Dead Ringers Ep5. The President’s For Overturning

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Friday Night Comedy from BBC Radio 4 30 min 7 speakers 4 chapters transcribed 2 months ago
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Unknown 0:00
This BBC podcast is supported by ads outside the UK.
Julie Inman Grant 0:10
This BBC podcast is supported by ads outside the UK. Ai, ai, ai, niin se on. Eloveena. Täyttä eloa.
Ned Japajin Hargraves 0:37
Vihtoinkin. Aika tehdä kesämuistoja. Tallenna kesän parhaat hetket kuvatuotteisiin helposti. Tilaa ennen 19. heinäkuuta ja saat ilmaisen toimituksen yli 10 euron ostoksille. ifolor.fi
Jon Culshaw 0:57
Shut up, losers. The Donald is rambling now. This week, I have once again proved why I am your all-time favorite president ever. Who cares about getting the Nobel Peace Prize for stopping 10 terrible wars? Because I actually got the more prestigious FIFA, FIFA. Peace Prize for stopping 10 terrible VARs. What an epic week it's been for the Donald. Unbelievable. First I reversed the red card from America's Bosnia game. Then I reversed the ceasefire from America's Iran game. And now it's straight to penalties and a shootout in the Strait of Hormuz. But the football red card was easy to reverse. Easy. Because the Donald's very good friends with the FIFA boss, Mr. Infantino. Infantino. I knew him when he was just a coffee.
Jon Culshaw 2:01
I called him up, it was a perfect call actually because I'm an expert on soccer, or as they call it in Europe, hockey. But then Belgium, nasty Belgium, they won the game 4-1, totally rigged result. The worst steal since the 2020 election. JD Vance tells me Sleepy Joe Biden was the referee. And Crooked Hillary was on VAR. They're scum. We are now at war with Belgium. My secretary for hangovers, Pete Hegseth, has launched Operation Epic Tintin. We have proof Belgium's president, Mr. Hercule Poirot, has developed a nuclear-enriched chocolate waffle. capable of being delivered anywhere across the globe within 15 minutes. Let's find out if the Islamic State of Belgium has a soft center.
Unknown 3:25
Dead ringers.
Kieran Hodgson 3:32
You're listening to The World at One with me, Sarah Montagu. Look, it's hot, you're working from home, but you could at least put some trousers on. Nigel Farage has stunned Westminster by standing down as MP for Clacton. Mr Farage joins me now.
Jon Culshaw 3:45
No, no, no, let me resign.
Kieran Hodgson 3:49
Yes, yes, you have resigned, Mr Farage, but only so you can trigger a by-election at which you're going to stand.
Jon Culshaw 3:57
Oh, here we go. Why must I be constantly scrutinised by you lot over every single little thing that I do?
Kieran Hodgson 4:05
Little thing? This is quite big news.
Jon Culshaw 4:06
Ah, there we go. You had to bring my family into it, didn't you?
Kieran Hodgson 4:10
I didn't say anything about your family.
Jon Culshaw 4:13
No, no, no. Let me wallow in victimhood. LAUGHTER You vultures in the media always go after the one thing Big Nige treasures more than anything else.
Kieran Hodgson 4:24
Are we back on your family again?
Jon Culshaw 4:26
No, love.

How does the episode open with Trump’s mock press bragging about overturning decisions?

Jon Culshaw 4:26
My money. What did it ever do wrong? That sweet, innocent money. All it ever wanted was to live away from the spotlight of constant media attention, but you lot in the mainstream media wouldn't allow it. The only people who can judge Big Nige are the good people of Clacton in this by-election.
Kieran Hodgson 4:45
Your £5 million donation was reported to the National Crime Agency, so I'm sure they can also... No!
Jon Culshaw 4:53
Only the people of Clacton and a by-election can judge me.
Kieran Hodgson 4:57
I don't think that's how it works.
Jon Culshaw 5:02
Well, you would say that, wouldn't you? Bloody BBC! You're blatantly biased towards Count Binface. He's on the BBC all the ruddy time, whereas I am never on it!
LAUGHTER
Kieran Hodgson 5:14
Mr Farage, thank you.
Jon Culshaw 5:15
There you go. Bringing my family into it again for no reason, you total bastards! Hello, I'm Gary Lineker and welcome to The Rest Is Football on Netflix. And no, I can't believe that no-one's told me this goatee makes me look like I run a Bangkok ping-pong bar yet either. England are gearing up for their quarter-final showdown with Norway, and I'm delighted to be joined by the England manager, Thomas Tuchel.
Duncan Wisbey 5:45
Hello once more, Gary.
Jon Culshaw 5:47
After that thrilling win against Mexico in the last round, I'm beginning to think this could be our year. Aren't you, Thomas?
Duncan Wisbey 5:57
No, Gary. The year 2026 cannot belong to us in any meaningful way unless by us you mean those who follow the Julian calendar and you are trying to distinguish us from, for example, Zoroastrians.
Jon Culshaw 6:14
What I mean is your team's got a date with destiny because they've got three lions on their shirts.

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