Monday Morning Podcast
Garage Doors, Rulers, The Future | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 1-22-26
23 Jan 2026
Chapter 1: What does Bill think about the current state of the world?
Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday morning podcast, and I'm just checking in on you. Ooh, what's going on? How's your week going? How you doing? Are you starting fights with everybody in the fucking world like this country seems to be doing? Why are we doing this? I don't watch the news anymore. That's all I'm hearing.
All of Europe wants to fight us now. Is that true? We're trying to take Greenland? For what? For what? What, does he want to put a golf course up there? You want to go get the oil? Is Greenland a threat to us? What are they doing now? It's unreal. It's unreal.
I can't tell you this, having traveled the world, one of the moves that a leader likes to do when they don't know what they're doing is just constantly be starting fires. That way all the people are just watching the fire trucks go down the street and they're looking at the fire and they never look at him. That's what's going on. That's what I think is going on.
Or it's a narcissist dealing with, you know, they're at the end of the road. And the one thing a narcissist can't deal with is their own mortality.
um which has got to be infuriating for them so it's just like well you know if i'm gonna pass on you know i'm fucking taking everybody with me these people are gonna remember me it's unreal it's really ironic that all of the people that are really you know that started this whole fucking alligator alcatraz thing it's literally the people that should be in it
You know, the people that want to take Greenland, the people that are behind all of these false flag things, they're the ones that should be in it. That's not, you know, I don't know. But that's not how it works. It's just they wearing the right color tie, then I fucking buy into what you're saying. As long as the tie is the color of my team. Insane. Insane. We have literally not had somebody...
That had the ability to give a speech as our leader in a way that wasn't embarrassing since fucking... It's almost been 10 years. It's almost been 10 years. I don't understand it. I think the new... The new, like, qualification to be president, Democrat or Republican, is you in no way, shape, or form can have all your faculties. Anyway, we got to get somebody young, Republican or Democrat.
We got to get somebody young in the White House, somebody that's actually going to have to deal with the ramifications of their decisions. That would be nice, but, like, that's still... I mean, the reality is... the corruption is just the robber baron shit that is going on right now.
And they got everybody looking at illegal immigrants while these assholes are just firing everybody and then taking the fired people's salary as their bonus at the end of the year. And giant conglomerates are buying up other giant conglomerates and somehow they're not considered a monopoly. It's just, it's, it's really, it's, you know, it's a, it's a fascinating thing.
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Chapter 2: Why is Bill frustrated with his garage door?
Yeah, it does. It does, which is why I want to introduce you guys to motorcycle racing. MotoGP starts up in February, right when the football stops. There's one race a week, not even every week. There are only 20-something laps.
If you want to watch people riding motorcycles at over 200 miles an hour passing each other before they slam on the brakes and try to go over and under each other in the fucking turns, that is the sports for you. You'll be surprised how quickly you get into it. I mean, personally, that's what I'm getting ready for. I'd like to go to a race this year somewhere. I don't know.
I'm setting up this tour this year to have a good time. I don't know if I'm still allowed to go to Europe after this guy who's never had a fight in his life is trying to start a war with everybody that's fucking even looks at him. I don't know. I just, I don't pretend to understand things at that level, but I don't get how this is good for this country. And I have such an awful feeling
That this is all being done on purpose and that they are literally, you know, after going around the world and trying to destabilize as many countries as we possibly could so we could take advantage of them, I now feel like they're going to do that to this country. And that's what is happening.
Because if you look at these corporate people, after they stomp out all competition and they have a monopoly... They don't just stop and say that we won. They start eating their own. They then go internal. And they start firing everybody in their own company. More, more, more, more, more. I think we've just kind of reached the end. There's nothing left to do other than to eat your own.
Yeah, and just blaming powerless people as they do it. I don't know. I don't get it. It's fucking wild. But I'm not even watching the fucking news and just the shit people are telling me. I'm like... I don't know. This is it. This is it. This is when I go into this thing where I think, like, how is there a God that loves us, that makes the kind of people that lead nations, that do what they do?
I'm not just talking about us. I'm talking about... All around the fucking world, like these heartless, ruthless fucking lunatic people. It's really what the job attracts. I'm trying to think if there's actually a decent human being that is the leader of a country.
Yeah.
there is you you don't last long it doesn't it being a nice empathetic person running a country i just don't feel like that is a recipe that is a recipe to lose an election or get whacked or have a military coup they're just like look at him he cares about the regular joe he's a weak bastard let's fucking move on him um i was watching this nature show the other night nature
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Chapter 3: How does Bill handle anger and frustration?
They knew that none of them were going to die. And they had me on the edge of my seat, riding this out with these penguins at the bottom of the fucking world. I don't know. There's a big part of me that there's so much shit that you should never see unless you risk your life to go see it. Like, I had no problem with that guy in Antarctica seeing that shit. All right?
If you want to get on a fucking boat... I mean, you can't take a plane there, right? You got to charter a plane. There's nobody... There's nobody doing that. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Is that the place to buy land with global warming? When the other seven continents are just unlivable. I feel like the last place to go. Oh, my God.
This is like Kevin Costner reverse Waterworld rather than Waterworld. You all go down to Antarctica. Now, is there grass underneath that, or is it just a giant... It's considered a continent, so there's got to be land under there. Oh, my God. Maybe this is why I watch these shows. I got to look this shit up now. Okay. Is there land under the snow... Oh, in Antarctica.
I'm not the only one who asked. In October 2023, researchers revealed a picture of a prehistoric drainage network of rivers and valleys beneath East Antarctica, a landscape bigger than Belgium that's buried out of sight by glacial ice for tens of millions of years. OK, so that maybe that's the move. And I think one of these fucking big wig corporations will annex. Is that the word? Antarctica.
They'll divvy it up amongst themselves. And then they'll sell it to us. Different parcels. And they'll say, this is how you diversify your stock market portfolio. Is also own a little cottage down in Antarctica. The snow is melting. The grass is growing fast. These are crazy times. They'll somehow bring the Bible into it so that we won't look at ourselves and our hands in it.
And none of it, they're going to sell it to you. Do you remember when they were selling stars? You know, stars, you look up in the air. at night and you see twinkle, twinkle little star. They were actually, somebody had the balls. I shouldn't say we had the vision to be like, what if somehow, some way we pretended we had the legal naming rights to all the stars you see above.
And we actually told to the common man that if, he gave us money, we would send him a piece of paper and would name one of those stars after a loved one. Do you think there's... We know that there's sort of an infinite amount of stars.
Is there an infinite amount of stupid people that actually fucking are dumb enough to think that if they send us money and we send them a certificate of authenticity... That centuries later, when everybody's dead and gone, you see that star up there? That's Claire Johnson. She lived from 1953.
I'll give her a nice... Sorry, I didn't have it on airplane mode and somebody gave me a call there, you know. It was another one of them fucking spam a lot calls. Yeah. Claire Johnson, 1953 to 2047. You know, that's I feel like they're going to do the same thing. Like and then everybody like the boat you're supposed to get on never shows up.
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Chapter 4: What lessons does Bill share about parenting?
The same level of like separation and getting people to fight like amongst themselves. And then in the end, once the people that think they're making it have signed off on everybody else being left behind or being whacked, they then separate that group again. They just keep separating.
And then basically the only group of regular people that makes it to Antarctica are the ones who are immediately going to be enslaved by the people that helped steer us on this path towards global warming. That's how it goes down. And then they say, what we're gonna do is we're gonna stay down here on Antarctica and we're gonna, for the first time ever, we are going to live
like the Native Americans did. Remember those people that actually knew how to live, one with the environment, the ones that we killed? Yeah, we're gonna co-opt what they did, act like we came up with it, name a lot of it after ourselves while the planet heals itself. And then I don't know where it goes from there. Either it starts all over again Or some William Wallace type of guy rises up.
Can you imagine if this has actually been happening? Like this is the natural progression of the planet. And every, like, I don't know how long human beings have been on the planet. Let's just say a million years. I don't fucking know. I don't listen to that. Tyson Fury, what's his name? Mike Tyson Fury. The scientist, Tyson Fury.
he's like the dr philip scientist he's always on stuff talking to dumb people like me and we're all like boy oh boy is this guy smart um is he smart or does he just always talk to people dumber than he is when exactly is this is he a how the fuck are you a famous scientist you haven't invented anything um anyway
Like every million years, like this is where we start in the caves and then we get all the way to like fucking AI virtual reality. And then the whole place burns down and a handful of us make it to Antarctica. We ride it out.
and you know we just run out of natural resources and we just become primitive again and then we all take off to different parts of the world and we're separate from one another for a long time which creates different races of people and it just starts all over again it starts all over again and each generation or each like version of it has their own buddhas allahs jesus
muhammad and all of that just start and just different names each time i don't know bill or maybe this is the one and only shot we got we're gonna fuck it hey you know it could be that it could be that um all right that is the podcast everybody little sci-fi mixed in with your bruins talk mixed in with uh little current affairs how about that how about that you know a lot of people need to bring a guest on
So the guests can help draw out the stupidity of the host, but not this podcast. Old Billy can do it all by himself. The stupidity just effortlessly flows. All right. That is the podcast. Have a great weekend, you cunts. Ah, sorry. Yawned there. And we have a bonus episode of the Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday morning podcast from a Thursday in the past. And I hope you enjoy it.
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Chapter 5: What challenges does the 17-year-old face with women?
I don't know. Ireland. Ireland. I'm 17 years old and have always been a fat cunt. Well, that's good, man. You're looking at yourself honestly. Now, what can we do about this? Recently, I lost the weight and started getting into the gym. There you go. I'm now 6'1 and 200 pounds, so naturally have started getting more female attention. All right, this is all good.
I was never been successful with women, but now I'm turning this franchise around. There you go. Well, dude, you're only 17. You're just getting out of the gate here. My only problem is I'm a quiet guy and don't know how to talk to them. They seem to just want to talk about bullshit or gossip and meaningless crap. Oh, God. Dude, you can't be this cynical at 17.
You sound like me right now, and I'm going to be 50. I try and be funny and make them laugh, which can only get me so far. I can't maintain a relationship because they open their mouths and I contemplate suicide. Jesus. You sound like a writer. Are you creative or something? Or you think too much? I consider myself a straightforward, no BS kind of guy, but I'm just a wanker.
Is this a problem with me or them? I don't hate women. I just don't get along with them.
Chapter 6: How can one improve their dating life?
If possible, I would love to hear what Nia has to say. Oh, she wouldn't like how you worded all of this. Thanks, Bill. Go fuck yourself. P.S. If you're getting into soccer, I suggest you support either Tottenham or Liverpool as they have young, exciting teams and aren't soulless corporate entities like Chelsea or Man City. Oh, I didn't know that. All right. I'll support Liverpool then.
That's where the Beatles are from, right? I don't fucking know. Well, anyways. All right. What's your problem? I don't know. I think you're a little defensive. I think you're a little insecure, so you're kind of projecting on them. I know that that's what I did. So I would say open yourself up a little bit more and realize how amazing they are. But women are just like men.
A good one is hard to find. Good woman, hard to find. So you're only 17, dude. And I think also trying to make them laugh is always a good thing. And what I've learned is a lot of times they just want you to listen. And they don't want you to try to solve their problems. So just, you know, when they tell a story, hold both their hands and be like, oh, my God. I don't know.
Why would you ask me like I know anything about women? Jesus Christ, they fucking hate me. My fan base is a fucking sausage fest.
um i gotta give you more advice than that uh yeah dude this is a weakness of mine understanding women i i have no idea you just basically uh i don't know it's like writing charlie manson being like hey how do i uh get along with people a little more a little more better He's probably a better example, right? Didn't he just die? What a fucking life, huh? What a fucking life.
I just can't imagine spending that much time in jail. Like you're never getting out again. You're in your 30s. You're never getting out again. Like how you're not just sitting there like, really? You gotta be fucking kidding me. Fascinating guy. And in all the wrong ways. That guy literally never committed, as far as we know, never committed a murder. But was such a fucking lunatic.
I remember seeing a horror movie. Where all a guy had to do was just whisper in somebody's ear or something like that. And then he just fucking would just do whatever the guy said. Just had that, like literally the fucking devil. He spent his whole life, you know. Just imagine if he ever, you know. If he got Mickey Dolenz's part on the monkeys. It's unreal. It's unreal.
If somebody liked Hitler's drawings... That's why you have to encourage people. All right, Westerns, everybody. Dear Billy Sundance. Billy the Sundance. Okay, I've been just getting into Western. I wasn't a huge fan as a kid. I was more into space and futuristic stuff. But as I round my mid-20s and I'm living more of a loner life, I'm starting to connect more.
I'm really looking forward to the new Christian Bale movie, Hostiles. Oh, yeah, I can't wait to see that. I hope I said that correctly. Because I loved... 310 to Yuma. I love the original two. My other favorites are Tombstone and Butch Cassidy. I was hoping to hear which one your favorites are and get some recommendations to watch while I'm snowed in for the next four days.
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Chapter 7: What advice is given about breaking up with a partner?
So those are my recommendations. I would go with the Clint Eastwood Spaghetti Westerns. All right. My life's fucked. My fucked life. Sorry. My fucked life. This sounds like a sitcom, right? Oh, fuck the battery. Did the battery just die? Oh, the battery is going to die. Oh, fuck. I got to wrap this up. All right. My fucked life.
Hey, if I don't get through all this, thank you to everybody for listening. And once again, congratulations to the Patriots and the Eagles and congratulations to the Jaguars and the Vikings on two great seasons. All right. Four great seasons. All right. My fuck life. Dear Bill and Nia. I'm 17 and still in high school. I'm in a bit of a pickle. What the fuck is wrong with this thing?
It keeps beeping. I think I'm falling for my best friend. I realized after we were falling asleep at her house, she had just taken off her makeup and made a joke like, Sorry, I look so bad. But when I looked at her, I thought she looked so beautiful and cute in her sweatshirt. That was just a little too big for her. What is this, flash dance? However, she's currently dating a cunt.
Well, what the fuck are you doing over our house? All right, I'm back. I guess my recorder was almost filled up. Sorry about that. So now I had to fucking edit two things together, as always, as always, making my life difficult. Anyways, yeah, so what are you doing over this person's house? she's dating somebody else.
Anyway, she, he goes, he's a loser, no job, still gets an allowance, an expensive car that his mommy bought him, sits at home all day playing video games, getting stone and treats people like he's above them. She knows I hate him. And I openly mock him, um, in front of our friends, her, and even him, uh, like he got her this really generic, but expensive looking heart shaped necklace, uh,
When she showed it to everyone, I looked at him and said loudly, wow, must have cost your mom quite a big, whatever that means. As you can imagine, he tries to avoid me. Yeah, well, you're being a fucking cunt. We share the same friends and they hate him and like me. But mind you, I'm no prize either. I'm trying to get a job unlike him. Oh, Jesus, you don't even have a fucking job.
And I'm saving up for a car. So her choices are two guys who don't have a job and he has a rich mom. Well, there you go. I tend to be nice, a nice guy, but can at times piss people off with my jokes and even be a dick with my jokes. You sound like you're being a dick. I'm not saying you are, but you're being a dick to this guy. He's at least three inches taller than me and handsomer.
Better looking, I guess. He's got this great smile that makes me want to fuck him up for sure. Well, that makes me want to fuck it up for him. But recently, I've started to turn my life around, quit beer, porn, and drugs. My grades are going up, applying for college, working out a lot, but all this in hopes of catching her eye.
Like I said, she's my best friend and has a boyfriend, so I really don't know how to handle this. Any help from you, Ania, would be greatly appreciated. Yeah, dude, I would start fishing in a different watering hole. All right?
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Chapter 8: What are the predictions for the upcoming NFL Championship games?
Who knows? Maybe it'll happen. But I can tell you it's definitely not going to happen if you're just going to be her friend and making snide remarks about
about her her boyfriend come on do you got to be better than that that's just coming off like uh you know you're acting like a fucking you're acting like a douche and i don't know how else to put it um that's not a strong move all right um and you should have more going on in your life than the fuck it'd be you know you should have more self-esteem than that all right okay she wants to date this fucking guy guess what it's her loss
All right. So fuck it. Get on with your life. Keep working out and work out for yourself. Go to college for yourself. Do all this shit for yourself. Feel good about yourself. You start putting out more of a positive vibe as opposed to, you know, hanging around her shitting on her current boyfriend. I mean, that's just like, I don't know. That's not a good look. Okay. I believe in you. All right.
Do what I just said or don't. Because I don't have any professional training. All right. Dumping my girlfriend. A Billy Billboard brow. Fucking asshole. That's another good one. Recent fan to your podcast, stand up and all that jazz. Anyways. I'm a 24-year-old dude, and I've been dating and living with my girl for almost four years now, and I finally had enough.
She's a real downer and talks shit about people, including her friends, like it's an Olympic sport. Now, the problem is she lost her job a month ago on account of her shit-talking and hasn't exactly been going out and looking for a new one because she's anxious or whatever.
leaving me to pick up her end of the bills she didn't have any savings because she had picked up the habit of going out and drinking every night i honestly wouldn't have a problem uh just up and leaving but the apartment is a stone's throw from the beach and my other roommate and i really don't want to leave the fucking decisions people make It's right near the beach.
The other roommate is my best friend. Okay, she's got a lot of books and shit. And the bed is hers. So it wouldn't be a little... So it would be a little difficult to do the old put all her stuff in a box trick. Deep down, I do still... Have love for her. So the idea of kicking her out hurts my heart, but I just can't deal with the endless drama and unhappiness.
Would love to hear your advice on the podcast. And as always, go fuck yourself. Yeah, the relationship has run its course. And you need to go your separate ways. And sometimes when that happens, you know, somebody, yeah, somebody gets hurt.
all right but you're not doing her any favors if you don't want her to be with you and you just you're just wasting her and your time so uh you know this is why you don't fucking live with somebody unless you know you're gonna marry him i don't know i don't know oh boy um So what do you do break up with her and then tell her to move out all at the same time or those two separate conversations.
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