“Crying shows us what really matters to us” - The Power of Crying with Dr Tony Bates
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What is the main topic discussed in this episode?
Clinical psychologist and author Tony Bates, good afternoon. Hello Brendan. So Tony, we're going to talk about crying today, right? There's no gloss we can put on it. But like the power of what we oddly call a good cry, like I think you've had a fascination with crying even as a kind of a therapeutic tool in mental health for a long time, haven't you?
Well, I have great respect for crying. You know, I think of those lines of Chris Martin and when tears come streaming down our face. Tears come streaming down our face when we lose something we cannot replace. I think we've all had those moments and we often look at them as moments that we're embarrassed about or we're uncomfortable with or we feel we were perhaps a little immature. But actually, what if we were to see them as moments when we really come to our senses and see tears as revealing what really matters to us? OK, OK. So let's break some of that down. Do you cry much, by the way? I'm kind of a closet crier, probably. I just keep it hidden. And I would need to feel really safe with someone to cry.
But I have cried. And occasionally I've had moments of crying in a very unwanted way while giving a keynote address, you know, in front of an audience and just... suddenly finding myself overcome because I was talking about something or someone maybe who with whom I felt a deep resonance and I realized I was talking about a bit of myself that I'd forgotten or tried to push away and the tears came and it was I remember talking to children in hospital organization and kids in hospital I was in hospital but it it didn't I didn't make the connection very well until I was talking and then suddenly I just started to cry and I I was able to turn it around I remember saying you know this is how it hurts and this is how it can last and this is why you're doing what you're doing.
What does Dr Tony Bates mean by 'tears reveal what really matters'?
It's great. Keep doing it. You're looking after kids in hospital because it can be a very... Well, it's a much more kinder experience for children now. It's never easy, but it's much better.
So why... You said first, though, you're a closet crier. Why do we hide it?
Why do we hide it? I think... I think we hide a lot of how we feel. And I think actually one of the really difficulties about mental health problems or emotional suffering generally is that we feel very alone at the heart of it all. You know, we're very alone and we are unable to break out of that aloneness. And we think if people saw us in that space, they'd be very disappointed in what we are, that we're not stronger, that we're not cooler. That were weak. That were weak, yeah, that were fragile. And I think our tears reveal really a truth about us that we'd prefer to keep hidden. And, yeah, I think they reveal what we're missing in our life. They reveal what we've lost, someone, something. They reveal what we're...
you know, what we've been carrying for a long time and maybe need to let go. So they do show us where we're at and they show other people where we're at.
Okay, and we don't always want to show other people where we're at. Do men hide it more than women, do you think? We're more conditioned not to cry.
Big boys don't cry, really. I mean, unless they don't even go there, they never have any of those kind of things happen to them.
Yeah, yeah.
They're fine. No, you know, it's so stupid, isn't it? It's so silly that we think about the sexes in this way. I suppose there's all kinds of historical reasons, but I mean, I have found it... I find it very upsetting, more upsetting sometimes and more surprising, more surprising if a man cries. I still, even having been with hundreds and thousands of people who cried, it's always something of a surprise and something of a delight when they do. I'm not afraid of it, but it just, it comes as a surprise. So people who... You know there's people who probably say, oh, I never cry. Yeah, yeah. Do you worry about that? Very much. Yeah. Yeah. Because I... You know, because you only... That only works if you're kind of shut down a bit.
I do know somebody who doesn't cry a lot and has a real heart and feel.
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Chapters
5 chapters
1
What is the main topic discussed in this episode?
0:00–2:06
2
What does Dr Tony Bates mean by 'tears reveal what really matters'?
2:06–10:37
3
Why do people hide their tears and feel embarrassed to cry?
10:37–15:52
4
Do men cry less than women and why does that matter for mental health?
15:52–24:19
5
How is crying connected to childhood instincts and social conditioning?
24:19–30:22