Richard Hogan: “Too many feel their boundaries should never be breached”
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What is the main topic discussed in this episode?
Psychotherapist Richard Hogan, welcome. Thank you, Brendan. So Richard, it's kind of all related. We're going to talk about boundaries today. What do we mean by boundaries?
Yeah, that's a great question because I think people have such the wrong idea. It's become a thing now, hasn't it?
What are boundaries and why are they important?
Boundaries, yeah. It's all about walling people out and about how you force people to respect you. And it's not that at all. For me, boundaries. When I was listening to that Elizabeth Stroud interview, I thought it was beautiful. And she was quoting Jung saying about loneliness doesn't come from not being surrounded by people. It comes from you being able to communicate what matters to you. And the way I see it around boundaries is that deep loneliness doesn't come from not having people around you. It's the extent to which you can be known by the people around you. To be known. Exactly. That's the key part.
It's kind of seen and heard. Exactly. But to be known.
To be known. And that's so important because how we're known comes through our boundaries. So it's about how we let people in. Because people always think boundaries are about like, you know, a wall. They always think it's about like, you know, stopping things and forcing people to... to respect your... It's not about that at all. It's about a way of being consistently in the world so that we protect our well-being, our time. I mean, my energy, jeez. That wasn't something I needed to protect in my teenage years, in my twenties. But by God, in the last number of years, it's something I have to protect my energy. And so a boundary around that is really important. It's about protecting values, you know, about being safe.
So our boundaries are actually positive things.
How do boundaries relate to communication and loneliness?
Protecting our values, that's an interesting one. It's a really important thing. So you end up in situations where... For sure. You go along with things or whatever, yeah, and actually... It's corrosive a bit.
And you're going home, you say, I shouldn't have been a part of it. I shouldn't have allowed the conversation to go. I should have had a bit more authenticity about ourselves. And so it's about being authentic and all the rest of it. And so that's the key thing about boundaries. They're not about you trying to govern someone else. They're about how you govern yourself. So they're about the demonstration of self-respect, really. And then you get known, you know, that's how you're known then. You know what I mean?
So your boundaries are not about protecting your authentic self. They are actually about expressing your authentic self.
How you allow people to see your authentic self. Absolutely, that's it.
That's the distinction. It's an important one. So describe to me what somebody with good boundaries looks like.
It's really interesting because I think about this a lot and I write about this a lot. A person with good boundaries says yes when they mean it. And they say no when they mean it. So they're much more easier to understand. I love people who push back against me on things and don't agree with me on things. Because I know you're real now. Because if you're agreeing with everything, you're saying yes to everything. I have no map for you. I can't understand you because I don't know what you really feel here. So a person who has real boundaries... It's not like the image you could have as Vinnie Jones is tough. It's not that at all. Real boundaries are kind of boring and dull and unseen and subtle and all that.
And they're the kind of things where you say yes to things you want to do and no to things you don't. You don't overly explain yourself when you have good boundaries. And you don't take on the feelings of other people. You know what I mean? And particularly my work, you know, you don't take on the other people's emotions or other people's emotions. They can't be my emotions. But as a human being, that can't be the way either, because I'll be that sponge that gets drowned in other people's emotions. And so someone with good boundaries understands that people can have discomfort.
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Chapters
7 chapters
1
What is the main topic discussed in this episode?
0:00–0:14
2
What are boundaries and why are they important?
0:14–1:27
3
How do boundaries relate to communication and loneliness?
1:27–4:49
4
What distinguishes authoritative parenting from authoritarian parenting?
4:49–5:52
5
How can you identify someone with healthy boundaries?
5:52–8:59
6
What strategies can help in setting boundaries with difficult individuals?
8:59–14:17
7
How do you communicate boundaries effectively in relationships?
14:17–28:57