Limerence Explained: Why Do We Get Addicted To People? - Crappy Childhood Fairy - #935
episodePreviously titled “#935 - Crappy Childhood Fairy - Limerence Explained: Why Do We Get Addicted To People?” — renamed by the publisher on Aug 2, 2026
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What is limerence and how is it defined?
Limerence. I didn't even know that it was a word that existed until recently. And after doing a little bit of research, it seems to be maybe one of the hottest topics on the internet, especially something that doesn't even exist in the DSM yet. What is it? Can you give an introduction to those people like me who have no idea that this is even a word?
Limerence is this handy word for this thing that most people have experienced a little bit of, and some people, unfortunately, have completely lost their happiness over. And the phrase, the word limerence was coined in the 70s. There was a psychologist named Dorothy Tenov, and she was sort of referring to that Twitter-pated falling-in-love feeling. But... It's evolved to mean something much more than that. It's that feeling, but then all of a sudden it sort of goes into hyperdrive and becomes this addiction level obsession with another person who you can't be with generally, either because they're not into you, they're not available, or they don't even exist. Like there are people who feel limerent about fictional characters.
Right. Okay. So the rabbit hole goes quite deep. You mentioned there that everybody has it in small doses. Does everyone who falls for someone go through limerence?
Well, technically speaking, yes. But then it sort of morphs into, especially if that person is in your life and maybe reciprocates your feelings, it'll turn into a more ordinary kind of love where, you know, because of the toothpaste cap and the toilet seat and just regular stuff of life, the magic spell starts to dissipate and real love can start to form. So technically you can call that early love limerence. But these days I think we're talking about it as something else and is very, very common as a trauma symptom.
How is limerence different to an infatuation or a crush?
think infatuation is the right word it's just that infatuation ends before it turns sick and so you know limerence when it just gallops forward it's really like up on a level of heroin addiction i would say i've known heroin addicts i've known limerence i've experienced limerence and i've had people limerent on me and it's like that people don't get over it unless they like really go take take strong steps to get over it limerence doesn't go away infatuation does
Right. Okay. How is limerence different from unrequited love or codependency?
Well, unrequited love is kind of a condition of limerence. And it's like this addiction to hope. Hope has a lot of chemicals in it. I've heard some researchers say there may be a genetic predisposition to it. It's... It's something that springs up. Well, I want to tell you about the relationship to neglect in childhood. I'm in this unique position.
How does limerence differ from infatuation, unrequited love, and codependency?
I'm not a therapist, but I'm a YouTuber who gets hundreds and hundreds of letters every week from people. And there's a letter that I kept getting over and over again about the same phenomenon where somebody said, I grew up in a house with an alcoholic parent. And now I'm in love with this guy and I can't really tell him. I know he wouldn't be into me in any way. He's married and I can't stop thinking about him. And now my whole life is falling apart and I, I should leave my job, but I can't. And so somebody is really just like going down and, When you're in love with somebody who's good for you, you'll see signs that your life is kind of coming up. That's a sign. I heard on one of your recent interviews that you're in a relationship, and when you feel good and happy and you notice, you know what, I'm getting better as a person, that's love. That's a good partnership. When you're starting to check out
When you're starting to go down, I've sort of defined this whole, this downward ladder of stuff that happens to you when it's taking over your brain and your life. You start avoiding people. You're not emotionally available. You can't love. So it's really a different thing. And it feels like it's about the other person, but it's clearly not.
Right. What do you mean when you say it's not about the other person?
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Chapters
8 chapters
1
What is limerence and how is it defined?
0:00–2:56
2
How does limerence differ from infatuation, unrequited love, and codependency?
2:56–11:07
3
What are the emotional experiences of someone going through limerence?
11:07–21:43
4
What causes limerence and how is childhood trauma related?
21:43
5
How does limerence affect relationships and attachment styles?
8:33–19:43
6
What is a limerent object and how does imagination play a role?
19:43–32:30
7
Who is most likely to experience limerence and what does the typical profile look like?
32:30–38:35
8
Can great sex trigger limerence and how should one approach dating to avoid it?
38:35–1:25:49
Speakers
2 identifiedMore from Modern Wisdom
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