Chapter 1: What is the main topic discussed in this episode?
What is up, Daddy Gang? It is your founding father, Alex Cooper, with Call Her Daddy. Jay Shetty, welcome to Call Her Daddy.
I'm so grateful to be here.
I am so happy to have you here. I feel like we've become quick podcast friends.
Yes.
Everyone, I went on Jay's show the first, I don't really go on podcasts, and you made me feel so comfortable. So I'm so happy to have you here now at my studio. You're amazing. Keeping the comfortable vibe.
You're amazing. People loved you as always, as expected. But I think people love seeing that side of you. And I'm just so grateful that you gave me that opportunity. So thank you so much.
Well, thank you, because now we're going to learn from the master today. We're going to talk about love. The real reason you're here is you have a new book out, The Eight Rules of Love.
Yes.
I read this and was like, daddy gang, every single person listening today, you are going to learn something because I learned so much from your book. What inspired you to write a book breaking down all things love related?
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Chapter 2: What inspired Jay Shetty to write 'The Eight Rules of Love'?
If you sat alone at the lunch table at school, you were the weirdo. If you're in your 20s or 30s or maybe even 40s and you turn up at a wedding without a plus one, it's like, oh, poor you. And so society is made being alone the victim. And so somehow that's gone inside our minds and we've gone, oh, wait a minute, if I leave this person, that reflects on my self-worth.
And what I want people to understand is the difference between compatibility and self-worth. You may be incompatible with someone, but that doesn't mean that that's a reflection of your self-worth. And so we need to disconnect the idea that just because this person's not right for me doesn't mean I'm bad.
The way you just described that, it's so fascinating to actually, if you dissect the concept of like, you're right, being alone has always been something that you feel shame for. And then I think as we get into our adulthood, we start to realize like, shit, I feel so uncomfortable when I'm alone, but I think that's what I'm supposed to feel the most comfortable with. But how do I achieve that?
Again, back to like, no one taught us that being alone is actually very cool. And it's like the sexiest thing about someone is if you can be good on your own. Yeah. You're going to attract better energy because you are an independent, fully formed human being that's not then attaching yourself to someone else just because you're trying to fill a void or a need.
Throughout the book, you use your own love story with your wife, Roddy, as a reference point for the reader. Where were you at in your life when you met your wife? And how did you grapple with being alone prior to finding your person?
When I met my wife, I hadn't been on a date in probably around three to four years. And then all of a sudden I'm dating this girl that I'm really into. And I go back to all my old habits. So I'm trying to impress her with everything. By the way, I have no money. I'm $25,000 in debt. I don't have a job.
And I'm trying to craft this thing to her that I'm really cool and I have it and I know what I'm doing.
And so what I'm doing is I'm tutoring kids on the side, like students making like 20 pounds an hour from teaching economics to a student at university or college saving up to pay for our dates and then trying to pull off the most expensive epic show off 18 year old dates that I thought were impressive.
Classic.
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Chapter 3: How can being alone improve your relationships?
Maybe it was presence and energy. You just wish they were there at your football game, or you just wish that they showed up to your dance rehearsal or whatever it may have been. What are those gaps that have been left out? I want you to go fill those gaps yourself. I want you to go do each and every one of those for yourself. If your parents didn't compliment you, compliment yourself.
If your parents didn't show up for what you love, show up for what you love. If your parents didn't turn up at your games or whatever it was, make sure you're turning up. Have you given up on your passion because your parents didn't show up for you? And so I want people to fill that gap themselves because what that does is that now when you go meet another human,
You allow them to just be themselves and give you love in the way that they like to show it rather than them trying to figure out how to be your dad or your mom. And I think that that's often what happens is that we become a project and we're looking for someone to fix us.
And what we do is we become broken, hoping that we're going to find a fixer and exhaust the fixer trying to fix us because we're broken from something that they never did.
If you don't fill in those gaps for yourself, back to what you were saying earlier, you're then gonna enter a relationship and want that person to fill the gap for you. And you'll never even know if that's the right person for you.
Because if your gaps were filled, you probably would have a very different compatibility rather than you're finding someone that's like filling your need for compliments, filling your need for this. Well, imagine if that was filled. Would you even be with that person? What would your relationship be like if they didn't have to constantly fill you up in certain areas?
Exactly. And then the gifts part is looking at the same things as what you just said. Like, what were the way your parents loved you or showed you love that you thought were beautiful, that you thought were amazing? And then ask yourself, Is that something that I want or is that something my parents had and it was beautiful for them? But maybe I don't want that.
Like maybe that's not exactly how I want it to be. And when you figure out the gifts that you received, now what you're going to do is when you meet someone, you're going to realize if they give those gifts, that's amazing. But don't. become blind to the other gifts that they want to give you. And I think so often we're like, well, they're not giving me these three things that I really wanted.
And you're missing out on all this amazing stuff that they're giving over here because you don't think that's love. You think love looks like ABC. And if they're giving you X, Y, Z, you're like, no, no, no, but that's not love. This is love. And I think so often we limit how people love us because we put limits on what love looks like to us.
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Chapter 4: What role do our parents play in shaping our relationship choices?
But like, I don't want to talk about it right now. And so I think eventually we got to a point where... We respected that boundary of I know your need and I know my need and let's find compromise. Totally. And it changed the dynamic because what it also allowed us to do is feel safe in the relationship of like, OK, we now have established we know we both care. Yeah.
We are just handling it differently. Totally. And when you know that, like even when I was up in the bedroom, just like
ruminating on something I still knew like I know he's there and he wants to talk and we're both we're gonna figure this out yeah but you have to first acknowledge the difference in how you handle shit before you can actually then actually handle it yeah and it's and that's why I say respect because it's like judging someone for putting their milk before their cereal
Right. And it's like you put your cereal before your milk and you would never be like, oh, I mean, I mean, some people get really passionate about this kind of stuff. But generally, I would think that you wouldn't. But that is exactly how we deal with stress. It's that like it's that example. So. Cereal first, obviously. Yeah, yeah.
Okay, okay. I was just checking. Yeah.
But again, no judgment. No judgment, but cereal first. But like cereal before the milk. But that's what I mean. Like we get so attached to like how we have learned to process emotions. And we think if you don't process emotions like I do, you don't care. You don't love me. We're not in this together. And that's what we just create assumptions out of nothing.
Yeah.
And start pushing the other person away. And I'm like, no, just realize that that person deals with it that way. You deal with it that way and we'll figure it out.
I have one more final question, okay? What is the most common mistake people make in love?
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