Chapter 1: What is the main topic discussed in this episode?
The Clare Byrne Show on Newstalk. With Aviva Insurance.
Now, when a baby arrives, it's not just a new addition. It's a full relationship shake up. Michelle Flynn, psychotherapist and founder of Oncrebiog is with me. Hello, Michelle. Morning, Clare. So we're talking about how everything changes really after a baby arrives. That's particularly true of relationship, right, between mum and dad.
Yeah.
Yeah, definitely, Clare. And this is something I would see in my practice a lot.
Chapter 2: What changes occur in relationships after a baby arrives?
Like, I think there's so much prep that goes in. I mean, even into the wedding, like if you think about the amount of prep and the organisation and then into, you know, pregnancy and birth classes and all of that. But there's actually very little prep that happens for after the baby arrives.
And really, if you think about it, like becoming a parent is one of the biggest shifts that both mum and dad or two mums, two dads have. are going to go through probably in their whole life, right? Like you're a parent, you know, there's like life before. Everything changes. Everything changes. It's like life before, life after.
So, of course, the relationship is going to have a huge seismic shift that happens that we really don't prepare for, I think.
And the novelty in the beginning, you know, you start organising your date nights and all of that. But then as you get busier and as things become normalised.
Yeah.
Your busyness becomes normalised. You can sort of let that drift a little bit.
Yeah, you can. And I think this is where we need to be really intentional in relationships after we have children, because there is less time and priorities start to change, you know. And there's the identity change that happens for mum and dad, you know, the roles change and there might be one partner who's doing more work. or carrying more of what we call the emotional load.
And all of that, you know, it squeezes you. And there's less time for it, not only just for yourself and for your own needs as individuals, but then when it comes to the relationship, often that just kind of gets left behind. And I think, you know, unless there is a concerted effort and a kind of mindful approach to looking after the relationship,
That's where we see, unfortunately, marriages breaking down, separations happening. So it is really important to plan for this time, postpartum or even as the kids get older. How are you going to mind your relationship and nurture it?
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Chapter 3: Why is there little preparation for post-baby relationship dynamics?
There's all of that stuff that happens. But intimacy changes and looks really different when a baby comes along. So it's about the small things, you know, even just when you're sitting together on the couch, maybe just reaching out and holding a hand. That might be enough to create that sense of intimacy again.
Yeah. Rather than, I suppose, internalising everything that is wrong. You know, you didn't get that help in the middle of the night. Therefore, you sort of hold on to that. You don't express it. And things like that end up festering.
Yeah, that's where we get resentment building up. you know, and blame. And I think it's really important that this doesn't become a tit for tat. Like, there's a lot of bargaining that happens. Like, I had the baby last night. You haven't had him in two nights, whatever it is, you know. And it kind of starts to build up. Like, you keep this kind of scorebook nearly of who's doing more.
And that just inevitably leads to emotional resentment and blame. And Like, if we hold on to that, OK, it might feel nice in the moment, having a go at your partner, putting the blame on somebody else.
It's not going to get you anywhere in the long run.
Do you know, yeah, exactly.
And listen, Maternal Mental Health Day is coming up soon. I know you're running a webinar, aren't you, Michelle? Do you want to tell us about that?
Yeah, so I'm running an online webinar. This is a free webinar for anybody who's expecting a baby or in the postpartum period, just around the changes that happen in this time and particularly around... the impact of any kind of perinatal mood and anxiety disorder or birth trauma. That's going to be on the 6th of May. That's Maternal Mental Health Day. And it's an evening session.
And you can find out more about that on my website, ancribyog.com is my email address and ancribyogpsychotherapy.ie is my website.
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