Chapter 1: What unusual bonus item was included with the car for sale?
I'm Johnny Smith. I'm Richard Porter. And this is Smith & Sniff, a podcast in which two friends talk about cars and many other things. Right. Guys. Right. Listen. Look. Here's the situation. When I say look, I mean you can look now. This is it, Richard. This is happening.
Chapter 2: How do mad barbers relate to the podcast's theme?
Right this minute, as I sit here in my little chair, in my little corner... of my little section of a room that's not that little, but it's a small corner of it. We're making videos. What are we doing?
I still don't know, but here we are. Dear listener, if you are listening, you won't know this, but... This episode, for the first time, is also a video episode. Yeah. Because apparently podcasts have to be video now. So here we are. If you are watching this on YouTube or another platform, hi.
Yeah.
Hi, everybody. Thanks for watching. But yeah, from now on, hopefully, impending technical difficulties, we will do this as a video podcast as well as an audio one. but we have made a solemn vow not to be one of those podcasts that starts chatting about things that you can see. Oh, no. Because that's deeply annoying for audio listeners.
And as someone who listens to podcasts while in the car or walking the dog, primarily, I hate people who don't tell us what they're looking at on podcasts. So we're going to try and not do that, but we are going to be video from now on. So that's nice.
Well, yeah, but let's just rewind a little bit. Let's just reflect, Richard. We was doing videos many years ago before possibly the people what are doing videos now were doing videos before. Because we started off, this was a video format before it was a podcasting format, wasn't it? Why did you do a Matt Berry rendition? I don't know why I did that.
But thinking back to when we used to do the Bulldog services, driving around, rigging up silly cameras and very appalling quality microphones in cars.
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Chapter 3: What recent news from the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame is discussed?
Although it was really enjoyable and it was crucially a hobby, it was something we just wanted to do for lols, wasn't it? We weren't doing it for the gram, Richard. We're doing it for personal lols, not gains. That was Depeche Mode with personal lols. Yeah.
yes your own personal personal lol i told you this before haven't i what's genuinely for when the the whole lol thing started being used liberally yeah i think it took me three years before i was brave enough to ask someone what it meant i just didn't know i just didn't know
I always think that it is a sign of getting old, or personally for me it's a real indicator of getting old, how often I have to go to Urban Dictionary and look something up. It's bad, isn't it? Because I have simply no idea what it means. Yeah. But anyway, that's fine. Look, I wanted to, before I forget, read out an email we've had from a listener. Oh.
Which is a reaction to something we talked about on an OtterSot a couple of weeks ago, I think.
Okay.
We were talking about touring cars. Yeah. Yes. And what 90s car we would use if we had set up a touring car team in the 90s. And you said perhaps a Saab Cabrio. Oh, Saab Cabrio, yeah. If we could get away with it. Yeah. We weren't sure if it fitted the rules. Well, someone's been in touch to clarify this.
That person is, in fact, Mr. Touring Cars himself, Alan Gow, the chief executive of the BTCC. Is it? Who is a listener, yeah. The gal. He says, good day, both. He's Australian, in case people don't know, so he's allowed to say that. Good day, Alan. Good day, Alan. Yeah, thank you.
He says, as you may have guessed, a Saab 9-3 Harrow convertible would not have complied with a multitude of BTC regulations. In fact, I can hardly think of any regulations that it would have complied with. But... But I love the imagery you concocted. As an aside, for a few years in the mid-90s, we used a Saab 9-5 aero as the official car of the BTCC for parade laps, etc.
Oh.
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Chapter 4: What are the different kinds of Artemis mentioned?
Courtesy of Saab GB.
Fantastic. It would have been weird if it was Saab Germany that supplied it, but yeah, brilliant.
Yes, and the people from Saab GB go, where did they get that from? Why is it left-hand drive? What's going on? Ha, ha, ha. You're British as swans. You've made it look stupid. Anyway, Alan continues, it was a great car at the time, but thank God it wasn't a 9.3 convertible. Let me explain. Our Silverstone event one year happened to coincide with my birthday.
So unbeknown to me, some of my staff decided to have a bit of their own sport in inverted commas. The female VIP passenger that I was asked to take around for a few laps immediately before the race was supposedly a TV soap star and rather buxom.
Not being a soap aficionado, I had no clue who it was meant to be, but she was supposedly of such importance that the BBC had their cameraman in the back seat to record it all. and off we went on the laps. Right. Almost immediately, she started to complain that it was too hot in the car and began disrobing very completely and very quickly. Completely? Yes, she was a stripper.
Anyone in the grandstands who was looking into the car as it went around would have witnessed the carry-on, the flurry of me knee-steering the car while trying to get her covered up before the crowd could see it, all the while loudly swearing in a most fruity and Australian manner at my staff for fixing me up.
Oh, well.
The cameraman thoroughly enjoyed himself, but the footage is now safely locked away deep in the BBC archives. So that's why I'm glad it wasn't a Saab convertible.
Although a few rounds later, I did have to use a Saab convertible, because while I was tied up in the driver's briefing on race day morning, the 9.5 aero was whipped away and replaced with a 9.3 convertible fitted with four space saver wheels. What? ! A clever bit of pre-planning between Saab and some of the drivers, led by John Cleland, who was always the main mischief maker. Naughty Cleland.
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Chapter 5: How did smuggling with a microlight come into the conversation?
Alan concludes by saying, I must admit that the car on those space savers did beautiful four-wheel drifts around brands that day.
I bet it did, actually.
Yeah. He concludes by saying, keep up the great work. You are by a long way my dog-walking podcast of choice. So, Alan, thank you. You're a legend.
Well, yeah, we're not worthy in the words of Wayne's World. Thank you very much for sending that to us. That's brilliant. Now you got me thinking about if you were following a Saab or any car on a pair of or all four space savers, They look a lot like those crop spraying adapted tractors that aren't really tractors. Oh, yes. That sit very, very high and have a very wide gate.
If you were a runner, you'd refer to it as a gate, would you? You know what I mean?
Yes, I think so.
Spelt G-A-I-T, not the swinging gate. They almost look like the kind of, I don't know, the automotive praying mantis. There's a bit of a praying mantis about them. Because they've got these swingy booms and a tank full of, I don't know, poison in the back or whatever it is. I like those, though, because they're like portal axle fluid drive.
Are they?
So you can hear that they kind of slur into gear. Yeah, they're quite nice the way they slur into gear. You can hear them. The farm where the late break show's based, they've got one. I always enjoy watching it as it's being brought out. In fact, it came out last week, I think, because... It's time of year, Rich. You know, swear crops are coming on. They're bringing the crops on.
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Chapter 6: What business suggestion is made for Gordon Murray?
You go, go on then. Go on, prove it. Okay, I will. I'm going to grow taller. Become some barley, you dickhead. Is it like... What is that, a farm chanter? You'll have loads of footy hooligans stood politely around the edge of the set-aside in the field, pointing to the middle.
going who are you who are you come and have a go and before you know it it's grown an inch in 24 hours but they do say that talking to plants yeah helps them to thrive don't they yeah this is a sort of a thing i've never found out if it's actual just hooey or if it's true
Well, no, and I remember reading a magazine article where now king was Prince Charles. Oh, yes. Because he's obviously very passionate about horticulture. I think he used to play Classic FM to his. And can I just say that sometimes I do listen to Classic FM, rarely, but whenever I do and I'm driving... I always feel like somebody's behind me music scoring my life and I kind of like it.
I kind of like it. Yeah.
There's a power about it. Classic FM, now it just reminds me of the old barber that I used to go to in London who was absolutely crackers and he always had Classic FM on. Did he? And so, yeah. And so I sort of associate it with... He was... He was one of those barbers who he didn't talk a lot, but he would just suddenly say something completely nuts.
And he was the one, have I told you about this? He was the one who, at one point, he just started telling me that I should get a chest freezer. And I said, I haven't really got room in my house for a chest freezer. A chest freezer? Yeah. But bear in mind, there was no context to this. It was like, he's there, Classic FM's playing, quite quietly. There's no one else in his barber shop.
Yeah.
He's cutting my hair. Yeah. In silence. And then he just suddenly went, have you got a chest freezer? And I went, no, I haven't. He went, you should get one. No, I haven't really got room in my house for one. He went, no, you'll be fine.
Have you got a chest freezer? That's a bit kidnapping. I know.
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Chapter 7: Who is Ronnie Pickering and why is he relevant now?
Did you say he has a chest freezer in his lounge, basically his lounge?
Yes, yes. It's here in my notes.
That's not a good look, is it?
I've written in my notes, out of nowhere, he asks me if I have a chest freezer. And when I said I'd have nowhere to put it, he said he keeps his in the sitting room.
That's the talk of a murderer. That is the talk of somebody that kills. Come on. Come on.
Goodness me. In October 2018, I've written the dates down. In October 2018, he suddenly stopped cutting my hair, walked over to the door of the shop, opened it, looked up and down the street, and then came back and said, it's muggy, and kept cutting my hair. He's such a random man. Oh, he... I need to meet him. I don't know if he's still there.
It is near my old house, but he... On another occasion, he got me to sit down. He put the towel and all the gubbins around my neck. He started cutting my hair, and then suddenly he went into the back and made himself a cup of tea. What? What, halfway through a haircut? Well, yeah, the haircut had commenced, but clearly his need for a cup of tea was... Was greater than your hair.
Again, out of nowhere, he told me that he lent a friend of his his sat-nav. His friend now denies that this happened, so now he doesn't have a sat-nav. I just... Just for context, there's a sort of... This guy also had this kind of, like, this sense that he could lose his shit at any time, like a sort of simmering undercurrent of anger, which made these anecdotes and things slightly...
I feel like, for me, that sort of person who probably gets edgy very quickly and annoyed about little things, I feel they shouldn't live in a busy capital city. No. They should live somewhere where everything's quite slow and relaxed and it's easy to digest the pace and things going on. He'd probably find very minor things to get annoyed about. For example...
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Chapter 8: What interesting car auction finds are shared in this episode?
No, fine, just have a go, Jan. It's okay. Just have a go.
Again, a retired touring car legend, right? We should get the Crockett's theme according to Jan Lammers. Just see what his interpretation of it is.
No musical ability at all. He's an excellent racing driver, but yeah, he's just plinking away on an old Casio keyboard doing his best.
Yeah.
Now, speaking, sort of, of musicians.
Yeah.
Major news. Oh. In the last week, I'll read you the start of this story from BBC News. A record number of British performers are to be inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame this year, including Oasis, heavy metal legends Iron Maiden and Sade.
Wow.
No, I was going to talk to you about Iron Maiden, actually, today. Oh, well, let me tell you. Now, this is confusing because the people who are being inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, you have to have been, it has to be at least 25 years since your first commercial release for you to be eligible to go into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.
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