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Chapter 1: What prompted Richard to sell his old Range Rover?
I'm Johnny Smith. I'm Richard Porter. And this is Smith & Sniff, a podcast in which two friends talk about cars and many other things. So I was going out the other night and my mate Archie, he'd had an absolute nozzle full of Nicky. Absolute nozzle full, talking to me right up in my... Right up in my grill. You know what I mean? Do you know what I mean?
And he was blowing out his butterscotch unicorn dung, whatever it was, off of the vapes. He was off his swede, mate. Off his swede.
Now... Where's this going?
Eh? What are you talking about? Well, it occurred to me the other day that I was trying to work out whether it was disrespectful...
Chapter 2: What interesting fact about Niki Lauda is shared?
To refer to the late Nicky Louder, obviously an incredible driver and seemingly a nice guy. Whether or not it's okay for him to be a euphemism for cocaine, is that okay or not? I'm not sure that it is.
Is it still in common usage? It's not in common usage. Cockney rhyming slang for powder. For powder. Because I think the only person I've ever heard say it is you, if I'm honest.
Me and my mates used to use it about 20 years ago because I thought it was funny because I think it's really funny when someone says, he's got it on an absolute face full of Nicky, which I just thought it was quite funny.
Because when I lived in a flat... With four other people and we were bored. This was kind of pre-internet days in the 90s. When we were bored, we used to make up rhyming slang based on celebrities often. And for example, we decided that shoes were Rodney Bewes, as in actor from The Lightly Lads. And so you'd go, has anyone seen my Rodneys?
Chapter 3: What unfortunate name was given to a gardening business?
Yeah.
And this amused us. That feels...
That feels incredibly authentic. Were you in London at the time or not?
No, Cardiff. Okay. I don't think there's such a thing as Welsh rhyming slang, but I could be wrong. I bet there is. I bet there bloody is. Well, I suppose, like, Ruth Maddock, Haddock. Oh, of course. And Tom Jones, Phones, or Bones? Has anyone seen my Tom? Oh, it's called out.
Chapter 4: What unusual experience did Richard have with his doorbell camera?
I can feel it in my Toms. Tom Jones, Bones, see? I don't know. otherwise no i like charlotte church birch i mean you don't i don't think even cockneys have rhyming slang for everything you don't go oh right now what's the rhyming slang for microwave oven there just isn't one yeah but a little bit of a little bit of nicky Nicky, yes.
Do you think so? Is that all right?
Can I tell you a fact about Nicky Louder that I'm going to say this with confidence? I mean, I know you can't slander the dead anyway, but I'm going to say that Nicky Louder, certainly in his later years, was a fan of the sit-down wee. And I know this because I was once in the Mercedes Formula One hospitality space station thing in the paddock at Anne Grand Prix.
Yeah.
And I was standing near the loo. Yeah. And Niki Lauda walked past, went into the loo. Now, he was only in there for the amount of time it would take to have a wee. I'm pretty sure of that. Unless he has a pit stop attitude to poos. He could have had a speed plop. Well, the thing is, there was no evidence of that because I went and he came out and I was like, actually, I need a wee.
Good idea, Nicky Louder. I'm going to go for a wee. I didn't say this to him. And I went into the cubicle after him.
Yeah.
And the sitting seat was down, but the cover seat was up.
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Chapter 5: How did Richard end up selling his Range Rover?
So whoever had been in there just before me, which was for a fact. former F1 champion Niki Lauda, had sat down to use the lavatory. And he'd only been there for a wee amount of time. So I'm going to say, with my full Poirot hat on, Niki Lauda liked sit-down wees. And there is nothing wrong with that. I think, chaps, if you've never tried a sit-down wee, give it a go. Quite relaxing.
Well, I mean, I did one in the early hours this morning.
A nocturnal sit-down week is, I think, obligatory now because then you don't have to put the lights on necessarily, which may activate a fan, which may wake other people.
Exactly. So true. But I also, ever since my male pattern baldness has sort of had a bit of a kickdown, I... I rub my own head whilst I'm doing a sit-down weight, and it feels like I'm self-soothing. It's just really nice. It's just a really lovely sensation that I thought I would never reach. It's just, I feel like it's the little things in this life, which are the big things.
Yeah, you just rub your... I can't do it because I've got my headphones on here, but I just rub the top of my head, my dome, and just go...
Maybe it only works if you've got hand-scalp contact. I don't know if you've got hair in the way, that's not as soothing. Maybe it's nice, I don't know, because... I'm going to give it a try.
Yeah, do it. Do it, Rich. Do it. I would recommend anyone listening to do it.
I bloody well will. Yeah. Thanks for the suggestion. And I urge all listeners to as well because why not?
The sit-down way is also generally quieter, not from just you can do it without turning lights on, but also obviously the splash noise is lessened because of the distance.
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Chapter 6: What complications arose during the sale of the Range Rover?
Well, that's it. I don't want to feel scientific about it, but we know that these are facts.
Since I just briefly mentioned living in Cardiff has reminded me sort of tangentially of a message we've had from a listener, a listener called Sam, who in fact signs off Sam off of Devon.
Off of Devon. Which part, though?
Does he specify? He doesn't say.
Okay.
Anyway, so Sam says, I've just finished listening to the Swanathan edition of the podcast. That was a couple of weeks ago, wasn't it? Johnny was talking about his love of the word slag. With this in mind, I thought you might like to hear about an old friend's former gardening business. This friend had the surname Slater. This is important for the story.
He lived in leafy rural Devon with lots of pensioners and farmers. He had a sign written white voxel astromax for his gardening business. Lovely. On the side of which was written slags.
What?
Sam's written this, it has a full stop after each letter, but it definitely says Slaggs. This stood for Slater's Landscape and Gardening Services.
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Chapter 7: What was the outcome of the auction for Richard's Range Rover?
Yes.
The Warmer's Toast Cafe. And they opened a new branch inexplicably close to their first one, and they had a whole new white awning.
made and installed and on it in big red letters it it had a abbreviation of the warmers toast it said twat cafe on it in big red letters anyone who lived in carla for the 90s back me up here i swear i'm not making this up this was a real thing and it was it was a source of great hilarity because it was also like they must have known i mean really twat cafe and we'd then go uh do you want to go and get like a cup of tea and some toast or something yeah let's go to twat cafe
Why was it called the Twat? Because it was short for the warmest toast cafe, but they'd chosen to abbreviate the warmest toast, but not cafe.
So it's a Twat cafe. Oh, I thought, I didn't understand that because I was thinking warm as toast, W-A-T. I get that. I was wondering where did this T come from?
Yeah, it was the, that's the thing, which you wouldn't typically include an abbreviation. You'd have put the, W-A-T, and then cafe underneath. So it was clearly, it was done deliberately, but it caused mirth.
I bet it did. Guys, look, if slags is still in business, I live nowhere near Devon, but I'm in dire need of some gardening help right now. If you want to come up, I'm quite happy to pay the slags for some gardening help. Gardening help right now. We're in full growing season. Have you noticed? Yes. Wow. Stuff's growing. It's true.
I have destroyed my legs and arms with stinging nettles, or as they say in the West Country, stingers. Do they? Well, we did. So it must be true.
I'll keep my ears peeled for that one.
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Chapter 8: What lessons did Richard learn from the entire experience?
And talking of potential evil, how much sleep did I have last night?
Was it zero?
No, it was a shade under two hours and it was all my own fault because I've recognised a pattern on my doorbell camera that I casually mentioned to my lovely teenage daughter who's doing her GCSEs and is in full GCSE stress mode. And thus I've destroyed the dynamic of the family in one fell swoop.
So easy to casually do that.
I... So I've noticed over the last probably six nights, going on a week, that it flags up that there's motion detected at almost the same time in the early hours of the morning. We're talking like 318, 320, 330, 331. So very close. And bear in mind, there's no other motion around it. So it's quite isolated.
And I look at my phone, you know, on the app, and it's about five to nine seconds of just the front door. Can't see anything. No spider's legs because I've seen spider's legs before where they just come around. Yes. I can't see any bushes moving. There isn't a person there. I do not know what's going on. So I looked at this and I just casually mentioned it to Kitty May. And oh, my gosh.
Right now, as we record this, she's got a physics exam, which she was getting immensely stressed about anyway, because it's not a strong point of hers. And I've effectively destroyed her night's sleep and maybe her well-being for the foreseeable future. So she's now convinced that there's, I don't know, an unwanted spirit, a ghost...
guarding the front door or exiting our house at three in the morning or going into our house at three in the morning. I don't really know. All I know is I downloaded all these things. And I'm interested in the paranormal. I do actually believe in the paranormal.
I mean, yonks ago on this podcast, I mentioned the most sceptical person of the paranormal in the world, my brother, who actually had a ghost experience. And that confirmed for me that they must be real. Yes, we did talk about this, didn't we? We did, didn't we?
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