8: UNMASKING AT HOME: 10 Signs You’re Still Performing for the People You Love
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What is the main topic discussed in this episode?
Mamma, papa. Können wir kurz reden? Ich hab das noch niemandem gesagt, aber... Ich glaub, ich stehe auf. Bundeswehr. Jetzt ist das raus. Die neue Staffel Generation Wehrdienst. Ab sofort auf YouTube und joinen. Päivää! Hyvää päivää! Saanko kysyä. Ainesta kysyä saa. Hyvää! Minkä seuraavista saa kotiovelle nyt jopa tunnissa, virpojat, putkim vai ruokaostokset. Ainakin ruokaostoket. Kyllä, ruokaostoket.
Tiätät tietää.
Tiedetään.
Ruokaostokset kotiovelle nyt jopa tunnissa. S-kaupat helpottimme ruokakaupassa käyntiä. Tilaa sovelluksella tai osoitessa s-skaupat.fi.
So you've heard of masking, but are you still masking at home? We're going to talk about 10 ways that you might still be performing for your partner. If you're autistic, that might look like faking facial expressions. And if you're ADHD, it might look like saying I'll do it later when you know it's really hard to get started.
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Okay. Masking at home. So everybody will probably understand what masking is, but they will very much probably be thinking that it's sort of in public, at work, at school.
For anyone that doesn't know, it's hiding or minimising your neurodivergent traits because you've been socialized that way, out of shame, basically pretending to be somebody else. And it can be useful out in the real world, but where you absolutely do not want to mask is at home with your family, with your trusted people. But of course, we've got so used to doing it that so many of us still do, don't we?
Definitely. Like I we've got ten things to go through. I reckon a few of them we still do now and most of them we definitely did at the start of our relationship. Like all of 'em.
Absolutely. So we're just gonna kinda talk about the ways in which we both have instill mask at home. And it would be amazing for you to think about How are you masking in your like safest space and ways that you could start to break down Some of those barriers. So do you want to start us off, babes?
What is masking and why does it matter at home?
Yeah, let's do it. Number one. Saying I'm fine instead of saying what's wrong. Oh Lord. Now I've given this some thought because that's obviously quite a natural human response being like, I'm fine. But I think it's for me specifically, I like I'll say I'm fine when I haven't got the words yet. to sort of know what's wrong. Like I know that there's something wrong. It's easier to just say I'm fine because if you ask me loads of questions about it, I'm not gonna know any answers. So I think now I'm like No, I'm not, but I just need to I don't really know what's going on. I just need to be need some time.
Thank you You still do this? Sometimes?
Mm-hmm.
And I've noticed I've Actually I have to try hard to change my interpretation. Because you'll say I'm fine when you're quite clearly not fine and historically and and sometimes now, depending on what mood I'm in, that can feel like I'm being Lied to or or not shared with. Because I can see really clearly when you're not fine. So a recent example wasn't at home. But when we were on holiday, it was the last day of the holiday. And you woke up and I just knew something was wrong. And Lily, your youngest, knew something was wrong and came and asked me, Is Daddy okay? So so the people that love you can see something's not right. Yeah. And then I was like, Bubby, are you okay? I I'm fine. Out of interest, why were you not aware something was wrong?
Did you need the processing time?
I can't even remember now.
It was the planning of the day of the leaving and the
travel
and it was overwhelming you a bit, but maybe you didn't know.
Yeah.
So I think sometimes with autism you're not aware of how you're actually feeling.
Yeah, I think I was in a different world. Which was The travel to the ferry port, like all the pack in, all the organization, where things might be in the house, like what's the checkout procedure? 'Cause I hadn't heard from there. So look, I wasn't in the real world. I was in that world, and that's obviously what you picked up on.
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Chapters
5 chapters
1
What is the main topic discussed in this episode?
0:00–2:30
2
What is masking and why does it matter at home?
2:30–8:14
3
Why do many people say “I’m fine” instead of sharing their true feelings?
8:14–18:43
4
How does the “I’ll do it later” habit hide ADHD struggles?
18:43–24:46
5
What is the “customer service act” and how does it affect autistic communication?
24:46–30:54
Speakers
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4: SURVIVING PERIMENOPAUSE: what happens when your ADHD brain can't keep up (With Dr Jolene Brighten)
2: THE MEMORY EPISODE: The ADHD, Autism & AuDHD Guide to Memory