Chapter 1: What secret announcement is made at the beginning of the episode?
This is an announcement. A secret announcement just for you, you bloody lucky listener. You've been selected out of the thousands of listeners to have this fed personally to you. They're all hearing it, Jack.
They're all hearing it.
I'm so excited. Tell them, Alfie. Tell them. Tell them about an announcement. Yeah, tell them the announcement. The big announcement that we're doing that we said we were going to do today.
You have not filled me in on this whatsoever. You always do this. You always start recording and then you don't tell me what's... Remember we said we're doing a live show?
Just one live show this year? Yeah. Tell them about it.
It's in July. Yeah. Come on. Why are you not excited? I don't know what it's called. I don't know what it is.
We are doing one live show no more. We're not going on tour. We're doing Crossed Wires Festival in Sheffield.
It's in Sheffield? It's in London. It's in fucking Sheffield. Are you even free on the day? When is it? July the 3rd. 7pm. I imagine so.
Ah!
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Chapter 2: What live show details are shared?
Greg James put this on. This is his idea, born with all of his mates. They've come together and they've made a podcast festival across the city that weekend. There are a lot of decent podcasts playing. The Screen Rock Boys are going to be there. Greg James is going to be doing stuff. We're going to be there. Happy Hour's going to be there. That's me. That's Stevie. That's Robbie.
And it's you as well.
I'll be there, yeah.
Definitely. July the 3rd. July the 3rd. 7pm, yeah. I'll make sure. I'll move some things around. It should already be free. Tell them where they can get the tickets, Alfie. online The internet.
CrossedWires.live, maybe? Say that. CrossedWires.live, maybe?
Or Ticketmaster as well.
Or Ticketmaster as well.
Go and get tickets.
Wherever you get your tickets.
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Chapter 3: What are the hosts' thoughts on the upcoming show?
Becky. Four. John Beer. Five. Fiona. Okay, six. Matt Richardson. Ten. Do you want me to do all of them? You told me to give you a number. Matt Richardson. Ten was Andy Goldstein. Okay. But seven was Danny Aarons. Eight, Max Fosh. Nine, Example. So you're not quite in the top ten. I'm not top ten. Wait, wait, wait. Eleven, Dara Ennis. Twelve, Tom Grennan. Thirteen, Joe Marla.
14, Angry Ginge, 15, Greg James. I've got a list. Oh my God, you're in the piece. I thought you were riffing him in your head. I've got a list.
Oh my God, I'm actually bottom.
There's no one below me. 16, Dan Tiernan, 17, Isaac HP, 18, Deborah Meaden, 19, Byron, our football manager, 20, Dick from Dick and Don. Deborah Meaden's ahead of me. You've met her once. And Dick's ahead of Dom. 20, Dick from Dick and Dom. 21, Dom from Dick and Dom. 22, Darren Stanton. 23, Zach Wilson in brackets, fruit guy. Yeah, it was a good episode. 24, 2D Rhino. Fuck off. Fuck off.
Is he ahead of me? This is just a list of the people he text yesterday when he couldn't get anyone on. Right. So we're getting there. 25, I'm Alex. 26. Fair enough. 26, Jamie Hull. No. And then, wait, wait, wait. 27, Russell Cain. 28, Jack Smith. You are taking the fucking piss.
That's fucking, I can't believe that. There's a few I'll give you. Like who?
I'll give you, I'll give you two. Well, okay, in that case, where would you put yourself on that list?
Yeah, go on. Yeah, you move yourself to where you want. Where are you most offended to be?
Robbie Fair, whatever. Alfie. Becky. John Beer. He was a lot better than me on the Christmas one. I only said four words, didn't I, the year before? You were good when you guested with Danny Aaron, though. Danny, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I'm about right. I'm about right. Probably slightly above I'm Alex. Off the allegations, just below. Yeah, yeah.
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Chapter 4: What unique questions are posed during the stoner thoughts segment?
2024, fucking hell. Yeah.
It was a good laugh. Yeah. Well, to be fair, a lot of the people on... We had a good time. A lot of people on that list haven't been on twice, let alone you're on for your third.
No, I'm only joking. You've done us a solid today. You've done us a solid. Yeah. Because we got no mates, have we, Stevie? Robbie let us down the cunt. No, actually, what we're trying to do, and I'm sure this will be divisive, but this is just how I am in life right now. We are trying to widen our net of happy hour hosts. So it will still always be the foreskin.
Not always, but the foreskins are the foreskins. We're doing a live show this year. We're very much still going to be doing these all the time. But because of schedules and conflicts and stuff, we like to have a pool of good mates that can come on and do a job for us.
So we appreciate you coming on to do a job. You're handy because we couldn't get Robbie or Alfie.
Yeah.
We need to record still.
yeah yeah do you like a pod you like doing no i like a pod i do like a pod i think it's fun i know you two fellas you know we went to wank together so there's always that in there yeah we always have that i like that you still smiled that is funny no one will ever take it away from us maybe maybe this is like if this was our trilogy yeah what would we call it jack stevie and jack
The last tug. The last tug. Like the last dance. The last tug. Yeah, the last tug. But that implies he's not coming back. No, he might be back. I don't know, mate. Robbie's very busy. Yeah. Very busy. Very busy.
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Chapter 5: What are the implications of eating placenta?
Don't say, like, serves 12. Do you know what I mean? One placenta, is that one dish? Is that a million? Can a million people suckle on that?
Well, it's not a million, is it?
Chapter 6: How big is the average human placenta?
Look how big the body is. Well, it's not a million, but it could be a grand, a thousand. How big is it, Steve? I don't know. Should I find the average measurement of a placenta?
If you have triplets, will it be a bigger placenta?
You'd hope so, wouldn't you?
You'd like to think.
Yeah, three times. What's the point? We've only got a third of a placenta each here, Mum.
How big is the average human placenta? I'll go... Give me the answer, Google. Yeah. At full term, it weighs just over one pound. Five to six hundred grams. Five to six hundred grams. Approximately nine inches in diameter and one inch thick at its centre, thinning out at the edges. So, how big? Nine inches. Yeah. You think that's nine inches? Fucking hope so, seriously.
It would be the other way around, Jack.
Oh, it's just a gag, mate.
Yeah, but it would have made more sense if you said that, and then... Nine inches. Yeah. One inch thick. There we go. One inch thick. Oh, nine by one. Yeah, and it thins out at the edges.
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Chapter 7: What are the worst life stats to learn about friends?
Nine by one. Like a UFO.
Right. What colour is it? It'd be like red and purple, wouldn't it? Blue, maybe? Maybe a shade of blue? God, this is horrible.
Why are we... Shall I just find a picture? Yeah, let's have a look. This'll be easy. Not great for a pod. Not nice. There is shades of... Oh, that's a loading bar. What is that? This looks all right.
Give me that for looking. Look at that. It's just... Oh, shit. Yeah, it's just a lot of blood as well. By the way, that looks like a rotisserie chicken. But the blood would... Up close, looks like a... Placenta. Spleen. Yeah. With a sausage coming out the top.
Yeah. No, I would try it, but I think you fry it.
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Chapter 8: Why do kids get bullied for being different?
You don't just eat it raw.
No, no, no. Yeah, you'd probably put it in a toast the other day.
But yeah, Rob, we've spoken about it before because Robbie's... Placenta and beans. Robbie's tried it. I don't think I'd ever try it. I just don't care enough.
What about if Ariane really wanted you to? Why would she? Why would you eat my placenta? This is hypothetical. We're not eating human eggs either. It's all of game.
Mate, I couldn't eat the shrimp in Latvia. Oh, shit, you couldn't. That's what I'm saying. I didn't like venison that much. I don't want to try crocodile or kangaroo or anything.
It's a waste if you don't try it, though. Would you have a pop? I'd have a little nibble on it. Would you? Yeah, as long as it's cooked and seasoned, we'd put some pork seasoning. White pork. Just looks like it'd be porky. Okay. Do you think that looks more porky than white meat? This is gross.
Yeah, it looked pork. I think it's white meat. Do they say humans taste a bit like pig?
A bit like chicken, I think. Chicken. No, it is pig. It is pig. We are pork. We are pork, aren't we? Humans pork. Are we? I think we are. I don't know what we are. I'd say we're more like pork. If you tattoo a pig... They do always use... They do, yeah. Apparently that's most like
Yeah. And Mythbusters always used pigs as their example on like acid. There you go. So there you go.
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