Chapter 1: What predictions are made for the upcoming Premier League matches?
Welcome back to The Greatest Show on Earth, on Mars, in space, from Neptune. Hey guys, look at that.
God, you pussy.
Boys, welcome back to The Prediction Show. Thank you very much for joining, boys.
Before you start doing your dabble s*** off, because we've got something really secret we have to say amongst this dabble ad, so don't you leave. What? I'm trying to get them to not skip the ad.
Say it then. They're getting clever. Say the ad. Quick one before we get back into it. Today's episode is brought to you by dabble. Why are you doing it like it's an actual ad like we do on Pitchside, you big freak? Yeah, this is what we have to do.
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Chapter 2: How did last week's Premier League games turn out?
You look like Zach Dingle. I'm Chris Eubank Senior. Cain Dingle, actually. He looks like Cain Dingle right now. But anyway, Cain Dingle has told us to tell you, download Dabble, guys. Use the code PITCHSIDE. You get £10 free when you bet £10. You can copy our bets. You can copy your friends' bets. You can copy Tipster's bets. You can do whatever the fuck you like on there.
Or you can just think for yourself, you fucking gerbil. All right, Cain. Cain.
the big red machine.
Chapter 3: What are the standout performances from recent matches?
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And I just don't know why. If I was your man, baby you. Never worry about what I do. I'll be coming home back to you. Every night doing you right. You're the type of woman, deserves good things. Fist full of diamonds, hands full of rings. Baby, you're a star. I just want to show you, you are. You should let me love you. Let me be the one to give me everything you want and need.
Chapter 4: How do injuries affect team dynamics in the Premier League?
Oh, baby, good love and protection. Make me a selection. Show you the way love's supposed to be. Oh, baby, you should love me You did some better, girl You know you did some better We should be together, girl Will you try to ever go? Hey, so can we make this thing ours? You should let me love you Let me be the one to
Right, welcome back to the Great Show on Earth. We are going to go over last week's predictions after Lewis gets down. By the way, it's the best he's ever looked. You look like Crocodile Dundee. Crocodile Dundee? Yeah, a bit like Crocodile Dundee, my G. Right, let's have a look at last week's game week. Okay, so last week's ended a draw, apparently.
What the hell are you talking about right now, mate? So we're up to 17 to you, 16 to me.
Chapter 5: What strategies do teams use to avoid relegation?
Current score. Moving on to last week's predictions. Game week 34. Sunderland lost to Forest 5-0. I predicted a home win, you predicted a draw. That makes it 0-0, Luke. Indeed, it does. But you look like fucking... You look f***ing Macaulay Culkin now. Shit. Right, that made it 0-0. Moving on. Fulham versus Aston Villa. Fulham, of course, won 1-0.
We both predicted draws, so it's still no points either way.
Oh, my God!
Chapter 6: What are the implications of the current standings in the league?
Don't spoil it. You have to read it. You have to fucking read it! Palace lost to Liverpool 3-1. I predicted 3-1. You're doing that again. Well, you have to kill time somehow. So that made it 6-0 to me. 6-0 to Tommy Garrett. But then Lewis got a correct result. West Ham beat Everton 2-1. I predicted an away win. That makes it 6-3. Then Wolves lost to Spurs. I predicted an away win.
Chapter 7: How do player transfers impact team performance?
Lewis predicted a home win. That makes it 7-3 to me. Going into Arsenal, Newcastle. I predicted a home win. Lewis predicted an away win. Golden result. That makes it 8-3 to me. Man Utd beat Brentford 2-1. I predicted 2-1. Am I a fucking genius or what? That makes it 11-3 to me. The ones to watch didn't matter. I win. Oh my God, I've just remembered what this week's forfeit is.
Remember what he said last week?
Chapter 8: What are the final predictions for the upcoming fixtures?
Oh my God, it's Pete Burns. You've got to eat that now. The forfeit for this week was you got to eat cold soup apparently.
How are you going to do it with like that? You're going to do it with your mouth.
Tomato. You like tomato soup? I fucking, I do. Oh no, I know what he's going to do. Oh fucking hell. It's very nice. Pick it. Anyway, right, is everyone ready? Are you ready? I can't understand a word you're saying. Still can't. Right lads, I think we're all good to go at the moment, mess cleaned up.
Are you all ready behind there? Okay, ladies and gentlemen, get fucking ready because you know what it is.
Let's redeem the Premier League, man! Fuck that! What is that?
What the fuck is that? That smells unreal. You're like my very own... Right, first game of the weekend. It's Friday the 1st of May. The merry month of May. The merry month of May. Leeds, Burnley. Leeds, Burnley. Burnley obviously already down. Wolves are also down. With them. In the championship next season. See you next season, you fucking claret fuckers.
Scott Parker has guided his side to just four wins all season. Pathetic. It's not pathetic. He's done a good job. Has he? I don't see the point of them going to sack him now. If you're going to get rid of him, sack him earlier. I presume they kept him this long because he's like, oh, he'll just get us back up at least. But now you're already relegated and then they'll sack him.
I think they were waiting to see if he did actually take them down. They were always heading that way, weren't they? They spent quite a lot of money in the summer, didn't they? on fucking Brogier. Do you know what's pissed me off about Brogier? He's linked to Barcelona. If Brogier goes to Barcelona, I can't say what I wanted to say. It's been reported. It's been reported.
There's also things being reported about you. I've seen signs. I've seen reports of you. Yeah, good ones. No. Bad ones? Sprayed on park benches. What do you think this tastes like? Go on, try it. What are you doing? Are you so tired? It's shaving foam. Do you want some? No, I'm alright. Right, Leeds bonus, you take it first, because you lost, you big loser. Leeds and Burnley.
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