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Chapter 1: What is the main topic discussed in this episode?
The Clare Byrne Show on Newstalk with Aviva Insurance.
Parenting teens, it can really feel like a balancing act between giving them the space that they need, but also staying connected with them. So we're going to get some advice now from Dr. Clare Crowe, who's a member of the Psychological Society of Ireland. I don't know where we start, Clare. Where do we start with this?
I think we start with a question I get asked most by parents of teens, which is how do I talk to my teenager? And the answer I give them always shocks them, Clare, because I tell them you don't. Or at least you don't start with a conversation because we tend to want to deep dive in, to fix the distance, to close that gap, to open up the closed doors, to take away the headphones.
But actually, that's not how relationships work. We need to build some elements of fun and engagement and connection back into the relationship. before we can have conversation.
OK, so the big chat is not the place to start.
The big chat is a no. We start with, again, I'm going to shock you now, but we start with play. And why I say... OK, I can see people going, that's going to be difficult. I know, I know, because you're thinking, what, how am I going to have a game with my teenager? I can't get two words from them.
But the truth is, play and games have always been part of our kind of cultural heritages to build connection. So I was thinking I went to an Indian wedding about 20 years ago. I remember being struck by how many games they played at the start of the wedding. And I know that seems like it's for fun, but it's also to break down tension, to build up early trust and connection.
And the reason they did that, of course, in Indian weddings was because the bride and groom didn't know one another. And often for parents, they've reached a point with their teenager where they feel like, I don't quite know you anymore.
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Chapter 2: How can I effectively communicate with my teenager?
So play becomes this really important piece that creates that relationship again. So for parents, I would say, name it. Say to your teenager, I want to spend more time with you. I'd actually like to play a game with you. But two things, let them choose what it is and let it be regular. Because the temptation is they'll choose something really big if it's infrequent. but make it small.
So like make it a game of cards or a board game or a video game, but let them decide it and you join in with them. I had a dad and himself and his son were just really estranged from one another. And when he spoke with them individually, they both really wanted a good relationship. And actually, I will say that I'm 20 years working in paediatrics and CAMHS and I've never come across a teenager
who didn't want a closer relationship with their parent.
They might say they don't, you know, to the parent.
To the parent. But actually, when you kind of go into it, they really want that connection. It's just not the case that people are comfortable with distance, but they don't know how to bridge it. So that's why as a parent we're coming in. So this dad and his son, I recommended, we're going to look at what did they do. But they had two games of FIFA soccer a week. That's where they started.
Now, these guys had no conversation otherwise. And weeks later, I remember we had a review session and, you know, it started off chatting lightly, but they were actually talking about meaningful things over time. While playing the FIFA soccer game. Yeah, but also it's, you know, if you bring joy and fun moments into your relationship, then you can trust that we can take on bigger things as well.
So, you know, it is that thing of, you know, it doesn't need to be a games night. We don't need to Americanize this. But it could be something really small, like let's do something that you choose once a week. Maybe it's kicking a football around or maybe it's like there's gorgeous, like collaborative board games where you can work as teams, like what's called Pandemic or Codenames.
Those kind of games where you're both against the enemy, which is the game. And you're just doing something that feels a little bit at odds to what you usually do. It's a really interesting suggestion.
I'm just wondering how... you get past the point of the teenager just not wanting to engage with that at all. You know, how do you convince them that it is the right thing to do?
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Chapter 3: Why is play important in building a connection with teens?
You kind of have to be doing it to actually start to enjoy it. And like it might be just, you know, throwing a few basketballs in a hoop or whatever it is, let them choose it. And that's why their choice is so important, because at least then you're you're going into their space. You're not saying, oh, God, I hate board games. You're saying, OK.
OK, if this is what brings you fun and enjoyment, I'm going to share in that fun and enjoyment.
It's a bit like an extension of what I think a lot of people will have heard, that the best way to have a conversation is when you're sitting in the car. Yes. Because you're not facing each other and you're doing something else and it happens almost generically.
Yes, that's so true. So, you know, we talk about with our smaller kids, you know, we kneel down for eye contact and we're always kind of connecting with them that way. And of course, suddenly you have a teenager and they're the same height, if not taller than you. And eye contact at a point where you suddenly feel self-conscious is awful.
You do not want to be directly looking at your teenager when they're trying to open up about something that feels very personal or private sideline. So I always think, you know, back and forth to matches or just that space in the car or walking. But generally it's drive time is the time when parents tell me that's when I learned about this, you know, big event.
But the game time then is an extension to that, isn't it? Because you're doing something else.
You're doing something that's fun because you'll often find, parents will say to me, gosh, with, I don't know, with her older sibling, she plays GAA, so I kind of have a thing with her. And then you suddenly have the next child who doesn't have that connection. And actually, it's really about that child where you feel the disconnect, where you feel the distance.
That's where games become something to say, actually, for you, I need to do something different and I need to do it on your terms. I had a mom previously and she She was such a gorgeous mom, but she was really like distant from her daughter. And she went on this really extravagant holiday and did everything her daughter wanted.
She came home and I can honestly tell you, Clare, she could not afford bread. She'd asked someone for a loaf of bread that week. She'd gone to such lengths to build their relationship. But that's not how we build relationship. We build it in these really micro moments over time. That's why I'm saying break it down. Don't have this huge extravagant holiday.
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