Chapter 1: What is the main theme of the Premier League Predictions Show?
Welcome back to the greatest show on Earth! What might that be called, Tom? It's the Prediction Show, man! It's the Premier League Prediction Show, motherfucker!
You don't get this on Sky Sports, do you?
A lot of comments are saying that lately, haven't they? Anyway, before we get into it, first of all, Mr. Tree, man, you're looking hot. Leaf it out.
Yellow, is anyone there? Yellow? Yellow? It's probably a stand-up comedy act.
It's supposed to be the colour yellow, though. Are they barking down their phone? Leave the jokes to me, funny boy.
I think they're barking down the wrong tree, though. I don't want any extra large condoms.
Thank you. Do you know what you do need? Actually, not with that. I do want extra large condoms. I've been hit the clock, man. What you also need, guys, is to download Dabble, right? Mother effing now, okay? Download Dabble. Don't worry about what he's doing over there. Download Dabble, and when you bet £10, you're going to get £10 completely free in bets. Stop this.
Someone else has got to use that money. Yeah, but Theo. Yeah, well, his breath's actually bad. So, look, you need to understand, guys, if you've skipped this, by the way, I'm going to fucking find you, John, watching this right now. Johnny boy. Johnny boy.
Johnny boy.
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Chapter 2: How do previous match predictions compare to current expectations?
You predicted a draw. That makes it 4-1 to me. Newcastle actually won a game, but we both predicted a Brighton win. So it stays 3-1. Wolves drew with Sunderland. We both got that wrong. So it's 4-1. Moving on to Arsenal Fulham. We both got this wrong. You predicted an away win. I predicted a draw. So it stays 4-1 to me. Bournemouth beat Palace. I got a result. It's a home win.
You just went for a normal home win. So that's 6-2 to me. Moving on to Man Utd-Liverpool. Both got this wrong as well. So it stays 6-2. Villa played Spurs. Spurs won 2-1. I predicted 2-1, guys. 9-2 to Tommy Gannett. Moving on to Chelsea Forest. We both got this wrong because it was an away win to the Tricky Trees.
so that stays 9-2 to me Everton drew in Man City none of us got that right either so that stays 9-2 to me we don't need the one to watch because obviously that's the decider that means I win and now I finally take the lead when it's getting serious mother effer oh shit yeah I'm taking the lead bitch call me Man City because I'm here to fucking penetrate you What? It's not, no.
Varnish on your lips and then you have to have like a little spoon of cinnamon. Is it big? Big. But you have to try and eat it. No, it's not. It's usually a teaspoon. So don't do it all. Mate, you're not going to do that. What do you mean? It's impossible. How's it impossible? What's the problem with this? Have you never seen it? People do the cinnamon challenge.
I don't really watch content these days. Mate, don't face me when you do it. Face. No, the rules say I need to face you. No. The rule says I need a fish. You have to stay unshot. What are you doing?
Hi.
Come on. I don't want it all over me. I'm not going to do it. You will. I'm going to eat it. You're not. You have to feed it to me. Okay, but you face that way. Okay. Deal?
Follow it. Chew it. Chew it and follow it. What the fuck? What the fuck? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just an eighth. Yeah, just... And the normal Rizzler, please. We're going to need extra Rizzler. Yeah, yeah, the same spot. He'll be there. He's dressed as a tree. He's covered in cinnamon. Oh my God, how much are you having? Stop it now, you can't do it. Just stop, you can actually die. Actually carry on.
Yeah, this can kill you. It's excessive cinnamon consumption. Have you not heard about what happens to the gingerbread man? Oh yeah, so common side effects of over consumption includes mouth sores, allergic reactions, stomach issues, and dangerously low blood sugar. So, we're going to get to inform you. Prediction show's done, guys. That's the co-host. He's dead.
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Chapter 3: What are the predictions for upcoming Premier League matches?
Can you carry on?
Yeah. Fuck. He's alive!
Where are you, demons? Where are you, demons?
Hello, guys. This is me. I've just came back from the death, and this song's called What I Saw in the Afterlife. What I saw, what I saw in the afterlife. Lots of penises, lots of clunge, lots of people killing me. I didn't like it, but then I did.
When I was young, I had no sense. I bought a flute for 50 pence. The only tune that I could play. Was fuck Eddie Howe and the Tune Army. And after that, I bought a drum. And all I could sing was fuck the scum. And after that, I bought a guitar. And all I could play was fuck Shearer. That was a good song though, well done. Right, let's get into this game week, mother effers.
When I was a young boy, my father took me into the city to see a marching band.
Right. It's a rocking man. It's the marching band. It's the rocking man. Fucking no musical culture in his soul. Nice, you've done me there. Right, the first game of game week 36 on Saturday the 9th of May at half 12.
It's... And we're live at Saturday Night Live!
No, it's Saturday Night Live!
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Chapter 4: How do team performances impact predictions?
You're scared of him? I just said I'd beat him in a fight. He could ruin your life if you wanted to. How could he? What do you think is his best song? Oh, it's got to be... Wrong. It's Kilimanjaro. No, it's got to be... Kilimanjaro. Kilimanjaro. Lamborghini. What about the one where he's like this? And he's like... I ain't telling people what they need to do.
No, about how much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck you. Bitch. Yeah, that was hard.
It was fucking... That went hard. I don't know what it means, but that's when you... He was blazed.
He was definitely blazed.
I like... He's like a someday... This is the good day. Fly me away, away.
You're my holiday. I like the one, I'm flying without wings. Cause you're... Whoa. Mr. Palmer, how do you feel about your performances this season? Oh, Palmer.
What? What questions?
How do you feel about Chelsea's recent run of form?
Paul Palmer. Yeah.
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Chapter 5: What are the key statistics influencing this week's predictions?
Nah, not really, mate. I think it's going to be 2-1 to Liverpool.
I'm going to go... 3-1 Liverpool. Right, moving on. It's the fucking Brighton and over Albion. It's the Seagulls. Brighton are taking on, propping up the table. It's the Dirty Dogheads. Brighton are unbeaten in the last eight fixtures against Wolves. It's because the Dingles don't have a good record against teams who have Albion in their name and are playing blue and white stripes, do they?
Just forfeit the points now. We'll see you next year, boys. Rob Edwards was booed off.
Boo!
Boo! Boo!
Boo! Boo!
Fucking knobheads. He's booed off after the 1-1 draw with Sunderland. Their best result all season, by the way, and they're booing him off. Did they get booed off? Fucking get Bully back in. Why did he get booed off? Because... Wouldn't you boo that? Have you watched them? Yeah, but they drew. Exactly. That's a good result for them. Yeah, but Sunderland had 10 men.
But they might not be propping up the table soon. Oh, they will be. He's won five of his 26 games in all competitions, losing 15. It's me to go first. It's going to be Brighton 3, Wolves 0, then Golden Resort that, please. And my player to watch will be Danny Welbeck. This is going to be a fucking old school, Ameren. Brighton at home to Wolves, Mr. Lewis Bowden. Oh, that's pretty impressive.
Give me a score. Score. Score. No score.
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Chapter 6: How do personal biases affect match predictions?
For being fabulous. Fabulous. You are fabulous. But Fulham were not fabulous. Arrest me, officer. I'm guilty for being a bitch. I plead the fifth. Or do I? Do you know what that means? What? That means you're not going to talk. Oh, I won't tell anyone, darling. Just do me. Oh, I am a bit of a gossip, actually. Honestly, you bitch. Me and Hugo always go down by the river.
And we call each other a bitch.
If you don't tell anyone, I won't.
Oh, I don't know. Right. Only the current top five have a better home record this season then. Mark Cottages, born with extended a club record and beat and run in the Premier League to 15 games. 15! He's 15! Only one team in the Premier League history to manage a 15-game unbeaten run and finish outside the top six. Chelsea, who were 10th in 2015-16.
It's you to go first, naughty West London officer from Emma Smith. First, I got a message from those scousers up the road.
Don't you dare go near my Harry Wilson. Oh, you'll be getting a pounding. Mama's stick don't hurt. Do you think Harry Wilson will see this?
He is friend of the show. I can send it him. Harry Wilson, you dirty bitch.
Wilson! Shoes go first. Imagine that on your fucking ball sack.
That was, yeah, that was terrible. No, you've lost it. Go on, Utica first, mother effer. Fulham at home, Fulham, at home to the cherries.
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Chapter 7: What humorous moments arise during the predictions?
I feel like your belly's gone to my belly. Oh, yeah, maybe not.
Right, after 12 games unbeaten at home, Sunderland have lost four of their last five league games at the Stanley League. I think they're on the beach. Don't be going to Copacabana yet, boys. Obviously, they're taking on United, United, United. And United's win over Liverpool means Carrick has beaten all of the other so-called big six since taking over at United until the end of the season.
Since Amarim departed as Man Utd manager in January, no player has more Premier League goals than Sesco, which is nine. United, United, United are absolutely... flying. They're flying without wings. They're probably going to nail third Champions League football next year, but it's time for a change, boys. I think it's time for Luis Enrique. I'm going to go Manchester United 3, Sunderland 1.
Your go, Lizardman. That mask is so good. I mean, you've got such a pretty face. What mask? Erm, I'm going to say 2-0 Man United.
United! United! United! United! United! United! United! United!
United! United! United! United! United! United! United! United! United! United! United! United! United! United! United! United! United! United! United! United! United! United! United! United! United!
United! United! United! United! United! United! United! United!
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Chapter 8: How do the hosts wrap up their predictions and engage with the audience?
United! United! United! United! United! United! United! United! United! United! United! United! United! United! United! United! United! United! United! United! United! United! United! United! United! United! United! United! United! United! United! United! United! United! United! United! United! United! United! United! United! United! United! United! United! United! United! United! United! United!
United! United! United! United! United! United! United! United! United! United! United! United! United! United! United Because I'll tell you right now, there's potential and untapped potential inside of you.
And if you fight and dig deep and forget about what he says, forget about what she says, and just rally and fight for it, then you can achieve things in your life that you never thought you could ever achieve.
Look at me and look at where I am and remember, this could be you!
Cut the music.
Anyway, Man City are taking on Brentford. And as you can see, if you want to be like Bowdoin and do it, then just do it, apparently. Manchester City have dropped the joint most points from winning positions in the Premier League since the turn of the year. That's 12. Level with Spurs and Newcastle. Pooey.
Brentford, the Buzzy Bees' win over West Ham was their first since they beat Burnley on the 28th of February. I can't believe City let us down. I mean, you've come dressed as, obviously, in the City home kit. Because we be fucking you up, lad, if you keep coming at us. Sorry. Pardon me, sorry. That was my mother's tongue. You better watch out.
POV, three Galdem are all fighting for your love right now.
I'm not bothered about it, guys. No, I'm not bothered about the Galdem. I'm not bothered about the Galdem.
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