Chapter 1: What reflections does the host share about 2025?
What's going on, everybody?
We did it. We've arrived at the end of the year. Time for a little reflection, refresh, hopefully sitting down, laying down, hanging out, getting some time with family. 2025 coming to an end last full auto Friday for the year. Shit's falling apart. Look at this. The sign in the back went out on an episode. We were recording yesterday, just fritzed out in the middle of a conversation.
I looked at a corner of my eye. I could see Michael and he was just walking behind me as we're talking. So good timing. That sign was going to get retired anyway, in about two weeks, got some pretty cool stuff coming in about two weeks. I don't know if people will get the chance to see it in two weeks though, but it'll be done by then. But you know what? That's how it goes.
Sometimes the lights go out. Good timing. Solvable problem. All problems have solutions, as long as you can figure it out. Let's dive into this. Last Q&A. Traditional for today. This first one's a little bit of a long one. I couldn't even screen grab it. It was so long. But we're going to dive into it. But I tell you what, I picked it because this applies to...
every person I've ever met and every person that I think that is ever going to be. The subject line was, how do you deal with hurt? So let's dive in a little bit of a long email, but away we go.
I am writing this because I'm generally trying to figure out how to deal with being emotionally hurt and looking for ways to cope with the pain that I may not have found yet, come across or otherwise tried. In other words, in your personal experience, how do you deal with with emotional pain.
If there's anybody out there listening to this, watching this show, who has never dealt with emotional pain, please reach out to me. I would love to know how you navigated your life avoiding that, because I certainly haven't. Sometimes I feel like I've intentionally found my way into it. It wasn't intentional, just really bad decisions layered on top of each other. I'm pretty good at doing that.
But yeah, if there's somebody out there who has figured out a way to avoid this, please let me know, because I have questions for you. I will attempt to keep this short, although it would be rather difficult. I'm 34 years old, had a previous long-term relationship that I maintained out of a status quo, but not because I loved them.
And actually, I'm going to chunk this up and answer as I go or put my thoughts into this as I go, because otherwise I'm going to forget. The status quo, that stuck out to me, that sentence, because... I truly believe that if you want to be exceptional in your life, you're going to have to do exceptional things. You're going to have to hold yourself to an incredibly high standard.
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Chapter 2: How can you deal with emotional pain from loved ones?
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That's bruntworkwear.com using the code cleared hot. Order today and let them know you heard it here on the show. Speaking of the show, back to the show. Average is a passing grade. Okay. But is that what you want your life to be? And I can only speak for myself. I don't.
When I look at the status quo, to me, I often feel like that is the baseline entry position from which you need to really level up from there. You need to try harder. You need to put in more work. It's great if you can meet the status quo, but a lot of the times, if not always, the status quo is defined by other people's thoughts, by other people's expectations, by other people's standards.
Why do you want to live by those? That's a question for everybody listening. I don't want to because I don't want to be average. I don't want to have average experiences. I don't want to have average relationships.
I don't want every aspect of my life to be just average because just being good or good enough to kind of cruise down the middle of the road, although enjoyable and maybe it will get you less stress and less failure, that's not what I'm looking for. To each their own. But screw the status quo. Set your own standards. And I'm not saying you have to.
Plenty of situations I'm sure where the status quo or was socially acceptable or expected is going to be fine. And I'm not saying in every aspect of my life I'm looking to be an outlier. That's absolutely not the case. But in big things, I... Just like everybody else here, societal standards, expectations, all of those things. And quite often it's just not enough. And I think that's okay.
So set your own standards, man. You create your own status quo for yourself. Don't let other people to apply that over the top of you. It's like a glass cage you're putting yourself in. No, no, no. Build your own cage, build your own prison. That way you can be the warden. And if you don't like the view, you can move the window. All right, back to the email.
Since being a child, I've had trouble opening up about love and being vulnerable enough to admit that I'd love another human being. Three years ago, I met the most amazing woman in the woods after a random unplanned camping trip that left us in the same state park for a weekend. A little serendipity there. It was the most magical moment I've had in my life, and I thought about her every day.
I could write for days about our beginnings. It's stupid, lovey-dovey stuff, so I'll move on. It may be stupid, but I'm glad you had that experience because it sounds like up until that point, it might have been a fairytale hallmark movie that you were watching. And I'm not saying everybody's going to have that in their life, but it's pretty cool when you do. I know exactly what you feel like.
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Chapter 3: What strategies can help hold someone accountable without offense?
And honestly, it seems like it has nothing to do with you feeling like that it was appropriate and a lot to do with you feeling better because then neither of you were using that word. So that particular issue sounds like it's a little bit on your side of the street, which is totally fine. I got a lot of issues on my side of the street.
It just gives you something else that you can target to work on and be better. As time went on, she grew distant. I could feel it. I know it was my fault. but I was still afraid to open up. Be careful assuming blanket fault for things that you may not necessarily understand why they are happening." All right, I'll get a little bit more to that here as we go.
At the same time, another man came back into her life. They had an affair years before I met her. She was the other woman. She ended things with him and closed that door. She thought they were done. He was staying with his wife. That was the end. Well, he left his wife and he reached out to her. Funny how that goes, isn't it? She did not keep the door closed.
It hurts so bad to think about it, but she didn't protect the relationship from outsiders like I did. How do I say this without sounding like a dick? I don't know, so I'm just going to say it. Why do you feel like you were protecting the relationship from outsiders and she wasn't? You were unable to express how you feel or unwilling to express how you feel.
You noticed that she was becoming detached and she ended up reconnecting with somebody previously in her life that she had already had an affair with. So... What were you doing to protect the relationship other than shutting anybody else out or everybody else out to include your partner? That's not protecting your relationship. That's not investing in your relationship.
That's not doing the hard work. That's not having the hard conversations. That's you being on an isolated island by yourself Watching the world pass by, refusing to interact with it. Okay. Sorry if that stings a little bit, but you weren't protecting anybody or anything because of your unwillingness to participate. You might have cracked the door open for her to have doubt in her mind.
to her to have questions in her mind. And it is not your fault that this person went out and started or had an affair, whatever term you would want to use, cheated on you, whatever term you would want to use. It's not your fault. That doesn't mean though that you didn't have a hand in creating that situation. You certainly didn't cause it, right? Like you didn't physically go make it happen. But
in the equation of your relationship, you were one of the integers, and that has to be taken into account. I found out through an anonymous email from someone in her circles. It hurt. I wanted to leave. I said goodbye to her boys, packed a bag, grabbed my dog, and drove off. I lasted two hours. We're now still living together as we figure out what's next. I've opened up to her,
I've never loved another human being like her. It is an indescribable feeling. If I had to explain it to you, you wouldn't understand. You'd be surprised. I think a lot of people would understand even just the description you have already put out. I'm not great with words and could never do it justice. I had things that I'd written to her before, but never shared. She knows now."
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Chapter 4: Is there racism in the SEAL Teams?
And that's the dynamic of your relationship. For me, that would never work, but live your life. And if that works for you, go ahead. But if you don't do that, yeah, I think you should feel guilty because you were kind of an asshole. And by that, I mean, you were really an asshole. And I'm talking to her, not you right now, by the way.
So yeah, she feels guilty and wants to run away, think it's going to be the end of pain for her sons and for you. No, that's total BS. And you're on guilt island right now and you're having a little bit of a pity party. Get off of that and start doing the work you need to do. On the other hand, she still wants to try for a future with us. And that's what I want so bad.
But she needs to be sure she's willing to give me all of her heart and that there's no what ifs. The door to the other side would be closed. She's planning to move to a rental across the street to get space, but keep me in her life as she figures things out. As we navigate this, I hurt every day.
I've grown up in the masculine culture thinking men shouldn't cry, that they shouldn't feel emotions, and I've never developed the tools to deal with something like this. Well, guess what, buddy? Now's the time. I know what you're talking about, the masculine culture. And this is where I would call, you know, there's masculinity and then there's toxic masculinity.
I hate the term toxic masculinity because I don't even think that the... Characteristics that they describe associated with that, I wouldn't even call them masculinity in the first place. It's just toxic behavior. And by the way, there's also incredibly toxic femininity. Femininity. Why did I, feminine, femininity. I think you know what I'm talking about. My mouth's not working today.
Toxic masochism, toxic femininity. Wow. I think I got that out right in one of those six attempts. You're welcome, everybody. It goes both ways.
If you bury your emotions, if you don't deal with the things that happen to you in your life, and I'm not saying you have to go see a counselor and a therapist, how about just acknowledge and recognize that when you are frustrated or upset or having a down day, you can be capable of reflecting, looking inward, voicing how you feel to a trusted friend, a family member, whatever.
spouse, partner, whatever it may be, and working your way through those issues. Instead of doing what most men do is dig the biggest hole they can with a backhoe, throw all that stuff in there, jump on top of it like it's a trampoline, bury it down and hope that it never bubbles to the surface. And guess what? It does. I don't know anybody who hasn't had it happen at some point in time.
And it's never really pretty. That's not a good picture that day when that happens, right? It's a mess. And guess when it usually happens? When you're not at your best and your life isn't going best. So deal with it. And if you are a parent, if you're a father, don't teach your kids that it's not okay for men to cry. There are things in life that probably deserve tears.
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Chapter 5: How can leaders effectively communicate expectations?
Like, yeah, maybe more than likely you had a hand in it. So that's on the relationship side. How do you get through a tough day? One step at a time. And the hardest days of my life, I remind myself that nothing lasts forever. And actually, even on the best days of my life, and I don't know if this is healthy, but it's a constant reminder to me, nothing lasts forever.
Things could be going catastrophically bad or just amazingly well. Reminding myself that that is a moment, right? You could take a snapshot of that and wherever you're at, you'll have a memory of it, but the snapshot might be different the next day. It might be higher and it might be lower. Nothing is permanent unless you make it permanent.
put the work in, and when days get really hard, don't think about the whole day. Get to lunch, get to breakfast, pick small things that you can focus on that allow you to build some momentum, trick yourself is essentially what I'm saying, and put your life into a more digestible chunk. Right now, this situation that you have described seems huge.
There's a lot, and it is huge because there's a lot of things that both of you need to work through, and this is not something that's gonna be measured in minutes or hours or probably even days. But figure out the steps you need to take, but then don't think about the months. Don't think about the weeks. Don't think about the days. Don't think about the hours. Break it down into minutes.
And I don't mean like stare at your watch, but what's something small that you can do now that's going to net improvement and positivity in your life in this situation later on? Do that and then find the next one. Maybe you need to start writing down your thoughts.
Maybe you need to find somebody that you can talk to to help you unpack this for yourself that can help you with your communication or connect you a little bit better with your emotions. I would 100% recommend in this case, you guys get a relationship counselor. Actually, I would say both of you should probably be talking to somebody and then you should be talking to somebody together.
I'm not saying either of you have mental health issues. There are just people that can help you make sense of stuff like this who aren't some idiot on the internet. So getting through a hard day for me starts with the recognition and realization that not every day is going to be hard. And if I can get through today, tomorrow at least has another opportunity for me.
And maybe it's going to be an uppercut in the balls. Maybe not. Maybe it's just going to be a... You know, jabbing somebody or somebody kicks you right in the front of the shin, which I don't know. You know, I would take the shin kick over the ball punch because one hurts less for less. But it's tough, man. I get it. And everybody out there is dealing with this.
You are not dealing with anything that is unique. You are not dealing with anything that other people haven't dealt with. And you are not dealing with anything that is insurmountable. So remember that. Put the work in now. Otherwise, it's going to come back. And that sucks. And that's all I have for question one. All right, question two, shifting out of the relationship.
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Chapter 6: What lessons can be learned from handling difficult conversations?
Man, if you could be a fly on the wall where I have poorly delivered leadership messages in the past where the message actually was completely lost and the person didn't hear anything that I was saying because my delivery was so poor. And I think the only key point that was identified at the end of that meeting was that I was an asshole. And they were probably correct to assume that.
Here's the thing, though. If there's no clarity around expectations, roles and responsibilities, and it seems like here there's maybe a system error or a structural or procedural error. If there's no clarity around those things, meaning if you were to ask somebody, what are the roles and responsibility?
And I actually recommend this, by the way, sorry to cut myself off mid-sentence, but I want to get this out before I forget. This is a good litmus test for anybody who is a manager or a supervisor. Sit down with one of the people who works for you and just ask them, hey, what are the roles and responsibilities of your job? What are the structures that are in place?
What are the processes that you need to be following? If they can't answer that very clearly and concisely,
you have work to do as a manager or as a leader because this is how you can hold yourself accountable to the people that work for you you can make sure that they have the tools they need the knowledge they need the combination of those two things the systems the processes if they don't if they don't have the ability to describe their job well clearly and concisely you should never
expect anything other than subpar performance because they don't know what their job is. And that is on you one layer up as the manager and the leader. So you tried to coach and correct things. That's great. But remember, you're trying to coach and correct things from a very hazy optic. What I would do before that is I would actually go to your dad.
and ask to be shown the systems that are in place that you are going to use to coach and correct. What are the standards? What are the procedures? Do they exist or are people just doing things the way that they were doing them? Because that's the way the person did it before them. If standards and procedures don't exist, this is your opportunity to shine.
Give people a framework and a roadmap so they can do their job. Because otherwise, what are you coaching and correcting to? If you're just trying to correct to, I want you to do your job better. That's tough. How? Against what standard? Standards should be known. Standards should be published.
And people who are going to be held to a standard should be trained and educated on how to achieve that standard, right? This is a whole ecosystem here. You can't just cut a piece of this pie out and judge it in exclusivity. You have to think about all of these things and how they apply. I own that mistake of how I handled the situation.
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Chapter 7: How can one navigate personal growth after infidelity?
There's no need to be mean when you're firing somebody. There's no need to be overly emotional in any way. People, when they get this type of information, sometimes they cry. Sometimes they get angry. I've seen people shake. I've seen people want to fight. Don't engage. You don't need to or have to engage.
They understand that they are a person receiving information that to them in that moment might seem life altering and life changing. Give them a little bit of grace. But if it goes to that point, stick to your guns and Be direct, be objective, and you're going to be okay. And I'm super stoked that you're back in your family business because I feel like you are going to have an immense impact.
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That's P-I-Q-U-E life.com slash clearedhot to claim this offer. Back to the show. Question three, shifting gears again, racism in the SEAL teams, or is there? This person sent me a link to a CBS News article, and people can go look for this if they want to. You put in there, Navy SEALs discipline racist memes. I guess that'd be the way you could find this.
So thoughts on this, and this person is referencing that. I clicked on it. I didn't read too deeply into it because I had heard about this a little bit, and my answer, regardless of what I had read into this or read in that particular article, it'll make sense in a minute. So thoughts on this, the article, and any other racial issues in Special Operations Command or in the military in general.
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Chapter 8: What are the host's closing thoughts for the new year?
try to make any stances that are based on, because I believe something deeply that it's the truth for everybody or the truth for a community. I think we would be so much better served if people could round out that vernacular, because I want people to believe things and to feel things deeply, but it's gonna calm stuff down if we can calm the language down a little bit. So just food for thought.
Your beliefs in life, whatever they may be, take stock of yourself and how you communicate those things to others. Are you somebody who... I know, or do you believe, or do you think, or do you feel? There's a difference between those things.
So that's what I'm ending my year with is thinking about stuff like that and my ability to continue to try to communicate in a more effective manner through that lens. Because the reality is this, I don't know for a fact almost anything, except that gravity works. Every time I've tested it so far on all seven continents and Alaska doesn't have an ice wall, and the earth is round.
And that's all I have for this Friday.