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Chapter 1: Can a 'no quit' attitude become destructive in relationships?
Okay, copy, west of the smoke, I'm looking at danger close now. Copy, cleared hot.
Alrighty, here we go back at it. Traditional Q&A for this Friday. Two questions I can knock out of the park right now that I get a lot. One, the iced beverage that I generally drink in front of me. It's early morning. I actually like doing these in the morning, kind of start my day off. I go for, in hot and cold months, iced cold brew because I can drink it faster. I enjoy hot coffee.
I've burned myself many times with hot coffee though. So I don't have a ton of it. Sometimes, depending on the setting, maybe I'll make myself a latte. It's not a big deal. We don't have to celebrate the fact that I know how to make a latte. But other than that, it's ice cold brew. The second most common question I get, which I get more than the coffee, is this sweatshirt.
So this is from a brand called Marine Layer, normal spelling. Two words. I have no association with this brand other than we were in Bozeman for an SBG jujitsu camp in October of last year. And a buddy of mine, Dan, who has better taste than I do in clothing, went to a retail store in downtown Bozeman on Main Street. that was selling these and grabbed one for himself.
And I said to him, damn, that's a good looking sweatshirt. Well, they went back there the next day and he surprised me with the sweatshirt, which was a blue one. I bought myself this gray one. They're an awesome brand. I have no association whatsoever other than they have my credit card number on file. Marine layer. I believe they're based out of California.
I know they have a retail store in the San Diego area. That's it. So also though, I think this is a discontinued version of the sweatshirt. So sorry about that. It's the best I can do. People have been saying, just pin this as a comment in the comment section. I get asked it so much, but I think that's a little bit ridiculous. This is brought to you by AG1. Well, guess what? We're into February.
How many of you are still just jamming on your New Year's resolutions? I think the data shows that most people are done with them by about 21 or even 14 days. I have talked about this, man, for well over a year. My goal to dial in the macro and micro, but oftentimes the micro elements of my hydration and supplementation game. And this is where AG1 comes in.
I use it in the morning to hydrate and it helps me dial in all the micronutrients that I honestly just don't pay attention to. AG1 is the opposite of complexity. It takes about 20 seconds. One scoop, boom, into the water in the morning, eight ounces is what I go with, you're done.
Drinking it first thing in the morning before my coffee helps with my hydration, before I even check my phone, and boom, that micro habit helps anchor me throughout the remainder of the day.
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Chapter 2: What are the consequences of staying in an unhealthy marriage?
The biggest hurdle that I fought myself over is exactly what you have described in this email. My old occupation, your mental and physical toughness was the currency by which you were judged. Yes, there were other things that were associated with that. Your ability to perform tasks, to meet standards, all of those things counted as well.
But you arrived in that community, your golden ticket to entry was all measured through the same pipeline. And it was based around your unwillingness to quit, regardless of how hard things got physically or mentally, the combination of the two. And if you come from that world or a world like that, like you have just described, it is so easy to become your worst enemy and to stay in things
for longer than you likely should. Now, I'm not here to tell somebody in their life, you're at a moment where you need to make this decision, or this is something, an action that you need to take, because I have a data point of one in a human experience, my own. I can look backwards and talk about things I wish I could change, which I can't. So I try to learn from them going forward.
And my experience in my divorce and my difficulty arriving at my decision-making point are one of the things that I am trying to learn from because yes, I do believe that a never quit or no quit attitude can be extremely unhealthy. Let's go to a far outlier example of that. Let's say you are struggling with alcohol or substance abuse. What are you going to tell yourself? I can't quit, right?
I can't quit. I don't want to be considered to be a quitter. Well, that doesn't work well for alcoholism or substance abuse. And again, that's a little bit of a fringe example, but I think you get the point. I was having this conversation yesterday with a friend of mine after training jujitsu who also is divorced with children.
And we were just talking about, and it tied into a conversation that Mike Glover and I had about the path forward is often measured in years as opposed to being months and days. And specifically, I'm talking about your ability to show your kids who you are.
as opposed to perhaps what they have been hearing about you from potentially an upset, angry, frustrated, hurt other side of the equation in a relationship. It takes a long, long time. And one of the things, a comment that he made was, you know, it sounds so honorable to say we are staying for the kids, specifically when we're talking about the dynamic of a relationship.
You're in a marriage, we're staying for the kids. I toiled with that too. What example would I be setting for my kids if I gave up? Well, ask yourself this. What example are you setting for your kids if you are knowingly staying, and voluntarily, by the way, staying in a relationship that is unhealthy? Because I...
am of the belief, and I had this conversation again with the same guy yesterday, he was of the belief as well too, that the kids involved in these family dynamics know and see and hear far more than any parent would ever want them to. I've had these conversations with my own children. Unfortunately,
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Chapter 3: How does a 'no quit' mindset affect work performance?
So I don't know if that's normal or not, but that's me. But standing there looking at yourself, again, coming from a place where not quitting is the currency, especially if you've been in there for a while and you are so worried about the judgment of others.
even though none of those other people have to walk a single inch in your shoes or spend a single moment in your life or the situation that you are working your way through, whether that is crushing unhappiness, unhealthiness, anxiety, whatever it may be, even if they were to judge you harshly,
Does that justify staying in an environment like that as the only person who has to suffer the consequences of staying in that environment? I don't think so, but God, that is a hurdle that takes a long time to get over. And this took me years. So short answer to your question, yes, it can absolutely be taken to a place where it is unhealthy. And I would say to you,
How much of your life do you want to live in an environment that you are unhappy? Don't be incredibly selfish, but also Think of yourself here a little bit, at least 50% of it. And then I think you can even add in the other party when you're talking about a relationship. Is she happy with this? Could she be living a more happier, fulfilled, expressive life, whatever that may be?
If you guys go in different directions, is it going to suck for a bit? Do you have to...
redefine who you are do you have to ask yourself really hard questions do you have to redevelop and recreate a foundation and move forward and maybe look at your future in a way that is different than you have been because you are in your comfort zone even though it's being described as being uncomfortable yeah all those things are true but you also could have a life that you can't even imagine because you have opportunities in front of you that you are blinded to right now because
the glasses you are looking through are really muddied up based on what it is you have lived through up until this point. Yes, it can be taken too far and it can have massive negative consequences on your life. Just remember this no quit attitude comes from your occupation. Your occupation is what you do. It is not and will never be who you are. And if you can keep those two things separate,
I think you're gonna be okay. The last thing I'll say is this, have open conversations with your children and with your significant other if you decide to move forward with this. Don't hide this from your kids. They are of an age where they have the ability to process this information. I'm not saying lean on them as your therapist. Your children should never be your therapist, right?
If you need someone to talk to, Go find someone to talk to that is not your child, that is unhealthy. And your children, until you're wearing a diaper, should never be expected to be your caretaker. All right? Just some advice. Find somebody to talk to if you need to, but don't hide this from your kids. Because I'm telling you right now, if you have an open conversation and ask them,
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Chapter 4: What advice is given for managing stress and burnout?
Micro... Adversity would be a good way to look at this. If you think you're going to go into the gym one time and come out looking like, I don't even, Mr. Olympia, I don't even know who's currently competing in that thing. Yeah, I guess you could probably try to do that. You're going to kill yourself and probably end up in the hospital with rhabdomyolysis, which is not a fun ride.
I've seen quite a few people go on that ride. The journey to that, it's, you know, when you go in and you train appropriately, you are doing micro exercises. micro portions of damage to your muscular system that your body repairs and grows back a little bit stronger. That's why it's a journey.
You know, bodybuilders, even though they're taking, shall we say, non-farm to table chicken breast and protein supplements, usually via a needle, which no judgment, live your life however you want to. Even they can accelerate that process, but it is micro steps along the way. If you lift one pound every day, you won't build muscle. This is true.
But if you start out at 50 pounds with no experience, you are starting too hard. Well, I would say it depends on what you're talking about. If you're doing deadlifts and stuff like that, maybe you're going to be okay. But I get the point. You have to find a balance in between the two.
Similarly, if you start with some experience, but you choose an extremely steep learning curve, you put yourself in the red zone of stress, either mental or physical, where you don't retain or build up as much as you would if you worked up to it gradually. I think this depends on the person.
I know that everybody wants to think that we all come out of the box equal in every capacity, whether it be ability to learn. retain knowledge, hand-eye coordination, balance, any physical or physiological thing that you can measure. I know that people want the world to be a level playing field and to be fair. And I've said this so many times. The fair is in Iowa.
It has a merry-go-round, some roller coasters, cotton candy, and popcorn. And you should go experience all of those things. But that isn't life. We all come out of the box differently. Some people learn faster than others. Some people retain knowledge faster than others. Some people have better hand-eye coordination. And some people, let's use Evan as an example. Evan Hafer standing vertically.
His head doesn't hit the bottom of this table. He is never going to play in the NBA regardless of how much he may want to. That is what it is. He's optimally suited to travel over uneven terrain and to go through windows that normal-sized human beings can't fit in, which serves him really well in the Green Beret CIA world. When you're out in the world navigating, he's like a little hobbit, right?
Getting into places and nooks and crannies that nobody else can. It served him really well there. But it doesn't serve him well everywhere, right? When he was bailing Mike Glover out, only his hand could come over the top with a little check and slide it under. And I assume he was wearing his green beret at the time. So somebody there was just like, what is going on here?
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Chapter 5: How can one recognize when to quit versus when to persevere?
No, not even remotely. Average height? Average, oh, by the way, on average height, I swear Mike said he was 6'1 or 6'2 in the podcast that we did, the one that came out on Monday. And then we took a picture together and I posted it. I swear he is the exact same height as me, if not a little bit shorter. I'm six foot even, 72 inches on the nose.
So yeah, again, slight divergence there, but just calling him out on his BS. So average height. Average weight, I float somewhere between probably 220 to 205. I have since my mid-20s. I was 150 pounds when I graduated high school, 155 when I graduated BUDS. Hit 200 pounds in my mid... I just couldn't put weight on. I have this conversation with my oldest son.
He's just like, I can't put weight on. I'm like, yeah, give it time, dude. It's coming. And then you end up on the other side of that where you're struggling to keep it off, right? It's an interesting journey of life. Completely and utterly average. But I have the ability to work. I can work hard. My previous occupation is helpful in that.
It rewarded and taught and reinforced working hard, chunking goals, driving forward, not necessarily ignoring pain or exhaustion, but working through it when you needed to.
But I guess what is often left out in those conversations about that world is that rest, at least as I was exiting and moving into, I'd say, an era where people are paying a little bit more attention to this stuff, rest and recovery is 100% highlighted as well. So it isn't just now your ability to grind through anything that may be presented in front of you.
even though that's incredibly important now, thankfully, you know, there's a lot of conversation around, well, how do you fuel for that? How do you rest for that? How do you recover? How do you protect your sleep, your hydration, all of those things that will allow you to do that even more.
Because if you take that out of the picture, you will work yourself to a place where you collapse this diminishing returns that you're talking about. It's impressive when people are able to push and grind and work, but If you were to pull that aspect out of it and just make a bar graph and you look at, let's just say, area underneath the curve,
I would like to believe that language and weight training that you discussed in here, I would like to believe that you're going to start with a line that's really low to the bottom axis. There's not going to be a lot of shaded area underneath the curve because you're taking these really microscopic steps and you don't have any knowledge or experience in that area.
So it's slower to learn to begin with. And then as you go over time, as you extend that timeline out into the horizon, the line stays nice and consistent. And the shaded area under the curve gets bigger and bigger. And that might be your physical capacity, your knowledge and ability to speak or write a language, again, to use your references.
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Chapter 6: What impact does staying in an unhealthy relationship have on children?
Anything that wasn't directly involved with what I was trying to accomplish, gone. But I didn't live there because I can't, because that's how I end up sick. That's how I end up unhappy. That's how I end up isolated. And that is how I end up being overly hard on myself because as my performance goes down, we start having these conversations in the mirror again, like how could you let this happen?
You need to work harder. Physiologically, I couldn't work any harder. It's the balance. So the happiest I've been is when I've been balanced. But the things that I've accomplished that mean the most to me were at times in my life where I was the most unbalanced. So you have to find, not to use this word so many times in one sentence, you have to find a balance between those two things.
And that is the advice that I would give you. you can 100% burn yourself out. Are there times in your life or things in your life that are worth doing that for? I think so, absolutely. Is everything worth doing that for? Absolutely not. So if you have this ability, to work to the point beyond where most people would quit. That is amazing. But please do me a favor, keep it in check.
I am at a point in my life now where I care more about how I get to where I'm going than where I'm going in and of itself. I actually would probably rather fall slightly short of my goals, but have a more fulfilled and enriched and wholesome life than arrive at a pinnacle or an apex and have nothing. That's me. But I think
Having a conversation with yourself about that and asking yourself, which one of those do I want to have at the end of the day is an important exercise. The ability to not quit is an amazing tool, but like any tool, it can be misused. And if you point it back towards yourself, as opposed to pointing it towards an objective or a challenge, it can get really dangerous. So keep it in check.
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Chapter 7: How should one handle feelings of guilt in an emotional affair?
And I feel like a piece of shit for hesitating. So there's a lot here. I am gonna answer this question We are gonna go through it a little bit by bit, but I'm gonna answer this as if you were a friend in my life. And I have had conversations like this with friends in my life who have either come to me and told me something like this was going on, or I found out something like this was going on.
I actually approached them with it. And I don't know if they were necessarily ready. And I don't care because if you are actually my friend, and you see me doing something like this and you do not come and talk to me about it, then perhaps you are not actually my friend.
Because if you care about me and you're seeing me go down a path that you don't believe that who I am as a person should be going down, then you should probably say something if you're actually my friend. So I will answer this, like I said, as if you were in my social circle and as if we were having a conversation about this. The first thing I'll say is this.
In recent history, this is the most thinly veiled bag of horseshit that I have seen for quite some time. Just about everything in this email is an excuse on your side. And I know you use words in here like, I don't want to hurt anybody, but I am culpable. I'm not 100% innocent if that happens. I am racked with guilt. Cool, I'm glad that you're saying those things.
However, it's not actually changing any of your behavior. And I don't really care what people say. I do listen to them when they talk. But when there is a divergence between speech and actions, I pay far more attention to the actions than I do the speech, because that's the real person. If you wanna tell me something, that's one thing.
But then if I see you over time repeating behavior and it's in the opposite direction, Hate to tell you, buddy, I am going to believe what you do. Why do you think you're wracked with guilt? It's a rhetorical question. It's because you're acting like a piece of shit. So let's go from the top. I have never touched this person, right? And I don't feel good about my role.
We text a lot between the midnight and 0400, which is 4 a.m. in the morning. Why are you texting me? First off, anybody, go to bed, but a married woman at 4 a.m. in the morning, from midnight to 4 a.m. Do you think that is above board by any stretch of the imagination? Do you think that her husband would be stoked to find out that this is happening by any stretch of the imagination?
Sexual in nature, right? So physically, you haven't touched this person physically. But you guys are definitely in an emotional affair at this point. And people can judge those, a physical affair, an emotional affair. However you want to split that out and put weight or gravitas into those, that's for the people that are in the relationship.
But yeah, you're 100% involved in an affair at this point, which is 100% optional on your part. And this entire email is you trying to justify and find an excuse for a way to continue. And you shouldn't. Because if you're actually serious about what you said here, to be the kind of person that you can trust with your money and your wife, or, and let's go back to the initial sentences.
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Chapter 8: What steps can be taken to regain trust and accountability?
Whatever it may be, where she can, A, justify her actions, but B, maybe make you feel a little bit better about it. Guess what? That's probably not the reality. He is probably laying in bed next to her while you are texting with her, stuff of a sexual nature between midnight and 4 AM. That's not malicious. How would you feel if you were married to this woman? Let's fast forward this.
Married to this woman and you wake up and you realize that she's on her phone texting another dude at that same time period, reversing the situation. Would you consider that to be malicious? Yeah, I think you would, right? But it's not to you because this is your situation. You absolutely have to remove your head from your asshole right now because your vision is horrible.
Your optic on anything going on right now is completely consumed by what you want and only by what you desire, even though you can choose the right words and say, It's important to me to be the kind of man you can trust with your money and your wife. Okay, then why don't you start doing that? What's it going to take for you to actually start doing that?
Because everything you have described is the exact opposite of that. You're not describing a trustful person. You're describing a snake that will pick the words that they want to, to try to justify their behavior and push it off to somebody else. I'm just, she deserves me. I feel like it's an accessory that she deserves. I'm not doing this for me. I'm doing it for her.
Fuck off into the sunset with that, right? Just take a giant step backwards and fuck your own face with that mentality. All right. What else? It's broken my brain because I just wasn't trying to do anything, really. Let's see, my language choices were casual, maybe sometimes provocative. I was not actively trying to get her to want me, but in retrospect, that's exactly what happened.
Really, just unconsciously, you had no idea that you might've been laying it on with this woman. You didn't realize that you were attracted to her. right? You didn't realize that that was the end state. You don't think that informed your behavior at all. Please write me back and let me know how old you are, because this is the email that a 13 year old would send, not an adult.
So I hope this isn't happening at like a, your first job at Chick-fil-A, nothing against Chick-fil-A. And I don't know why I have that as an example, but I'd love to know how old you are and how many laps you have to gain this robust inability to actually see how your actions, whether they be intentional or unintentional in air quotes have helped lead to this situation.
I wanted to tell her husband immediately and she flipped out. Oh, why do you think that is? Yeah, because you are having an affair with this woman. Again, not physical, but certainly emotional. And also if she has ever said to you, hey, Mia, my husband and I's relationship is over, we're completely detached, we're living separate lives.
If she's ever tried to diminish the relationship that she's had with her husband, why would she flip out, right? If she's ever told you that it's over or it's on its way to being over, why would she flip out? No, I get it, right? You want to be able to control the narrative on your own terms and maybe she's not ready. But if it was really over, I wonder if it would be such a big deal.
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