Chapter 1: What funny sex stories are shared in this episode?
A listener production. This is Happy Hour with Lucy and Nikki.
And if you're easily offended, then this might not be for you. I fell to the floor, pissing myself laughing and just said, bro, what? He's laughing too, but genuinely confused that I'm not into it. He goes, what? All girls love turtles and being fucked like them, don't they? Cheers, babes. Welcome to Happy Hour with Lucy and Nikki, the real life shit you only discuss over a drink.
But before we start, a little disclaimer.
So today we are here for crazy sex stories.
Yeah, baby. We have got an array of goods for you. We have got the turtle position, WTF you might be thinking. We have got a threesome over some schnapps.
A very hot international threesome.
Really hot international threesome. I just picture like Oktoberfest vibes.
Yeah. Like them wearing like the little overalls. But they're in Albania, which kind of freaked me out and reminded me of Hostel. Me personally, listening to this episode, like recording this episode, I should say, I go through like my, I'm so bipolar at the moment with where I'm at. I like go from one minute being like, is it my time to lean into a bit of promiscuous girl behavior?
And then on the next breath, I'm like, I'm boy sober.
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Chapter 2: How did the 'turtle position' come about in a story?
Okay, story number one. Hit me. Not turtley enough for the turtle club. Do you remember that line?
Yeah, am I not turtley enough for the turtle club? I don't know. It sounds like Adam Sandler vibes.
Literally. Okay, the one and only time I thought I was going home with the rando from the club was a good idea. Years ago, I'd recently broken up with my first proper boyfriend and was finally ready to get back out there. I'd never had a one night stand and the term alone felt so grown up and hot. So I was like, fuck it, I'm going to do it. So I took myself out on the town.
Too many drinks later, I find myself in the smokers area, flirting and yapping with this hot tradie. Not exactly what I'd envisioned, but hey, not the worst either. We go back to his house and things start heating up. Until he tells me in a tone that I will never forget. Get ready. I'm going to fuck you like a turtle and you're going to love it.
What? Oh, wow. I'm blushing even thinking about how awkwardly I would respond to that.
I would have been so like... I'd be like, get away from me, you freak. You freak. I beg your finest pardon, sir. What the actual fuck does that mean? Surely I misheard him. I just stood there in silence, wide-eyed, waiting for him to laugh or clarify. Instead... He goes to his wardrobe, pulls out a pillow, like one of those footstools that you'd see at your grandma's, and throws it on the floor.
He tells me, hop on like a turtle would. Now, if you can imagine a turtle.
What, like with your arms and legs like out? No, no, like on all fours in the crouch.
Hang on, I'm reading more.
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Chapter 3: What happens when a girl wakes up naked in the wrong bed?
He tells me hop on like a turtle would. Now if you imagine a turtle and how one would position itself, yes, on all fours but crouched low. I can't believe I'm even typing this.
See, I would have thought I would imagine turtles. I'm going to show you. I imagine. What are you doing? Like arms and legs out, like arms and legs not included.
Oh, my God. Okay, I'm like this. This is what I thought. Oh, I'm thinking like... They fucking didn't take you home. Babe, this is why I don't fuck people.
I think she meant a sleeping turtle, not a swimming turtle. Yeah, gotcha. Lucy's a turtle on the move. A turtle on the run. Okay. Nervous and naked, I do as I'm told. I crouch down on the pillow. In a split second, without warning, he picks me and the pillow up from behind, holds us out in front of him, puts it in and starts aggressively thrusting. Oh, dude, this is fucked up.
Sex is so weird.
Also, how strong is this man?
Yeah, that I'm into. I'm kind of like. If anyone's got that much direction, I'm probably following this. I'm picking up what they're putting down.
If you could pick me up on a pillow. Yeah. That's pretty beautiful. I'm so big. Me and you are like, that simply isn't possible.
Yeah.
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Chapter 4: How does a spontaneous threesome unfold over schnapps?
I guess I wasn't totally enough for the turtle club. And also, genuinely, guys or girls, is this a thing? Is that a thing? Has anyone ever been shagged like that before? We need to know. Ask the people.
I have had a... That's a fucking bit of an epiphany lately, babe. What? And I reckon everyone has such a style when they shag.
Yeah.
He's a turtley dude, it would appear. That's pretty niche style. Well, I would say that's niche. And very directional. But honestly, there is something odd about someone that just knows what they want. Well...
I do think you're more inclined to try new things with someone that's confidently leading charge.
Yeah. Like I like when someone's like confident in the bedroom. Yeah. Because I'm a bit like coy. Yeah, for sure. So if someone can like throw me around, I'm like, woohoo.
Yeah, or like, you know, take direction. Like, okay. But like... I don't know, the specific pillow in the cupboard, ready to go, turtle references.
Have you seen something in like a movie or something in Iraq or like some kind of unusual animal porn?
Yeah.
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Chapter 5: What embarrassing moments occur during a drunken night out?
This would later bite me.
Oh, God.
Anyway, we end up going back to his place, had a few drinks and started doing the deed. Don't worry, I'm stressed. It started to burn and I was thinking this doesn't feel right but mum didn't raise me to be a quitter so I pushed through and finished. He put on Wolf Creek because I'm Australian and he thought it would remind me of home. Lol. This is quite the dark thing.
Oh yeah, this is a freaky day.
Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Ew, a thin man eating hot wings. There's something very scary about it.
Wait, something about skinny people can punish food. Like, I bet they eat whole wieners vibe.
Oh, and tall skinny dudes have massive dicks.
Yeah, that's a thing, isn't it? Apparently.
Apparently. Apparently. I genuinely don't know what was worse, the chili burn or the fact that I couldn't fit into his shirt. Or Wolf Creek. Oh, remember when I watched... So I was like briefly seeing this guy and everything was just wrong. And remember we watched It and he wanted Hungry Jacks? I was like, there's something so cooked about this.
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Chapter 6: What unexpected twist happens during a casual hookup?
Sorry. It's so weird. Sorry, I just... But like if someone's not confident, like... Fucking make a move, cunt. You need to. I can't. I need someone that's got a bit of that energy.
Do you know what you need to do, babe? What? Have your sober moment, whatever. You need to find a fuck buddy for when your brother moves out.
When you, yeah, I didn't know where that sentence was going when you were putting my brother's name to it.
Jim is moving out. You're worried about being alone. Fucking relish in having the house to yourself and your big fur rug that you need to christen, need to have a root on the fur. You need to find a fuck buddy and that is the challenge I put to you.
Fuck buddies are just not my vibe, babe. I've got too many feelings.
You're going to have a boyfriend one day and a child. Get rooted on your mink fur, okay? I'm sick of it. It's actually sheep's wool. The whole thing. Oh, my God. It's very lush. I know. I can't wait to come and lay on it. I love sleeping on rugs. Remember we'd stay at our rich friend's house and he'd be like, it's a spare room. We're like, oh, we'll just sleep down at the dungeon on the rug.
Perfect.
I know. You should. Have fun. I don't have sex without feelings, babe. I've got too many emotions. Yeah, but I think you could. I could if they were really hot and like I knew they were a fuckboy. I think it's like a project-based thing.
Like just look at it as like a winter rendezvous.
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Chapter 7: How do the hosts navigate their dating lives while discussing past experiences?
Because they've got to be able to come to your house.
I think the one that, anyway. Yeah. We don't need to talk about that. Okay. I thought it was romance. It was actually heat stroke. I was seeing a guy and on our third date, he cooked me a beautiful dinner at his house. After dinner, he asked if I wanted to have a bath. Again, I would feel so wigged out if someone asked me for a bath.
Oh, I wouldn't. I'd love it.
Really? I like baths. I like anything to be a bit relaxed. Yeah, true. And I happily agreed. We'd already slept together on our second date, so I thought this was sweet. He told me to pour a glass of wine each while he went to run the bath. When it was ready, we both stripped down and went to get in. I put a foot in and said, wow, that's a bit hot.
He told me it would cool down shortly and not to worry. So I sucked it up... But the whole time I was thinking, Jesus Christ, this water is fucking hot. We were in for about 15 minutes and then started having sex. The water was over. Sex in the bath, it's not for me. It's so messy.
Yeah.
And also just uncomfortable and my knees hurt.
Water smashing everywhere.
Also, I'm not a huge fan of the shower.
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Chapter 8: What lessons can be learned from these outrageous sex stories?
I kind of get it because they get so hot. Yeah. Like your body's like it takes so long to recover. Yeah.
I like one bath a quarter, I reckon.
Specifically. Oh, it's nearly the end of June. Better get that bath in.
Better get in the Q2 bath. But, like, do you know what I mean? Like, I'm not, I could, I reckon I've had three baths. I've got a bath at home. I reckon I've had three baths.
Yeah. Your bath is nice. My bath is so shallow. My bath is really nice. You'll want to come over and have a bath. Your bath is great. Mine is like, no, bath is perfect for Rafa.
Yeah, great.
If I sit in the bath, like the water kind of just covers like my pubic bone. Maybe up to the hips. You have to really sink in and I'm just too long. It's like a doodle. I want to get it pulled out, to be honest, because I shower with Rafa anyway. Oh, you're nice. I just find the baths a bit overwhelming.
Just, yeah.
Yeah. Get rid of the bath.
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