The "What If" Spiral
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What is the main topic discussed in this episode?
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Greetings, greetings everyone.
How does Keisonga introduce the episode and content warning about death?
Welcome to Radio Headspace. My name is Keisonga. Before we start today's episode, I just want to note that I'll be discussing the topic of death, so please use your discretion before listening.
What question from a listener about a new long-distance relationship is being asked?
With that said, this week I've taken the opportunity to answer some of the questions that y'all sent my way. So I've been talking to this wonderful woman online for six months. We met on a dating site and live on different sides of the country. After our second date, she told me a really close friend of hers, who also happens to be her ex-boyfriend, had just died in a tragic car accident. Things have been a little weird since, but I get that she's grieving her friend's death. She's also recently mentioned feeling weird about the distance between us. I'm going to visit her next week and stay for the week. I really want to be present with her and not worry or let my mind wander to the what-ifs. Any advice on the best way to do this?
All right, now there's a lot to unpack here. So let's take this one point at a time. And as always, the tips I'll share will work for anyone who wants to strengthen their romantic or platonic relationships or both.
How does Keisonga describe the listener’s situation and initial response to grieving?
So first, I just gotta say congrats on making a connection on a dating site. From what I hear, that can be quite tricky. And it sounds like there is a genuine connection between the two of you. And so next, a few words here just about grieving. First, there's really no rhyme or reason to how one is going to react as a result of losing someone. The grieving process can be so unpredictable. So I'm not really surprised that she's acting a bit strange after her friend's death. I think when you visit her, allowing her the space to grieve and being a source of support even, I think this would be hugely beneficial for the relationship. You can do this by letting her know that you're all ears if she would like to talk to you about what she's feeling.
Maybe she wants to talk and maybe not. If it's the latter, don't force it. but it can be a real comfort to know that she can talk about her grief if she needs to.
What practical ways can you support someone who is grieving while visiting them?
Which brings me to the idea of reflective listening. When you respond, mirroring what she has to say will show that you're hearing and understanding her. For instance, if she says, this time has been really hard and I can't shake this feeling of grief, You can say, that sounds difficult. I'm here to listen for as long as you need. It sounds simple, I know, but sometimes just acknowledging what a person says is hugely comforting. So moving on to the part of this listener question about the what-if thoughts. I'm not sure exactly what you mean by this. And I think the big question is, what if this relationship doesn't work out? I think it's perfectly understandable that your mind is going to create those what-if thoughts.
And we all worry about things not working out, right? Just allow those thoughts to come.
How can mindfulness help you notice and let go of 'what if' thoughts in relationships?
If it helps, you can even acknowledge them by saying something to yourself like, I feel worried that things won't work out. And then allowing that feeling to pass. In fact, what I gently invite you to do is to pay attention to any resistance that you're bringing to the thoughts. That resistance can cause you to make more of them than they actually are. It's like when someone tells you, don't think about something. Of course you're going to think about it. But if you allow that feeling to just be there, your brain can more easily process it and then gently let it go. And when we let go of what ifs, it's easier to focus on the present moment.
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Chapters
7 chapters
1
What is the main topic discussed in this episode?
0:02–0:55
2
How does Keisonga introduce the episode and content warning about death?
0:55–1:12
3
What question from a listener about a new long-distance relationship is being asked?
1:12–2:23
4
How does Keisonga describe the listener’s situation and initial response to grieving?
2:23–3:28
5
What practical ways can you support someone who is grieving while visiting them?
3:28–4:29
6
How can mindfulness help you notice and let go of 'what if' thoughts in relationships?
4:29–5:38
7
Where can you find further relationship mindfulness resources and closing remarks?
5:38–5:48