Is Polyamory Right for You?
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From the New York Times, I'm Anna Martin.
This is Modern Love. And today on the show, I'm talking to Dr. Eli Sheff. Dr. Eli is an expert in polyamory. For most of her career, she's been studying the ins and outs of what it means to be in poly relationships. And for the past 30 years, she's been studying the lives of kids who grew up in poly families. Okay, so as a single woman in her early 30s living in Brooklyn, I hear the word poly a lot. It feels like everyone wants to be poly or went on a few dates with someone who's poly or had a poly phase in college. It feels like we're at peak poly saturation. But Dr. Eli first heard about polyamory in the early 90s when barely anyone even used that word. And once she learned a little bit about it, she had to understand it.
Not just as a researcher, Dr. Eli had to decide whether polyamory was right for her. In our conversation, Dr. Eli tells me what she's learned from talking to the kids who grew up with polyamorous parents. Kids who are now old enough to make their own relationship choices. Plus, she has advice for people trying to figure out if poly is right for them.
Dr. Eli Sheff, welcome to Modern Love. Thanks so much for having me.
I'm thrilled to be here.
We're thrilled to have you. How did polyamory first come on your radar?
I was 22. And I was in college dating this woman that I was super crushed out on. And she was not that interested in me. So I was kind of heartbroken and thought, all right, I'm going to just dabble in relationships with men for a little while because it's just so much easier to find a man to date. Like they'll come on to me, whereas if I'm going to find a woman, I've got to be the one like doing all the work. You're like, I'll give men a try. They're easier, yeah. Exactly. And kind of disposable, you know. I was like, I'm going to just dabble with these dudes until I get back to real relationships with women. And so I meet this guy, and I'm thinking, of course, he's disposable. So when he tells me on our first date that he never wants to be monogamous and he never wants to get married, I'm like, whatever, freak.
You know, like, I don't...
You're like, so I'm in love with this woman?
Yes. And you were going to be going away in five minutes. You're a distraction. So you and your weird whatever. I don't care about that.
And wait, can I ask, like, did he use the word monogamous, if you can remember, in that conversation?
He did. He was very clear. And you knew what that was. Okay.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah. But we didn't, I had never heard the word polyamory. He hadn't. He was just like, I don't want monogamy. I don't want one partner and just one partner. Right. I want multiple partners. And I was like, I mean, I had kind of a negative reaction to it from the get-go. Like, okay, that's weird. That doesn't sound good to me. That sounds like a lot of work.
Yeah, I was going to say, and why did it seem your gut reaction, you know, again, this is many years ago, but what was underneath that feeling?
At first it was just rejection of that does not sound like fun to me. That sounds like a hot mess and that is not appealing.
Lots of logistics.
Yes. And then as we got to know each other and I fell in love with him, which totally shocked me. Uh-huh. I think many other kind of monogamously oriented people, I was like, well, wait a minute. Does this mean I'm too fat? I'm bad in bed. I'm boring. What is the lack in me that you need other partners? And he kept saying, no, no, no, it's not about you. It has nothing to do with you. No matter who he was with, he would need to be with multiple partners.
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