Lauren and Chan are joined by holistic dating coach Amy Nobile Messing, a holistic dating coach and best selling co author of four books, all designed to empower and inspire women at various stages of their lives. Love Amy is her coaching business that marries the technology of modern dating with a holistic view of human to human energy and connection. Together, the gals are discussing some of the ways women are missing the opportunities to connect with their future partners and what easy adjustments women can make to their dating profiles and personal mindsets to have both their profile as well as energy be ready for emotional connection and lasting love. They also answer listener questions: Why won’t men commit? Can long distance relationships actually work? Does Amy’s advice change based on a woman’s age? How to keep the spark alive after 10 years together? How to date as a single mom? How long should we wait to hear “I love you” from a partner? Find Amy at @love.amy.nyc on Instagram where you can send her a DM and receive a list of questions to ask on dates. You can also visit her website at loveamy.co Shop Clean Simple Eats protein powder and use code POPAPOLOGISTS for 10% off! Click here to try Earlybird CBD/THC gummies and use code POPAPOLOGISTS20 for 20% off. To support the show, consider subscribing on Patreon, where you can get a bonus epi sode of Pop Apologists every Friday! Please note this episode may contain paid endorsements and advertisements for products and services. Individuals on the show may have a direct or indirect financial interest in products or services referred to in this episode. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.
Chapter 1: Who is Amy Nobile Messing and what is her approach to dating?
Well, well, well, today we are so lucky to have Amy Nobile Messing joining us. Amy is a holistic dating coach and bestselling co-author of four books, all designed to empower and inspire women at various stages of their lives. Love Amy is her coaching business that marries the technology of modern dating with a holistic view of human to human energy and connection. Welcome to the show.
We're so excited to have you. Thank you so much. That was the loveliest intro. No, Julie, thank you so much for coming on. So I first heard you on, you know, chatting with the one and only Gwyneth Paltrow. Okay. And I thought maybe she'll talk to two low rent, you know, versions. Gwyneth Paltrow wannabes.
Yeah, exactly. I love you guys.
Are you kidding?
I'm so happy to talk to you.
Oh my gosh, you're so nice to come on. But I feel like dating is truly so hard. And we make a lot of mistakes while doing it. And I think that when I was listening to you talking on her podcast, you had a lot of really actionable, grounded advice.
And I feel like a lot of times if you're looking for dating advice on TikTok or YouTube, as a guy, you'll get a lot of like pickup artist tips, toxic tips like that. Like I once had a friend and on his bookshelf was a book called How to Date Models. It was all about the pickup artist ways. That's the worst.
And then I also feel like as a woman looking for tips, you'll hear a lot about how you should only order like the fish and the white wine.
That literally makes me break out in hives.
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Chapter 2: What common mistakes do women make in dating?
I love that story. And I also love the concept of mini screener date because I feel like when I was dating, I was, you know, when I met my husband, I was 27. But I was like, I need a guy who's like early 40s, has his career built. I can have a family immediately. You know, I don't want to like, I don't want to grow someone up. Like, I don't want to deal with that.
Yeah, you don't want a project.
And...
What I was doing was I was selecting for guys with commitment issues who are also dating women inappropriately. Like, I was literally selecting for men with issues. And this created a lot of problems. So my husband was a year younger than me. Mm-hmm. When I met him or when I, you know, saw him on the app.
Still is.
He continues to be a year younger than me. Anyway, but it's so funny because I was like 26. Absolutely not. He's not going to be ready for the life I want. Yeah. Like this is just never going to happen. And I canceled on our first date because I was just like, no. Yeah. I know. And so we ended up getting a drink a week later because he's a little persistent to me.
And so it was like I kind of did like the mini screener date as well, where I was like, all right, let's meet for one drink, eight o'clock. And I'm, you know, I have a nine o'clock bedtime. I love it. Because you just need to like meet the person, feel their energy. And it could be a 30 minute coffee, a 30 minute smoothie just to like get the vibe because you really do know that quickly. Yeah.
And a lot of people, I think they spin their wheels chatting on these apps for days. Oh, yeah. Or weeks. I'm sorry. Months even. It's crazy.
And there's nothing worse than going. I remember going on this date that a matchmaker set up for me. And this guy, it was like a four-hour dinner. Oh, gosh. And I literally had 14 drinks because I was – so I'm like blissed. And like finally I went up to the bartender when he went to the bathroom. I'm like, just a shot. I don't know. Can you see what's happening? He's like, I'm so sorry.
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Chapter 3: How can women present their authentic selves on dating apps?
Because all the time people are like analyzing, well, how come he watches my Instagram stories, but he ghosted me? It's like, yeah, we cannot spend one more second on that. We just have to move on. Not your person.
And the right man will come in.
There are plenty of amazing men, which is not magnetizing to them.
I remember when I was a senior in high school, I was dating this guy and he was friends with all the popular guys and he was a popular guy or whatever. And I remember talking with him and I had this huge light bulb moment. Because he was kind of like revealing their insecurities. And I just had this moment where I was like, oh, guys are like insecure.
They're not just these like don't care creatures who are, you know, completely infallible. Like they actually also really want love and are really afraid of rejection. Like I think there are so many men who have all the same fears as women and want to like have that commitment.
We have to look at it like we're on the same team. We're two humans trying to connect on a deep level. So that's why I love the question on your very first date, first out of the gate, you ask, like, how's it going? How's the dating going? You're on the same team and it's just a really nice way to learn more about someone.
Do you feel like that question sort of helps a person sift through whether or not this person, maybe, you know, if it's a guy, like, is a player or not? Oh, yeah. You know, because I think that's something that, like,
A lot of like with, you know, why men won't commit sort of question, like you end up meeting a lot of just like players who are just like, they are just there to be having casual sex.
They are. And they also will say they want a relationship in their profile. Oh, wow. Because it just widens the amount of people that will like them. So how do you avoid that? Someone who is douchey and a player will not like the question like, So tell me about your last relationship. What did you learn? People hate that. And they'll say, they'll say, Oh God, really? You're moving fast.
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