Elis James and John Robins
#535 - Heck & Mess, John’s Grave Lecture and A Walk-Walk Technique
28 Apr 2026
Transcript generated automatically by AI and may contain errors.
Chapter 1: What unique recording method is used in this podcast episode?
Hello, I'm John Robbins, and I'm here to tell you about a brand new series of my podcast, How Do You Cope? Each week, I'm joined by remarkable guests as I ask one simple question, how do you cope? I'll be speaking to the likes of Richard Osman. If someone is opening up to you, please accept that to them it is unbelievably real. Comedian Alison Spittel.
I can't eat my feelings anymore, but now I have to feel my feelings, but I don't know how to identify those feelings because I've repressed them for so long.
And former communications director to Donald Trump, Anthony Scaramucci. Every one of those shows that made fun of me, I went on the show. I faced the music. If you're searching for reassurance, inspiration, or just an honest conversation that reminds you you're not alone, join me every week for How Do You Cope?
Chapter 2: How much money did John and Dave raise for charity during the marathon?
Listen wherever you get your podcasts.
Thank you.
Hello listeners, welcome to Elliot and John, and because of the unique way we record this podcast, I'm having to predict the future. We are recording this a few days before the London Marathon, though it will have happened by the time you hear this.
It is an event that has dominated the thoughts of Dave and John, has seen them both raise an astonishing £71,000 for standing together against domestic abuse and prevent breast cancer, and in the opinion of some, The end of the marathon will conclude a period of constant running chat that has proven to be an all-time low in the history of this show.
Our Raja figures are down, the show's no longer funny, but our agent has assured us that Dave and John's incredible efforts in turning a programme that used to be two stand-up comics chatting into the greatest public health initiative since the polio vaccine will not go unnoticed when we renegotiate our contract with the BBC.
When we first began our tenure on Five Live in May 2019, people said the frustration that has largely news and sport remit, we were too different, too challenging, too dangerous. Over the last six months, there has been so much running chat, Steve Cram sent a letter to the head of the station asking us to chill out for his own mental health. But let's look at that figure again.
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Chapter 3: What humorous scenarios did John and Dave imagine for their marathon experience?
At time of recording, it's over £71,000 raised for charity. John used to claim that he couldn't run because his bones were so dense that it made his body too heavy. So let the man talk about his aerobic base. Let Dave talk about his calf. Let them enjoy the enormous achievement that is running a marathon. As far as I can tell, there are three possible scenarios for Sunday, April the 26th.
Scenario number one. Dave runs a three-hour, one-second time. Oh, no. That's livid.
Chapter 4: What unexpected events occurred during John's marathon preparation?
Missing his target by a footstep. John is somehow overtaken by Ivo Graham, who was pushing Rosie Jones. Even though they haven't entered, Ivo's wearing work shoes and a David Byrne baggy suit, and they did the Manchester Marathon last week. In response to this, both John and Dave explode. So many people complain about the mess. This makes the London Marathon is cancelled forever.
And by order of royal decree, I am prevented from ever podcasting again. And I retrain as a tree surgeon. Scenario number two. John finishes in a time he's really pleased with, and as he's running over Tower Bridge, he realises that incredibly amazingly, somehow, running the marathon has solved all of his problems.
Chapter 5: How did John feel about potentially breaking a marathon world record?
He then realises that being able to buy a slotted spoon or dehumidifier without hours of introspection has robbed him of his comedic gifts, meaning he's now technically unemployable as a stand-up and he explodes again. With a nickel in his calf, Dave runs a 2.59 marathon and crosses the line hand-in-hand with his arch-nemesis, George Lewis. That'll be nice.
They French kiss at the finish line and Benetton offers them both the modeling contract.
LAUGHTER
But George's wife and Hannah say it's hot, hot, hot. Scenario number three. I've never met anyone who has prepared as diligently for anything, which means the unimaginable happens. John wins. Two of the race favourites, Sebastian Sarmé and Jacob Kiplimo, ask John to leave broadcasting and take up coaching, an offer he gladly accepts.
Chapter 6: What game did John introduce related to historical figures?
Something that makes me technically unemployable, and so I explode. Dave is ankle-tapped by George Lewis at the finish line. Briggs is raced and registers as a did-not-finish. George then goes into hiding at a resort in Colorado that is sponsored by New Balance. And that's it. I cannot see how it will go in any other way. We really value the opinion of our listeners on this show.
We conducted a listening exercise. A proportion of you want the running chat to end. And now, after a mere eight and a half months, we've listened.
Chapter 7: What are the rules for the Historical Celebrity Cemetery game?
Apart from today. We can just go quite big on it today and probably next week as well. A few bits and bobs. A few bits and bobs. But how are you both feeling? Obviously, you've done it by now. So in the first two scenarios, you don't explode. I don't. No, I retrain as a tree surgeon in the first one. In the second scenario, Dave doesn't explode.
Chapter 8: What insights did John and Ellis share about their experiences in the episode?
I don't explode in the third scenario. No, you just move to Ethiopia to become a running coach. There's a 66.6 recurring chance I explode. Dangerous, isn't it? That is dangerous. It does feel dangerous. And you're nervous enough already. Yes. Well, because we talked quite a lot about pre-marathon stuff last week, we're not going to go into too much detail today.
But as we said, we haven't run it yet. No. So what I'm going to do is I'm going to ask myself some questions. Yeah. that we will record after the marathon for me to answer. Oh, okay. So I've got the three questions I want to ask myself for my three possible scenarios. Okay. John, a new world record, how does it feel? Feels good.
It's a new global Guinness Book of World Records for a John Robbins marathon and you've got to be happy with that. In the region of 4 hours 40 something, Guinness are just calibrating various photo finishes and timing sponsored by Rolex. So I'm pleased. I did actually meet the team from Guinness and they've given me verbal confirmation of a new John Robbins Marathon world record.
John, no world record, but you have to be happy with the win. Yeah, I saw two guys going for sub two hours and I thought, you know what? It's time for the next generation to come through. So I beat them. but let them have the world record by coming behind them, but I'd started earlier.
And that's how I'm going to navigate that question, because obviously reports are unconfirmed, still things have to be ratified by the IAAF, but yeah, I won. I didn't get the world record, but two runners did get the world record, but that wasn't me, but I did still win. Or, John, you are a failure. You are a disgrace and you've let yourself down. Yeah. What would you like to say to the nation?
I have erred. I shot for the moon and hit a Tesco Express. I flew too close to the sun for about one kilometre and I thought it's very hot.
going to get away from the sun and i'm going to towards the end use a run walk technique that i then evolved on the fly into a walk walk technique and already talk in the international running scene is about the future of the walk walk technique for breaking barriers Hands Across the Ocean, International Diplomacy, and AI. So those are the three questions I can ask myself.
It's quite black or white, isn't it?
So are you going to answer all three of those? Because how do you answer the first one if you've not? Well, no, I won't answer the... If I win, but I don't get a world record, I won't answer the first or the last. Oh, so they'll just slide on by. Oh, I should ask some more questions, shouldn't I? Yeah, I think get a few more answers. John Chafing, did you remember to lube?
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