Loser Line (9/21/26)
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What is the Loser Line and how does it work?
Hey girl, what's up with you? Wait a minute,
is this
the right number? It's the loser line. Come on, just call me
back! If you haven't heard the loser line before, it works like this. Let's say you're at the information desk at the airport. And the lady sitting there is pretty darn cute. What? So you try this line on her. Uh, excuse me miss, I'm new in town, so could you give me directions to your pants?
This is going to be an airplane joke or something.
Pretty smooth. Whatever you do, don't call the Riz police and have him arrested by the chief Rizzler. Instead, draw him a little treasure map on a napkin, wipe it on your mouth, and tell him to follow the map until he finds that
treasure.
I couldn't
find the pants literally right in front of
him. That's when you give him the number to the loser line, so hopefully he calls it and leaves an awkward voicemail that we can play over the air. Voicemails like this one.
Next message.
Hey,
so I got the feeling that you recognize me from somewhere and that you couldn't quite place it. So don't worry. It's not for a bad reason. I'm not like on a wanted poster or anything. I'm actually the guy from the mattress. You know, the TV commercials. They did a close-up, a shot, you know, as I lay down on the bed and I say, Hey, this Betty's a baddie. So, yeah, I'm the Betty's a baddie guy. I've had a few girls in the past who only wanted to date me because, you know, I'm a former TV celebrity. But hopefully you can put the fame aside and just treat me like a regular guy. You should know I'm not regular everywhere, if you know what I mean. So give me a call if you think you're up for it.
Next message. Okay. Wow.
When he says, I'm not regular everywhere, does he mean his brain or his bowels? What is he talking about?
I think he's talking about something different, but we know it's his brain. We
know it's his feet size. Oh, okay. They wouldn't hire the Betty Batty guy that wasn't, you know, regular. Well built.
Oh, yeah. No wonder the ladies love that commercial.
Yeah, for sure. That thing's got memory foam, too.
Next message. Hi, this is from last night. This is kind of embarrassing, but do you remember what happened after I left the bar? Because I woke up this morning and there were like four DoorDash bags outside of my house. And I checked my app. Apparently I did. order all of them uh but were you with me for any of that because i'm just like i'm trying to figure out why i would have got food from taco bell panda express and wendy's um well i guess i just like ordered a single baked potato with a frosty on it Everything else I kind of understand, but like what mental state was I in when I decided that I needed a 2 a.m. potato frosty? Any of this sounds... familiar.
How do callers create the awkward voicemail for the Loser Line?
Can you please text me or call me? Did I
actually
do that?
I'm excited. Dude, I've heard of dipping fries in a Frosty, but a whole baked potato?
Yeah.
That's next level.
That's how crazy TikTok trends start. In a few months, everyone's going to be ordering the potato Frosty off the secret menu item at Wendy's.
It's a giant spud. Yeah.
Next message. Hey, Tessa, it's Neil from the Blood Drive. It was really cool meeting you today, I got to say. I was pretty impressed when you said you donate like a vampire. That's a lot of blood, a lot of blood. You know what?
Who is the ‘Betty’s a Baddie’ TV commercial guy and why does he call himself a ‘regular’?
I'm a pretty frequent donor as well. The nurse who knows me actually calls my left arm Old Faithful. Yeah, we have fun here. We do. We really
do.
So anyway, if you want to meet up, maybe instead of grabbing a drink, we could book joint appointments together here at the Club Bank. And if the whole donor appointment thing doesn't work for you, we could always just hit the park. We can take a walk and make fun of people with iron deficiencies. Trust me, it's actually shockingly easy to tell. So please let me know and get back to me as soon as you can. All right.
I love the old faithful. When I go to donate blood, there's something that I feel so proud when the nurse is like, oh, you have good veins. I'm like, I
do. You coming on to
me? Tap them.
I like the image of the two of them sitting in a park bench making fun of people with iron
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Chapters
4 chapters
1
What is the Loser Line and how does it work?
0:00–3:30
2
How do callers create the awkward voicemail for the Loser Line?
3:30–4:14
3
Who is the ‘Betty’s a Baddie’ TV commercial guy and why does he call himself a ‘regular’?
4:14–6:52
4
What funny debate erupts over the caller’s brain versus his feet?
6:52–7:22