How to feel more loved, with Harry Reis, PhD
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Why do we sometimes feel unloved even when we have close relationships?
Feeling loved is something all of us want. It's essential to our health and happiness. But we don't always get to experience it, even in our closest relationships. You probably have people in your life who care about you deeply, your friends, your family, a spouse or a partner, and yet you sometimes still feel unseen or disconnected from them. Why is that? What's the difference between being loved and feeling loved? How do psychologists define love in the first place? Why is feeling loved so essential? And why can it sometimes be so hard to achieve, even when love is there? What gets in the way? And what mindsets or habits can help people feel more loved in their everyday lives? Welcome to Speaking of Psychology, the flagship podcast of the American Psychological Association that examines the links between psychological science and everyday life.
I'm Kim Mills. My guest today is Dr. Harry Reese, Dean's Professor in the Department of Psychology at the University of Rochester. His research focuses on intimacy and understanding in close relationships, and especially on how being responsive to our partners shapes our relationships. Dr. Reese is an APA Fellow and has published more than 250 papers in academic journals. He has received distinguished career contribution awards from the Society for Personality and Social Psychology and the International Association for Relationship Research, and his work has been featured in media outlets including NPR, The New York Times, and Scientific American. His new book, written with happiness researcher Dr. Sonia Liobomirski, is called How to Feel Loved: The Five Mindsets That Get You More of What Matters Most.
Dr. Reese, thank you for joining me today.
It's a pleasure to be here today, Kim.
The title of your book is How to Feel Loved, so let's start there. How do you define love in your work and what's the difference between being loved and feeling loved?
Well, we we take a very broad approach to the word love. Uh you know, love is one of the most ambiguous words in the English language when you think about it. It can apply to a romantic relationship, it can apply to how parents feel about their children, and it can apply to how you feel about chocolate ice cream.
How do Harry Reis and Sonia Liobomirski define love and differentiate being loved from feeling loved?
So uh we tried to find a definition that would fit with most kinds of of of human relationships that people have. And so we defined love in terms of Feelings of caring and connection and warmth, the kind of feeling that one gets when one feels understood, cared for, appreciated, and seen. So our definition very explicitly goes beyond romance, um, although romance is certainly covered in that as well. Uh you asked about the difference between being loved and feeling loved, and that's a very important. important distinction um to us and and and to most people Being loved is what other people express and regard with respect to you. Feeling loved is how you feel about what they're doing. You know, somebody can love you, somebody can express love to you by giving you presents, by telling you how much they care, by sending you Valentine's Day cards.
Feeling loved is when you take it in inside, when you feel Yes, that person really gets me, that person really cares about me, that person is really concerned about my well being. And that's a very, very crucial distinction because many people are loved and yet they don't feel loved.
Вот до ресерч телес обойл і сопорт?
Well, feeling loved is is so important because it connects to just a variety of things that are so important uh for people's lives. Take for example the loneliness epidemic. People who are lonely don't feel love. On the other hand, people who are not lonely most definitely do feel loved. So one way to think about it is at the root cause of a general sense of ill being and disconnection. And that ill feeling in return is responsible for so many important things in life. For example, when people don't feel loved, they don't work as effectively. Young people in school don't do as well. And much more interestingly I think is the idea that
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Chapters
7 chapters
1
Why do we sometimes feel unloved even when we have close relationships?
0:02–2:22
2
How do Harry Reis and Sonia Liobomirski define love and differentiate being loved from feeling loved?
2:22–7:11
3
What are the five mindsets that help people feel more loved?
7:11–12:06
4
Why can trying to appear perfect or only showcase strengths be counter‑productive to feeling loved?
12:06–16:02
5
How does the “listen to learn” mindset improve connection and help people feel loved?
16:02–20:34
6
What should you do when someone doesn’t respond to your attempts to feel loved?
20:34–24:39
7
Can AI chatbots or future androids provide genuine feelings of love?
24:39–26:23
Speakers
1 identifiedMore from Speaking of Psychology
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