On Purpose with Jay Shetty
The Episode for People Who Are Exhausted By Dating (How to Change Your Strategy and Mindset for the New Year)
Fri, 20 Dec 2024
Are you tired of dating? What’s your biggest dating struggle? Today, Jay talks about the complexities of dating, relationships, and building meaningful connections in today’s fast-paced world. He emphasizes the importance of focusing on trust, emotional maturity, communication, and shared values – traits that truly matter in a partner – while learning to move past surface-level “icks” that can distract us from finding real love. Through personal anecdotes and insights from Match’s Singles in America study, Jay explores why many of us are chasing outdated ideas of love, trying to recreate the romanticized relationships of our younger selves. Instead, shift your focus to the present, to nurture healthy dynamics built on honesty, respect, and mutual growth. In this episode, you'll learn: How to Build Trust in Relationships How to Spot the Right Partner Through Their Actions How to Ask Questions That Reveal True Priorities How to Balance Patience and Expectations in Relationships How to Handle Communication Differences Effectively No matter where you are on your journey –single, dating, or in a long-term relationship – remember that love is a process, not a destination. With Love and Gratitude, Jay Shetty What We Discuss: 00:00 Intro 01:01 Why Dating Has Become Extremely Challenging 06:24 The Core Values Feature 10:28 Questions to Ask on the First Date 12:58 Top Two Turn On with a New Partner 13:55 Are You Being Patient with the Right Person? 17:30 Does Your Partner’s Opinion Bother You? 19:14 Allow Other Forms of Relationships to Grow 21:54 Do You Communicate Properly with Your Partner? 24:01 Most Relationships Has a Healing Problem 25:16 Are You in the Wrong Relationship?See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
Chapter 1: Why has dating become extremely challenging?
Hey, everyone. This is Molly and Matt, and we're the hosts of Grown Up Stuff How to Adult, a podcast from Ruby Studio and iHeart Podcasts.
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45 years ago, a Virginia soul band called the Edge of Daybreak recorded their debut album, Behind Bars. Record collectors consider it a masterpiece. The band's surviving members are long out of prison, but they say they have some unfinished business. Listen to Soul Incarcerated on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
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Chapter 2: What are the core values to look for in a partner?
When you trust someone, it means if you share your emotions with them, you believe they'll take them seriously. When you share your heart with them, you believe they'll hold it gently. When you share your dreams with them, you believe that they'll be excited for you. Trust is when you feel such a safe space that you can truly be yourself without holding back.
The number one health and wellness podcast. Jay Shetty. Jay Shetty. The one, the only Jay Shetty.
Hey everyone, welcome back to On Purpose. Thank you for tuning in for another episode. If you're in a relationship and want to know if it's the right or wrong one, this episode is for you. If you're newly dating, and you're trying to figure out how to build a deeper connection, this episode is for you.
And if you're exhausted of dating and it's feeling like a job, a chore, something you have to get to, this episode is for you. Now, I want to start off by saying that... Dating has become extremely challenging. We know it's hard. We know it's complicated. But here's the thing. It's not that it's ever been that easy. Sure, people may have found people quicker.
Chapter 3: What questions should you ask on a first date?
Sure, people may have found people closer to them, easier, that knew their family. But that didn't mean it led to healthy, fulfilling relationships. I'm sure you've seen aunts and uncles, maybe even parents, people around you who didn't model or have the best relationships. And therefore, finding connection is something that requires work. It is something that requires time.
And so I think sometimes we have this nostalgia effect that everyone who came before us found love and everyone who came before us found the perfect person. but that for some reason for us, it has got more hard. Now, I'm not saying that the day-to-day may not feel harder.
Chapter 4: How to identify if you're being patient with the right person?
I'm not saying that the day-to-day isn't more challenging and there are more aspects of ghosting and gaslighting and everything else that's happening. But I will add this, the possibility for you to attract love into your life exists every single day. But it's important that we come at it from a place of love, not from a place of anxiety. Anxiety doesn't attract peace.
Anxiety attracts more anxiety. It attracts more nervousness. It attracts more awkwardness. It attracts more discomfort. But when we're in a place of peace, we're able to spot and attract more peace. Now, deeper connection and my fascination with it is what led me to partner up with Match. And something I've always loved about Match is that they've done their annual Singles in America study.
And last year, they revealed the top traits singles are looking for in a partner. 94% said someone they can trust and confide in. 92% said someone who's comfortable communicating their wants and needs. 92% said someone who is emotionally mature. And 92% said someone who can make them laugh. Now, I just want you to take a moment.
If you've just started dating, how many of you say this thing, but then an ick gets in the way when you're actually dating? Maybe you don't like the fact that they wear jewelry. Maybe you don't like their dress sense. Maybe you don't like their hairstyle. Maybe you don't like some weird quirk they have. But what has that got to do with someone you can trust and confide in?
Sure, I'm not saying to ignore attractiveness or chemistry, but so often we get fixated on this one element, this one idiosyncrasy of theirs that it kind of cascades across the rest of who they are. How does the fact that they wear jewelry affect whether they're comfortable communicating their wants and needs?
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Chapter 5: What to do when your partner's opinion bothers you?
How does the fact that they have a terrible dress sense relate to them being emotionally mature or immature? It's really interesting to me how we get caught up on these ics and these idiosyncrasies that just distract us away from what we actually set out to look for, what we actually set out to focus on. And we all know today more than ever, are times valuable?
The study shows that 73% of singles only want to go on in-person dates with someone they already know they have good chemistry with. And this can be really, really challenging because how do you quickly figure out whether you have chemistry with someone? And I think chemistry has been the red herring or the distraction. Chemistry has been that thing, that elusive...
ethereal idea that almost keeps us single because we keep looking for it. We keep searching for it. We want the relationship we wanted at 16 years old. We want the relationship we wanted at that age. We want the person we were attracted to at that age. We want the person that we dreamt of at that age. And because we didn't find them at that age, we're still looking for them today.
So we're now 36 trying to date that 16-year-old. We're now 28 trying to find that teenage romance that we were looking for. There's a lot of us that are living in a younger love story than our current age. We're living in a mental reality that's younger That isn't real right now. And it's keeping us distracted and keeping us fully fixated on the wrong things.
Chapter 6: How to handle communication differences effectively?
So one of Match's most popular features that I worked on with them is the core values feature, where singles can share what matters to them most and find people who prioritize the same things as they do. Just for signing up, I will send you my 10 deep dive questions to get to know someone on a deeper level. We want to help people shift from a superficial mindset to a values mindset.
In addition to our bespoke core values feature on Match, we've added deep dives, a way to choose a topic and share what you value and why it's important to you. I want to invite you all to put these lessons into practice with me. I'm partnering with Match to create something that has never been done before.
To be the first to know more about our new dating reset, sign up for the waitlist at datingreset.match.com. datingreset.waitlist.com. Now, that's so important to me because if we're saying the number one thing we want is someone we can trust and confide in, well, that starts on day one. right? That starts on day one.
And among the match community, honesty, love, and loyalty are currently the top values chosen across all demographics. And that says a lot about what people really want in a relationship. And hey, if you connect on that at the beginning, you have the chance to build the rest of it. I think this is the part that's really interesting for me that...
Chapter 7: Are you in the wrong relationship?
You're with the right person if you start in the right place. I'll give you an example. If I plant a seed and I plant it in terrible soil, it's not fertile. I plant it in a way where it's not going to get sunlight or water. Sure, it might grow and sure, I can try and save it later, but I'm not giving it the best chance of success. And a lot of our relationships are like that.
They start with the mind games. They may start with the manipulation. They start with the playing hard to get. That's like having no sun, no water, and no fertile soil and hoping that we're going to grow love from it. And then we try and rescue it, right? When we see a little glimmer of hope, we start watering it. We start giving it the right sunlight. We start giving it everything else it needs.
And we're almost always hanging on. But what if you're with the right person because you made it right? What if that's what it meant to be with the right person? Not that you found the right person, but you found a person and decided to do it right. And you both decided to do it right. That's actually what a healthy relationship is. I think we're perplexed. 72% of us believe in to some way.
And when we say that, we mean that there's someone who's perfectly formed, perfectly created, perfectly crafted, right? just for us, destined for us. What we're saying is we're going to potentially go through 8 billion people to find that one person. The reality is that most healthy relationships are not perfect relationships.
Most healthy relationships will agree that they weren't made for each other. They may feel they were meant for each other, But they'll recognize that there's the ability that they both choose to make it right. Stop looking for the right person. Find your person who wants to make it right with you and you want to make it right with them. You both want to make the right choices together.
And that's why you're right for each other. Not because you're perfect. Not because you were designed, made, or crafted perfectly for each other. But because you chose together to make good decisions. And I get it. Sometimes you're thinking, well, how do I do this on a first date? Or if I just started seeing someone, how do I suddenly ask these questions? Don't they seem a bit too aggressive?
And chances are, you're probably right. At the same time, you want to ask curious questions that actually give the person the opportunity
to say where they're at so if you say to someone hey what's been you know what's been exciting for you lately and they talk about their job you're getting a sense that that's their top priority now if you say to someone what's your top priority in life sure that's a heavy question to just ask off the bat right you may ask that and by the way that's a great question to ask someone that you've been seeing for a few months and getting to know quite deeply
And you may say, what is your top priority in life? Now, my answer would be, you should actually already know that. And a lot of us don't actually know what our partner's top priority in life is, or we believe what they say in answer to that question and not what they do.
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