Chapter 1: What happens when someone gets abducted by aliens?
that's friday friday 6 11 p.m i just got i just got abducted by aliens everybody i'm i'm on a spaceship this is not cool man um they had this probe going going right into me it's filled with booze i call it the booze probe Pretty good.
Um... So... You know, it's... They're letting me chill out up here with them, and they... I think we should just, you know... Enjoy... Enjoy some... Some classical music. I got... I have some... Some, uh... Johann Sebastian Bach. Just gonna... Just gonna put him on for a little bit. Cause... I'm stuck up here. I don't know what to do. Uh, Bok? Come in, Bok! We've... Thank you.
Man, you gotta love Bach. How could you not like that? That's... I'm kind of happy that they abducted me. Friday was getting off to a rough start for me, and then here I am up here, and... Uh, okay. Oh, it's Jeff Goldblum with me in the spaceship. Where... Where the... There's aliens, and... They were... They were probing me. Stop. Okay. I'll stop, Jeff.
Well, as I was saying, Bach is pretty goddamn amazing. Like, how relaxing was that? How am I controlling the music up here? I don't have my soundboard and stuff. This alien technology is crazy. They just take big things and shove it up your ass and then you can make music and stuff. Let me see if I can think of some more Bach. I think Bach Friday should definitely be a thing.
Chapter 2: Why is Bach significant to the host during the alien encounter?
I'm totally into Bach right now. This is a Goldberg variation. I don't know if that's like Whoopi Goldberg variations. I don't know. This is... Uh, no, actually... Well, yeah, this is... Wow, there's, like, different variations, man. I keep seeing these things in my head. I don't know what's going on. Let's play this one. Goldberg Variation BWV 988. Variation 23! There's 23!
There's more than that. There's, like, 30. Is that, like, tracks on a record? What were they thinking back then? And 32. tracks on their albums. I feel wonderful. It's like a drug, but a perfectly pure and benign drug. The power. I feel surging inside me. I don't want to be able to wear you out. We'll be the perfect couple. The dynamic duo. It's called Bach. Relax.
I'm going to come and naively probe you too, dude. Uh, Mr. Goldblum? Maybe I could, like, make physical objects appear.
Chapter 3: How does the host describe the alien technology?
Because if I could be music from the past to the present to the here and now, maybe I could make something physical. What do you want, Jeff? Cheeseburger. Do you want cheeseburger? Yeah. Yeah. Guys, how are you? Maybe if I squeeze tighter. Oh, that's disgusting. Don't worry, you'll have your cheeseburger soon, Mr. Goldblum. Let's see, what else can I do up here?
Can I get... Can I get my voicemails up here? I don't know. Let's see if I can do that. It's weird, man. Why is this just you and me in a room together? I don't know if I like this, Jeff. I do like the classical music, though. Bach is definitely... He's one of my favorites. I could always... I could always listen to those guys. Let's see here. Hey, let me squeeze this one out. Let me see.
Squeeze it out. Come on, voicemail. It's me, Larry. I'm still trapped in the bother. The aliens. Oh my god. I remember him from the other night. Harry? Did he say Arkansas or Nevada? Maybe I could get the aliens to fly over there. Maybe I could I gotta save this guy. You know, I beg people to listen to me. I use plain, simple English. I don't... So was Harry.
He was... Um, let's see if we can get... See if I can squeeze out some more Bach. Because, fuck, it's... It's Bach Friday up in this UFO. Uh, if I was going to play some more Bach, which one would I play? Variation fucking 90 or, uh, let's go for one that, that's not even, it's called, uh, Aria da Capo by Bach performed by a Goldberg variation. I don't know, I'll just chill with this one.
See, here I am now by myself talking to myself. I'm still here. You're still here. Remember I tried to squeeze at that cheeseburger for you? Oh. I see the aliens coming back. Shut up, Jeff. Just pretend. Pretend to be the wall. God, they're disgusting. Oh, God. What do they want, Jeff? Listen, I'll make a cappuccino. They don't want cappuccino. Is there an airlock? Can I shoot you out of that?
I want to shoot Jeff Goldblum out of the airlock.
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Chapter 4: What are the variations of Bach's music mentioned?
Thank you. Oh man. Bach is really... Bach is really getting to me on this Friday. I'll tell you what you need. A good anti-psychotic. Oh, I just need some Bach. Fuck you, Jeff Goldblum. I love your movies, but... I'm gonna squeeze out this fucking cheeseburger for you. Maybe you'll shut up. That is one big pile of shit. That's a cheeseburger. It's a fucking cheeseburger, Jeff.
Hey, Nick the Rat. I don't know if you know this, but I saw you yesterday in the grocery store. We each heard the same banana. Our hands tied. That's silly, that's ridiculous. Yes. Oh no, they're coming back. Fucking aliens are coming back. Well, they're not dragons. They kind of look like giant ants. Peppery flavored ants. What is going on? They're in my brain. The ants.
The space ants are in my brain. Oh shit. So that was another song from Bach. We love Bach today. It's Friday. Maybe we'll play more Bach. It's Friday night Bach. Canon. Canon on the 6th. There's also Canon on the 4th. Geez, there's a lot of cannons. How did Bach die? He lived to be 65 back in 1970s. The year he dies, 85 to 70. That's a good run, Bach. He was starting to come blind.
And an eye surgeon cut his shit open like twice. I don't want surgery of any type. Especially not on my eyes. He apparently died of apoplexia? Apoplexy. Oh, he had a stroke. That sucks. Uh, maybe these aliens could not do that to me. Uh, we're gonna... We're gonna play more Bach, because I don't want to get stroked by these aliens. Their spaceship's kind of cool.
You think of music, and it just plays. Here's some Canada the Second! We're going backwards, reverse. Bye, too. You know what's really good about being in a spaceship? There's no... There's no pollen. I have, you know, kind of bad allergies.
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Chapter 5: How does the host feel about classical music in space?
And you get the pollen in your nose and then... You gotta burn the paper. Dump toxic waste. Pollute the air and rip up the ozone. Maybe if we screw this planet up enough... What the hell's going on? Stop ranting. Jesus Christ, calm down, Jeff Goldblum. Listen to some Bach. Fuckin' Bach is gonna chill you out, bro. I wish there was like a rock and roll version of Bach. That'd be cool.
But until we got that, we got... We got... We got... I don't know. It's Variation 30 of some shit. Fuck. Thank you. Hi, this is Raquel. I heard that you were a rat expert. I have a few rats that have telekinetic abilities. I wanted to talk to you more about them.
Some of these things these rats have been doing are sometimes they massage me or sometimes they'll lift up things in the kitchen or the living room. Pretty cool. I'd love to talk to you more. Maybe you can make a cameo appearance on the show. It's pretty remarkable here. All right. Well, call me back. My name is Raquel Johnson. I'm from Utah. So give me a call back. I like your show. It's great.
And I keep looking out for dragons every night because I hope maybe they'll fly over to here after you saw them in Brooklyn. All right, then. Take care. Bye-bye. Oh, you gotta love Bach. Hey, alien dudes, give me another one of those shots of that alcohol. Get over here. Come here, you little monkeys. Little monkey ants. Give me that shot. All right, you guys. Get out. Get away from me and Jeff.
What are you doing to Jeff? Whoa. Jeff, stop. Get that out. Help me. Okay, Jeff. I'll help you. Get out of here. You little fuckers. Get out. They're gone. Don't worry, Jeff. Jeff, they're out of here, man. All right. So, well, you know, it's Bach Friday, so you know what that means. What does that mean, Jeff? Just do it!
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Chapter 6: What humorous interactions occur with Jeff Goldblum?
No! We're just going to do more Bach for you. We've got canon on the octave. I think that's the eighth? I don't know. They have weird ways of saying stuff back then, I guess. Back in the... Thank you. Oh, look at that. It's Nick the Rat tied up to a wall of UFO. Oh, come on, Rainer. You set us free. Oh, look at that. There's Jack O'Bloom over there, too, eh?
Yeah, well, you know, you look pretty good tied up. No, no, a lady. Enough. I'm not a lady, Jeff. Jeff, I am Jim Raynor. I've destroyed the Zika virus before it infected everybody. It's true, Jeff. He's our savior and stuff. Just don't piss him off. He's usually drunk, and he might do some bad stuff. I'm going to fucking kill all these aliens up here. It's going to get wild.
I don't know where they went. They left the room. Is that Bach? Do I hear some Bach? Before I kill all these aliens, I'm just going to sit down and listen to you because it's Friday. It's a long week, everybody. I'm just going to sit and listen to some Bach. Come on, Will. You're all right. Come on. That was Bach. Bach on the octet. Bach on the canon on the octet. The Goldberg variation.
I guess Goldberg does... These are... Different things Goldberg's done. Who's Goldberg? Did he steal... Did he steal Bach's stuff? I don't even know how that would work. Uh, let's listen to, uh, well, maybe we can listen to Variation 6 and then Variation 9. If we do that in a row, that makes Bach 69. Let's, uh, woo, Bach 69. If you're 69 into Bach, you're living a pretty interesting life.
I-69 carried it into the box the other night. Of course you did. I put that past you, fucking Jim. You're going to save us soon, I hope, right? I'm going to go home. Back to the sewer. Space is cool with the box and all, but the sewer is where the heart is. Got a slice of pizza down there, too. Just shut up, Nick. Don't worry. You're going home soon, okay? Listen to some Bach.
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Chapter 7: How does the host react to the aliens' behavior?
It's Friday. Friday Bach. Oh, what the hell just happened to Six? Six cut out fast. These aliens were packing me a pipe. They're coming back in here. Hey, little alien buddies. Are you going to give me that pipe over there, you little bastards? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, give me that pipe. Okay, guys. Let's see what the space weed does.
that is some good stuff that's definitely up in there man yep they're not working on something it'll change the world as we know it change the world as we know it we're coming up to the variations nine to complete the 69 of the bach-holdberg triangle or something So, Thank you. Thank you. They just took me to the bathroom. Thank you, little guys. That was cool.
You didn't have to hold my wiener, though. I have that under control. Thanks, guys. Yeah, yeah, he called me. Do you know what it's about? He wants to take you to the bathroom. I don't know, Jeff. You're a horrible partner to be trapped in a spaceship with. You know who's not hard to be trapped up in the spaceship with? That would be Bach.
I wish I could bring Bach back to the future, but I can't. But I can play his music, which is timeless. And, you know, whatever. He just wrote stuff down. It's kind of like all those notes existed. He just lined them up and stuff. Ooh, is that a scratch-off? Hold on, I gotta go get that. Listen to some more Bach. Hold on, guys. Scratch-offs in space. ... ... ...
One of those aliens slipped a win for life in my back pocket. Let's see if I won my space bucks. I got a 10 and they got a 14. That's not right. I just didn't win $2. Thank you, aliens. All right, let's see. I got a seven. That's a good roll. Oh, hey. These aliens are outdoing me in outer space. I got a 110. All right, wait. These aliens are kind.
This wonderful life in outer space has another game attached to it. Maybe that whole bathroom rape thing wasn't a bad idea for me anyway. Let's see. I win nothing. I won being molested in a spaceship by aliens tonight.
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Chapter 8: What conclusion does the host reach about Bach and the aliens?
This is not the vacation that I wanted. I just... I know what they look like now. Giant ant-looking things. They're not dragons. Maybe those are just... There's probably a lot of breeds of aliens, I guess. If there's one, why were you so ignorant to say there's not a ton? That's like... Well, there can only be one certain type of looking alien out there.
No, the odds are saying that, you know, there's got to be more than one. There's only one Bach, though. And apparently he's a shitload of variations of his music. So let's hear another one, Variation 11. If I already played this one, I wouldn't be able to tell you or not. It all sounds... Sounds the same but different at the same time. Oh wow, there's a window! I'm looking out the window, Jeff!
Jeff, come here! Okay. Come over here, Jeff. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no. No, come here. Look, I'm looking out the window down to Earth, and I can see all the people tuned in to my brain. Absolutely not. Okay, fine. I'm going to go over there. Hold on. Oh, look. There's New York reporting into my brain. Hello, New York. It looks like somewhere in mid-America, Tennessee.
Oh, you're tuned into outer space, bro. It looks like Sacramento. California Sacramento. You're in outer space with Bach and Nick the Rat and Jeff Goldblum on a Friday. Wait, all right, the Earth's turning. Come on, turn some more. There's China. Hey, China. There's nobody in China listening. They're... They're probably busy. Uh... Oh, we're coming up to the penis-shaped thing.
Ooh, it looks like Denmark! And... Oh, we got Deutschland, Germany! Oh, hey! What's... Oh, there goes Belgium! Hey! Oh, man, I'm getting... Oh, man, Manchester! Manchester, and then... There's New Jersey! I can see... Oh, fuck New Jersey. I guess that's one spin of the Earth. That's enough of that. So, Jeff, man, what is your favorite caffeine? It's not the Dilettante's plastic kitchen model.
It's one of those real restaurant espresso machines with an eagle on top. I don't even know what that was. Let's play some more Bach because it's Bach Friday. Variation 26? Apparently. Did I already do 26? I might have. This is upbeat, though. I like this. Hey, aliens, bring me another beverage. God damn it. Get over here. Give me that goddamn bottle. Get over here. Wow.
Nick the Rat just ran down the hallway naked. I don't know. He called the aliens over for the beer. He stripped naked and ran down the hallway. Huh? Oh, look. They're chasing him. I'm just going to chill with Jeff Goldblum for a while. I'm going to look at that guy and run around buck naked around that spaceship. That Bono? What did you just say about a white pussy?
What the fuck are you saying, Bono? Get out of here! Oh, fuck that. I'm sorry. Thank you. Wow, that was an abrupt ending to a perfect song. But it's not an abrupt ending to a perfect Friday. There's still plenty of hours left in the day. So, here's more Bach. Bach air. I guess this is cold air. This is a change-up in the Bach. Oh, this is like Bach Probe. Even Jim Raynor knows this one.
Excellent. That's what I'm saying, Jeff. What do you think? What do you think this is? I didn't mean to kill your brother. I don't even have a brother. Oh, yeah, it's Seth Rundle. No, it's not. Your name is Jeff Goldblum. You were here for the past hour with me and Nick. Listen to fucking Bob. Uh, Seth? No, it's Jeff. Jeff Goldblum. God damn it. Seth Rundle? Jim. That's me. I'm Jim Rainer.
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