Regular Features

517: Is Carol a Robot? feat. BlobbyWatch

26 Jan 2023

Contributed by Lukas

Welcome to the far future, where Blobbies buy you on eBay. Frightened yet? Well listen to Regular Features and feel a lot nicer about yourself.

516: The Prince's Bolivian Fight

19 Jan 2023

Contributed by Lukas

Prince Harry's tadger keeps transporting him into realms of reveries, and we simply can't get enough.

515: The Invincible Golden Syrup Girl

15 Jan 2023

Contributed by Lukas

This week we go back to bible times and learn about syrups and Log has a new enemy. Please retweet this so that we can go to the Kebab Awards again ...

514: Happy Ramblemas

05 Jan 2023

Contributed by Lukas

This week we bring back a forgotten tradition of the podcast - The Holiday Ramble.

513: Happy Christmas

24 Dec 2022

Contributed by Lukas

Get outa here!

512: Jack Frost Nipping At Your Nose

17 Dec 2022

Contributed by Lukas

Chestnuts roasting on an open fire... writes the crime scene investigator in his crime solving notepad, as he shakes his head and cries into an eviden...

511: Worms! Worms! Worms!

07 Dec 2022

Contributed by Lukas

There's never been a better time to invest in worms. Worms are under you right now, working around the clock to make the rotten wet soil nice for dais...

510: You Are Log's Double-Ended Candle

30 Nov 2022

Contributed by Lukas

In this episode, Steve burns his candle at both ends. And Log invites you to embody him completely and understand once and for all the arduous process...

509: Beak Wizard

18 Nov 2022

Contributed by Lukas

Here's the church, here's the steeple, open the door, but where's the people? Church attendance has been in decline for decades. Among people aged bet...

508: McClue Manor

06 Nov 2022

Contributed by Lukas

The crime? A mordor. The suspect?! YOU. And you thought you'd get away with it you little freak. Well say hello to a little thing we like to call JUS...

507: Corden's Crime Crabs

27 Oct 2022

Contributed by Lukas

Please, for god's sake, put down the weapon... and pick up a BIG SMILE because it is time for Regular Features actually. This week, Joe takes polici...

506: I'm The Boy With Bums In His Hair

20 Oct 2022

Contributed by Lukas

Hey, what else can I tell ya, it's episode 506 of the Reg'lar Features podcast. In this one, Steve's on about legs. Log's on about herons. And Joe's o...

505: Terf Wars: A New Dope

09 Oct 2022

Contributed by Lukas

This week the fellas take their much overdue podcasting license test and we wade into the Terf Wars. We're on the good side just in case you were wond...

504: Dat Zinking Feelink

27 Sep 2022

Contributed by Lukas

You know how submarines are designed to go under the water and do torpedos and pinging and that? Well we've just come up with an idea for a new type o...

503: respect.mp3_V2_final_USETHISONE

18 Sep 2022

Contributed by Lukas

The Queen is about to done be stuffed in the ground FOREVER. You are quite rightly sad so we are here to take your mind off of it with tales of jeans ...

502: A Class Act, Until the End

11 Sep 2022

Contributed by Lukas

It is a dark week for people named 'Elizabeth' or 'Queen' but we've somehow managed to gather ourselves and create a fitting tribute to the one they c...

501: Cryobaric Hypersnooze, If You Don't Mind

04 Sep 2022

Contributed by Lukas

hello apple please help me: 062330 People say you can fly too close to the sun? Well we say you can't fly close enough. We say you can fly right up t...

500: The Half-a-Thousand Live Show

21 Aug 2022

Contributed by Lukas

Here is the Episode 500 LIVE extravaganza! If you'd like to recreate the evening yourself, we recommend listening to a room where the walls are visibl...

499: Q&A With Johnny Magoo

13 Aug 2022

Contributed by Lukas

On the eve of the episode 500 live show, all five Feature boys got together, drank far too much, and recorded a question-and-answer session. We don't ...

498: Amber Gambler Honey Complaints

05 Aug 2022

Contributed by Lukas

Everybody likes to say things are "out the wazoo", but nobody ever asks "how's the wazoo". Nobody ever inspects the wazoo to make sure its hard-workin...

497: Buy Our Honey

01 Aug 2022

Contributed by Lukas

Guess what, we're pivoting to HONEY SALES now. That's right, Regular Features has produced a small batch of 100% organic honey with the help of a hive...

496: Hot Mum Curse Mountain

26 Jul 2022

Contributed by Lukas

You have some nerve showing your face around here after what you did. But since you're here, you might as well stay and listen. In this episode, Joe d...

495: The Catfisher Becomes The Catfished

17 Jul 2022

Contributed by Lukas

Imagine YOU were the Hotstepper. How would YOU like it if you heard everyone saying "Here come the Hotstepper" every single time they saw you? "Look ...

Log and Joe's Deleted Scenes Special

07 Jul 2022

Contributed by Lukas

This might sound like a special in which we include deleted scenes from past episodes of Regular Features, but it ISN'T. What it actually contains is...

494: 10 PRINT "Hello Son" 20 GOTO 10

29 Jun 2022

Contributed by Lukas

Some days you're the horse. Other days you're the horse's secret collection of amethysts he keeps under a big pile of hay in his stable. In this epi...

493: The National Trust Guide to Fruity Same-Sex Smooches

20 Jun 2022

Contributed by Lukas

Chalk and cheese. You'd think they'd be disgusting together, but I'm eating some right now and it's absolutely delicious exchept forr hoaw it claggxx ...

492: Laser Goblin

11 Jun 2022

Contributed by Lukas

Four score and Michael Barrymore. Sorry, that's all I've got. Thanks for reading this bit. In this episode, Gav looms over us like a ghost, Steve's g...

491: Lord of the Ringo Bingo

03 Jun 2022

Contributed by Lukas

How did you get in here? This is a supposed to be a private crematorium. You shouldn't be riding your penny farthing around the crematorium honking on...

490: Emotional Wine Spice.wav

27 May 2022

Contributed by Lukas

This week's episode of Regular Features is presented, as always, in high-quality .wav format. You make a .wav by walking up the holy mountain and hold...

489: Orson Welles' Mucky Bins

23 May 2022

Contributed by Lukas

This week the fellas are joined by two very special guests Orson Welles and one other person whom I shall not be naming here lest I rob you of the exc...

488: Arcade Fires on a Rowboat

11 May 2022

Contributed by Lukas

This is episode 488, which in bingo calling is "two fat ladies, married for forty years and still profoundly in love, standing at an easel where the f...

487: Dunst's Dizzee Flippin' Rant

29 Apr 2022

Contributed by Lukas

Well aren't you just knee high to a horse, you lovely little thing. Let me give your hair a ruffle, oh you're ever so cu- YOU JUST BIT ME. Why did yo...

486: Golden Simpsons Ticket

23 Apr 2022

Contributed by Lukas

Well, there's nothing else for it, we'll simply have to do another episode of the Regular Features podcast IF IT SO SUITS THEIR HIGHNESS. In this one...

485: Tell Your Boss

16 Apr 2022

Contributed by Lukas

You've been very good today so here's a podcast we made just for you, as a reward. Also, hey, that thing you're feeling stressed about doesn't matter,...

484: Celebrity Heaven (with Spiders)

03 Apr 2022

Contributed by Lukas

Steve ushers in a new period of respectfulness for the podcast, in which we deal with recent sad news in a fashion that cannot, surely, cause offence....

483: Search for the Soreen Inside Yourself

28 Mar 2022

Contributed by Lukas

On this week's episode Joe, Log and Gav crack some of their famous 'wise' about malt loaf, heaven and bees. There's also some exciting news about Th...

482: Regular Features - Origins

17 Mar 2022

Contributed by Lukas

Have you ever wanted to know how Regular Features' greatest stories came to be? Have you ever wondered how Grapesalicious gained her penchant for a pi...

481: Banana Horoscopes Up the Wazoo

13 Mar 2022

Contributed by Lukas

Log, Matt and Gav get together to talk horoscopes or should we HORRORscopes??....no, actually horoscopes was correct. Sorry about that. There's also ...

480: The Magic Convention Special feat. Topas

04 Mar 2022

Contributed by Lukas

Gavin and Joe infiltrated a world of alakazams by putting on cloaks and big hats and saying that they knew what a spell was, and now they present to y...

479: And So To Bed

27 Feb 2022

Contributed by Lukas

Ohhhh big stretch. Regular Features is all snoozy and cosy in bed! It is so warm and nice under the Regular Features duvet, we could just stay here fo...

478: Cowboy Cable Bunker Boys

19 Feb 2022

Contributed by Lukas

WAHP! WAHP! This is an emergency broadcast from the Regular Feautures emergency storm bunker. Hello. How are you? Oh that's nice. We're fine thanks, b...

477: Twilight Bognor Telephone

14 Feb 2022

Contributed by Lukas

Please accept this episode as a token of our friendship. If you collect ten tokens you unlock platinum level friendship which is the same as normal fr...

476: Dr Oetker's Goose Goes To Butlins

06 Feb 2022

Contributed by Lukas

There's a legend around these parts, a legend about a kid who filled his belly button with bird seed and waited in the garden. "Any minute now", he th...

475: Baby Was Dump

30 Jan 2022

Contributed by Lukas

This week we've got all the basic elements you need to make a regular features: Uber. Baby. Vibraphone. Capeesh?

474: Winnie The Poop

23 Jan 2022

Contributed by Lukas

Hello it's me, the grape stomping lady who fell out of a bucket of grapes in a viral video from 2007. In this episode of Regular Features, Winnie th...

473: Stephen Hendry's Piss Bunker

16 Jan 2022

Contributed by Lukas

The world is a strange place right now but one constant is that Stephen Hendry is stuck in his panic room. Does he still have the famous yips though? ...

472: Samus Aran's Umpteenth Mince Pie

08 Jan 2022

Contributed by Lukas

From our screaming throats to your hungry ears, it's another episode of Regular Features, the only podcast that's got us in it. In this episode, Joe ...

471: Betty White is Dead

31 Dec 2021

Contributed by Lukas

Betty White is dead. We don't talk about that in the podcast at all. I'm only putting this here cause it just happened and I was hoping that someone f...

470: Hello Is This A Elf

24 Dec 2021

Contributed by Lukas

Happy Crambleneir! In sihd shhue cramblrmhotj, Joem cmrma a visit vfrom "Secret Santana". Gav hoesgojs anfs an incident with a DDP courier. Amd Steve...

469: Zim's Big Bloranges, With Kevin the Virus

08 Dec 2021

Contributed by Lukas

If I had one guess, I'd guess you're stuck in a pipe. Look at you, all stuck in that pipe. I bet you want some grease, don't you? You little pipe rat!...

468: The British Kebab Awards 2021 Special

02 Dec 2021

Contributed by Lukas

A mere 5 weeks after the fact, it's finally here – a comprehensive run-down of everything that Gav and Joe got up to at our favouite awards ceremony...

467: Not The Kebab Awards Episode But Still Good

27 Nov 2021

Contributed by Lukas

We're sorry, but this is not the hotly anticipated kebab awards episode. That's happening next week now. There was a small legal issue we had to iron ...

466: Playground Sultan Splinter Cell

14 Nov 2021

Contributed by Lukas

Make no bones about it, it's episode 466 of the Regular Features podcast. Hey, you in the back there with the bones, what are you making? A diorama of...

465: Squid Judge Nurse Squid

06 Nov 2021

Contributed by Lukas

Three men enter the arena. Three men leave. It's fine in the arena. Nothing bad happens. One man has an ache in his shoulder, but he had that before h...

464: Watch Out Behind You Superman, It's Scream!

24 Oct 2021

Contributed by Lukas

In this episode, Log goes hands-on with Superman's newfound sexuality. Steve goes pants-off when his French horn lessons are interrupted by Scream him...

463: Squash My Riverdance Hacker

17 Oct 2021

Contributed by Lukas

Giddy up, bucko, because it's another episode of this freakin' thing we do. In this one, Steve's Discord account got hacked by spooks. Log is going ...

462: The Big British Kebab Awards Preview Special

07 Oct 2021

Contributed by Lukas

As we have done every year for the last 9 years, Gav and Joe are sitting down for an extensive, exhaustive, extremely good talk through this year's Br...

461: Poison Wasp Mount

30 Sep 2021

Contributed by Lukas

As people who absolutely freakin' love magpies always say: one for joy, two for joy, three for joy, four for joy, five for joy, six for joy, seven for...

460: Sock Horror Flashback

21 Sep 2021

Contributed by Lukas

There's no time to waste. In this episode Joe concocts his very own VHS cassette horror anthology. Steve reports his very own fading feature memories....

459: What If John Grant Curry

13 Sep 2021

Contributed by Lukas

What if you dragged a big wet carrier bag full of lukewarm biryani to a concert? What if you had a nice time at a spa? What if you watched yet another...

458: Richard Simmons' Melancholy Watch

02 Sep 2021

Contributed by Lukas

Get this reader on the table, we need to operate NOW! Nurse, pass me a syringe full of Matt forgetting if he's ever owned a watch. I'm going to make a...

457: Episode One Redux

29 Aug 2021

Contributed by Lukas

The three original feature boys return for a very special reunion episode, never to be repeated, just like that time The Beatles went up on the roof a...

456: Panic in the Discord

22 Aug 2021

Contributed by Lukas

This week Gav's been combing the Discord for #content - something which he swears he won't be doing again. Meanwhile Log's addresses a pretty nasty co...

455: 10th Anniversary Special

15 Aug 2021

Contributed by Lukas

According to the big Regular Features egg-timer on the roof, it's been exactly ten years since we invented podcasting. To celebrate, we've given ourse...

454: Staring Into The Fridge

08 Aug 2021

Contributed by Lukas

The snap of the magnet releasing its psychic grip, the brief peel of tacky rubber, the delighted squeak of the hinges, a rush of cold air, a waft of s...

453: Self-Isolating Muntjac Chair

01 Aug 2021

Contributed by Lukas

Did you know Kenny Rogers came up with the line "you've got to know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em" while he was doing his laundry, it's true...

452: Tuna Spank

23 Jul 2021

Contributed by Lukas

Here at Regular Features, we like to push boundaries. That's why we're the first podcast to ever discuss BDSM without giggling or being sick into the ...

451: Soil My Gigi Hadid

10 Jul 2021

Contributed by Lukas

Have you ever wondered how we learned how to do all of our incredible comedy accents? Well in this episode, we'll teach you how! Log is offering every...

450: The Blimp Episode

03 Jul 2021

Contributed by Lukas

It's here. The blimp episode!

449: Simon Callow Euro Egg

27 Jun 2021

Contributed by Lukas

In this hot little potato wedge of an episode, Joe remembers what it was like back before politics and games journalists ruined E3 and it was all abou...

448: Castaway Spider Tofu

11 Jun 2021

Contributed by Lukas

Want to feel old? Put your dad's big shoes on and walk around the house saying "where did I put my mortgage in this, the year 1978". Then listen to ...

447: Secret Pirate Island

07 Jun 2021

Contributed by Lukas

I'm on a secret pirate island now, sorry!! Sorry everyone. In this one, Steve gets his coronavirus vaccination. Joe, desperate to keep up with Steve'...

446: Wretched Skrebel Fragrance

29 May 2021

Contributed by Lukas

Pfft, schedules are for idiots. We've switched to releasing new episodes at random intervals, so you never know when you're gonna get slapped around t...

445: We Don't Know Who Needs To Hear This

16 May 2021

Contributed by Lukas

Picture yourself in a boat on a river, with tangerine trees and marmalade skies. Now imagine it's a speedboat, and you've broken every maritime law th...

444: Top 10 Dental Medicine

07 May 2021

Contributed by Lukas

Hello and welcome to the description of the podcast. If you'll take a look to your left, you'll see that Log's erected a top 10 of people in his pub -...

443: Ellen Dehjennereh

03 May 2021

Contributed by Lukas

We've been sitting on the fence way too long. It's about time we took Ellen Degeneres down a peg or five. And as a feature appetiser: Steve got Mrs Do...

442: Privacy Breach in the Space League

23 Apr 2021

Contributed by Lukas

Houston, we have a problem. The problem is that three guys came in and made some yuk-yuks in mission control and now we got a whole 'sploded Cape Cana...

441: Just The Word "Prince" By Itself All Solemn Like

10 Apr 2021

Contributed by Lukas

We interrupt your regularly scheduled features to bring you this very special report about a prince. The music "Raving Energy" which appears in the n...

440: A Very Special Episode

01 Apr 2021

Contributed by Lukas

In this very special episode of Regular Features, we tackle the real issues facing our societies todays, what are named of: kayak mishaps, duck tits, ...

439: Sit and Suezzle

29 Mar 2021

Contributed by Lukas

Sure, you've all heard about how that big boat got wedged. Yawn! But have you also heard that Gav was mildly traumatised by an intractable camera man?...

438: Basketball Tik Tok Conkers

23 Mar 2021

Contributed by Lukas

Hello, it's me, the podcast, with another episode of myself. In this one, Steve gets rich off of blockchain dunks. Joe embarks on a lucrative Tik Tok ...

437: The Spooky April Edition

16 Mar 2021

Contributed by Lukas

I once said boo to a goose and it laid an egg, and inside the egg was a piece of paper, and on the paper there was a joke. "Q: What do you get if you ...

436: Sleepless Farting Joyce Wife

07 Mar 2021

Contributed by Lukas

Look, it's late on a Sunday so let's cut to the chase. In this one, Joe tells a blood-curdling foot story to curry favour with the producers of any ...

435: The Gorbo Vibe

28 Feb 2021

Contributed by Lukas

What is the Gorbo Vibe? If you have to ask, it's not for you. And if you don't have to ask, well you come across as aloof and so it's also not for you...

434: Now You Sia, Now You Don't

21 Feb 2021

Contributed by Lukas

I'm writing this in the bath, so I'll be brief. In this episode, Steve reports on how the newest Martian rover narrowly avoided wasp-induced catastrop...

433: Forgive My Zombie Cladding

12 Feb 2021

Contributed by Lukas

A rolling stone gathers no moss, but you know what it does gather? A lot of freaking attention that's what. And the last thing we want is the police s...

432: Kitt and Kaboodle

07 Feb 2021

Contributed by Lukas

Tuck in your elbows, lock eyes with the person you love the most, and then hurl yourself out of the nearest window, because it's time for another epis...

431: Offal Stocks in my Memory Box

29 Jan 2021

Contributed by Lukas

Rare meat raves. Pick and mix mince raffles. Room temperature offal sermons. Pig gristle quinceañeras. They all have one thing in common: they are gr...

430: Generate My Space Teeth

21 Jan 2021

Contributed by Lukas

Elegance. Charm. Big moustache. Poise. Intellect. Their very own pizza oven. Grace. Wit. These are the qualities we look for in an Italian chef, and w...

429: Lemon Cyberpunch

14 Jan 2021

Contributed by Lukas

Hey now, what's that sound, everybody look, it's a new episode of the podcast. What happens in this one? I'm so glad you asked. Steve composes his ver...

428: The One Where They Drink Disaronno

07 Jan 2021

Contributed by Lukas

Strap in readers, as we carousel into the new year with a mildly irresponsible and Disaronno-fuelled special episode of Regular Features. Can we perfo...

427: Geller's Frozen Omelette

31 Dec 2020

Contributed by Lukas

International mega-psychic and telepathic thorn in Nintendo's side, Uri Geller's back, and this time he's got an entire museum of curios for you to ex...

426: Punching Secret Christmas Bees

24 Dec 2020

Contributed by Lukas

Nadolig Llawen, Nollaig Shona Daoibh, Happy Christmas, Hanukkah and Kwanza to all of our beloved multi-faith and faithless reads. In this rare FOUR B...

425: Missing Fart

20 Dec 2020

Contributed by Lukas

In this ALMOST LIVE episode, Log invites you to explore the soundscape of a reader's body, Steve's been on the hunt for his local missing dogs, and Ga...

424: Spitballing Pizza Emporium

13 Dec 2020

Contributed by Lukas

Giddy up, ladies. Log is open for business, with an entire bazaar's worth of Regular Features purchasables just for the readers. Joe investigates the ...

423: Industrial Parcel Theft

04 Dec 2020

Contributed by Lukas

Gav takes matters into his own hands to catch a local parcel thief. Steve invites you into the vice-addled underworld of investment banking. And Log r...

422: The Law of Diaper Discovery

28 Nov 2020

Contributed by Lukas

Joe sets out to change a few laws with some harmless presidential bullying. Log writes his own episode of Star Trek in an attempt to derive something ...

421: Urethra With Us Or Against Us

20 Nov 2020

Contributed by Lukas

Joe screams and howls until flying kicks are reinstated in society. Steve brings you a hands-on preview of the new PlayStation. And Log embarks on an ...

420: Claim Your Free Yacht Bird

14 Nov 2020

Contributed by Lukas

This episode entitles you to one free yacht, redeemable at your nearest marina. Log will tell you everything you need to know to get the most out of y...

419: Should've Gone To Dream Pterodactyl

07 Nov 2020

Contributed by Lukas

Do you ever get that thing where you're just about to fall asleep and you suddenly feel yourself falling and you jerk yourself awake again? That's us,...