Well, golly, this is crazy. Well, show me everything. All right, let's go.
I already like him more than Julia Childs. Just from your impression of him. He reminds me of my childhood. Like, when she has that on, I think my mother would watch that crap. My grandmother liked it. It's horrible. Do you know that Julia Childs was taller than me? No. She's a giant brood of a woman. And Jim said one time, she's kind of sexy. I probably was kidding. She's not very sexy.
Man, I'll tell you what. My wife's like a little person, but there is something sexy about like, have you ever seen Gabby Reese? Do you have a basketball player? No, no, volleyball. Oh. Married to Laird Hamilton. I'm sure you probably interviewed her at some point. She is 6'2", 6'3", and there's just something beautiful about her. I mean, she's beautiful as it is.
I shouldn't say she's beautiful, but her size is fucking remarkable.
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Chapter 6: What are the different views on sobriety?
Oh, thank you. I told you that when I saw you at Joe's Club. I was like, dude, you are going in the right direction. Thank you, man. This smells really like... This legitimately smells good. All right. And then steak. And we should be.
And do you do a thing where you'll start eating one thing and then just kind of let the other stuff heat because you've already started the process? Or do you wait until it's all done? I wait until it's all done. And then I. These fucking skewers are the shit. Yeah. I mean, I think more things should be on skewers. It's so good. So what I'll do right now is start plating.
Don't they get hot, though, like where you can't touch them? Was that an idiot question? Is that what a fucking blithering idiot says at a table? Is there anything you wanted that, I don't know, I'm asking this loudly. Is there anything that you wanted to do that you're like, nobody will go for this?
No, I think, I don't know. That's hard for me to answer. What's something you would jerk off to that you would be embarrassed about? I'll tell you one perfect one. I had a dream about Leanne as a dominatrix. And she was in latex. And I woke up and I went on Amazon and I bought the outfit. I bought the outfit and then when the outfit showed up and I saw it, I was embarrassed.
I was like, oh yeah, my bad. How do I ask her to put this on? I got two sizes, because I didn't know what size she was going to be. And when she saw it, she goes, what the fuck is this? And I was like, it's the thing I, remember I was like, told you I was like, she was like, yeah, I don't know if I'm this girl. That's cute. And I was like. I love that.
Well, the sizes, you better err on the side of caution. Like, you get a small and a medium. I got a medium and a large. OK. Does she wear it? It's really aggressive. It's really aggressive. Does it have cutouts? No. Okay. It's got a zipper from here all the way up the back. I like that. Jim, me too. Me too. I'm a fan of the zipper. I was a big fan.
Yeah. Yeah, I don't blame you. Those are real. I like things like with the crotch cutout, like just really exposing dirty things. It fucking drives me crazy. I fucking love it. I love it. I love it. And... A lot of people think that me and Jim have filthy sex just because he is so sexual. But out of all the guys I've been with, I have the most normal sex with Jim.
Yeah, it's really weird for me too. Really? I guess because we're married and she turns me on. Even before that, when we first met, it was always vanilla-ish. Kind of, yeah. Which I'm fine with. I did think the thought, just because Jim has been with so many prostitutes, that... I thought the thought that if he had AIDS, would I still marry him? And I probably don't think so.
Okay. Can I tell you? I sometimes wish Leanne had herpes. Because I go, now we're committed forever. Yeah, you're not going anywhere. You're not going anywhere.
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Chapter 7: How do you embrace your personal quirks?
Oh, yeah, that's not a wife duty.
My mom comes in, and I go, Mom? She goes, what's up? I said, Mom, I shit all over the walls in the bathroom. I need you to clean it. And my mom goes, honey, I got it. And my mom walked into the bathroom, came back, and goes, I don't see it. I said, what? She goes, I don't see it. It's not in there. And I was like... Like immaculate diarrhea. Like I show on the walls and it just disappeared.
I don't know what happened to it. Did Leanne clean it? I don't know. Was it in the ceiling? No, no. It might have been on the ceiling. It was on the ceiling. And everyone's like, I don't see it. I don't see it. It's just sitting there like fucking alien in the movie. Yeah, no. I never know. And then Leanne got sick. My daughters got sick. Everyone got sick that Aspen.
Did you ever go to Aspen? I did, and I went to Vail before Aspen was a festival. For real? The Vail Comedy Festival, yeah. Voss in Aspen, I love this.
Voss had to follow Carlin, and he was so nervous that he couldn't breathe. They had to give him oxygen, which makes me so happy that there's this big shot to follow Carlin, and he's just too frightened to do it. So he had to sit there and breathe in an oxygen mask. I get it. I get it. I quit spitting into it. I couldn't.
I didn't mean to. Yeah, Vale was fun. That's where I met Doug Stanhope. For real? He was my roommate in the Vale Comedy Festival in 1995. We shared a room together. And he was so crazy. He kept all of his possessions on the bed with him. I was so, like he would empty his suitcase and he would be on the bed and all of his stuff was on the bed. It was just such a strange. I do that. Why?
In a hotel, I keep everything on the bed with me. Are you afraid of bugs touching it? No, no, no, no. I just, I like to organize it on the bed and then I like to put my arm over it like it's another pillow. But aren't you worried about bed bugs? I don't put a fucking thing on the bed. Do you sleep like that with your hand over the pillow?
Over something. I need a girlfriend. Me too. King size. I love that. Leanne calls it a girlfriend. I need a pillow. Like when we sleep, I sleep with like six pillows. And I have pillows in between me and Leanne. I wrap my arm around it. I'm like hardcore like that. Can you sleep with someone's arm around you or your arm around her? Yeah. I can't be touched either.
Leanne, if she cuddles up with me, like sometimes she'll cuddle up to go to sleep and like for whatever reason she, I don't know. whatever reason that you do that. Yeah. And I just sit there and go. I'll tell her I don't want to be touched. She likes to cuddle when we sleep. I can't blame you. We don't cuddle. I know, but you want to. Like, you can sleep with somebody. I can fall asleep cuddling.
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