Ask Me About My Dead Son
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What is the main topic discussed in this episode?
It's your day to play. It's your morning to make the most of.
It's your way to love.
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It's your answer to what should I watch? It's your money to save. It's your song to analyze line by line. It's your 10 ways to find a little calm. It's your world to understand.
The New York Times. Find out more at nytimes.com slash your world. From the New York Times, I'm Anna Martin.
This is Modern Love. Okay, when someone you know loses a loved one, you do all the things you're supposed to do. You buy a card that says, sorry for your loss. You send flowers. You make them a lasagna, if you're good at making lasagna. And you go back to living your life. It's really hard to know what to say next. But my guest today, Susie Shaw, says, ask me a question. Ask me about my dead son. Ask me his favorite color, his favorite food. What his laugh sounded like. Susie's son was nine years old when he died, but she wants people to know what he was like when he was alive. So the card is nice, the lasagna is great, but in our conversation, I feel like Susie gave me a roadmap for how to talk to someone who's going through unimaginable grief.
She let me ask all the questions that normally might feel scary or invasive or uncomfortable, and she didn't hold back in her answers. She kept assuring me that just being curious, asking those questions, being open to listening, it's the best place to start. Susie Shaw, welcome to Modern Love. Thank you so much. I am so grateful to be here. Susie, I... I'm going to be totally honest. I'm looking forward to this conversation. And I'm also quite nervous because we're going to talk about this thing that I feel like I'm not actually very equipped to talk about, that I don't almost have the language for. We're going to talk about the death of your son, William. We talk about loss a lot on this show, but the loss of a kid feels to me in a different category completely.
I want to start with, like, how do people react when you tell them about William's death?
Usually not well, to be honest. And so for you to even admit that it's hard to talk about is huge. You know, I mean, that's a perfect thing to say. Like, oh my gosh, that's so overwhelming. But I want to hear about it anyways. But when I do tell a new person about William... Usually I end up having to console them. Usually I have to say something like, well, you know, I still have other living kids or, you know, we found joy in our life, you know, to sort of throw them the bone of like, we're doing okay, don't worry. You're helping them out. I'm helping them out, which is hard because I'm the one whose child died, and it's really hard for me to live with that. You just have to hear about it, right? And you get to go home to—
you know, whomever is at your house who's still alive, whether it's kids or partner. So yeah, it's hard to tell people. You can see it. They brace the table or they brace the bar and they say, oh my God, like that is just... Like a physical change. Yes, 100%. What else? What else do you notice? A slight recoiling, you know, like they definitely like are taking that in. I think they're immediately... Thinking about their own children as well. If I had to, you know, predict what they might be thinking about. And they also, I think they're struggling for what to say. Of course. 100%. Like, oh my God, what do I possibly say to this woman? And I will say that there is one best answer. And that answer is, tell me about him.
Hmm.
Tell me, what was his name? What was his favorite color? What did he like to do? Because as a bereaved parent, I want to talk about my child, my dead child, just as much as my living children. And I don't get to talk about William as much because he's not around to do things and be places and have experiences. So I only get to talk about him when people sort of ask about him more.
Well, I want to know about William.
Awesome. Thank you. Tell me about William. William was the love of our family, the heart of our family. When we had William, we also had our son, Kai.
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Chapters
4 chapters
1
What is the main topic discussed in this episode?
0:00–17:07
2
How did Susie first describe William and his personality?
17:07–27:27
3
What happened the day William disappeared on the mountain?
27:27–44:25
4
How did Susie and her family cope in the immediate aftermath of William’s death?
44:25–53:48