How to Get a Girlfriend with Connell Barrett
Stop Freezing Up IRL: How to Confidently Talk to Women Anywhere Without Overthinking
22 Jan 2026
Chapter 1: Why do people freeze up when talking to women?
Less is more. This is not a Cheesecake Factory menu. I want to keep it simple. Welcome back to the How to Get a Girlfriend podcast. I'm your host, dating coach, and bestselling author, Conal Barrett. I want to help you know what to say, how to flirt, and attract that incredible girlfriend. And do it all by being authentic. And today's topic is knowing exactly what to say.
I think the single most common problem I hear from guys when they come to me and talk about wanting some dating help is they say, I see women in real life and I see women at my gym. I see women at the bar and I never talk to them. I just don't know what to say. I don't know what to say. That's the most common problem I hear from men. And that's what today's episode's about.
I want to tell you and give you exactly what to say. Because if you're like me 20 years ago, and if you're like most men today, or most single men anyway, you see some pretty incredible women who you would love to meet. You probably see them at Starbucks, at your gym. If you're a bar guy, you might see them at your local bar when you go out a couple nights a week.
And you want to talk to that interesting, attractive, bubbly, cute girl, but you just don't know what to say. And so when you don't know what to say, you freeze and you miss your chance. And then if you beat yourself up, it's so frustrating. It's so frustrating.
So the very first time I ever decided I needed to get my dating life into a better place, I was at a Starbucks on Park Avenue, 29th and Park here in New York City. And there was this gorgeous woman sitting by herself, brunette, on a Sunday afternoon. And I walked over to try to say something. But I didn't know what the right thing to say was.
And so I literally circled her chair for 90 seconds like a frightened shark. And then I went back and sat down and tried to figure out, okay, I'll say this. I'll say that.
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Chapter 2: What is the What-to-Say Method?
And then she got up, walked out. probably out to meet some other guy. And it certainly wasn't me. And so that made me just beat myself up. I felt so frustrated. I was like, why can't I talk to women? And if you can't or don't talk to women out in the real world, then this can leave you to settling for women you're just not that attracted to.
Or it means you pretty much are stuck with whatever scraps you can get on the dating apps if the apps aren't working for you. So that's where I was once upon a time. And yeah, so if you're not approaching women and you're struggling on the apps, then you've got pretty much no dating life at all. At that point, Netflix is pretty much your girlfriend. Okay?
So today's episode, I want to help you with that. I want you to know exactly what to say. to confidently talk with women out in the real world, in your normal day-to-day or night-to-night life. Because I want you to become the man who can talk to any woman anywhere comfortably, confidently, so that you get out of your head, you're not constantly overthinking.
So I want to share with you what I call my what-to-say method. This what to say method is how to know what to say, even if you're in your head. Even if your inner monologue sounds like a hostage negotiation, you're going to know what to say at the end of this episode. And also, this is about 90% rejection proof. About 90%.
Using the elegant framework I'm going to share with you right now, this will get a positive response response. somewhere between polite and very attracted to you 90% of the time. And a little bit of background as to how I came up with this. I used to get so in my head around attractive women. I was in my late 30s. I was still 38 and I still had never approached a woman in my whole life.
I froze up so often. Oh my God, people were checking me for frostbite. I froze up like I had 27 tabs open on my computer.
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Chapter 3: How can I start a conversation at a coffee shop?
All my RAM was taken by, what do I say? How's it going to go? Will she like me? So then I started approaching women, kind of forcing myself to do it. And then I noticed what worked. And I call what has worked best for me and then for my clients. is what I call the what to say method. So I've been a dating coach for 14 years and I've used this training that I'm going to share with you today.
Hundreds of guys have used this in 21 different countries. So you're about to learn exactly what to say. And the cool thing about knowing what to say is that you can finally go talk to women competently and confidently knowing that you're saying the right thing. This can help you get more dates and you can finally delete the apps. Because when you can walk up to women and say the right thing,
Dude, the world becomes your dating app. The world becomes Tinder, except a Tinder that actually works for you. The world becomes Tinder for you, but you're Ryan Gosling. It'll work. So here we go. Here is my what to say method. Let's get right to it. Okay, so when you see that woman you want to meet, wherever you are, bar, coffee shop, gym, you don't need some perfect line.
and you don't need some canned scripted line. You just need one of three options. Here they are. Option A, give her a G-rated compliment. Option B, ask her a genuine question. Option C, share a specific observation. That's it.
Compliment, question, observation. That simple.
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Chapter 4: What should I say when approaching women at a bar?
Just three options, not 12 options. Less is more. Less is more. This is not a Cheesecake Factory menu. I want to keep it simple. All right, let's break it down. A, compliment. You could say something like, hey, that's a great tattoo. Or, I love your glasses. Those are very cool and retro. Genuine compliments feel warm, not creepy.
And as long as you focus on her style or vibe, don't compliment body parts, okay? B, option B is a question. You ask her something that makes sense to her in that context. Say you're at Starbucks on a lazy Saturday afternoon and you're on your way up to the counter and you see a woman sitting there or next to you maybe before you order. And you might just ask her a question.
Hey, are you thinking iced coffee today or hot coffee? Just a simple question. Or at the gym. That woman gets off the treadmill. She's over at the drinking fountain. She's got her AirPods in. You might say, hey, excuse me, what's on your playlist today? What are you working out to? Simple question, right? And then option C is observation.
The observation is when you call out something that stands out to you. You make an observation. The more specific, the better. So at a bar, you observe that there's that one woman who's not on her phone, like every other person there.
Chapter 5: What are effective conversation starters for the gym?
So you might say, hey, excuse me, I love that you're the only one here not looking at your phone. Or you're at Starbucks. You might say, okay, that is the largest iced coffee I've ever seen. Damn. Did that come in a tanker? So again, compliment, question, observation. Very simple. Notice how none of these involve you doing backflips.
None of these involve you doing some planned, scripted pickup move. Just three simple options. And three options is plenty. Just three. This is flirting. It's chatting. It's not taking an SAT. This ain't the bar exam. And it's not a TED Talk. It's not a stand-up comedy routine. You don't need to give her amazing content. Ignore the coaches who give you this scripted plan stuff. Okay. Okay.
So let me give you a couple more quick examples for each one. Again, compliment, question, observation. Those are the three options you have. Compliment. Hey, that leather jacket is awesome. You look dangerous today. Feel free to add something like, are you no biker gang? Once you get comfortable, you'll start cracking jokes.
Chapter 6: What are the common reasons for hesitation in approaching women?
Another compliment could be, hey, I like that nose ring. Very punk rock. I was at a Whole Foods once years ago, and I saw a very pretty, short-haired, punk rock kind of looking girl. She had cool tattoos, badass biker chick. Think young Joan Jett. And I remember she had a nose ring in and I complimented her. I just said, hey, I love your nose ring. It's very retro. It's very early 90s.
It's very grunge. She loved it. Loved it. Next, questions, right? At a bookstore, you could ask, hey, excuse me, have you read that author before? I hear he's great. Or maybe you're at a dog park. You might say, what breed is your pooch is so cute? What breed is your super cute dog? And then observations, some more examples. You could say, again, let's say you're at a cool bar.
Women love to get their girly drinks. Espresso martini is a popular drink with women. You could say, wow, that's the biggest espresso martini I've ever seen. Or, damn, that looks strong. Whoa, that would knock me out. At the gym, observation could be, say you noticed a woman just crushing it on the treadmill. Share that with her. Hey, I think you set the treadmill speed record.
Don't get pulled over. You're making an observation, noticing something unusual.
Chapter 7: How can I overcome self-doubt in dating?
I was at the gym once, and I noticed a woman's bottle of water was shaped like a flask. It was clear and flask-shaped. So I could see this clear liquid in a flask-looking bottle. container. I observed that. You notice something. And then I just called it out. I said, hey, your flask, that's different. I've never seen that before. And then I asked her, what's in that? Is it vodka or gin?
So notice how that's an example of me blending observation, segueing over to a question. Now we're getting somewhere where you can start taking these simple three options and blend them together. Like crossing the streams in Ghostbusters becomes very powerful. So yeah, questions, compliments, observations.
And the what to say method just makes it so easy to start conversations in a really light, charming way. Here's a quick story. I met my future girlfriend. I'll call her Sabrina. Sabrina was at a coffee shop. We were sitting next to each other at a coffee shop. This is back when I was a journalist. I was working for Sports Illustrated and for magazines and Time Inc.
And I had a bunch of magazines with me. And I was doing some work on the weekend. And I looked over and saw this very pretty brunette. And she had... She had her laptop out. She was typing on her laptop. But really what I observed was she had a how-to writing book.
Chapter 8: What steps can I take to confidently talk to women?
It's called Bang the Keys. It's a writing book called Bang the Keys. I just noticed she's got a book about writing. So I observed that and then I asked her a question about it. I said, hey, pardon me, is that a writing book? Are you here writing something creative? Boom. Instant, instant conversation starter. Very receptive. She asked me about what I was doing, why I had all those magazines.
Before you know it, Sabrina and Connell are talking about how much we both love writing. Finding genuine connection. And we were on a date a couple nights later. And she and I were talking about being boyfriend-girlfriend not long after that. It all started with an observation that told me what to say.
And that's what I'm getting at here is the what to say method shows you how to start conversations in a very simple, light, charming way. And in real life, and this is really important, my clients and I have found that about 9 out of 10 times you're going to get a positive response. Somewhere between polite and positive. Not the dreaded rejection. Here's why.
Women don't reject friendly, normal conversation. They reject sexual advances. Or they reject weird, abnormal behavior. But when you say nice tattoo or what's on your gym playlist, you're just being human. There's nothing to reject. Now, she may or may not want to talk with you for two, three, five minutes. I don't know. But what is she going to say to you?
How dare you ask me what I'm listening to here at the gym, you monster. No, we have a social contact with each other to be respectful and normal and human and social. So essentially nine out of 10 times, nothing bad will happen in terms of a bad response. And if a woman does one out of 10 times come off as dismissive or say, I don't feel like talking. That's fine. That's fine.
That's not going to hurt you. That's not going to hurt you at all. But I love the what to say method the way I teach it anyway, because you're taking away the things that women reject. Women reject sexual come ons. They also just reject weird gimmicky things. My girlfriend, Jess, was out with me once. doing my approach training.
I take guys out into the clubs and bars of New York city and I'm literally their wingman helping them approach women. And Jess comes out and plays wingman, sorry, wing woman for us. And I, you know, I left her alone for a few minutes cause I was with clients and she told me that while I was gone, this guy walked up to her and said, hi there, I'm a pirate. I'm looking for my treasure.
Will you help me find my treasure? And it was just like this weird gimmicky thing that he said. She basically said, you need to talk to my boyfriend for help. So now you might be tempted to prescript what you say. Don't. Please don't prescript things. This just makes you sound robotic. If you prescript what you're going to say, you're going to sound like customer service. That's not hot.
Unless she wants to talk to a customer service representative, don't do it. You don't go through life scripting conversations like with your friends, with your family, with your coworkers, right? You go through the world being spontaneous. So why would you script your opener? Why would you script what you would say to a woman? It takes you out of the present human moment.
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