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Chapter 1: Why does Atsuko Okatsuka feel suspicious about being Conan O'Brien's friend?
Hi, I'm Atsuko Akatsuka. And I feel honored and a little suspicious about being Conan O'Brien's friend.
Now, where does this suspicion come from?
It's too good to be true.
It's really not when you get to know me.
Fall is here, hear the yell Back to school, ring the bell Brand new shoes, walkin' loose Climb the fence, books and pens I can tell that we are gonna be friends Yes, I can tell that we are gonna be friends
Hey there, welcome to Conor O'Brien Needs a Friend, joined as always by Sonam Obsession. Hello. And, uh, wow. Hello. Hello. You sounded Australian. Hello.
Hi there. Hello.
And, uh, Matt Gourley. And I'm happy I've got a bubblegum cigarette. It's cool.
Yeah. And it puffs like candy puffs cigarette.
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Chapter 2: What unique experiences shaped Atsuko's childhood and comedy career?
Yeah. And, you know, I mean, I'm always kind of fascinated with smoking. Yeah, me too. Because it would be a great prop. It'd be a great thing to have. Also, I like all the accoutrement to go with a cigarette. Yeah. You know, the really cool lighters and maybe that little, you know, Art Deco cigarette case. The one that stops a bullet. Yes. Yeah. Yes. And I always think I've never seen a movie.
I always think. Yeah. So I've been trying to gauge when I can start smoking. Now, listen, let me go out of my way to say people don't smoke. You shouldn't smoke. No one smoke. It's bad to smoke.
But you want to time it with when I want to time it. I feel the same about heroin.
Yeah, I'm serious. Yeah. Well, you know, people these amazing experiences and you think, I don't know, when I start to get, you know, to within a certain amount of time before my my my clock is going to run out. Yeah. Maybe I'd start smoking and maybe I'd be a really cool looking old guy. who's smoking and I have a really neat, like sort of gold Dunhill lighter from London.
And I have this little case of cigarettes and I pop one. I got one going on the side of my lip and it's hanging off right there.
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Chapter 3: How did Atsuko's family dynamics influence her sense of humor?
And people are like, wow, he's really cool. And he's going to die very soon because he's old. But what do we think? Is that something that's viable? I mean, I don't think I'll do it, but. It's like if you get diagnosed with something terminal, like when you're like 85, 90, is that what you mean? Then you'll start, then you'll take up smoking.
But the minute you're diagnosed with something like that, they're like, you know, no, this medicine we're giving you, there's still a chance. They never say you're through.
They always say there's still a chance. I want my doctor to say you've got exactly a week. Here's some heroin. Go for it.
The doctor's giving you heroin? Well, my doctor. I want my doctor to say you have 45 years left, but this won't really kick in for 55 years if you smoke these unfiltered cigarettes. So, you know what I mean? So I get to enjoy smoking a cigarette for a really long time.
I see.
Okay. And trust me, I think I would hate inhaling smoke. What I basically do want is a more convincing bubblegum cigarette.
Okay.
And I want a lighter. It puts a little extra sugar powder on my cigarette.
It caramelizes it.
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Chapter 4: What challenges did Atsuko face growing up as a child of immigrants?
I want, though, something hanging out of my lip that I can play around with, do little tricks. I can blow smoke rings. Why don't you just get some wheat? What? Wheat? I don't know.
Wheat?
Wait, wheat? Or a toothpick. Toothpick doesn't wheat. Oh, that's the same. Yeah, I love it if all my noir detective movies had Humphrey Bogart chewing on some wheat.
It's the opposite effect.
Yeah. And he's like, of all the dames to walk into my place, she walks into mine. Look at those gams. Chomp, chomp, chomp. What is he, a horse?
I could wave away the hours.
I'm just thinking other things that could hang out of your mouth that can be acceptable. And the first image that came to my mind was wheat that a farmer does. Celery, a rutabaga? No, a toothpick. I think a toothpick's cool. Yeah, that doesn't match. Stick really looks like you're trying hard. Yeah, well, so you think heroin for you?
I mean, we're talking and again, this is we're telling people you can't do these things.
These things are terrible.
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Chapter 5: How did cheerleading impact Atsuko's friendships and social life?
What are the things we would do? I've never done hard drugs, but I would love when I'm at death's door to know what heroin feels like because everybody that talks about it, every movie I've seen.
No, no, no, no. It's all I don't think so. I don't think so.
You don't think heroin is a magical experience? Haven't you seen train spotting?
You go through a toilet. It did not end well. I just know that it looked... Haven't you ever seen Requiem for a Dream? The only thing looked disgusting. That's what I'm saying. You're the only guy that looks at train spotting as aspirational. Wow. I could hang out... In a really grimy Scottish bathroom with a bunch of skinheads.
No, I'm talking about the upswing of heroin and you have none of the bad stuff after because you're dead of natural causes anyway.
Okay, this is so dark. I want to just be the voice of reason and say I have a bubblegum cigarette and I think there's nothing cooler than that.
Oh, I'm talking about bubblegum heroin.
Oh, okay. I don't know what I would do. I can't think of anything that I'm like, I want to try that. You mean just before you go? Yeah. I think if you were told you had maybe a month to live, you would say, I want a whole room filled with hummus. Don't you think? Because you love hummus. I could do that now. It's good for you.
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Chapter 6: What are Atsuko's thoughts on her stand-up special 'Father'?
It's garbanzo beans. No, but a whole room? Yes, I want a whole room. But also, no, it wouldn't be hummus. It would be like just all the bad food you're not supposed to eat. All the steaks, all the candy, all the chocolate. But you know what? No one does that. No one does it.
On death row, they do when they get their last meal.
Fried chicken.
You are dark today.
Look at you go. You're very a dark, dark blend today. You really are. Heroin. And also, you thought about this. You had heroin in your back pocket. What about this? What if there was a restaurant called Death Row? Oh. And you go and there's different cells instead of tables and you order your last meal and you can say whatever you want.
It's like, I want fried chicken.
I want a triple cheeseburger. I want this. And they bring you a very high quality version of those things. And then a priest comes in and sits with you and then you're led out. But instead of to the electric chair-
to your car where a valet hands you the key.
That is so fucked up.
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Chapter 7: How does Atsuko navigate her relationship with her family and mental health?
That's a great idea.
He's dark? You're talking about a restaurant. He's talking about death. I'm talking about a good meal. Everybody gets morphine on the way out mostly if you die in a hospital anyway.
What is wrong You know what? I really want to try morphine one day. That's heroin. Okay, you know what? Guess what? Your restaurant's called Hospice. Good luck with that. Mine's called Death Row. It's a huge deal. It's going to be on Melrose in Los Angeles. Everyone's going to go.
I once had an idea for a restaurant called Resta Room. It's a regular restaurant, but everybody sits at an open toilet.
What? No, but why? Oh, my God.
It's not real.
Girls.
It's just a joke. But wait, how does it work? It's called Resta Room. Yeah. You get your meal.
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Chapter 8: What does Atsuko envision for her future in comedy and beyond?
And your chair is a toilet. And so you don't have to go to the bathroom. You don't have to excuse it.
Are you sitting there with your pants around your ankles? You're laughing so hard. Are you sitting there with your pants around your ankles?
If you like, sure.
If you like?
If you like? Are you shitting?
He had to say it's not real, by the way. Caveat, it doesn't exist yet. You two are the worst restaurant tours. You're with us in this. No, mine is like Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory. My idea of what I want to do before I die is Willy Wonka. Okay. Yours is smoking. Yours is heroin. Which one is the sunniest one out of all of these? I'd like to end on my idea for a restaurant, Death Row.
This is my idea. I know people listening right now are rushing. It's a good idea. It's a really good idea.
You've got to have a hell of a, like, food stock and chef.
It's like the Cheesecake Factory. It's like the Cheesecake Factory. It's got a menu that big. And I think you call ahead so they can get it all ready.
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