Let's Be Honest with Kristin Cavallari
10 Things To Do Before, During, and After Divorce
10 Mar 2026
Transcript generated automatically by AI and may contain errors.
Chapter 1: What is the main topic discussed in this episode?
The following podcast is a Dear Media production. This is Let's Be Honest with Kristen Cavallari, a podcast all about getting real and open on everything from sex, relationships, reality TV, wellness, family, and so much more. And just a fair warning, there will probably be some oversharing. Hi guys. If you're watching, maybe you can see my shirt says your worst nightmare.
You hate to see me come in after today's episode. No, I'm kidding. Today is going to be hopefully a really informative, good episode. If you happen to be going through a divorce or you've been thinking about getting a divorce and you know, you've made the decision to I think this episode is more geared towards the people who have made up their mind about getting a divorce.
This is not for someone who is still deciding. I mean, well, it could obviously it could be. And hopefully you do find this episode helpful if even if you haven't decided. But this is really for the people who have decided, OK, I am getting a divorce. Now what? And hopefully I'm catching you before you even tell your soon-to-be ex-husband or wife that you want a divorce.
Hopefully I'm getting you right as you've made the decision. And now you're trying to figure out the next steps. How this came to be was one of my girlfriends has another friend who is going through a divorce. And she was asking me questions, logistical questions, you know, like about lawyers and just... things of that nature. And she said, you should do a podcast about divorce.
And I was like, you know what? It's actually a really good idea because it is one of the scariest things you can go through. And depending on your situation, it can really bring out the worst in people. And it's incredibly unfortunate, but it's just the harsh reality. You will see the absolute worst worse. You will see a side of your soon to be ex spouse that you didn't even think was possible.
Hopefully not.
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Chapter 2: What should you do before telling your spouse you want a divorce?
You know, obviously every situation is different, but there are those situations where it can get pretty brutal and it can be really time consuming and it can take a long time. My divorce took two and a half years to finalize and that was an extremely stressful time in my life.
And I think the unknown is really scary and the power plays with attorneys and it's all just, it can be so shady and it can be just so stressful. So This is going to be the 10 things that I would tell my best friend to do before, during, and after divorce. And these are in order. And they are just things that I don't know, maybe I wish someone would have told me
You know, it's like I've always sort of been the first one out of my friend group to do anything. So I was the first one to have babies that was isolating in a lot of ways because I didn't have anyone else that I could talk to or lean on. I was the first one to get a divorce, you know, and so I didn't have anyone in my life who had been through a divorce other than my own mom.
But I mean, of course, this was you know, so many years ago, like 30 years ago and times have changed and her situation was very different than my situation. And so it's hard. It's just really hard and it heightens everyone's emotions. And the craziest thing about a divorce to me is when you break up with someone, you break up. And depending on if you
you know, block them on social media or you were like really promise yourself you won't look at their page, whatever. You do not have to ever see this person ever again. You can make it so that you don't have to hear about this person, see this person, know anything about that person. You break up, you cut ties. That's it.
But with a divorce, especially if you have kids, you don't get to do that. You don't get to just never hear or speak to this person ever again. And the hardest part is that even if you're the one who breaks up with someone or you're It's still really emotional. And there's a period where it still takes for you to grieve that relationship and heal and move on from it.
That doesn't happen overnight. Even if you don't love that person anymore, there's a time period of just adjusting to life and getting used to life without that person now in your day-to-day world. And so... That's why I always think right after a breakup, going no contact, really having nothing to do with this person is the best move. And that's not possible in a divorce.
And that's why it's so hard. It's just so hard. Okay. So before you get a divorce, before you say to your spouse, Hey, I'm not in love with you anymore. I want a divorce. Here's the two things you're going to do. The first one is you should consult an attorney before telling him anything. Knowledge reduces fear.
And so I think already having a conversation with an attorney about expectations, what it's going to look like, it empowers you because now you have some sort of an idea going into this about what it's going to look like, what it's going to entail, how long it's potentially going to take. I mean, I remember my divorce attorney right away told me she saw my divorce taking at least 18 months.
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Chapter 3: How can consulting an attorney help during a divorce?
And Anytime I see those divorces, I'm like, God, you guys are so lucky. But it obviously depends on, you know, assets and what's on your balance sheet and everything. But if there's businesses involved, you know, that's where it gets really complicated. And so I think just arming yourself with knowledge is really important. And I don't know... what the laws are in every state.
Of course, I only really know Tennessee, but in Tennessee, when you contact a lawyer, you consult with an attorney, then your ex can't go for that same attorney. So let's say you have a meeting with an attorney. She's the best attorney in your city. but you don't end up using her, but because you already consulted with her, your ex can't use her.
Look that up state to state, because again, I'm only sure that that's a law in Tennessee. And I'm not telling you to be shady. I'm just telling you if there's four incredible attorneys okay? They might be worth contacting and having meetings with all four. I'm just saying. Knowledge is power. Blocking someone here or there is not the worst thing for you, okay? I'm for the girls.
This is for the ladies. I'm trying to help out the ladies. And I know that you could sit here and be like, there's no way that Robert would ever, you know, just try to get the best attorney to screw me over. You know, he loves me.
Chapter 4: What information should you gather before starting the divorce process?
Listen, I get it. And I really hope that that's the case. However, like I said, until you're in the middle of a divorce, you have no idea what this man is capable of and who he's going to become through the process. And so it is my job right now to just inform you of this knowledge and try to empower you as much as possible. And I'm just saying. Okay.
The other thing you want to do before is you want to gather all of the information that you need. And speaking, it's kind of, they kind of go hand in hand, you know, talking to an attorney, she's going to tell you, you know, she's probably going to ask you, he or she will ask you, you know, what kind of assets you have. And if you don't know, well, that's a problem.
You need to know everything that you guys have together, your finances, your assets. You need to know about debts. You need to have a really good understanding of your financial situation and what you guys own together and what's going to be on the table during this divorce. You also want to make copies of documents that you might need.
So again, this time period before you go and tell him, meaning your husband, that you want a divorce, we're just gathering information. We just want to know as much as possible so that we And so that nothing surprises us, right? Or we're left in the dark and we want to gather as much info as possible. Okay. So that's what you're going to do before you have the conversation of, I want a divorce.
Now, during the process, once you have that conversation, you should change all of your passwords, your passwords to everything. And again, you may say, that Robert is not the type of guy to log into your Instagram or... your email. But guess what? When people are hurt, they do things that they wouldn't normally do. And again, I just think it's better to be safe than sorry.
And so yes, you actually should change all of your passwords. You need to be changing your Venmo password, your Apple ID. You need to turn off your location. Even if you guys are on really good terms, getting a divorce. And again, people's emotions being heightened and people having a broken heart makes them do things they wouldn't normally do.
And as soon as you guys are not living together, he's going to get curious about what you're doing. That's a natural thing for people to do. And so he's going to want to know if you're dating, if you're talking to anybody. And the way he's going to try to find out is by logging into your social media. Venmo is, I think Venmo is so crazy how you can see everyone's transactions.
I don't know why anyone would have that turned on. You guys, to me, it's so crazy. I have all of mine private. Why would you want everyone seeing that you owe Becky, your best friend, money for lunch? Like, that's a tracker in itself. So I would just, I would try to keep everything really as private as possible.
And another really important thing is, and this one is especially with kids, but I think any situation, you don't want to burn the house down on your way out. Meaning, What you say and do in this crucial time is going to live forever. So if you say mean things to your husband, he's going to remember that in the divorce proceedings.
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Chapter 5: How do you navigate emotional challenges during a divorce?
Kids remember this stuff. And so you just want to make sure that you are protecting your long-term peace and not your short term ego. It's very easy to let our ego lead the way during a divorce.
And again, when, you know, feelings are hurt, you're extra emotional, you know, this is a weird territory that you're in now, you know, everyone's trying to navigate it and figure out this new landscape that we're living in now. Ego is going to really try to be at the forefront. And you're going to want to be right. You're going to want to prove a point.
It's really important that you let that stuff go because I can tell you when it's all said and done, none of that matters. None of that heat of the moment stuff matters. What does matter is I'm really thinking about kids because I'm someone who I think If it was just me and, like, an ex, right? And I don't know. I feel like I've grown a lot in the last few years. I probably wouldn't do this.
But, like, I could see where maybe I'd be a little bit nastier if... I mean, that's not my goal. That's not what I'm trying to say. I hope I'm never nasty. But, like... when I was younger anyways, I could be kind of mean sometimes when I didn't know how to just ask for what I wanted. And if I wasn't getting somewhere with a man, I could then get mean.
I didn't know how to be vulnerable, so I would get mean instead. And I think when you have kids... It's just so important to act from your highest self and to do what is the best for the kids. Once you become a mom, I don't care what anyone's situation is, you have to do what's best for the kids.
more times than not, we're all, we're not perfect, but during a divorce, the kids, I can promise you as someone who's been through a divorce, who has three kids who were somewhat old enough to kind of remember things and understand they remember, they remember the big things. Okay, guys, it's that time. Let's take a second. I want to talk to you about Upward, the dating app.
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Chapter 6: What steps should you take during the divorce process?
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Chapter 7: How can you maintain a positive environment for your kids during a divorce?
And really the goal is to protect your kids from adult conversations. Your kids don't need to know details. They don't need to know everything. The most important thing for the kids is they need reassurance that A, it's not their fault. B, mommy and daddy love you both very much. That will never change. And that everything, you guys are safe. Everyone is going to be okay.
You know, this is just our new normal, but nothing changes how much we love you. That's what kids need. They don't need to know that Robert called you a slut or that Robert is already dating Kim down the street or you know what I'm saying? Like let kids be kids. Save the adult stuff for the adults. And listen, sometimes the other person may say things to the kids.
And I think in those situations, I think, I think it's okay to defend yourself without trashing the other parent. I never think you should start it, but I think if they're starting it, I do think you should defend yourself. That's from my own personal experience with my parents and my divorce and
I don't think someone gets to just trash your name to your own kids without you being able to defend yourself. And I think there can be broader conversations of, you know, things like, you know, the people who feel the need to trash someone constantly is because they're threatened for whatever reason, or, you know, they're projecting, you know, whatever you're
your specific situation is, but I think it can be, you can defend yourself. Well, that's not true. You know, that, that didn't happen. And you know, the people who feel the need to trash other people, it's usually from an insecurity or something's going on with them. It's typically about them and not the other person, you know, it could be more like that. Okay.
So listen, and again, every situation is different. And I really hope that most people have a really amicable, easy split. But for the people who don't, I would recommend documenting everything. And this is if you're dealing with someone where there's drugs and alcohol, where there's narcissistic behavior, where there is negligence, where there like something's going on. Okay.
That makes you feel like you need to document. If everything is copacetic, things are fine. You probably don't need to document, but if there's any sort of foul play going on, I would recommend you document everything. And that means screenshotting text messages,
putting them in a file in your phone, sort of like a favorites file, but you can create different albums, create an album so that it's easy access then when you need to reference it during your divorce. If that means you have to get a voice recorder and you have to record, again, look up the laws state by state because I know in Tennessee, you can record someone without their knowledge.
California, you cannot. So you're going to have to look up all the laws around this stuff. But if it's bad enough and you unfortunately have to record your kids sometimes telling you things, sometimes you have to do this because the law is funny, right? Like even if there is some crazy behavior happening and you have proof that
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Chapter 8: What are the best practices for handling post-divorce relationships?
if your kids call you crying and they're scared and they're upset and you go and pick them up, you're the one who can get in trouble for that. And again, maybe it's different state to state. I don't know. But my point is, It's just smart from the jump to document because the more evidence you have, the stronger your case, the easier it's going to be for you to get your kids.
If that's the goal, right? If there's a problem going on and the goal is to get your kids, then I would just document everything. If they're being nasty to you, unfortunately, it just kind of is what it is. And... you know, like ring cameras can be beneficial sometimes. I know you can use those, but like all of that stuff, if it's like one thing, sometimes it's little, right?
But then there's like a couple of big things. Like I can tell you though, when you're in the middle of a divorce or by the way, this could also just be a custody thing. Maybe your divorce is final and now you're reopening up your custody case, but it all adds up, right? If you think something is maybe kind of minor, but then a couple of big things happen.
And then there's a couple more minor things. They all build a case. You're building a case. And so I just think the more, more evidence you have, the better. I also think it's really important to give your ex as little information as possible and your kids too, unfortunately, because, and I'm thinking about a specific type of man, obviously, right?
You know, I hope you guys are kind of picking up on that. They will try to get information out of your kids as well. And so that's why instead of, you know, putting your kids in the middle of it, the kids don't need to know a whole lot. They don't really need to know what's going on with you. The weekend that you don't have your kids, you know, they don't need to know who you're talking to.
They don't need to know anything. the trip you guys are going on in six months. You know what I'm saying? Like, I think during this period, while the divorce is still open, right? You're still actively in the process of getting a divorce. I just think.
as little information as possible that your ex has over you because they're going to want to know when you start dating, you know, he's going to want to know your whereabouts. And even if you guys are on good terms and you give him a little more information than maybe, you know, you have in the past or you should, but things are really good right now with you guys. He can use that.
He can use that. I don't know. I just think, again, better to be safe than sorry. And it's not about you being a bitch. It's not about you. You know, you can still be a nice, decent human being and interact. And how are you? What's going on? You know, but just being vague, vague, no details. You know, I just think the less the better.
Okay, I think it's really important during a divorce to have some sort of an outlet. And that's going to be different for everybody. But whether that's journaling, whether that's traditional therapy, hypnotherapy, or... You know, I also think it's really important to have a couple friends who you can talk to everything about. And I don't think it should be a lot.
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