How to Get a Girlfriend with Connell Barrett
How to Be Bold, Flirty—and Never, Ever ‘That Creepy Guy’: A Dating Guide for Modern Gentlemen
Tue, 03 Jun 2025
Dating and flirting can feel like a minefield. If you’re like many men in the #MeToo era, the fear of seeming creepy or weird can crush your confidence. In this episode of “How to Get a Girlfriend,” dating coach and bestselling author Connell Barrett shows you how to be bold, flirty, and totally respectful, so you can charm women without crossing any lines. This is your guide to building a real connection with class and confidence—as the modern gentleman women actually want!Highlights of this Episode:01:23: Avoid the Lunge, the First-Kiss Mistake that Women Hate06:25: How to Text Her in a Persistent, Charming Way—without Being Pushy or Thirsty09:30: The Do’s and Don’ts of Office Romance14:42: Should You Ask Her Permission to Kiss Her?18:21: How to Sext in the Way Many Women Want25:33: What to Do—and Not Do—When She Visits Your Place for the First Time27:58: How to Respectfully Get Consent without Killing the Mood34:49: The Story of Alex, Who Helped Connell Become a Better Man42:00: What Women Need Most from Men TodayFOR A FREE STRATEGY CALL WITH CONNELL TO FIND OUT IF DATING COACHING CAN HELP YOU ATTRACT YOUR DREAM GIRLFRIEND:http://www.datingtransformation.comWANT A FREE COPY OF CONNELL’S NO. 1 AMAZON BESTSELLING BOOK, “DATING SUCKS BUT YOU DON’T”? EMAIL CONNELL AND WRITE “FREE BOOK” IN THE SUBJECT LINE AND YOU’LL GET IT INSTANTLY:[email protected]
Chapter 1: What is the litmus test for being a man?
But I also want you to know that the litmus test for being a man is not how good you are with women. The litmus test for being a man is how good you are to women. Welcome back to the How to Get a Girlfriend podcast. I am your host, dating coach, Conal Barrett, helping you flirt with confidence, get more dates, and get a great girlfriend, all by being authentic. Authenticity is the secret.
And I want to open with a quick story from many, many years ago about a date I had that might resonate with you. Years ago, I'm on a first date. And I'm walking a woman named Stephanie to the subway from the bar. We just had our first date. And I hear this little voice in my head saying, kiss her, kiss her. As we walked to the subway, it's now or never do it.
And Stephanie and I stopped at a crosswalk near the end of the date. And then I went for it, but she had been checking her phone. So when she looked up, My incoming lips must have seemed like a sneak attack. She recoiled. And I caught the corner of her pursed mouth for a very awkward first kiss that she did not see coming. And I said, oh, my God, I'm so sorry. I felt clumsy.
I felt a little bit creepy. And she said, it's okay. And then she vanished down the steps to catch the train. Good night. And there was no second date. She went totally quiet. Now, looking back years later, I now realize my rookie mistake. I call it the lunge. What is the lunge?
Chapter 2: What is 'the lunge' mistake in dating?
It happens near the end of a date when a guy like you or me, you sense that you've been playing it too safe and you feel pressure to make a move because you don't want to get friend-zoned. But at the same time, you don't want to make a woman feel uncomfortable, especially in the Me Too era. And so finally, feeling that you have to do something, you just go for the first kiss.
You lunge like a quarterback heaving a desperation fourth down pass. This usually doesn't end well because the woman is surprised, it's miscalibrated, and she either pulls back, which sucks and hurts, or she endures an awkward lip lock like poor Stephanie did that evening many years ago. If you're like most men, the Me Too era has made dating even more confusing than it was before.
Chapter 3: How should I text her charmingly without being pushy?
You're a good-hearted guy, and you probably... If you're like a lot of guys, you feel caught between two extremes. On the one hand, you don't want to do anything appropriate. On the other hand, you fear that not making a move is going to lead you to hearing the dreaded, hey, let's just be friends, or I'm just not feeling a connection.
And so new dating lines have been drawn post Me Too, and you might not be sure where they are. Can you approach in the daytime, or is that harassment? Can you ask for her number? Or do you have to wait until she gives her number to you? Do you need verbal consent before sex, before foreplay, before kissing? Can you sext a woman? Is that creepy and wrong?
Well, in today's episode, I want to address some of the biggest problems that you might be facing in terms of looking for love here in the Me Too era. And I have really good news. I want you to know that because you are a man with integrity, you're a gentleman with good intentions, that actually dating today is gonna be, it's easier than you think. You can still make moves.
Chapter 4: What are the do’s and don’ts of office romance?
You just have to do it the right way. And also at the end of this episode, I'm gonna share a really powerful personal story about a woman I once knew, the love of my life. In the 2010s, I dedicated my book to her, Dating Sucks But You Don't. I dedicated my book to her. She's a woman I knew and used to date. She is a survivor of sexual assault.
And just knowing her and being with her as she went through that experience really opened my eyes to the importance of the Me Too movement and just helped me become a better, more empathetic man. So let's get into it. First things first, as I tell my clients, and I want to tell you, my podcast listener, that the Me Too movement affects men, but it's not about men. It's not about you.
It's not about me. It's about the awareness of the widespread mistreatment and abuse of women and girls. It's also about empathizing with survivors and sufferers of that mistreatment. And I believe the Me Too movement is also about our men doing our part to make women's lives better. And so I think the Me Too movement is a cultural shift that is welcome and long overdue.
And yes, a lot of men, and maybe you, are undeniably and understandably afraid of making some dating missteps. But that misses the point, which is the main point of the Me Too movement, at least through the lens of men, is empathy for women. So please don't be that guy who, because of the Me Too era,
tells his date, oh, well, you're going to have to make the first move now because men can't do it anymore. Women hate that mentality because it shows a lack of understanding about the meaning of the movement. And plus, women still want men to be men. They still want us to lead the dating dance. and understanding this is going to help you better connect with women. Okay.
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Chapter 5: Should you ask for permission to kiss her?
So what I want to do first today is I want to go through nine or 10 of the most common dating questions and dating problems that I hear from men relating to the me too era. So here's some of the most common questions about how to date in 2025 and beyond. Um, Here's the first question. I get this one a lot. What's the difference between flirting and misconduct? Well, it's pretty simple.
Flirting is showing romantic interest in a charming, light manner. And it also refers to behaving appropriately based on how she responds. So if she likes your flirting, you can keep going. If she doesn't like your flirting, you can wish her well and move on. You did not harass a woman by flirting with her. You simply took a shot at romance. There is nothing wrong with that.
Misconduct or harassment is when a guy pursues or imposes his sexual interest on a woman, often in a vulgar way, a deceptive way, or a manipulative way. And that is misconduct and harassment if the woman is not interested, okay? Next question, can I be persistent without being harassing? Yes, if you're elegant about it. Here's a simple rule. If she's obviously not into you, move on.
If you have clear evidence that she is not into you, move on. But if you're not sure if she's interested, find out in a respectful, charming way. The proper amount of persistence is often rewarded by women. But persisting when there's clearly no interest from her, that can become harassment.
Chapter 6: How to sext effectively without crossing lines?
So, for example, let's say you match with a woman on a dating app and she doesn't reply to your first message in a day or two. That doesn't mean she's ghosted you. She may be busy. She may just have other things going on. So feel free to send a follow-up positive, light, playful, positive follow-up message, almost like a short PS to your opener. Oh, PS, by the way, I love your skydiving photos.
I'm curious, how many jumps have you done? So this approach, following up with some persistence and lightness is really gonna serve you well over time. I've had many different women say to me, hey, I liked that you were persistent. But what they also meant was, I like that you were persistent, but also charming. What I didn't write was, hey, why didn't you write me back? Did you get my message?
Why didn't you write me back? Don't be that guy. Now, if she doesn't reply after two or three messages, let it go. What you never want to do is get upset or angry or grow negative or judgmental. That can verge on harassment. You want to understand that, hey, some women are going to be into texting and meeting you. Plenty aren't. Even if they match with you, it's totally cool.
Most men either give up too soon, which is what you probably do, or they keep trying and send 14 creepy, weird text messages. That's way too much. You want to find that sweet spot in the Persist with charm and then move on when you have crystal clear evidence that she's not interested. Okay? Next question. Is it okay to date somebody I work with? I'm not a fan of office romances.
Even if you and your crush are of equal status at the company, dating a woman who you work with is dating disaster, courting disaster. A smarter strategy... would be to use the tools I share here on the podcast and create an abundant dating life outside of work so you can keep your office a romance-free space.
Now, absolutely do not date or pursue a woman who you supervise or manage or have power over at work. It's just wrong. It can lead to a hornet's nest of problems for you, for her, for your company, and such as harassment claims, accusations of unfair treatment by other employees, not to mention litigation, just don't do it. Next question. Should I wait for a woman who I like to ask me out?
No, don't wait for it. If it happens, if she goes all Sadie Hawkins day on you, awesome, be flattered, but don't wait for it. In general, you want to be the one moving things forward you want to lead that dating dance. Dating is a dance and our job as a man is to lead that dance. Actually, about nine out of 10 women prefer to be asked out rather than doing the asking according to psychology today.
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Chapter 7: What should you do when she visits your place for the first time?
And similarly, you don't want to just give her your number and leave it for her to contact you unless she prefers this. I matched with a woman on the league once and I remember vividly I said, hey, what's your number? We should set up a time to meet up for a date. And she said, here's my number. By the way, thank you. Thank you for asking or thank you for asking me for my number.
I hate when guys give me theirs. When you give a woman your number. there's a really good chance that she's going to feel like you're putting her in the masculine role. And women don't want that role. Typically, typically women want a more feminine role. They want the man to do the asking and she says yes or no. So you're the man. It's up to you to ask. It's up for her to say yes, no, or maybe.
Can I still make romantic gestures on dates? Yes, absolutely. Open doors, pick up checks, walk her to her car. while noticing how she's responding, of course, just make sure to keep the romantic gestures really small. What I mean by small is no lavish gifts. Don't give her flowers in the first couple of dates. Don't send her love poetry. I had a client named Kevin who would get a crush on a woman.
After one date, he would send, he sent her like a 80 line poem that he wrote about her. No, you don't need to win her over. You are already enough as you are, okay? And don't forget that. You struggle with dating, right? Sure, you have a good job and cool friends, but you just aren't sure how to flirt, the apps don't work for you, and sometimes women put you in the friend zone. It's frustrating.
Hey, I struggled with dating too. As an introvert and a total nerd, I didn't just live in the friend zone, I owned real estate there. But I escaped. Using the dating philosophy of radical authenticity, which I've used to help thousands of men in 17 countries find love. It's what I wrote about in my bestselling book, Dating Sucks But You Don't.
And radical authenticity is why psychology today called me the best dating coach in America. And now I want to personally help you attract your dream girlfriend. So go to datingtransformation.com and book a free call with me. I'll On our call, I'll tell you how my one-on-one coaching will help you find your dream girlfriend, and you'll be doing it by flirting with confidence and authenticity.
No creepy pickup tricks needed. So go to datingtransformation.com, book a free call today, and let my personalized coaching help you get a great girlfriend. Can I go for a first kiss? Yes, absolutely, you can and should go for the first kiss. Just avoid the lunge, okay? I prefer a more stair-step approach to that first kiss.
You know, you have that first date, you greet her with a nice warm hug, you emotionally connect, maybe a little bit of physical contact, playful tap on her shoulder, touch her arm at times, open up emotionally, notice if she's laughing, if she's enjoying you, if she's returning some of the touch and some of the flirtatious glances, then maybe hold her hand or go for the handhold.
And once you're holding a woman's hand, if she holds your hand back, she's basically saying, I'm ready to be kissed. So that's when you go in. So save your lunges for the gym. Take it from me. Should I ask her permission to kiss her? Should you ask permission to kiss a woman? Well, yes, if you're a time-traveling knight from medieval Europe looking for love in the present day.
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Chapter 8: What do women need most from men today?
It's like she was talking to all men. I really appreciated that from Maggie. Next question. What if I want to turn up the heat over text, but I don't want to cross a line? Basically, this question is about sexting. Is it okay to sext women? So sexting is more than permissible and okay, as long as there's already existing chemistry and as long as she has consented to it.
So what I mean is you want to ease into sexting. Don't go from how was your day to what are you wearing instantly, okay? Don't go from zero to 69 in seven seconds. You want to build up to it. Build that heat gradually. So you might start with something kind of G or PG rated. Like let's say you have a really good date. You guys have a nice, sexy kiss on the date.
Next day, you might text her, hey, I can't stop thinking about how great you looked last night. Now what you want to do is read her response, figuratively and literally. Read it. If she flirts back, oh, yeah? Well, what did you like about what I wore last night? Or what did you like about how I looked last night? And then that's where you could escalate it a little bit more.
Well, your dress was low cut and it was driving me crazy. I had to use all my willpower not to pull you closer. Now, then you want to check her response to that, right? If she keeps playing along, she writes something like, well, who says you had to resist that urge? Winky face, devil emoji. She's giving you consent to keep notching it up. Yeah.
then you might write, careful, I am this close to telling you what I would love to do next time I see you. You're not telling her yet. You're hinting at it. And then she might say, ooh, I want to know, what do you want to do with me when you get me alone? Boom, now you are about to have sexed. So think of it as like sexy, slow escalation, mutual, slow, sexy escalation.
You're leading the dance and she's following. It's mutual and it's really hot. Now, what if she shuts it down? That's fine too. Let's back up. Let's say you write something like, I can't stop thinking about how great you looked last night, dot, dot, dot. And then she just writes back, oh, thanks. I had fun. Okay.
She's not, she may very well be open to another date with you, but she's basically not in the in the sexting mode or mood at that moment and then you would just pull back from there right uh so you always just want to read that room okay bottom line is you want to heat things up when it's shared and mutual and if it's not dial it down that's essentially we want to baby step this
Next and one last question, common question I get about dating in the Me Too era. Can I compliment a woman's appearance without offending her? Good question. Yes, you just want to do it with class. You want to tie her appearance. I like to tie it to something that she put effort into. So yes, a woman can absolutely enjoy hearing how pretty she is or how she looks incredible to you.
And you want to offer that compliment with authenticity, with warmth, respect. I like to, here's the secret. If you're going to compliment something about her appearance, I like to make it about how incredible she looks in that gorgeous dress she's wearing. as opposed to her body parts.
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