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Chapter 1: What is the dark web and how does it differ from the deep web?
Today on Something You Should Know, what's the dark web or the deep web and who's using it? Can you use it? Then is marriage dying? Apparently not, but it is changing.
Let's put it this way. Fewer than 10% of people say they don't want to get married, but what you have increasingly is quite a number of people who say they've no idea if they actually will get married.
Also, you may likely be misreading your dog's emotions. And one of the world's leading experts on how to build and maintain an unshakable belief in your abilities.
The idea is to cultivate a sense of certainty about your ability that allows you to bypass or ignore a lot of conscious analytical thought and simply execute almost unconsciously.
All this today on Something You Should Know.
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Chapter 2: Is marriage really dying or just evolving?
Something you should know. Fascinating intel. The world's top experts. And practical advice you can use in your life. Today, Something You Should Know with Mike Carruthers.
You've probably heard of the dark web or the deep web. But do you really know what those terms mean? I didn't. So that's what we're going to start this episode of Something You Should Know with. So when you hear the term the dark web, it sounds like some sinister underground version of the internet where criminals are buying and selling illegal things.
And while some of that does happen, the reality is a lot more interesting. First, the dark web is not the same thing as the deep web, even though people often use the terms interchangeably. The deep web is simply all of the online content that search engines don't index.
Your email inbox, online bank accounts, medical records, subscription content, and company databases are all part of the deep web. In fact, most of the internet is deep web content. The dark web is a much smaller piece of it. It consists of websites that require special software, most commonly a browser called Tor, to access.
Tor routes internet traffic through multiple computers around the world to make it much harder to identify who is visiting a site and who is operating it. That anonymity attracts criminals, but it also attracts journalists, political dissidents, whistleblowers, and ordinary people who simply value privacy.
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Chapter 3: What factors are influencing the changing attitudes towards marriage?
In countries where governments censor the Internet or monitor citizens, the dark web can provide one of the few ways to communicate freely. So despite its spooky reputation, the dark web isn't inherently illegal. It's really just a privacy tool. What matters is what people do with it. And that is something you should know. Marriage seems to have an image problem these days.
Fewer people are getting married, many are waiting until much later in life, birth rates are falling, and more people are choosing to remain single altogether. If you listen to some commentators, marriage is becoming obsolete, a relic from another era that is slowly disappearing. But is that really what's happening?
Has marriage lost its relevance, or is it simply evolving into something different than it used to be? Joining me to sort out the myths, the realities, and what the future may hold is Stephanie Kuntz. She is Director of Research and Public Education for the Council on Contemporary Families.
Chapter 4: How do gender expectations affect the desire to marry?
She's written extensively for publications including the New York Times, CNN, and the Wall Street Journal. And she's author of a book called For Better and Worse, The Complicated Past and Challenging Future of Marriage. Hi, Stephanie. Welcome to Something You Should Know. Thank you Mike. So despite what you hear people say, what is the state of marriage today? Is it going the way of the dinosaur?
Is marriage dead? Is marriage very much alive? What is it?
Certainly, marriage is not dead. Yes, back in the 1950s, more people married. 94% of them married before they reached their 35th birthday. Only 5% of them never married at all. The average age of marriage was under 21 for a woman and under 23 for a boy. So when you look at what's happening to now, you still get 80, 85% of Americans half-wed at some point.
but that's not until they reach their 50s and 60s. So, of course, it looks like marriage is collapsing if you just say how many, you know, what's the rate of marriage per single people in the population.
Chapter 5: What role does parenting play in the decision to marry?
So I don't think marriage is collapsing. It's obviously more voluntary than it used to be. Divorce rates have been falling since 1980, since they hit their high point in 1980, but they're not going to disappear forever.
What's interesting to me, though, is that for all the talk about marriage being obsolete, most people still believe it is the most rigorous, highest commitment that they can enter into. Parents whose kids marry respect them more than if the kids are living together, and that goes for the parents of same-sex couples and heterosexual couples. Most people still say they want to marry.
Only 8 to 10 percent say they definitely do not want to marry. But what we have seen that's interesting is a big increase in the number of people who say, well, I don't know if I actually will get married even though I might like to. And that increase has been the greatest among young women.
That's a real turn because it used to be that men were the ones who were saying, well, I don't know if I'll get married.
You had said that 80-something percent of people still say they want to get married, but how does that break down by gender?
Let's put it this way. Fewer than 10% of people say they don't want to get married.
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Chapter 6: How can confidence be built and maintained in high-pressure situations?
But what you have increasingly is quite a number of people who say they've no idea if they actually will get married. And what's interesting to me is that that also goes along with with a lot fewer people are saying that they are absolutely confident they would be a good spouse.
So I think what's going on here is we have much higher expectations of marriage, and people are not entirely sure that they're going to be able to make them. And one big reversal in history is that it's now women who are less certain that they will actually end up married, even though they don't necessarily want to stay single.
They're much more likely than boys now to say, well, I have no idea if I'll actually end up married. And I think that's in large part because... that women's expectations of marriage and their relationships to men are changing faster than men's relationships with women and their expectations of themselves and of women.
So how in this discussion, because a big part of marriage is parenting, how much is the desire to be a parent tied up in this desire or not desire to get married?
Well, that's a very interesting question, because both young men and young women tend to want to have children, but young men want it much more than young women. And I think, again, it's not because women don't necessarily want them, but because they have higher expectations of sharing. the work of childcare and the joys of childcare.
So they are looking around at what's been happening to their parents and other people in the society and they are saying, I would love a marriage if it really involves a man who's going to completely share child raising with me. But if not, I can do without. And some are saying, well, I can do it alone.
But many are saying, well, I just don't need to have children if it's just going to be the kind of hassle that I hear it is with so many older women complaining and leaving their husbands.
That really surprises me and a lot of other people listening, I think, that women are Less likely to want to have children than men are just because my sense is that the maternal instinct is stronger than the paternal instinct. But but, you know, I don't know why I think that, but I do think that.
Well, I don't deny that there are instincts, but I think so much is socially embedded in us. And I think that men and women both have the potential to want to be with babies. And it has remarkable effects that we can talk about at some point. Caring for babies actively, not just looking on while your wife changes diapers, has tremendous effects on men's hormones and their...
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Chapter 7: What strategies can help improve mental toughness and performance?
We're discussing the state of and the future of marriage with Stephanie Kuntz. She's Director of Research and Public Education for the Council on Contemporary Families and author of the book, For Better and Worse, The Complicated Past and Challenging Future of Marriage.
So, Stephanie, I want to explore more about this idea that women are concerned that men will leave most of the housework and the child-rearing chores to women. Is that still the case? Because it seems like that has changed somewhat in the last 50 years, 60 years. Yes?
The usual claim about men is that they often say, well, I'd like to do this, but I need teaching, you know, learned helplessness. But, you know, we women also have a learned helpfulness. We, you know, get to be the experts in the early days of child rearing, and sometimes we think that everybody should do it our way. You know, it's called gatekeeping.
You know, Mike, I've talked about this problem for years, and... And yet, just last, a couple years ago, when my grandson started, fairly newborn grandson started crying in the other room with my husband was there, I swooped into the room, took the baby out of his arms, you know, and he just looked at me with his jaw open, like, what's wrong with you?
What kind of feminist are you that you wouldn't trust me to hold the baby? And I said, oh... So, you know, I sometimes reload the dishwasher. So we're trying to do something that has not been done before.
And we have to get out of the habits and assumptions and the ways that society is organized that encourage men not to notice the little things that need doing, not to plan for them, not to do the
emotional and planning work of family life and that in keep, you know, being earworms in women and making them do that even when they need to maybe walk away and let the man do it as best he can until he learns to do it.
But it's not just necessarily until he learns to do it. And you just said a moment ago that you felt compelled to take the baby from your husband as if he didn't know how to do it. And then you also said you sometimes reload the dishwasher. And I infer from that that your husband loaded the dishwasher and you felt compelled to somehow fix that. That somehow the way he loaded it...
The dishes wouldn't have gotten clean. So it isn't just a matter of men learning to do it, but it's also about women learning that men don't always do it their way or maybe up to the same standard. And that's important.
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Chapter 8: How do dogs communicate their feelings to their owners?
So rather than thinking about, or maybe not rather, but in addition to thinking about what might go wrong, thinking about, I have what it takes to make it go right,
Indeed, I have some capabilities, there are possibilities, but rather than just telling yourself, oh, I've got it, I've got it locked up, I can do fine, everything's great.
No, I think you have to be a little more systematic about that and be able to take whatever time and energy is required to look back into your past and say, okay, I have accomplished this task, which is somewhat related to the task before me now.
i accomplish this other task i have to be able to look back into my personal history and just like an attorney in a trial come up with evidence that supports the conviction yeah i can do it to simply tell yourself yeah i can do it yeah i can do it yeah i can do it without a sense of some underlying rationale That's not particularly effective.
But if I've done a good job reflecting on my previous experience, creating a sort of psychological bank account, of constructive memories, etc., etc., then I can approach this new, somewhat challenging, important situation with a sense of, okay, I've got reasons to believe in myself.
And what is the best mechanism for doing that? Because you could think of things that you've done in the past that were great, and they're thoughts that come in your head, and then they disappear, and then you're back to thinking what could go wrong again. So what's the format for doing this so that it's
I think the format is being somewhat formal about it. I encourage all of my clients to do a fairly deep dive into their professional past and come up with a list of their top 10 moments of performance. Those top 10 moments in your career And then be equally formal day by day by day, reflecting for five minutes. That's all it takes. Five minutes on your day. What little things did I get right?
If you're formal in that discussion with yourself, you're kind of creating a larger, larger psychological bank account.
A lot of what you talk about and a lot of the work that you do is with athletes. And I think what you're talking about seems to be more accepted in the sports world in terms of, you know, individual performance, team play, that kind of thing. Less so in the non-sports world where people think that.
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