On Purpose with Jay Shetty
4 Types of Toxic People in Your Life & 4 Tools to Stop Letting Them Drain You
Fri, 22 Nov 2024
What drains your energy the most? How do you deal with toxic behaviors? Today, Jay tackles a topic we can all relate to – dealing with those challenging family members and coworkers who add a little extra stress to our lives, especially as the holiday season rolls around. If you’re already bracing yourself for gatherings with people who seem to bring more tension than joy, Jay’s got you covered. He dives into why certain people fall into negative or toxic patterns, breaking down types like the pessimist, the complainer, the eternal victim, the energy drainer, and the “just good enough” person. Jay’s perspective sheds light on how these behaviors aren’t really who they are at their core but are often habits born from past hurts or unmet needs. Jay doesn’t just stop at explaining, though – he shares some really practical, relatable tips on how to navigate these tough dynamics without letting them throw you off balance. He talks about ways to respond with empathy, set emotional boundaries, and even gently redirect conversations when they start to drag you down. In this episode, you'll learn: How to Handle Toxic Family Members at Gatherings How to Protect Your Peace Around Negative People How to Set Boundaries with Draining Coworkers How to Turn Negative Conversations Around How to Recognize Negative Patterns in Loved Ones How to Stop Taking Toxic Comments Personally You can’t always change someone else’s behavior, but you can protect your own joy and keep a positive outlook. So, as you head into those family gatherings or work meetings, just remember to stay grounded and prioritize your well-being – you deserve it! With Love and Gratitude, Jay Shetty What We Discuss: 00:00 Intro 01:24 How Do You Deal with Toxic People? 03:26 What Makes a Person Negative or Toxic? 04:34 Type 1: The Pessimist 06:06 Type 2: The Complainer 08:05 Type 3: The Eternal Victim 10:19 Type 4: The “Just Good Enough” 13:19 Some Toxic Behavior is Meant to Protect You 15:13 Tips and Strategies to Deal with Toxicity 17:12 Tip 1: Try to Understand Their Story 19:01 Tip 2: The Negativity Begins with Themselves 22:47 Tip 3: Respond with a Reflective Remark 24:05 Tip 4: Create Distance and BoundariesSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
Chapter 1: What drains your energy the most?
Hey, everyone. This is Molly and Matt, and we're the hosts of Grown Up Stuff How to Adult, a podcast from Ruby Studio and iHeart Podcasts.
It's a show dedicated to helping you figure out the trickiest parts of adulting.
Chapter 2: How do you deal with toxic behaviors?
like how to start planning for retirement, creating a healthy skincare routine, understanding when and how much to tip someone, and so much more.
Chapter 3: What are the different types of toxic people?
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Chapter 4: How can you protect yourself from negative influences?
Whenever you allow someone to get inside and skew your own emotions, that means their negativity is won.
The number one health and wellness podcast. Jay Shetty. Jay Shetty.
The one, the only, Jay Shetty.
Hey everyone, welcome back to On Purpose. Thank you so much for showing up for yourself, being here for me and trusting me. I'm so grateful that I get to spend the next 30 minutes with you. Now, usually at this time of year, we're spending a lot of time with family. We're spending a lot of time at gatherings. We're spending a lot of time even with our co-workers, maybe their social events.
And one of the number one questions I get asked is, Jay, how do I deal with negative or toxic family members and or co-workers? Now, I'm sure you've asked this question at some point in your life. And sometimes it's not because there's anything specifically wrong. There's just always been one family member who you're almost scared to see, right?
Maybe there's a colleague at work who you're always uncomfortable around and you're trying to rush any meeting with them or any interaction with them. Maybe there's a family member who always asks you uncomfortable questions. And any of these mean this episode is for you.
Now, if you're at all like me, you like to surround yourself with people who radiate positive energy, people who, without being unrealistic, treat setbacks as opportunities for learning and self-reflection. And let's be honest, even I struggle with that.
So I'm not saying we want to find people and only be around people who are positive and fake positive, because toxic positivity is as bad as toxic negativity. Sometimes it's even harder. But the truth is, there will always be highs and lows, right? And there's always going to be certain people that we find it challenging to be around.
Now, when we're around these negative people, you exit these encounters feeling a kind of contagious darkness. This sad realization that you and that person perceive the world through two radically different lenses. This is really apparent when it comes to our coworkers.
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Chapter 5: What are effective strategies to handle complainers?
They've just been hurt or been practicing that method for a long time. Now, let me talk to you about the different types we meet. The first is the pessimist. This person has a suspicious, paranoid, accusing perspective about everything.
They might like to think of themselves as cynical and sophisticated, but all they are is contemptuous in a childish way, contemptuous of other people's feelings or imperfections, contemptuous that others don't meet, much less ever exceed their expectations. The worst part of all is that pessimists experience themselves as taking the moral high ground. I know you know what I'm talking about.
They think ahead and see things that you don't. They can pinpoint the hundred different ways something will go wrong, whereas the rest of the world, in its naivete, has no idea. They're innocents who insist on seeing life through pink lenses.
If you had their brain, experience, and forethought, you might understand that he sees things as they really are, whereas you see things as you wish they were. Now, it can be really draining and tiring to be around a pessimist. They're always looking at what's going wrong. They're always looking at what might not be quite right. You go to a wedding, they're complaining about the food.
Right, you go to a birthday party, they're complaining about the entertainment. They're finding a way to put a downer on whatever it may be. And hey, if you're like me, I've been sucked into this before. I've actually been sucked into it where I've started to do the same. How many of you have ever felt that? Where you actually start to behave that way? Now, the second one is the complainer.
For complainers, everything is wrong, off, flawed, not good enough, sloppy, amateurish, two inches too high, two inches too low. You didn't bring the right napkins. This soup isn't seasoned right. Did you forget to turn the heat on? Why didn't you send that report at five sharp? And you're like, it's now 5.03, what's the matter with you?
As everyone knows, it's a lot easier to complain and criticize than it is to create something. It's far easier to pass judgment on others than to take a personal risk ourselves. That's the nature of the complainer. It seems they won't be happy until they're able to point out who, what, and where it all went wrong.
One of the things that I've found really, really helpful about this is asking the complainer what their highlight was from the last night. And if they don't have one, sharing one of your own. So let's say you're talking on the phone the next day or texting the next day and they go, oh God, did you see what they were wearing? Oh God, wasn't last night a bore?
Just be like, well, I can understand how it was, but this was one of my highlights. What was one of yours? All of a sudden, you've turned it without making the other person feel bad, without discrediting them. And by the way, I'm not saying to ignore people's feelings.
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Chapter 6: How to respond to the eternal victim mentality?
How many of us know a friend who we don't turn up for because we know they're fine by themselves? But we all know a friend who we run to help because they're always complaining. Now, in this same way, they crave respect because often they don't respect themselves.
They want to feel in control and prepared for any circumstance or eventuality that might take them by surprise because the alternative makes them feel almost vulnerable. Now, think about how you respond to positive people, people who lift you up, who smile and make jokes and don't take life all that seriously. They make you feel connected, happy, seen,
Negative people, on the other hand, not only make us unhappy, they make us doubt the way we see the world. We're social beings. It's natural for us to care about others and to care what they think of us too.
It's one reason why being in love is such an exhilarating sensation and why it's doubly hard being around people whose negativity, excessive anxiety, lack of trust, or all-encompassing pessimism is so challenging to respond to.
Whether it's a parent who discourages us from pursuing our passions and dreams, a sibling who tells us that going on the roller coaster is too dangerous and will fall and break our necks, or a work colleague who gives you dirty looks across the room, being around negativity and toxicity chips away at our happiness, confidence, and well-being. But I want to make a distinction here.
There is a difference between someone being negative to try and protect you and someone being negative when they're trying to hurt you. Often our parents and our family members are trying to protect us. They want us to be safe. It's not that they don't believe in our dreams, it's that they don't want us to go through the things that it takes to get to our dreams. Listen to me carefully.
It's not that your family doesn't believe in your dreams. They don't want you to go through the pain that may come if you pursue your dreams. Sometimes people want to protect you, not hurt you. Don't misunderstand their protection for as their projection of your potential failure. They don't think you're going to fail. They don't want you to fail.
They're just worried about how you'll feel if you fail. It's important to remember that. Okay, I am so excited about this because we've got the first ever merch drop for On Purpose. It's finally here. And for World Mental Health Day, we're doing an exclusive limited edition drop with all the proceeds going to the National Alliance on Mental Illness, NAMI.
So now you can wear your On Purpose merch, listen to the podcast, and know that you too are having an impact. I want to thank you so much in advance. I can't wait to see all of your pictures wearing the merch. There's sweatshirts, a hat, t-shirts. Check it out on our website, jshettyshop.com. That's jshettyshop.com. And remember, 100% of the proceeds go to NAMI.
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Chapter 7: What are the signs of an energy drainer?
Rather than think about how their negativity affects you, imagine what it's like being inside a brain like that 24-7. Once you consider their behavior from that point of view, you'll realize that the negativity they show the world likely pales to their own self-criticism. And that's what leads us to the next point. Remember, it's not about you.
Now, how is the hurtful comment my sister just made about the way I laugh or the remark my coworker delivered about the condition of my desk not about me? It's not, and I'll explain. Negativity is a bias that sweeps up everything in its path. A negative remark directed to you may feel personal, and in many ways it is, but that doesn't mean it's personal to you.
It's worth thinking of negativity or pessimism as a pair of glasses your sister or work colleague came into this world wearing, lenses that were darkened further through difficult experiences, or feeling frightened or out of control. When I say it's not personal, what I mean is that negative people are negative about everyone and everything, not just you, and it begins with themselves.
What role are you willing to play in your relationship with a negative, toxic person? It's time to decide. This is a big one. And remember, no family or workplace is perfect and drama happens everywhere. Let's say you're home with an older sibling who's having issues with your mom. He comes to you and every word out of his mouth is negative. Mom does this, mom does that.
I know exactly how mom will respond if I don't or if I do. This makes you uncomfortable, but you don't know where to turn. Come on, it's your brother. But for your own mental health and well-being, it's important to determine your role in this dynamic, one which psychologists call splitting, meaning that you're being asked to divide up your loyalties. Are you the designated middleman?
Is there anything productive and positive you can do? Or is this between your brother and your mom? The answer, the latter. Whatever is going on between the two of them has nothing to do with you. It's poisoning your relationship with both of them, and if they want to talk about this, they need to do it face to face.
You might also need to set boundaries with your mom if she brings up your brother. Tell her that you don't feel comfortable talking about his issues with her and that they should engage in a conversation directly. One of the biggest mistakes we make in relationships is we think we can save people. You think you can save the relationship between your mom and your sister.
You think you can save the relationship between your brother and his best friend. You believe you can save the relationship between your parents. You cannot save any relationship that you are not in. Remember that. You can't save a relationship that you're not in. And sometimes you can't even save the one you're in because you're only 50% of the story.
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Chapter 8: How to set boundaries with 'just good enough' individuals?
So it's so important that we take off that pressure for us to solve, save, fix whatever we think is broken and recognize we can be supportive, but we can't solve. We can be supportive, but we can't save. That's not our role. Take off that pressure. Give yourself some space and grace. And hold fast to your own power. Don't let negativity seep through your firewall.
Remember, negative people are who they are and you are who you are. Whenever you allow someone to get inside and skew your own emotions, that means their negativity is won and that you've given it too much power and influence. Remember always that you're in charge of the way you feel, the way you see the world and the way you interpret the world.
Yes, you may be wrong, and every now and then the negative person has a point to make that you may agree with, but be careful about relinquishing your identity and power to a family member or colleague who has an axe to grind.
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Hi, I'm Daniel. I'm a particle physicist and I think our universe is absolutely extraordinary.
Hello, I'm Kelly Wienersmith. I study parasites along with nature's other creepy crawlies and there's just endless things about this universe that I find fascinating.
All right, well basically we're both nerds. We love learning about this extraordinary universe and we love sharing what we've learned. So that's what we're going to do.
And on our podcast, Daniel and Kelly's Extraordinary Universe is all about the mind-blowing discoveries we've made about this crazy, beautiful cosmos.
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