On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Why Making New Friends Feels Exhausting As An Adult (And How to Make It Easier)
Fri, 11 Apr 2025
Do you find it hard to make new friends lately? Have your friendships changed as you've gotten older? Why does making new friends as an adult feel like running a marathon with no finish line? Today, Jay takes us on a thoughtful journey into the world of adult friendships — where connections aren’t forged on playgrounds or dorm rooms anymore, but instead in between meetings, family commitments, and the weight of life’s expectations. Jay peels back the layers of why forming new bonds can feel so exhausting as we grow older. He reveals how our changing priorities, unhealed wounds, and limited energy all shape how — and with whom — we connect. With warmth and wisdom, he invites us to explore what true friendship really looks like in adulthood, and why it’s less about quantity and more about alignment, presence, and purpose. In this episode, you'll learn: How to Let Go of Friendships That No Longer Serve You How to Stop Forcing Deep Bonds Too Quickly How to Approach Friendship with Curiosity Instead of Expectation How to Stay Open to New Relationships at Any Age How to Cultivate Meaningful Conversations that Matter Friendships don’t have to be instant to be real. Trust that the right connections will meet you when you show up as your authentic self. With Love and Gratitude, Jay Shetty Join over 750,000 people to receive my most transformative wisdom directly in your inbox every single week with my free newsletter. Subscribe here. Join Jay for his first ever, On Purpose Live Tour! Tickets are on sale now. Hope to see you there! What We Discuss: 00:00 Intro 01:39 This Is The Core Traits Of Real Friends 05:55 Why Making Friends Gets Exhausting As We Age? 09:53 Age Makes You More Doubtful 13:01 With Age, You Become More Selective 17:28 Why Do We Do Things More When There’s Less Friction? 20:38 Be Honest And Tell The People You Want To Build Friendship With 23:58 Find Your Person at Work And Invest In Genuine FriendshipSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
Chapter 1: What are the core traits of real friends?
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When you become an adult, you maybe see your friends once a week if you're lucky for an hour or two. So it's much harder to build that depth. And because of this, we often find it more comfortable to be around old friends, even if we don't connect and don't resonate, compared to new friends who we may have to make more effort with. the number one health and wellness podcast. Jay Shetty.
Jay Shetty.
The one, the only, Jay Shetty.
Hey everyone, welcome back to On Purpose, the place you come to listen, learn, and grow. My name's Jay Shetty, and I am grateful as ever that you decided to tune in, whether you're driving to work, driving back, walking, walking your dog, working out, cooking, whatever you're up to, thank you for being here right now.
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Chapter 2: Why does making new friends get exhausting as we age?
Now, a couple of weeks ago, I posted a TikTok Instagram reel and I was talking about the difference between real friends and fake friends. And it was something I was thinking about for a while now because I started to find that as we get older, we start to think differently about friendships. I remember seeing this quote years ago and it was on a meme and it said, my circle has gone smaller.
but grown in value. And it showed a large coin that was thinner moving into a smaller coin that was thicker and worth more. And it's just interesting how I think so many of us think about our relationships that way. So in this TikTok and in this reel, I said, real friends clap the loudest when you win, even if they're still waiting for their turn. Think about that for a minute.
Real friends don't get jealous. They don't get envious. That's one of the core traits of a real friend. When they see you win, they see what's possible. When they see you win, they want to know how they can join in and celebrate, how they can make you feel happy, how they can honor what you've achieved. I then went on to say real friends lift you up even when they're carrying their own weight.
I think so many of us have been this friend. So many of us have these friends that show up for us, even when we know it isn't easy for them. I then said, real friends know your success is a reflection of hard work, not luck.
When you start to become successful, when you start to make moves, when you start to see some progress, people around you will start to say you're lucky, you're fortunate, you should be grateful. Now, here's the thing. You should feel that way. It's great to feel grateful, fortunate, and lucky when it's for yourself.
But your real friends see and remind you that it was your hard work that paid off. It was your hustle. It was your commitment. It was your dedication. It was the hours that you put in. They saw that. They know that. And they remind you of that. I then went on to say, real friends are happy to see you shine because your light doesn't dim theirs. And real friends do the same back.
But something I've heard from so many of you recently is that making new friends as an adult is exhausting and we want it to be easier, right? We all want to have meaningful relationships. We keep hearing about it in every podcast, in every episode that the quality of your relationships defines the quality of your life.
It's the thing that we hold as the highest metric in what makes us feel like we had a good life at the end of our life. Yet, as we grow older, we change jobs, we move countries, we move cities, and it feels as though we don't have the same friends around us. Or some of us may have the same friends around us and we haven't moved, but we've grown, right?
You may not have moved city or moved country, but you've moved on. And so that group of friends that you grew up around doesn't feel like your people anymore, right? For me, I've moved so much, right? In my years of being an adult, I've lived in India. I've lived in New York. I've lived in LA. I have moved around a lot.
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Chapter 3: How does age affect our trust and selectivity in friendships?
It's like with new friends, you got to show up, you got to make plans, you feel like you can't just be on your phone, you can't just lay back, it actually requires something of you. Have you ever wondered if your pet is lying to you?
Why is my cat not here? And I go in and she's eating my lunch.
Or if hypnotism is real. You will use the suggestion in order to enhance your cognitive control. But what's inside a black hole?
Black holes could be a consequence of the way that we understand the universe.
Well, we have answers for you in the new iHeart original podcast, Science Stuff. Join me, Jorge Cham, as we answer questions about animals, space, our brains, and our bodies. So give yourself permission to be a science geek and listen to Science Stuff on the iHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
Hauling All Nine Niners, now streaming. It's the more better podcast with two episodes of Brooklyn Nine-Nine fun. Host Stephanie Beatriz and Melissa Fumero welcome two friends and former castmates. Don't miss Gina Linetti herself, the talented Chelsea Peretti, as she sits down to laugh and swap stories.
Like Andre would always be like, try and step there. They're like, do less. Do less.
Do less all the time. But then some of the biggest things were the biggest hits, like Vindication, remember?
And the 9-9 nonsense continues in the next episode as the more better amigas sit down with Joe Latrullio, a.k.a. Detective Charles Boyle. There'll be more laughs, more conversation, more stories from the set, and more, more better. Both episodes are now available.
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Chapter 4: What psychological changes make adult friendships more challenging?
Chapter 5: How can you reconnect with old friends effectively?
Hauling All Nine Niners, now streaming. It's the more better podcast with two episodes of Brooklyn Nine-Nine fun. Host Stephanie Beatriz and Melissa Fumero welcome two friends and former castmates. Don't miss Gina Linetti herself, the talented Chelsea Peretti, as she sits down to laugh and swap stories.
Like Andre would always be like, try and step there. They're like, do less. Do less.
Do less all the time. But then some of the biggest things were the biggest hits, like Vindication, remember?
And the 9-9 nonsense continues in the next episode as the more better amigas sit down with Joe Latrullio, a.k.a. Detective Charles Boyle. There'll be more laughs, more conversation, more stories from the set, and more, more better. Both episodes are now available.
You felt safe enough to throw out a bad idea, right? I mean, that is the key because you're definitely not throwing out good ideas all the time. I mean, that's just not how it works.
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Chapter 6: Why do adults prefer old friends over new ones despite weaker connections?
Listen to More Better with Stephanie and Melissa on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
Hi, this is Ruthie Rogers, host of our podcast, Ruthie's Table 4.
I like all sorts of things that aren't good for me. Fried chicken. Fried chicken. Donuts.
Elton John and his husband, David Furnish, fell in love over food.
It was from Mr. Chow's, and Elton didn't know what I liked, so he ordered the entire menu.
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Chapter 7: What are practical ways to build meaningful friendships as an adult?
I'd marry you the minute somebody did that.
Listen to Ruthie's Table 4 on America's number one podcast network, iHeart. Open your free iHeart app and search Ruthie's Table 4. Start listening.
And I think this is principle number two. I want you to recognize that your brain has become more guarded now. See, when you're younger, your brain's more plastic, more open to novelty. But by your 30s, your brain actually becomes more risk-averse. According to neuroscience research, your amygdala, the part of your brain that handles fear, lights up more when meeting new people as you age.
We become more cynical, more skeptical, more doubtful. Why? Because you now have more experiences of rejection, of awkwardness. Maybe people stabbing you in the back, mistreating you, people not being loyal. So your brain tries to protect you by making you avoid potential discomfort. So it's not just you being antisocial, right?
You might be thinking, hey, I just feel like I'm becoming more of an introvert. I feel like I'm being more antisocial. No, it's your brain playing defense, right? That's what's happening. You're being more defensive. And this is natural again. But what does that do? It means we spend less time and more skeptical time with new people. And we assume that we can't make good friends anymore.
I want you to try something out. Here's a mini experiment. I call it the two minute rule. Next time you're in a new space, like an event, a workout class, a friend's dinner, a friend's birthday, just make a two-minute connection. Compliment someone. Ask a question. Say one friendly sentence. No pressure to make a new bestie, right?
You're just training your brain to stop seeing socializing as a threat. smile at someone in the line, start a conversation with someone while you're waiting in line, whatever it may be. And by the way, it may feel weird at first, but you start to realize how everyone's craving it. Everyone is craving connection.
Everyone around you wants to connect with someone, wants to break out of their mold, is looking for friends. That's what I've realized. As adults, more of us are looking for friends than we believe. It's just that everyone's acting too cool. Everyone's acting like they don't need it. Everyone's acting like... You know, it's just not what they're looking for.
And because of that, we start to think, oh, well, you know, why am I the one putting in effort? So it's just something to think about. I want you to pause for a second and ask yourself, when have you actually had someone in your life that you drifted away from? Someone that you may not even have a reason. And maybe there was a hidden reason
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