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Chapter 1: What money conversations should every couple have?
Hello and welcome to Friends That Invest. You're joined today by your host, Sim. I'm so excited to have you here. I'm wildly passionate about all things investing and personal finance. And in today's episode, we're going to be talking about all things money and relationships. Most
Specifically, we're going to be talking about what no one taught me when it came to money in relationships and what happens to your money when love enters the picture. I've got some really interesting stats here.
We are going to talk about why money is one of the biggest sources of conflict in relationships, the financial red flags that you need to know before things get too serious, how to have the money conversations that most couples avoid until it's too late, and how to set up your finances together in a way that works, whether you're newly dating, you're moving in together, you're
you've been together for a while, or you've been married for like 10 years and you're like, you know what? I should probably have this conversation with my partner. It's been a little bit of a while and this is something we need to get into. This episode is for every woman that is building her wealth and wants to make sure that love helps and doesn't get in the way.
Now, without further ado, this is a statistic that has completely blown my mind. 42% of people are keeping financial secrets from their partners right now. 42%. That is a lot of people. That is almost half the people in relationships that are hiding some kind of spending or debt or accounts. And that's not something they're hiding from their friends or their family or their colleagues.
That is something they're hiding from the person that they're meant to spend their life with and want to have maybe children with. And you can be so vulnerable physically with a person, but you don't want to talk to them about your money. That just... Like make it make sense. Now, let me get straight into the facts to share with you some things that have blown my mind.
As I've said, 42% of people have financial secrets from their partner, but 30% admit to spending more than their partner would approve of. 23% of people hold secret debt from their partner. 19% have secret savings accounts, which I'm like, you know what? That one, that one I will turn a blind eye to. I don't mind that one. And 18% possess a secret credit card.
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Chapter 2: What are the financial red flags in relationships?
That is a lot of secrecy in something that's meant to be a relationship where you want to work together and you want to be on the same page. But if you're listening to this and going, well, Sim, what do people get wrong in relationships? And what's some of the reasons why divorce... tends to happen when financial incompatibility really starts to balloon out.
There's two things that I have noticed. The first is that there are different money habits and when people's money habits are so different and there's no room for them to grow together, things can become a little bit tricky. You probably have someone in your friend group and maybe you are that couple where like Sally is really frugal and
she saves a lot she tracks all of her money and she has a goal to buy a house and Jason is like you know what screw it like he's obsessed with I don't know fortnight that was just the first thing that came to mind but you know he's spending his money on things that are in alignment with his goals and like makes him happy but they're not in alignment with a couple goals and then Sally starts to wonder like should I just start saving up to buy a house on my own should I just separate my finances like how is this going to work and if they don't have those high
harder conversations, not to say they're doomed, but if they don't have those conversations, it makes it really harder to get on the same page. Those are things that are usually easier to fix. Now, the harder parts and the types of relationships where money comes in and it's a bit of a red flag for them is when they have financial infidelity.
It is what I mentioned when partners are like, I'm going to hide my money or I'm not sure about this. Let me do things on my own that my husband or my wife doesn't need to know about. Or if I start this like side business, they don't need to know about the extra income coming in. Or if I have an inheritance coming, they don't need to know about that.
That is a lot harder because now we've got deceit. We've got things that can cause a lot of distrust once things come out. And trust me, And trust me, if I have learned and seen anything, things always come out. The truth always comes out. So the financial infidelity part is like, I don't even know why you do it.
But nonetheless, those are the two main reasons, different money habits and financial infidelity. Those are the main reasons that cause issues in relationships. But that is okay because we're going to talk it out. We're going to run through some steps of things that you can do to make sure you're on the right track, some tips and
some advice and honestly by the end of this episode I think you're going to be like it's okay we can run through this this is going to be fine unless of course they're hiding debt from you that is not fine don't even listen to the end of this episode just like figure it out call them up in the relationship move on that is that that is something I do not appreciate
Now, the first chapter of this episode is understanding that people have different money stories and they come from different backgrounds. So communicating is the most important thing that you can do in your relationship. Like you are less likely to feel annoyed at your partner if you appreciate the difference in how they have grown up to how you have grown up.
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Chapter 3: How can couples navigate financial infidelity?
It is very unlikely that you've grown up in the exact same way. And so you, again, might have come from an immigrant background. You have frugal parents and you've learned to be really frugal. But then also you might have grown up with a family that had a lot of money and then lost it all. And therefore you're like extremely frugal and you're always scared.
And no matter how much you have, you always have that scarcity mindset. On the other hand, you might have had a partner that also had really frugal parents, but because they always get told like, no, no, no, no, no. Now they have adult money and they're like, nice. Like I can spend what I want. Like no one can stop me. And so they really are like kind of making up for lost time.
And I always say that money and your relationships with money and your partner's relationship with money is very similar. to what happens when you look at like eating habits between partners and look at their family's eating habits. Like I have found that my husband's family, when I go over, their love language is to give you a soda can.
You all turn up and they'll be like, ginger beer, Sprite, Coke, what do you want? And I'll be like, just a water. And they'll be like, no. They just love to show care through giving you like something in your hand to drink. And on the flip side, my family is very similar. If you turn up, they will give you something to eat. You have to eat. And if you're not hungry, you have to eat.
And so my husband and I, now if someone comes to our house, we're forcing them to have a drink and we're forcing them to eat. We've like combined the best and the worst of both of our upbringings. And money is the exact same.
If you come from different backgrounds, which of course you will, you didn't grow up in the same household and that would be kind of weird, then you're going to just view money differently. So it's so important, I always say, to like just understand where they're coming from and talk to them. Be like, hey, what was money like growing up?
Was money tight or was it like loosely kind of given out and how does that affect you today?
and explain to them where you're coming from so the next time you do something that maybe they don't like they're like you know what it's because of how she grew up or it's because of how he grew up and therefore you're not like angry at each other you're just coming from a place of understanding I have two friends where one of them has grown up with a lot of financial um
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Chapter 4: What are the different money mindsets couples may have?
up and down in her life. And so while she has a very stable job and makes good money, she's still very scared to spend it and doesn't want to splurge on things. And if she met someone that came into her life, they'd be like, you make all this money, like, why won't you just spend it? Like, you're just so tight-knit.
wound but if they heard like her family had this business and then it all fell apart and then you know she's now in charge of looking after them they would understand exactly where she's coming from. Now the next part of this episode is doing the thing that is really really hard which is chatting to your partner about money. I don't think anyone goes into a relationship and is like
yeah, it's really easy. We like sat down, we talked it out and we were on the same page. That like very rarely happens. In my own case, I still remember exactly where I was when I talked to my now husband about money. And it was not a straightforward conversation. It was like, I asked him how much he made and he was like, that's private. And I was like, this is my entire job. Like
what do you mean it's private? And he was like, you know, I've grown up where we don't talk about our salaries. It's just, it's not important. It doesn't always lead to good things. And therefore I'd like to keep it private. And that was really interesting because I share my salary with the world. Like I'm so forthcoming and I had to understand where he was coming from.
What has worked really well for us and what I've seen has worked for other couples is sitting down together and making sure that you have the same goals and and making sure that you can work towards those goals. So some questions that I like to ask was, what is something that you've dreamed of owning together? Should we catch up regularly to talk about our money?
What are your biggest financial worries as a couple? Are you scared that it will all go away? Are you scared that we won't reach our dreams? Are you scared that you won't get your dream car?
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Chapter 5: How do you communicate effectively about finances with your partner?
What does that look like? And how do you feel about risk? I think about my parents' relationship where I guess my mom was the original investy bestie because she would say things to my dad like, we should buy a rental property. So and so have a rental property. We should invest. So and so invest. And my dad was just too scared because from his perspective, he grew up with not a lot whatsoever.
He's genuinely grew up from what's considered the poverty line. if you like look in today's terms within India and did really well for himself by moving out, coming to New Zealand and having like a middle-class lifestyle. And my parents only had their one home. They never bought a rental property. They never invested outside of their retirement funds.
Specifically for my dad, it was just too scary. So he was like the handbrake in the relationship. He wouldn't commit to doing something like that. And I feel like watching that made me the complete opposite where I'm like, let's take a risk. Let's buy things. Like I sometimes don't compute that this is like a large transaction.
I'm buying a home or I'm buying a rental property or I'm, you know, putting money into shares. For me, I'm like, if I don't take that risk, it's going to negatively impact me down the line in the way that I've seen it negatively impact my parents because they weren't able to build well outside of their primary home and their nine to five jobs. And so as a result of
It's so important to have those conversations with your partner and to feel like you're a team. And this might be a little bit nerdy, but at this point, you know me. You know what I'm about on this page. You know what I'm here for. I am here to be so extra with money. And so my husband and I made a diagram. Like we got this big A3 piece of paper and we got like sharpies out. I'm a brainstormer.
I want to visualize it.
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Chapter 6: What are the best ways to structure finances as a couple?
So we said, what does life look like when we're 40? And then we made four different categories. And from memory, it was like health, lifestyle, career, relationship, and family. And then you ask yourselves, like, these are really hard questions, but it's so important to talk it out. Do you want kids? Yes or no? Do you want to live in a home or do you want to live in an apartment?
Do you want to rent? Do you want to stay in the city that you're in? Is there somewhere else you want to move? What do your careers look like? What kind of giving back do you want to do? Do you want to help family? Is it important for you to help your siblings? What does it all look like?
And getting really clear on those goals and having those conversations, in my opinion, is actually really fun because Because there might be things that you assumed both you and your partner wanted to do, but maybe it was only something you wanted to do. And then when you talked it out, they're like, oh, that actually wasn't on my radar, but yeah, I'm so down for that and vice versa.
And so by doing that, you can also start to kind of see if there are any red flags, because as you're talking about what you want to achieve, where things are going, how things look, I feel like two things happen. Again, this is like a very heteronormative episode where I'm assuming like your partner is a guy or I'm assuming like those kind of things all line up.
I can only really speak on my own experience and like what I have seen around me. But what I have found is if you do this kind of exercise. It tends to weed out people that don't see themselves living a life with you over 10 years. And the answers are like, oh, I don't know. Like, I'll see. We'll figure it out. I'm okay. Why do we need it? And you're like... do you not want to be with me?
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Chapter 7: How important are prenups in a relationship?
I am not saying like do this on a third date and then be like, do you see yourself with me in 10 years? Yes or no? No, go away. Yes, like let's keep chatting. That's not what I'm saying. But maybe you've been together for a while and you're ready to have that conversation. That's when these kind of goal-based conversations are actually really helpful. Another thing that I've found is when you have
have these kind of goal-based conversations, you can start to weed out if someone is being secretive or if they're being controlling. Are they being secretive about their money that they have, their income, their inheritances, the debt that they have? Do they have like a gambling problem or are they taking way too many risks and not really committing to something? You're
Another thing is, are they controlling? Are they the kind of partner that wants to take over the finances and be like, honey, don't worry about it. I got it. I feel like in 2026, that can feel like such a luxury to be like, oh, I can just relax and I don't have to worry. And like my guys got it. But in all honesty, it's fun to have a good partner that you can rely on. But so many times,
more times than not, we see the negative impact of relying too much on your partner to take care of the finances. You should still have access to all the accounts. You should still have a monthly check-in. If your partner is the person managing the finances, then your partner should still be the person that gives you a quarterly report on your finances. They are the CFO of the family, sure, but
I want to know what income came in, what income went out, how much are our investments doing? Do we have investments? Do we have savings funds? Like, what does that look like? And if they're like, I'm not doing that, then you go, okay, that's fine. Then I still want to be involved.
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Chapter 8: What steps can couples take to ensure financial security?
I want to know where things are. If God forbid, like touch wood, something happens to you, I need to know the bank accounts. I need to know the passwords. I need to know where everything is. And I do not want to find a secret account with like hidden debt or a secret account with like hidden cash. So fess up now, buddy, because this is the relationship that we're going into here.
Let's take a little break. And now back to the show. The reason why I want to really focus on having a conversation about goals is because when two people are on the same page about a goal, the alignment just like adds up. It's kind of like when you work in a team at a job or if you're like part of a sports team.
If your goal as a team and like a netball game or a soccer game is to get points, then everything that everyone is doing is to align to that goal. The ball gets moved down the court. I can't believe I'm doing sports analogies. Like, who am I? This is because I had a tennis lesson yesterday. This is really what it is. But you all have the same goal and then you work to achieve it.
If you don't have the same goals as partners, even if that goal is as simple as we just want to build our emergency fund together or we just want to save up to be able to buy a home together or to buy a rental together, by having that goal, you're aligning and working towards it.
And suddenly it gets a lot easier to have discussions of like, hey, I've noticed that you are buying lunch all the time at work. I get that you want to do that, but it's not really helping us reach that goal of buying our first home. We both really need to put our heads down and do this together.
And that's a lot easier of a conversation to have than, hey, you're spending a lot eating out at work and I just don't like that. And I'm trying to save and we're trying to save and without a goal, it just feels like, well... I'd rather just eat out. Like I'd rather just have like a nice meal. So what's the issue there? Like you just end up gridlocking.
Now, the other part of having a goal, which makes life so much easier is when you and your partner then can make a budget off the back of these goals. I highly recommend using like a budget planner, which accounts for every single dollar where you can plug in your money, they can plug in their money, and then you figure out, okay, we both make like $80,000 a year or $100,000 a year. We have...
a $200,000 family income. That's crazy. Where does all that money go? How much do we have left over? What is our savings rate? And so Income and Budget Planner is actually a really great free way to do that. We've had 50,000 people reply to one Instagram story to download it and we've kept it free. If you just go to friendsandinvest.com, you can have it.
It's like literally the first thing you'll see and you can just take it and sitting down with a person I've done this with my husband and it was so helpful for us to go okay you make this much I make this much yes I got his income in the end yes I did it before we got married we sit down we put in our salaries and then we go
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