Why You Don't Trust Anyone Anymore (And How To Change That)
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How do people experience betrayal and what comes first after the shock?
You almost have to get to a place of being able to accept that if I decide that I want to stay, I have to be prepared for the potential that I could get hurt like that again. It may never happen and great, but I have to be prepared for that because there's no guarantees in life. And I also have to trust that I will be okay. I might be devastated, I might be hurt, but that I will be able to continue on in life.
Welcome to But Are You Happy? I'm Ashani Dante. Question. Have you ever been betrayed before? Had your trust broken? Who are we kidding? Most of us have, right? But the hard part is what comes next. Trying to rebuild trust. Not just with the person who broke it, but in yourself too. That gut feeling that tells you whether someone is lying, whether you can actually trust them or not. Today, we're unpacking the psychology of trust with Sarah Bayes. She's a Sydney-based psychotherapist, host of Mamma Mia's relationship podcast, This Is Why We Fight, and founder of Motivated Minds, a counseling practice focused on relationships. We spoke to her for our episode on situationships too. So links are in the show notes.
Sarah works with so many people navigating trust after betrayal, whether that's infidelity, family secrets, or having the rug pulled out from under them. And what she helps them do is rebuild that confidence to trust again, to let people in again and not shut down new connections just because trust has been broken in the past. So join Sarah and I in the But Are You Happy studio for this incredible conversation. Welcome back, Sarah. I'm excited to talk about trust with you. Yes, me too.
Look, I now trust you a lot after our first chat, so I trust that this will go fine. But no, I yeah, this is a big one.
It's a big one. It is a big one. And, you know, for someone listening now who's been deeply betrayed or hurt before, what would you want to say to them right now?
Oh, it's so tough. You know, I think being betrayed or having that, it's so tough. I think having that feeling of being betrayed by someone you really care for, and particularly when it's that blindsided feeling, it is like world shattering often. And it can feel like, how is everything going to come back into place again? It's sort of like your world can break into different pieces and it's like I don't understand how it's going to be back how it was now. And I think the biggest advice from my end is that your world will come back together. It might look the same. It might look slightly different or it might look completely different, but it will come back together. But it's like too soon now for you to be able to try and put it back together.
It's just kind of like, yeah, this is going to hurt and be hard, but it is going to come back together in some way. yeah and it's it's kind of finding that balance between authentically meeting where you're at but also to bring some hope into it because it does feel a bit hopeless when you're in it yeah yeah yeah and i wonder whether there's this sort of like rush to put the pieces back together i just want to kind of whether it's move forward or move away but it's like sitting in that place where it's just oh is hard and this is where most people want to be moving
yeah yeah totally it's interesting you say that because like
i is there an impact on not sitting in it like not allowing ourselves to sit in the hurt yeah big time this is where people will make decisions that aren't really in their best interests or or attuned with what they actually need yeah so let's say it might lead to forgiving someone too quickly not holding somebody accountable or not really thinking about the long term consequences of deciding that this doesn't really matter and maybe minimizing it. Or it can lead to the other side of things where people just cut off. That's it. End a relationship or cut somebody out of their lives. rather than actually sit with and deal with it where it may not have to lead to a cut off. Yeah.
It's interesting because like I think what I'm curious about is like what kinds of hurts do you see most often messing with people's ability to trust again?
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